girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 My bf and I have been together for several months now. We "met" online. Not through chatrooms but I don't know if I'm allowed to say which site. Regardless, after we'd started dating, I asked him to change his status on that particular site from "single" to "in a relationship." And he complied. Being the uber-computer geek that he is, when he moved to the area, he used several online dating sites. At the time of the revelation, it didn't come to me then to ask which ones/whether he was still registered/etc. I mean, I just figured that he'd stopped using them to prowl for other women because he'd been telling me that he loves me. Anyway, I've had this nagging feeling that he's sort of still looking, even though he's told me that I'm his one and only sweetheart, that I'm his girlfriend, that I'm important to him, etc. Call it paranoia, female intuition, maybe even jealousy. whatever. Today, I decided to see if my nagging fears were unfounded. and they're not. I found one of his profiles that said it'd been active within the past week, and his status on this particular site read: "single" available for "play, dating." I am so sick to my stomach. And just last night, I brought him food, tried to comfort him through his not feeling well. Early on, I told him not to break my heart. I think it's been shattered. I'm being played for a huge fool, aren't I? Do I confront him about this? How? do it even if he's not feeling well? Link to post Share on other sites
mike78207 Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 boys will be boys. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by girl_in_nyc My bf and I have been together for several months now. We "met" online. Not through chatrooms but I don't know if I'm allowed to say which site. Regardless, after we'd started dating, I asked him to change his status on that particular site from "single" to "in a relationship." And he complied. Being the uber-computer geek that he is, when he moved to the area, he used several online dating sites. At the time of the revelation, it didn't come to me then to ask which ones/whether he was still registered/etc. I mean, I just figured that he'd stopped using them to prowl for other women because he'd been telling me that he loves me. Anyway, I've had this nagging feeling that he's sort of still looking, even though he's told me that I'm his one and only sweetheart, that I'm his girlfriend, that I'm important to him, etc. Call it paranoia, female intuition, maybe even jealousy. whatever. Today, I decided to see if my nagging fears were unfounded. and they're not. I found one of his profiles that said it'd been active within the past week, and his status on this particular site read: "single" available for "play, dating." I am so sick to my stomach. And just last night, I brought him food, tried to comfort him through his not feeling well. Early on, I told him not to break my heart. I think it's been shattered. I'm being played for a huge fool, aren't I? Do I confront him about this? How? do it even if he's not feeling well? Yes, ask him about it. Doesn't matter if he's not feeling well right now.. if he is to sick to answer a question, then he is for real to sick to be planning any "play dates" on a singles site! Ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by mike78207 boys will be boys. mg Mike! Well then let him be a SINGLE BOY! Pssshhhhhh! Bring on the MEN! Tee Hee! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 What a sh*tty thing to do. I'd TOTALLY confront him, of course. He's dump material in my book if he's looking to date/meet other women and commited to you. He's sooooo busted. Absolutely confront. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Oh no...wait. Reply to it and see if he bites. Make up another profile. Then put yours on there as active and single too. Ohhhhhhh boy. That would be interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy Oh no...wait. Reply to it and see if he bites. Make up another profile. Then put yours on there as active and single too. Ohhhhhhh boy. That would be interesting. and then what? I'd still have confront him about this. I don't want my out-of-town friend to meet him AT all now. I'm so embarrassed to tell my friends about this. My 1st real relationship in years and this is how it ends up?? Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Totally ask him then. Maybe he had a good reason? Ask if he wants to openly date...and act like it'd be cool with you if he wanted...then he'll want YOU, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by mike78207 boys will be boys. that's your answer? seriously, what would you tell a female friend of yours who was in my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Don't play around here. Tell him, this is what I found, this is what it said... Then be quiet. Say NOTHING more. Let him explain why, who, what, and where. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Have you considered that it may just be an old profile that he forgot about? Can you tell how recently it has been accessed? Or better yet, reply to him under a false identity. You could get a heartwarming confirmation of his faithfulness...or you might get the goods to nail his @ss to the wall!!! Either way, you win! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 What the heck are you embarrassed about?? He's the one lied, not you. It's hardly you're fault that he was so d*mn good at it! If I were one of your friends, I wouldn't think badly of you just because you've been played by a con. In fact, I'd be darn HAPPY for you that you found this out now rather than later…after you've invested even more of your time and emotions on this social numpty. Confront him with what you've found and let that be the reason you give to end this mockery of a relationship NOW. Don't think for a second that there isn't MORE of the same treatment to come if you decide to cling to this loser in the "hope" that he will learn his lesson and come around. Remember---What you see is exactly what you'll get! Link to post Share on other sites
Author girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Have you considered that it may just be an old profile that he forgot about? Can you tell how recently it has been accessed? Or better yet, reply to him under a false identity. You could get a heartwarming confirmation of his faithfulness...or you might get the goods to nail his @ss to the wall!!! Either way, you win! Even if the "Active within 5 days" isn't correct, he makes plenty of references to things that've happened since he considered me his gf. i.e., - the last book he read? it's a book I lent him after we determined the relationship! - makes mention of a firm bed. he never had one until a month ago; until then, he'd been sleeping on a futon mattress! Thus, these things indicate to me that he's "updated" his profile since we've been bf/gf. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Oh he's been online. It doesn't LIE. Confront him. What are you waiting for?! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by girl_in_nyc Even if the "Active within 5 days" isn't correct, he makes plenty of references to things that've happened since he considered me his gf. i.e., - the last book he read? it's a book I lent him after we determined the relationship! - makes mention of a firm bed. he never had one until a month ago; until then, he'd been sleeping on a futon mattress! Thus, these things indicate to me that he's "updated" his profile since we've been bf/gf. WTF? A Firm Bed?! Holy Crap! This is "Need to Know" Info on a singles site? LOL Damn! Go kick him off the firm bed and ask him what the deal is! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Being a 41 year old man, I have seen many friends and I too have done what your "boyfriend" is doing. It's no excuse, but he is a young horny man. Of course he tells you "I love you, your the only one, etc.". would you stay with him if he said "I still check out other women or I still talk to chicks online"? Lying is the only way he can have you and play with other chicks too. Either he will grow up and someday become an honest adult or he will stay a snake forever. I grew up, I have friends who are still snakes. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Don't let Fred fool ya, he's still a snake. Ssssss! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy Don't let Fred fool ya, he's still a snake. Ssssss! Maybe in my mind....but I would never act on my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girl_in_nyc Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by fredrolin It's no excuse, but he is a young horny man. Of course he tells you "I love you, your the only one, etc.". would you stay with him if he said "I still check out other women or I still talk to chicks online"? If he wants to date other women, then I will not be his 'girlfriend'. I don't think I even want to be his friend. How callous can someone be?? What I do want to do is call his best friend (an ex fiancee of his) and tell her what I found out. I could easily find her email address - we went to the same college but did not know each other. I do thank you for your honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 You know I'm just pickin'.... To the original poster...let us know what happens when you decide to confront him. LS is a great group to get support from. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by girl_in_nyc If he wants to date other women, then I will not be his 'girlfriend'. I don't think I even want to be his friend. How callous can someone be?? . Alot of guys want the security of a steady girl and want to play on the side. And people can be real callous. Link to post Share on other sites
dizi Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 Have you two been together long? His best friend is his ex fiance? And you're ok with that? I wouldn't even bother going the route of contacting her. I like the idea of setting up some bait and seeing if he bites. If he does, you can send him a message saying that it's over. Done deal! If he's "checking in" often, he'll get the message quickly. That's so s*itty. I'm sorry that happened to you...You just never really know, do you? It's all trial and error. In any case, remember that guys like that aren't worth tears, k love? Take care!! Keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 Regardless, after we'd started dating, I asked him to change his status on that particular site from "single" to "in a relationship." And he complied. Ask him again and let him know that this is not being whiny, it's really important to you. See his reaction. If he acts like he understands your concerns and he promises to change the status in his profile, check the other websites where he has put a profile up and which he doesn't know you know about. If he took them down, or there is 'involved and unavailable' on them, great. If he hasn't, you have two options: - you decide that a guy who lies to you, and needs to have a 'single and looking' profile online is not worth your time and you dump his ass, or - you set up some bait (as other posters advised), or better have someone else do it for you. (I usually am against setups unless it is really necessary and here you have a crucial decision to make.) If he does not write back, it means either that even if he has a 'single'profile up he's not *really* looking, it's just for fun and he is just curious whether some girl might contact him or not....if so he enjoys reading mails he receives but does not reply to them, or that he is smart enough to know a bait when he sees one. You could also confront him and tell him about everything you found....then ask him to check the mailbox(es) he used to register to the dating sites. Good luck in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 What I do want to do is call his best friend (an ex fiancee of his) and tell her what I found out. I could easily find her email address - we went to the same college but did not know each other. So what is she going to do? Scold him? She is his EX fiancee...lol, I am positive there is a GOOD REASON why they aren't together anymore! If you really do love him, then talk to him very honestly about how it makes YOU feel when he does this stuff. If he can't stop or doesn't want to stop then I guess the ball is in your court. Stay and put up with his fun on the side online or break up with him and find someone else who will make you heart flutter and treat you with the love and respect you deserve! Link to post Share on other sites
twalkoe Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 I really hope that I am replying on time to this one and that you haven't confronted him yet. Look... you have direct evidence that he has updated this site since the two of you have confirmed your committment to each other. If you take the loving g/f route...he'll lie and make up some excuse, you'll believe the lie...cuz that's what we do...we trust...then something else will come up in the future where you think he's playing around...you'll take the same loving g/f route again...he'll lie again...and then all of a sudden it's two years later and you've just caught him in bed with the neighbor lady! Set the bastard up! Catch him in the act... Make this profile so unbelieveably wonderful that he has to reply and then dump his ass! Trust me on this one...I just saved you two years of your life sister! Link to post Share on other sites
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