I am so tempted to cheat....

[Donttouchmethere]

Ok so I'm in a somewhat unique situation so bear with me. I am simply looking for some logical feedback regarding my predicament.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend exclusively for about 4 months. We spent a lot of time together before we started dating and we are incredibly compatible. I really care about her and although we have not been dating long, she's the first person I've been with that I can see myself with for a long time.

 

There is another girl in the picture. She is a friend from school who I've been "unrequitedly" chasing for like 9 months. I have no romantic feelings for her and, unlike with my girlfriend, we are highly incompatible. Nevertheless, she is the most attractive girl I've ever met---just unnervingly gorgeous. Naturally, I've always fantasized about hooking up with her. Well recently, after the many months of innocent flirting, things have become a lot more heated and she has made it very clear that she wants to have sex. I am very close to giving in and doing it. Below is an explanation (or excuse, you are welcome to decide) why I'm seriously considering doing it.

 

Since I was 16 I've dealt with myriad disabling health conditions that have been very isolating. I spent the vast majority of my years from 16-24 sheltered by my parents, dropping in and out of school. At one point, I was diagnosed with what was thought to be a terminal illness at the time, and spent almost a year thinking I was going to die (my condition turned out to stabilize).

 

Anyway, within the last 1.5 years or so (I'm 26 now) I've been very healthy and have developed a serious carpe diem attitude after dealing with chronic illness for so long. Anyway, this new psychological state that is accompanying my newfound freedom from sickness is greatly contributing to my desire to live much more crazily, including sexually.

 

I really do care for the girl I am currently dating, but I have never had a chance to get out that itch of just having fun and actually living life as a young adult for once. I know a simple piece of advice could be 'don't tie yourself down in a relationship with the way you feel.' Despite this obvious assertion, I don't want to end a potential excellent long-term relationship with this girl. This is why I am considering hooking up with this other girl, having fun, being selfish, and try to enjoy the thrill of a more carpe diem lifestyle for a little while. This is certainly not something I would plan on continuing for long.

 

**Just to note because I somehow feel obliged to defend myself somewhat. I really am a very good, caring person. I run a nonprofit for young adults with illness, I've always been devoted to theoretical morality and logic, and truly do care about the well-being of others. Honestly, after all I've been through, I just want to forget about it all for a little and be selfish and actually experience what it's like to be young---including making potential bad decisions/mistakes. I just don't want to lose the potential relationship in the process....

 

Thank you in advance for your responses

[todreaminblue]

if you care about your gf then you wont cheat on her....talk to her honestly about what you are feeling, which allows her the choice to decide what she wants to do with the knowledge she has, before you decide to sleep with another...that is caring..good luck..deb

Edited June 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove full quotation

[Donttouchmethere]

if you care about your gf then you wont cheat on her....talk to her honestly about what you are feeling, which allows her the choice to decide what she wants to do with the knowledge she has, before you decide to sleep with another...that is caring..good luck..deb

 

I have discussed my psychological state with her before, but never in a specific manner regarding cheating. The issue I have with this option is it may make her feel insecure, which may only make things worse. Additionally, this would involve not cheating, which in all honesty is something I do want to do. Since we haven't been dating long, I'm not extremely invested in the relationship at this point. However, I do see significant potential. I just really crave to be selfish and hedonistic right now considering everything.

 

I have always considered the idea of infidelity a cultural construct more than an intrinsic or evolutionary one, or as some universally wrong act as some religions seems to stress. I understand our culture frowns upon this type of behavior, but in my current mindset I am inclined to rebuttal with 'you are only young once,' or 'is infidelity always such an objectively unforgivable act, or are there certain circumstances that make is less bad?'

[TaraMaiden]

I have always considered the idea of infidelity a cultural construct more than an intrinsic or evolutionary one, or as some universally wrong act as some religions seems to stress. I understand our culture frowns upon this type of behavior, but in my current mindset I am inclined to rebuttal with 'you are only young once,' or 'is infidelity always such an objectively unforgivable act, or are there certain circumstances that make is less bad?'

 

I completely agree.

Fidelity is a social conditioning.

It's not a natural inborn trait.

 

Mammals aren't monogamous.

 

Ergo, your problem isn't about having sex with someone else.

Your problems is psychological.

 

That is, it would involve damage to the emotional aspect of your relationship.

So what you have to decide, is this:

 

Are your mammalian instincts to put it about a bit, stronger, or weaker than your emotional considerations, for your partner's emotional considerations?

[AverageCat]

Lol, I find it funny how a person can go through an hour of writing in a forum just to justify his actions to his consciousness.

 

Honestly you should have never gotten so close to this girl while you had a gf...

 

Your innocent flirting does not seem so innocent after all and I don't see how this girl has made it so clear without you guys having any kind of physical connection (which would already be cheating)...

 

Just grow a pair and at least go break up with your gf.

 

If you really believe you have somekind of condition (although I highly doubt) go seek therapy.

[Donttouchmethere]

I completely agree.

Fidelity is a social conditioning.

It's not a natural inborn trait.

 

Mammals aren't monogamous.

 

Ergo, your problem isn't about having sex with someone else.

Your problems is psychological.

 

That is, it would involve damage to the emotional aspect of your relationship.

So what you have to decide, is this:

 

Are your mammalian instincts to put it about a bit, stronger, or weaker than your emotional considerations, for your partner's emotional considerations?

 

I would have to agree re the problem being psychological. Nevertheless, it does pose potential issues as you mentioned. My emotional state is somewhat inert at this point--like I outlined above I really just feel like doing whatever I want, although my rational mind somewhat despises this. The only way I have been able to justify such an action is because I do not plan on my girlfriend finding out, so her emotional considerations would therefore be irrelevant and it would neither benefit nor hurt her (in a practical, non-metaphysical manner of course)

[TaraMaiden]

I have to say, in addition to the above, which is quite accurate and on-the-button, that 'Carpe Diem' doesn't mean "So phukk you!" it means 'seize the day'.

 

But it doesn't give you carte blanche to go your own sweet way and hang the consequences for anyone else.

 

Consider my post - and that of AverageCat -very carefully.

 

That's where your truth lies.

[TaraMaiden]

I would have to agree re the problem being psychological. Nevertheless, it does pose potential issues as you mentioned. My emotional state is somewhat inert at this point--like I outlined above I really just feel like doing whatever I want, although my rational mind somewhat despises this. The only way I have been able to justify such an action is because I do not plan on my girlfriend finding out, so her emotional considerations would therefore be irrelevant and it would neither benefit nor hurt her (in a practical, non-metaphysical manner of course)

Oh so then, you're a liar by omission.

 

yes.

 

This carpe Diem idea of yours is seriously skewed, because you've blurred the meaning.

 

A Devil-may-care attitude is all very well - but when it comes to considering other people in the picture - there are ALWAYS consequences.

 

So by all means live your life, but be kind, whenever possible.

 

And it is ALWAYS possible.

[todreaminblue]

my teens say yolo....bugs the crap out of me.....

 

 

you have one mortal life to live so yolo implies that you can life it how you want without thought to anyone else..its childish..the same with you are only young once.....thats alright i guess if we are talking children here under the age of accountability...but seeing we are talking about sexual things ....you are accountable whether young or not....you are held accountable for what you do by a court of law...not just religion.....

 

 

 

we are supposed to be more highly evolved than animals that rut when on heat or desire to rut.........and animals or mammals dont feel the affects of cheating because they dont think the same way humans do.....

 

you dont know when its going to end...so be the best you can be....if you think that is by sleeping with some chick who gives you the come on...i wish you the very best....i do not agree with it....but as we all have that one life we have to live....we make our own choices in the end..good or bad.....we have to take the consequences.which you will face either way....i wish you luck with your choice...hope you make the right chocie....for you and for your gf....best wishes..deb

[Donttouchmethere]

Lol, I find it funny how a person can go through an hour of writing in a forum just to justify his actions to his consciousness.

 

Honestly you should have never gotten so close to this girl while you had a gf...

 

Your innocent flirting does not seem so innocent after all and I don't see how this girl has made it so clear without you guys having any kind of physical connection (which would already be cheating)...

 

Just grow a pair and at least go break up with your gf.

 

If you really believe you have somekind of condition (although I highly doubt) go seek therapy.

 

I do not deny that I am trying to justify this--as anyone who posts something like this probably is. I am actually seeking therapy, although I do not contend I have some sort of psychological issue that is forcing me to do this. I am just trying to explain my state of mind.

 

One way to more concisely ask my question would be as followed: is it really NEVER ok to have your cake and eat it to? I feel as if this wasn't a discussion about infidelity, but rather an analogous culturally-relative-immoral act, there may not be such emotionally-driven responses. Our culture in particular seems to view relationships as such a strict dichotomy. I probably sound like a douche, but I really just want to be selfish and hope there aren't any consequences (although I understand the unlikeliness of this)

[Donttouchmethere]

Thank you all for the additional replies. Your criticism and thoughts have certainly put things into perspective outside of my introverted analysis.

[TaraMaiden]

One way to more concisely ask my question would be as followed: is it really NEVER ok to have your cake and eat it to?

No, it's absolutely fine - providing all concerned are on the same page. The moment something is done to compromise honesty, integrity and respect - then no, it's NEVER ok.

 

 

I feel as if this wasn't a discussion about infidelity, but rather an analogous culturally-relative-immoral act, there may not be such emotionally-driven responses. Our culture in particular seems to view relationships as such a strict dichotomy. I probably sound like a douche, but I really just want to be selfish and hope there aren't any consequences (although I understand the unlikeliness of this)

There are ALWAYS consequences.

Subtle, subliminal and maybe very vague - but nothing, BUT NOTHING - can be done, without there being a consequence.

And 'being selfish' has more consequences, on so many different levels, than anything else.

[gaius]

You might as well cheat and get it over with. The penis always wins in the end. Even if you do somehow strangle it into submission over this girl you'll probably subconsciously wreck things with your current girlfriend so you can do what you really want.

[LeGenDary_Man]

I completely agree.

Fidelity is a social conditioning.

It's not a natural inborn trait.

 

Mammals aren't monogamous.

 

Ergo, your problem isn't about having sex with someone else.

Your problems is psychological.

 

That is, it would involve damage to the emotional aspect of your relationship.

So what you have to decide, is this:

 

Are your mammalian instincts to put it about a bit, stronger, or weaker than your emotional considerations, for your partner's emotional considerations?

Their is considerable difference between humans and other animals in the context of intelligence and all of its associated aspects.

 

Humans can choose to be monogamous; can choose to not hurt each other; can choose to do a lot of things that relatively less intelligent mammals are not capable of doing. Humans have much more complex personalities in comparison to other mammals in the world. Their is simply no comparison. An important determinant is our super-ego (which defines our personality). We have the capability to strengthen our super-ego, sick or not. Education and cultural brought-up are the methods utilized to strengthen super-ego.

 

This; strong super-ego = strong self-control.

 

In the nutshell; people with strong super-ego have great self-control and no self-esteem issues. Opposite is true for those who have weak super-ego.

 

Yes, mental disorders can also lead to questionable behaviors. But if so many people in the WEST have loose morals, then it would be unwise to assume that all of them suffer from mental disorders. Most logical assumption is that these people have weak super-ego; a shortcoming in their brought-up is to be blamed. In addition, self-gratification culture does not helps either.

 

As far as religion is concerned, it discourages self-gratification culture. Without it, self-gratification culture automatically rises as the WEST is once again experiencing after spread of atheism and secularism. Religious belief is an excellent method to strengthen super-ego.

Edited June 7, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[soccerrprp]

OMG...the mammalian, evolutionary, social-construct BS is completely unnecessary here! Crimey!

 

OP, if you want to be an a-hole then go cheat on your gf. Just don't get bent out of shape when someone ever betrays you in the future.

 

All of the self-congratulatory good that you feel you do doesn't hide the fact that you have some moral inadequacies and essentially, when given the opportunity and the justification, have no problem hurting someone else's feelings. Your illness doesn't support your cause either. I have no sympathy for people who USE their self-perceived importance and ordeals in life to be, then hurtful and deceptive....it just doesn't make any sense.

 

I suspect that you are eager to have this affair, gf's feeling be darned...have the decency to tell your gf and leave her.

 

Sheesh...

[AMusing]

I have discussed my psychological state with her before, but never in a specific manner regarding cheating. The issue I have with this option is it may make her feel insecure, which may only make things worse. Additionally, this would involve not cheating, which in all honesty is something I do want to do. Since we haven't been dating long, I'm not extremely invested in the relationship at this point. However, I do see significant potential. I just really crave to be selfish and hedonistic right now considering everything.

 

Quite agree with soccerrprp's post. Well, except for the first line; I think it's fun reading what others think about behavioral evolution.

 

If you consider fidelity to be unnecessary, fine. Plenty of people feel that way. The moral ones are open about it with their partners. But it's not just that you want to have sex with this other chick; you want to cheat on your girlfriend. Having her know about it would lose the appeal. And that, to me, is frankly disgusting.

 

"May make her feel insecure," indeed.

[salparadise]

OMG...the mammalian, evolutionary, social-construct BS is completely unnecessary here! Crimey!

 

All of the self-congratulatory good that you feel you do doesn't hide the fact that you have some moral inadequacies and essentially, when given the opportunity and the justification, have no problem hurting someone else's feelings.

 

Obviously he does have a problem with it, thus his motivation to post here in the process of trying to reconcile what's going on within. He's having a bout of cognitive dissonance, before the deed not after, because he recognizes his conflicting motivations. If he "had no problem hurting someone else's feelings," like your average sociopath, he'd just be banging the other chick, lying about it to the gf, and not have a care in the world as long as she didn't suspect anything... and not much of a care if she did related to her feelings, only the consequences he would suffer.

 

The OP sounds like an INTJ. He's analyzing his feelings and motivations quite effectively in a sense. He's seeking logical resolution, so ultimately he needs it to make sense to him and fit his paradigm of how things are, internally and externally.

 

• he needs to see himself as a moral person (we all do, except sociopaths)
  
• societal mores dictate that cheating is immoral
  
• the conflict between id and superego must be resolved somehow
  

 

He's asking us if there is an acceptable loophole that he can squeeze through (health issues, mammalian biological predispositions, etc.) to get what he wants and still consider himself a good, moral person. We're telling him HELL NO, you can't cheat and still consider yourself a good, moral person. It's true, society doesn't do loopholes on this issue, or at least not any easy ones like OP is considering.

 

OP, I don't know how old you are, but I suspect early 20s? Rather than looking for a loophole (I'm telling you now, there are none), you should take this opportunity to understand what you're made of––the quality of your character––and hopefully strengthen your superego such that it has more control over the id. That piece of ass is a momentary pleasure that has long-term implications even aside from direct consequences. You'll be so much happier if you choose to affirm to yourself that you are indeed moral and possess solid character and integrity than if you have to continually try and squeeze square pegs through round holes to resolve the cognitive dissonance that will haunt and disturb you indefinitely. Your analytical mind will go into an infinite loop. You need a linear equation here.

 

Lawrence Kholberg is the man when it comes to analyzing moral dilemmas and the stages of moral development. Wikipedia is a good place to start but I suggest in-depth reading of some of the references that will be listed there.

 

Good luck to you. Don't act on this prematurely.

[jphcbpa]

break up with you g/f and do what you want to do. do the next right thing here. with cheating, you only hurt yourself in the end.

 

don't "date" again until you get this carpe diem itch out of your system.

[TaraMaiden]

Their is considerable difference between humans and other animals in the context of intelligence and all of its associated aspects.

 

Humans can choose to be monogamous; can choose to not hurt each other; can choose to do a lot of things that relatively less intelligent mammals are not capable of doing. Humans have much more complex personalities in comparison to other mammals in the world. Their is simply no comparison. An important determinant is our super-ego (which defines our personality). We have the capability to strengthen our super-ego, sick or not. Education and cultural brought-up are the methods utilized to strengthen super-ego.

 

This; strong super-ego = strong self-control.

 

In the nutshell; people with strong super-ego have great self-control and no self-esteem issues. Opposite is true for those who have weak super-ego.

 

Yes, mental disorders can also lead to questionable behaviors. But if so many people in the WEST have loose morals, then it would be unwise to assume that all of them suffer from mental disorders. Most logical assumption is that these people have weak super-ego; a shortcoming in their brought-up is to be blamed. In addition, self-gratification culture does not helps either.

 

As far as religion is concerned, it discourages self-gratification culture. Without it, self-gratification culture automatically rises as the WEST is once again experiencing after spread of atheism and secularism. Religious belief is an excellent method to strengthen super-ego.

 

I agree with all of this.

I just didn't bother putting it down.

I've said it several times before, and frankly, it's stating the obvious.

 

Thanks for typing it all out for me!!

 

*Thumbs up!*

[Donttouchmethere]

Their is considerable difference between humans and other animals in the context of intelligence and all of its associated aspects.

 

Humans can choose to be monogamous; can choose to not hurt each other; can choose to do a lot of things that relatively less intelligent mammals are not capable of doing. Humans have much more complex personalities in comparison to other mammals in the world. Their is simply no comparison. An important determinant is our super-ego (which defines our personality). We have the capability to strengthen our super-ego, sick or not. Education and cultural brought-up are the methods utilized to strengthen super-ego.

 

This; strong super-ego = strong self-control.

 

In the nutshell; people with strong super-ego have great self-control and no self-esteem issues. Opposite is true for those who have weak super-ego.

 

Yes, mental disorders can also lead to questionable behaviors. But if so many people in the WEST have loose morals, then it would be unwise to assume that all of them suffer from mental disorders. Most logical assumption is that these people have weak super-ego; a shortcoming in their brought-up is to be blamed. In addition, self-gratification culture does not helps either.

 

As far as religion is concerned, it discourages self-gratification culture. Without it, self-gratification culture automatically rises as the WEST is once again experiencing after spread of atheism and secularism. Religious belief is an excellent method to strengthen super-ego.

 

I'm not sure why those who chose to analyze the psychological phenomena behind this are so fond of Freudian's constructs....nevertheless, I highly disagree with several assertions of yours.

 

 

I find your statement of western 'loose morals' to be entirely to all-encompassing. Additionally, your contention about religion I find inaccurate. Survey statistics suggests that over 50% of men and almost half of women admit to being unfaithful sometime in their life, which would include mostly religious individuals considering only 15% ish (not sure exactly) Americans don't follow a religion. I would also debate whether certain western religious morals are actually moral when analyzed objectively; I don't see how abstaining from pre-marital sex, homophobia, or anti-masterbation result in any sort of positive outcomes or enhance the the 'super-ego.'

 

Humans can choose to be monogamous; can choose to not hurt each other; can choose to do a lot of things that relatively less intelligent mammals are not capable of doing. Humans have much more complex personalities in comparison to other mammals in the world.

 

Actually you can compare humans to other primates in an appreciable manner. Our higher faculties may increase the complexity of our personalities; however, by many means we are still slave to our genes. In fact, there is a gene that has been discovered to be involved in cheating, as well as how we respond to hormones like vasopressin both show a high correlation with unfaithfulness. The debate of free will is another topic, but I don't think it's as easy as 'humans can choose.'

[Donttouchmethere]

OMG...the mammalian, evolutionary, social-construct BS is completely unnecessary here! Crimey!

 

OP, if you want to be an a-hole then go cheat on your gf. Just don't get bent out of shape when someone ever betrays you in the future.

 

All of the self-congratulatory good that you feel you do doesn't hide the fact that you have some moral inadequacies and essentially, when given the opportunity and the justification, have no problem hurting someone else's feelings. Your illness doesn't support your cause either. I have no sympathy for people who USE their self-perceived importance and ordeals in life to be, then hurtful and deceptive....it just doesn't make any sense.

 

I suspect that you are eager to have this affair, gf's feeling be darned...have the decency to tell your gf and leave her.

 

Sheesh...

 

I am not sure how else we can discuss this without evolutionary and societal influences considering those are the exact forces that are behind behaviors like this. Our evolutionary history, as well as our behaviors even in modern society (nearly half of the population has cheated sometime in their lives) strongly suggests we are not a monogamous species but rather fall somewhere in the middle. In respect to cultural differences, several cultures across the globe are polygamous, polyandrous, or use traditions like arranged marriage. You seem to be suggesting hat 'infidelity is always wrong no matter what.' Are you implying that our culture's perception of monogamy and relationships is the only correct one and all others are wrong?

 

I don't deny that in my case, in our culture, cheating is wrong. I may even be the a-hole you described for even considering it. Nevertheless, I don't think its as black and white and many of you seem to suggest.

 

Yes I am eager to have this affair. I'm young and my hormones are out of control. I made this post in order to understand my feelings and receive feedback from others. Considering how many people actually do cheat in our society I assume I am very far from alone

[Treasa]

As someone who doesn't lean toward monogamy, but who has never cheated, I think it would be ****ty if you cheated on your girlfriend.

 

No one is guaranteed sex during their youth, and it's not like you were robbed of anything. I've gone for long stretches without sex, and my vagina didn't shrivel up into dust.

 

If you really want to have sex with this girl, please at least break up with your girlfriend first, and I'd suggest telling her why. That will keep you from coming back the day after you had sex with the other one and saying, "I made a mistake, I wasn't thinking, blah blah blah."

 

You aren't that nice of a guy if you would cheat. Which one is more important to you? Having sex with this one girl, or being with your girlfriend? Being a responsible adult means having to make tough decisions and then sticking by them.

[Treasa]

 

Yes I am eager to have this affair. I'm young and my hormones are out of control. I made this post in order to understand my feelings and receive feedback from others. Considering how many people actually do cheat in our society I assume I am very far from alone

 

So you want to be like what you assume everyone else is like.

 

Really, truly awesome people aren't dishonest, either to themselves or to others. They don't need to be.

 

So, fine, go ahead and be an ass like every other cheater. I guess as long as YOU feel good during the couple of hours of sex, all is well.

[GorillaTheater]

I am not sure how else we can discuss this without evolutionary and societal influences considering those are the exact forces that are behind behaviors like this. Our evolutionary history, as well as our behaviors even in modern society (nearly half of the population has cheated sometime in their lives) strongly suggests we are not a monogamous species but rather fall somewhere in the middle. In respect to cultural differences, several cultures across the globe are polygamous, polyandrous, or use traditions like arranged marriage. You seem to be suggesting hat 'infidelity is always wrong no matter what.' Are you implying that our culture's perception of monogamy and relationships is the only correct one and all others are wrong?

 

I don't deny that in my case, in our culture, cheating is wrong. I may even be the a-hole you described for even considering it. Nevertheless, I don't think its as black and white and many of you seem to suggest.

 

Yes I am eager to have this affair. I'm young and my hormones are out of control. I made this post in order to understand my feelings and receive feedback from others. Considering how many people actually do cheat in our society I assume I am very far from alone

 

The rationalization hamster is strong with this one.

[RogerWallace111]

Break up with your girlfriend. Don't give her any specifics but just say that as much as it pains you, you're not in a place to be tied down, as a result of your years dealing with illness. Be as tactful and kind as possible. Then go f*ck this other girl, once to maybe a dozen times. Then move on.

 

If you're feelin' all gunho carpe diem and sh*t you will keep having new girls around and find another you're equally as compatible with as your current girlfriend. The odds are much higher than people realize, given you're meeting new women regularly and are savvy enough to "land" the ones you want. Or maybe, who knows, months or years down the line you and the current lady may find your way back to each other. In no way something to bank on, as your decision may hurt her deeply, but a possibility.