I am so tempted to cheat....

[RogerWallace111]

Even if you really have no capacity for guilt, and could feel ok about f*cking this other girl, I guarantee one will not be enough. And you'll be asking yourself the same thing when sometime in the not-so-far future another super fine girl comes into your life. And if you keep doing it, regardless of being caught or your ability to rationalize it, the relationship really will just be worthless. The compatibility may remain but that's not real love.

 

Seriously, if you're the wreckless type (within means), you will keep attracting lots of ladies. I guarantee another will be of equal or greater compatibility. Plus you're only 26, playa.

[Tinie]

What you're trying to do is excuse your desire to cheat.

 

There is no excuse for cheating.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Have you considered just doing it, but taking the necessary steps to decrease the likelihood of you getting caught?

[Geiss]

Does this other girl know you have a girlfriend? I wouldn't call it Carpe Diem either. Seize the day at the expense of hurting someone really bad. If that other girl knows you have a girlfriend then that should tell you something about her.

 

And despite all your activities and blah blah blah if you do this you are a piece of ****.

 

If you really want her then dump your other girl and let her meet someone that isn't going to betray her. And whatever you do don't spread any herpes.

Edited June 8, 2013 by Geiss

[ascendotum]

.... That will keep you from coming back the day after you had sex with the other one and saying, "I made a mistake, I wasn't thinking, blah blah blah."

 

This might be your loophole OP. The staged/un-staged fight and declaration of needing some time apart to think over the relationship or spur of the moment breakup declaration, then the "I made a mistake, I wasn't thinking, blah blah blah" reconciliation.

You can tell yourself "Its not really cheating because we split up for that short while" Its BS. but it does get used a bit, but I get the feeling it would not reconcile in your mind. Ultimately I agree with RW and post 25.

[AccF428]

Hi OP. Thank you for this very interesting read. I was certainly surprised by the the ethnocentric responses you received.

 

My analysis of your situation suggests to me that you're going to end up doing what you want to do regardless. If you have these innate desires tugging at you, it will be difficult to resist for the remainder of your life, i.e. if you end up spending your life with this girl that you see potential with in the long run, and never satiating your base instincts and curiosities. If you do end up resisting, how will you ever have the wisdom to know years down the road that you made the right choice and didn't end up wasting your youth on this girl that may or may not actually end up working out in the long run. Four months in a relationship you say? We all know that's no time at all.

 

Ultimately, I think it is a good idea to live your life by a certain code of moral ethics that you stand by through thick and thin. However it can be very hard to do, particularly if you're good at rationalization. Therefore, I suggest you rationalize in a manner that you believe to be correct and true.

 

Solution: Provide your girlfriend with an excuse that will enable you to break up with her for a short period of time. Ensure that it is done in a way that keeps a friendship between the two of you intact. Have sex with the other girl. Gain the wisdom that you deserve. Then provide your ex-girlfriend an explanation for your hurtful and unkind actions, and let her know that you made a mistake and want to rectify it by having her as your girlfriend once more. All of this needs to be done tactfully in order to ensure your success. What results is a compromise between morality and being true to your own needs and self.

[salparadise]

Solution: Provide your girlfriend with an excuse that will enable you to break up with her for a short period of time. Ensure that it is done in a way that keeps a friendship between the two of you intact. Have sex with the other girl. Gain the wisdom that you deserve. Then provide your ex-girlfriend an explanation for your hurtful and unkind actions, and let her know that you made a mistake and want to rectify it by having her as your girlfriend once more. [...]

 

What results is a compromise between morality and being true to your own needs and self.

 

This is not an acceptable compromise. It's breaking the girlfriend's heart intentionally, for the express purpose of banging the other chick, and rationalizing based on a manufactured technicality. It's disingenuous to the core. I don't think it's any more justifiable than cheating and lying. This is simply one of those situations where you can't have your cake and eat it too.

[Trimmer]

Additionally, this would involve not cheating, which in all honesty is something I do want to do

I think you may have already addressed this partly, but I want to clarify this unambiguously: are you saying that part of what you feel driven to experience is specifically the act of cheating?

 

I have always considered the idea of infidelity a cultural construct more than an intrinsic or evolutionary one, or as some universally wrong act as some religions seems to stress. I understand our culture frowns upon this type of behavior, but in my current mindset I am inclined to rebuttal with 'you are only young once,' or 'is infidelity always such an objectively unforgivable act, or are there certain circumstances that make is less bad?'

I believe others have touched on this, but I'm going to reiterate. I think you should set aside your deliberations about whether specifically the infidelity itself is right or wrong, morally or culturally defensible, etc., because I think that is allowing you to duck a more fundamental issue.

 

I believe you should focus your deliberations on the idea that a relationship - in order to achieve the potential that you believe you see in your current one - needs to be based on a meeting of the minds - a common understanding. Without even introducing the fidelity issue, I believe the real human failure would be to be in a relationship with someone and allow them to believe they have a meeting of the minds with you, but then to knowingly act contrary to that common understanding, and then to deceive your partner (even if "only" through lying-by-omission) to keep her suspended in a state of false perception and belief.

 

You can argue all day that infidelity, monogamy, etc. are social or cultural constructs, but you can set those aside and still ask: how could you let her believe your relationship is one thing, when you are willingly, knowingly, intentionally, and deceptively pursuing something else? I don't think you can wiggle out of that one with "cultural construct" arguments.

 

My emotional state is somewhat inert at this point--like I outlined above I really just feel like doing whatever I want, although my rational mind somewhat despises this.

You know, I completely understand and even support going out and having a great, wild, hedonistic time of your life. That would make you a not-completely-unusual, crazy, horny, adventurous male. But I don't accept doing it on the shoulders of someone who believes they are participating in a certain kind of relationship, which you are actually misrepresenting materially and intentionally. That would make you a douchebag of the highest order.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Trimmer

[LonelyInsomniac]

There are ways to **** two girls at once.

 

There is not, however, a way to be in the mindset that it's alright to violate and debase your relationship with one person, in the way which you're proposing, to fuel a risky lifestyle and still consider yourself a caring, conscientious young man. All actions have consequences, good and bad, regardless of how quickly they become evident.

 

Your girlfriend's insecure. Ever wonder if she's sensed the distance you put yourself from her, in the half-truths? In the 'innocent' flirtations that many would consider an affair of its own? In the way you treat other women around her? People pick up on thousands of minute, barely perceptible cues as we speak, touch, show... if sadistic pleasure is your end goal, consider how it feels right now to have this girl on the side while your "main" woman is wracked with completely and utterly justified insecurity.

 

This is the thrill of the intrigue of cheating.

[salparadise]

You can argue all day that infidelity, monogamy, etc. are social or cultural constructs, but you can set those aside and still ask: how could you let her believe your relationship is one thing, when you are willingly, knowingly, intentionally, and deceptively pursuing something else? I don't think you can wiggle out of that one with "cultural construct" arguments.

 

That's right. The basis of moral issue is intent. This would fundamentally change the relationship with the girlfriend even if she never knew exactly why. It would fundamentally change his relationship with himself as he would always know what he did was wrong, regardless. He must choose the low road or the high road now. The paths do not converge. The implications are greater than he realizes.

[AMusing]

I think you may have already addressed this partly, but I want to clarify this unambiguously: are you saying that part of what you feel driven to experience is specifically the act of cheating?

 

I brought this up on Friday, and he never really clarified. I'm still curious. Totally agree with the rest of your post.

[will1988]

ask your gf for a 3 some!

[LeGenDary_Man]

I find your statement of western 'loose morals' to be entirely to all-encompassing. Additionally, your contention about religion I find inaccurate. Survey statistics suggests that over 50% of men and almost half of women admit to being unfaithful sometime in their life, which would include mostly religious individuals considering only 15% ish (not sure exactly) Americans don't follow a religion.

Americans have replaced religious culture with self-gratification culture during 20th century. Self-gratification culture tempts people to stray from moralistic life style introduced by religions. End result is populace in which many individuals have weak super-ego.

 

And statistics don't give you the whole picture; it overlooks psychological picture. Abrahamic religions frown upon cheating; such acts are punishable under religious laws. True practitioners of Abrahamic religions never cheat; only the pretenders cheat (people who are not religious by deeds but only in name).

 

I would also debate whether certain western religious morals are actually moral when analyzed objectively; I don't see how abstaining from pre-marital sex, homophobia, or anti-masterbation result in any sort of positive outcomes or enhance the the 'super-ego.'

Purpose of such indoctrinations is to promote self-control and discourage self-gratification.

 

Q: Why discourage self-gratification?

 

A: Self-gratification behavior promotes selfishness.

 

Q: Why shun selfishness?

 

A: Selfish people are highly likely to hurt others on the basis of their cake-eating tendencies.

 

Actually you can compare humans to other primates in an appreciable manner. Our higher faculties may increase the complexity of our personalities; however, by many means we are still slave to our genes. In fact, there is a gene that has been discovered to be involved in cheating, as well as how we respond to hormones like vasopressin both show a high correlation with unfaithfulness. The debate of free will is another topic, but I don't think it's as easy as 'humans can choose.'

We (humans) are not as much of a slave to our genes as you think. We (humans) are gifted with extraordinarily powerful brain unlike other species; this brain grants us (humans) extraordinary rationalizing capabilities. All other animals significantly lack on the rationalization front sue to their brains being relatively much less complex then that of a human.

 

Q: Why do you think people introduced rules and laws?

 

A: To promote self-control on societal scale by discouraging activities that are harmful to other humans. People can harm each other in both manners; physically and psychologically.

 

Of-course, every human have biological urges/needs. However, people with strong superego are capable of suppressing their biological urges to great degree.

 

Q: What is superego?

 

A: "The part of a person's mind that acts as a self-critical conscience, reflecting social standards learned from parents and teachers."

 

Strong superego is a great self-control mechanism.

 

As I pointed out before, mental disorders are an exception; they can lead to questionable behaviors. However, lot of mental disorders are treatable. This is why cheaters are often advised to seek therapy and vice versa. Cheaters commonly have self-esteem issues; in other words, weak superego. These people are much more likely to give in to temptations then those who do not have self-esteem issues; in other words, strong superego. You may subscribe to biological explanations but such explanations can never be justified properly with exclusion of psychological aspect of things.

 

People with mental disorders which are not treatable, belong to psychiatric hospitals because these people are not fit to live within the society.

 

I'm not sure why those who chose to analyze the psychological phenomena behind this are so fond of Freudian's constructs....nevertheless, I highly disagree with several assertions of yours.

You are mistaken. Mental disorder analogy above discredits this assumption.

 

Ever thought about the negative influence of pornography (a product of self-gratification culture) on human brain? It fuels dopamine chemical in the brain which in turn fuels human's sexual desire. People with strong superego will consciously abstain from activities which might fuel their self-gratification side (Id). However, people with weak superego would be tempted to do the opposite; give in to their id and seek self-gratification.

 

Q: What is Id?

 

A: "The part of the mind in which innate instinctive impulses and primary processes are manifest."

 

Superego grants resistance against id.

 

Also, pornography is just one channel. Chemical changes in brain can occur through other factors as well. My advice to you is that you seek therapy. Because if you end-up cheating and caught afterwards, chances are high that you might end-up hurting feelings of your GF; in other words, you might inflict psychological harm to her or emotionally scar her. She is likely to heal from this but will dump you and move on to find a better man for her.

Edited June 10, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Xinreeki]

If you feel so drawn to this other girl, then either break up with your current gf, or at the very least tell her how you are feeling and ask if she is willing to consider having an open relationship with you.

 

That way you won't be lying to her, she'll know what your thoughts truly are, she'll have all the facts to base her decisions on, and if she feels the "urge" to sleep around too, she'll know that all would be cool with you.

[Roadkill007]

yeaaa... just accept that you're an asshat, go have your fun, and don't look back. Stop trying to pretend you care, stop promising more than you can give, and let the girl go. To see you rationalizing this so much makes it pretty clear we can't stop you... at least don't hurt the girl you claim to care for more than necessary.

[Jono85]

lmao @ you thinking you have morals and are a good person. what a complete joke, and it's sickening that ppl like you find ways to justify being a sh*tty person. it's actually quite sad. break up with this poor girl and go have your fun. don't drag her feelings through the mud b/c you feel entitled to sleeping with other gorgious women since you dealt with a serious illness. unreal.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have very little to add to the above three posts other than

 

Your girlfriend has a finite life as well. Most likely she would not wish to waste that time with someone who has so little regard for her.

 

Good people do not treat some people as disposable and irrelevant and other as a charitable cause.

 

Your girlfriend will most likely recognize this and will fail to give a damn about your non-profits when she finds out. You are such a heavy rationalizer that you will not stop at one. Especially once you've broken the cheating seal.

 

And finally good people don't use kind deeds as a way to purchase a Golden Ticket to behave however they please.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have very little to add to the above three posts other than

 

Your girlfriend has a finite life as well. Most likely she would not wish to waste that time with someone who has so little regard for her.

 

Good people do not treat some people as disposable and irrelevant and other as a charitable cause.

 

Your girlfriend will most likely recognize this and will fail to give a damn about your non-profits when she finds out. You are such a heavy rationalizer that you will not stop at one. Especially once you've broken the cheating seal.

 

And finally good people don't use kind deeds as a way to purchase a Golden Ticket to behave however they please.

 

The post by Le Gendary Man was spot on and well-structured.

 

It's amazing how people like the OP try to use intellectual arguments to justify ignorant behaviour. And how they just end up sounding like arrogant, bordering-on-sociopathic, windbags.

[BeholdtheMan]

I've been very healthy and have developed a serious carpe diem attitude after dealing with chronic illness for so long.

You wanna carpe diem? Break up with your current girlfriend and go all out for this "unnervingly gorgeous" woman you keep fantasising about. Become a single ladies' man. That's called carpe diem.

 

If you string along your girlfriend while attempting to cheat on her, you're just being another selfish coward who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

You can carpe diem and maintain your integrity. Only question is...do you have the balls to do it?

[JAG-UR]

I feel that if you want to experience the most out of life, you should endeavour to develop the most meaningful and intimate relationship possible. Several sexual encounters won't satisfy you fully as a human being. If you want to see how good life can get, let things develop with your partner. Not everyone experiences good relationships or love, so shouldn't that be the goal if experience is what you seek?

[TheEnergizer]

What's the problem?

 

Two choices.

 

Either you want sex, or a good relationship with a great girl.

 

If you want sex, break up.

 

If not, then be happy with your current girlfriend.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, the world doesn't owe you special considerations or morality loopholes because you were sick. Especially not some innocent girl that you are about to hurt.

 

You suggest that you missed out on being a young adult. By all means, make up for lost time but that means you are not ready for a serious relationship (and you are not). Go and have some casual sex and when you are done, settle in a serious relationship with most likely different girl. It means losing out on your current gf, but that's what life is. Series of choices. Choosing one path means turning your back on another.