My New Thoughts on Being Friendzoned

[imtooconfused]

I have a friend situation that's been bugging me. We are just friends, I know that. I am really attracted to her, she knows that, and we both know nothing will come of it. But she really likes to hang out with me, what I would consider boyfriend type things: Shopping, dining, clubbing, dancing. I'll add hanging out with her family and picking out colors for her floors and counters. She has other guy friend-only friends, but she asks me to do the one-on-one things the most. It's been a challenge for me to understand why she would want to do all these one-on-one things with me, but still keep me at arms length. This is all the backstory...

 

In order to explain my new theory, you have to understand that she is extremely attractive. She gets hit on constantly, even in my presence, more than any other woman I have met. I know she is flattered by this because she is single, but I have to think it's hard for her to go out and just have fun if you've got guys interrupting you at every turn, especially when she goes out with her other girlfriends. She seems almost to be numb to it all.

 

So my theory and question to the group is, would it be possible that she is just using me as a shield to block other guy's advances when she wants to go out and simply have some fun without being bothered all the time? With me in her presence, she can have a better time being single than if she went out with her girlfriends. I would especially appreciate feedback from other women who have friend-only male friends that they see frequently.

 

I don't need advice about how wrong it is for me to cling to this relationship or to continue to facilitate her friendzoning me. I have pretty much stopped being her buddy. But if what I now feel is true, I would have a better understanding of why she does this and why she gets so bitter that we can't hang out anymore.

[Emmii]

I have a friend situation that's been bugging me. We are just friends, I know that. I am really attracted to her, she knows that, and we both know nothing will come of it. But she really likes to hang out with me, what I would consider boyfriend type things: Shopping, dining, clubbing, dancing. I'll add hanging out with her family and picking out colors for her floors and counters. She has other guy friend-only friends, but she asks me to do the one-on-one things the most. It's been a challenge for me to understand why she would want to do all these one-on-one things with me, but still keep me at arms length. This is all the backstory...

 

In order to explain my new theory, you have to understand that she is extremely attractive. She gets hit on constantly, even in my presence, more than any other woman I have met. I know she is flattered by this because she is single, but I have to think it's hard for her to go out and just have fun if you've got guys interrupting you at every turn, especially when she goes out with her other girlfriends. She seems almost to be numb to it all.

 

So my theory and question to the group is, would it be possible that she is just using me as a shield to block other guy's advances when she wants to go out and simply have some fun without being bothered all the time? With me in her presence, she can have a better time being single than if she went out with her girlfriends. I would especially appreciate feedback from other women who have friend-only male friends that they see frequently.

 

I don't need advice about how wrong it is for me to cling to this relationship or to continue to facilitate her friendzoning me. I have pretty much stopped being her buddy. But if what I now feel is true, I would have a better understanding of why she does this and why she gets so bitter that we can't hang out anymore.

 

As female I have a lot male friends and sometimes you find that hanging out with a male you feel safer. Maybe she's been hurt in the past and thats why she's got her defenses up. Knowing you like her and you'll behàved like a gentleman makes her feel special. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she did start to have feelings for you. As you said she gets so bitter when you can't hang out.

[imtooconfused]

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she did start to have feelings for you.

 

That's not likely to happen as she has made it clear I am not her "type." You nailed it though, I am a perfect gentleman and she prefers bad boys. I have helped her out of several troubled relationships, and I just look at her and want to say "duh!" when the relationship turns bad, but you genuinely feel sorry for someone who just does not see the connection.

[Emmii]

That's not likely to happen as she has made it clear I am not her "type." You nailed it though, I am a perfect gentleman and she prefers bad boys. I have helped her out of several troubled relationships, and I just look at her and want to say "duh!" when the relationship turns bad, but you genuinely feel sorry for someone who just does not see the connection.

 

 

Women don't sometimes realize that they've started failing for gentleman. I was like her. I use to go for the bad boys and I had a friend who was always there. I didn't realize I'd fallen for him until it was to late and someone snapped him up.

[violetsareviolet]

to the OP

 

it sounds like you're frustrated with the situation but don't really want to take charge. women love men who are confident with what they want out of life and state their mind; the men who take control...hence why they love "bad boys". the "gentlemen" tend to refrain from doing anything that might upset the woman, including minor disagreements or declining the hang out sessions...it are these gentlemen who most often looked over in the scheme of things.

 

this does not mean you have to give up your gentleman-ly qualities, because they are most definitely VERY important! you just need to have a balance of restraint and action.

 

look at it this way, are you getting what you want out of the friendship? you might be getting kicks walking around with an attractive woman, but does she stimulate you mentally with awesome conversation or do you guys do really unique and fun things together?

 

no offense, but it sounds like she's just using you as a pawn for her own comfort and satisfaction and really doesn't care about your feelings...otherwise she wouldn't be doing this to you and leading you on with these pseudo-dates.

 

it might be hard, but honestly my friend, you should limit your interactions with her and start saying "no" to these 1 on 1 things. it's all good once every few weeks or whatever, but a higher frequency than that and sadly I just think you're being used as a doormat :\ that never feels good

 

be the alpha, say no...it doesn't sound like she's enabling you to be a better man, so IMO...move upward and onward! find a woman who appreciates everything about you, otherwise you're just wasting your own time.

 

but on the flip side, if you do like her...maybe take a few weeks break then sit her down for a serious conversation. tell her that you don't want to keep being lead along like a fool if she won't reciprocate and be woman enough to dedicate her time to you as a partner. the key is to take a lot of time away and non-communication (no phone, texts or emails) and focus on you, not wasting time fulfilling her selfish needs...it will also give her time to leverage the situation and see how empty her life is with out you

 

she will either a) appreciate your manliness, courage and honesty with taking control of the situation and agree to see what happens or b) be nice and say "awwww how sweet, but I just can't go out with you. we can still be friends though!"

 

the latter might hurt, but you will have your answer and despite what you think...life will go on ! I promise you that there are many amazing, beautiful women who will appreciate the effort you put into your relationship.

 

hope this helps, my friend

[imtooconfused]

violetsareviolet, what you describe in your post ^ above is the imtooconfused of about a year ago. I did take charge and told her we can't be buddies any longer and that simple friends was the farthest I am willing to go. It's worked reasonably well. But summer is just around the corner and the invitations are starting to trickle in. I posted the question to try and develop an understanding of where she is coming from in order to figure out whether there is a change of heart or if this is another blind alley. My working assumption is the latter and I plan to keep some distance.

 

For the record, I think this is spot on:

 

it sounds like she's just using you as a pawn for her own comfort and satisfaction and really doesn't care about your feelings...otherwise she wouldn't be doing this to you and leading you on with these pseudo-dates.

[violetsareviolet]

violetsareviolet, what you describe in your post ^ above is the imtooconfused of about a year ago. I did take charge and told her we can't be buddies any longer and that simple friends was the farthest I am willing to go. It's worked reasonably well. But summer is just around the corner and the invitations are starting to trickle in. I posted the question to try and develop an understanding of where she is coming from in order to figure out whether there is a change of heart or if this is another blind alley. My working assumption is the latter and I plan to keep some distance.

 

For the record, I think this is spot on:

 

gotcha buddy..sorry about that.

 

surely then, it sounds like she is using you as a comfort blanket (doormat was a little harsh, sorry ) ...instead of having to be on-guard with a new guy in her life, she's already very comfortable with you which is why she keeps doing that to you. she might be nice, yes, but this motive is very selfish...and not attractive IMO.

 

even the most beautiful women can have the darkest heart

 

don't be discouraged! there are literally millionsssss of lovely women out there who I'm sure would love to get to know you

 

get out there and meet em and make this other friend jealous

 

said friend "heyyyy im(not)tooconfused(anymore), lets go to the mall and get lunch!"

 

you "ohhh, I would but I'm going to a movie with *insert new girl's name here*...sorry about that, maybe next week!"

 

I can guarantee she will start questioning why she treats you the way she does and you quite possibly could see a change of heart.

 

best of luck my friend

Edited June 7, 2013 by violetsareviolet

[JenFree2013]

You'll know and feel where you stand... just be patient and think positive

[somedude81]

Have you tired hanging out at your place or hers, and then having a few drinks?

 

Get "drunk" then kiss her.

 

Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol

Edited June 10, 2013 by somedude81

[imtooconfused]

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. It is helpful. I will keep my eyes open, but...

 

I'm not gonna say that she has had everything handed to her on a silver spoon, not in the slightest. But when she does want something, she has learned to use her looks very effectively to get what she needs. I even tease her about that and she does not deny it. Now that she knows how well that works on me she continues to get what she needs from me, which is nothing more than a...

 

surely then, it sounds like she is using you as a comfort blanket (doormat was a little harsh, sorry ) ...instead of having to be on-guard with a new guy in her life, she's already very comfortable with you which is why she keeps doing that to you. she might be nice, yes, but this motive is very selfish...and not attractive IMO.

 

And that is not very attractive at all, which is why I need to be on my guard.

[Country_Girl]

I was friend-zoned by a guy and the situation sounds similar.

 

We pretty much hung out one on one all the time, rarely were there other people involved. It felt like mini-dates. We would go out to the movies, have dinner, split meals, run to McDonald's for a blizzard, hit the casino- it was rather confusing for me.

 

After almost a year of mixed signals, I confessed in a drunk text that I liked him. He had a girlfriend for a few months at this time, and I was in no way trying to interceed with his relationship - but it was my way of saying 'this is how I feel'. I told him not to reply, I just wanted to get it off my chest. He replied that of course he's going to reply, and 'lets just see where the future takes us'.

 

As the weeks progressed, the mind f%#* continued, as he was still inviting me to dinners, coffee, and movies. He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend and our hangouts progressed to renting movies, cuddling on the couch and sleep overs (nothing sexual but we did give each other back rubs).

 

He ended up getting a girlfriend last summer and now we don't talk anymore, he felt it would be inappropriate.

 

The moral of the story is, people that do this know full well what they are doing. You are placed in the toy chest, only to be brought out when the other person needs an ego stroke. With you they get the benifit of a relationship (companionship and some levels of intimacy) without having to be in a relationship. It feels good to those people, because they know someone wants them, even if they don't want you.

 

Don't make my mistake, once she gets into a relationship and you'll be dropped like a hot potato. You'll feel even worse because you'll see how easy it was for the person to drop you, and it will confirm the friendship was rather one sided.

 

Good luck OP.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Country_Girl
phrase error

[imtooconfused]

Country_Girl, thanks for sharing your story. It has really helped me understand what a blind alley this whole thing is. It also confirms to me that this can happen to women too, though maybe not as often. The part of your story that was most familiar to me:

 

As the weeks progressed, the mind f%#* continued