The continuing adventures of some amazing dude.

[Star Gazer]

And yeah, you have the experience.

 

Castle has sex experience (a lot of it), but he does not have relationship experience.

 

What is your priority here? To develop a relationship, or just get laid?

[somedude81]

Just be careful. This sounds a lot like pressure, and you could end up pushing her away rather than making her want to have sex with you. Being pressured can be a huge turn off to some women, when you might be better off allowing her to take the lead on when the sex is going to happen. She may like it better and feel more comfortable if she feels like she is in control of when it happens, as opposed to feeling like she has to do it to keep you interested.

I really don't think I'm pressuring her. I have not asked her for sex, or even asked when she thinks she'll be ready. I have respected all of her boundaries.

 

She knows that I want to have sex with her and am basically waiting for her to decide that it's OK. Frankly though, I wouldn't be surprised if we have sex the next time she comes over.

 

If we don't have sex, I'm hoping she will at least offer to do something for me, if she doesn't let me do anything to her. Honestly, we haven't been all that sexual yet; just making out and cuddling with our shirts off. And it's pretty difficult to stop there and go to sleep after that.

Castle has sex experience (a lot of it), but he does not have relationship experience.

 

What is your priority here? To develop a relationship, or just get laid?

A lot of what Mr.Castle has said applies to my situation right now and what I'm going through. He understands what I'm doing and how I'm thinking about it.

 

Yes there will be a point when our views diverge.

 

Right now I'm in a non-sexual relationship and I want it to progress to a full-fledged mature relationship.

[KungFuJoe]

Right now I'm in a non-sexual relationship and I want it to progress to a full-fledged mature relationship.

 

Just keep in mind that a sexual relationship does not necessarily mean a "mature" relationship.

 

Actually, I'm not sure "mature" is the right word to use, but I assume you mean something more meaningful and complete.

[Star Gazer]

A lot of what Mr.Castle has said applies to my situation right now and what I'm going through. He understands what I'm doing and how I'm thinking about it.

 

Yes there will be a point when our views diverge.

 

Right now I'm in a non-sexual relationship and I want it to progress to a full-fledged mature relationship.

 

If your goal is towards a relationship, I suggest listening to those with relationship experience.

[clia]

I really don't think I'm pressuring her. I have not asked her for sex, or even asked when she thinks she'll be ready. I have respected all of her boundaries.

 

She knows that I want to have sex with her and am basically waiting for her to decide that it's OK. Frankly though, I wouldn't be surprised if we have sex the next time she comes over.

 

If we don't have sex, I'm hoping she will at least offer to do something for me, if she doesn't let me do anything to her. Honestly, we haven't been all that sexual yet; just making out and cuddling with our shirts off. And it's pretty difficult to stop there and go to sleep after that.

 

When you said you "strongly hinted" that something else would be appreciated, that sounded to me like pressure. But, of course I am not privy to your communications with her, so maybe it didn't come off that way.

 

But, all I know is that she is 20 years old -- very young -- and she likes you -- who, despite your lack of relationship experience, is 11 years older than her. That is a huge age difference. You are closer to me in age than her. I put myself in her shoes, at age 20, and think about if I liked a guy who was 11 years older, who I wanted to impress and to like me, and the things he said...and I could easily see myself getting pressured into sex when I wasn't ready, just because I liked him. She is so young and inexperienced. And although you are relationship inexperienced, you are life experienced. She is not. Please take all that to heart as you are navigating forward. Although you may consider yourself to be immature, she is far more immature than you.

[somedude81]

Just keep in mind that a sexual relationship does not necessarily mean a "mature" relationship.

 

Actually, I'm not sure "mature" is the right word to use, but I assume you mean something more meaningful and complete.

Mature, adult. Those are the terms that I'm thinking of.

 

Right now our relationship strikes me as being very innocent. None of us has even seen the other naked yet, so we're basically PG-13 (at least back in the day when it was OK to show boobs in PG-13 movies.)

 

We had our first date a little over a month ago. And I've known her since February.

 

I'm also a little worried that something will happen and the relationship will end before we have sex. That would be extremely frustrating to me to come so close and have nothing happen.

[MrCastle]

If your goal is towards a relationship, I suggest listening to those with relationship experience.

 

Yes you seem to be very knowledgable in that field. I am not.

[KungFuJoe]

Mature, adult. Those are the terms that I'm thinking of.

 

Right now our relationship strikes me as being very innocent. None of us has even seen the other naked yet, so we're basically PG-13 (at least back in the day when it was OK to show boobs in PG-13 movies.)

 

We had our first date a little over a month ago. And I've known her since February.

 

I'm also a little worried that something will happen and the relationship will end before we have sex. That would be extremely frustrating to me to come so close and have nothing happen.

 

Don't stress too much over and it just let it happen. Remember...there are no rules and no timelines. Just have fun. If you have an attitude that you're having fun, enjoying the time you are spending with another person, then even if things don't work out, you don't go away feeling mad and bitter or that you wasted time.

 

It's all part of the journey.

[ThaWholigan]

Don't stress too much over and it just let it happen. Remember...there are no rules and no timelines. Just have fun. If you have an attitude that you're having fun, enjoying the time you are spending with another person, then even if things don't work out, you don't go away feeling mad and bitter or that you wasted time.

 

It's all part of the journey.

I'd also add that you articulating your worry that the sex won't happen with her is likely what is causing the reaction from some of the ladies here - not taking sides but just pointing that out so you are aware how that sounds. Because it can easily make it sound like the sex is more important - even though obviously I know that isn't the case here.

 

You just need to keep perspective, that's all.

[KungFuJoe]

I'd also add that you articulating your worry that the sex won't happen with her is likely what is causing the reaction from some of the ladies here - not taking sides but just pointing that out so you are aware how that sounds. Because it can easily make it sound like the sex is more important - even though obviously I know that isn't the case here.

 

You just need to keep perspective, that's all.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[somedude81]

When you said you "strongly hinted" that something else would be appreciated, that sounded to me like pressure. But, of course I am not privy to your communications with her, so maybe it didn't come off that way.

She's a smart girl and she knew I was horny. I subtly gave her the idea that I would like her to do something and that it didn't have to be sex. She understood what I meant and declined.

 

But, all I know is that she is 20 years old -- very young -- and she likes you -- who, despite your lack of relationship experience, is 11 years older than her. That is a huge age difference. You are closer to me in age than her. I put myself in her shoes, at age 20, and think about if I liked a guy who was 11 years older, who I wanted to impress and to like me, and the things he said...and I could easily see myself getting pressured into sex when I wasn't ready, just because I liked him. She is so young and inexperienced. And although you are relationship inexperienced, you are life experienced. She is not. Please take all that to heart as you are navigating forward. Although you may consider yourself to be immature, she is far more immature than you.

Our age difference means absolutely nothing.

 

I doubt I am more experienced than her in anything. As far as I can tell, the only thing I have done that she hasn't, is lived on my own. She really doesn't seem inexperienced or immature about anything. Hell, she's even better at drinking than I am thanks to her family background.

 

IMO the most important factor in terms of experience is our relationship experience. She was in a three year long relationship and this guy wasn't her first boyfriend. That right there tells me that she knows a hell of a lot more about relationships than I do.

 

One thing I really don't understand is the feeling of not being ready for sex. But that's probably because I'm a guy, and don't really know yet about how girls work.

[clia]

I'd also add that you articulating your worry that the sex won't happen with her is likely what is causing the reaction from some of the ladies here - not taking sides but just pointing that out so you are aware how that sounds. Because it can easily make it sound like the sex is more important - even though obviously I know that isn't the case here.

 

You just need to keep perspective, that's all.

 

This and that in another thread you were somewhat bragging about how you to have split the bill on your dates. I don't get the impression that you are particularly trying to "court" this girl, so to speak. I mean, buy her dinner, for Gods sakes! It seems to me that you like her, and that she likes you and all that, but you seem to be missing the point that she is only 20 years old. She is so young. I remember being 20. If you want a girl who will bang you on date 3, you should go after women your own age. This girl obviously has feelings for you and is afraid to jump into sex. I get the strong impression from this thread that while you like her, you see nothing long term with her, so you are quite willing to use her for sex until you move away. As long as the two of you have had the conversation that it isn't going to be a long term thing, that's cool, but if you are leading her on in the hopes of sex...well, that's where I start to get bothered.

[clia]

 

Our age difference means absolutely nothing.

 

.

 

If you were 51 and she was 40, I would agree with you. But the difference between 20 and 31 is huge.

 

I am happy for you -- I just want to make sure you are aware of the disparity and where she is in life.

[somedude81]

Don't stress too much over and it just let it happen. Remember...there are no rules and no timelines. Just have fun. If you have an attitude that you're having fun, enjoying the time you are spending with another person, then even if things don't work out, you don't go away feeling mad and bitter or that you wasted time.

 

It's all part of the journey.

The problem is that I will be mad and bitter if things don't work out. Honestly I'll be glad that it happened, but I will be extremely pissed to come so close and have things not work out again. I want to be a real boy.

 

When I'm with her, I'm not stressed out about it, and I'm just trying to make sure we both have a good time. Being with her is fun and it's such a blast to be with a girl who actually likes me. I've been looking back at all the other girls I've hung out with and it's painfully obvious now that none of them liked me. Such much emotion wasted.

 

I'd also add that you articulating your worry that the sex won't happen with her is likely what is causing the reaction from some of the ladies here - not taking sides but just pointing that out so you are aware how that sounds. Because it can easily make it sound like the sex is more important - even though obviously I know that isn't the case here.

 

You just need to keep perspective, that's all.

Yeah I had a feeling that was the case. And it's all because they don't have a clue where I'm coming from. Though a few of them are more understanding and they have "likes" on their posts.

 

Yes sex is important to me and I feel that it's necessary for a real relationship, but it's not the most important thing. Frankly it comes across as a bit hypocritical having some of these posters getting mad at me when they engage in casual sex or sleep with a guy on the first or second date.

[jdubinva]

Last time I checked, I'm not in a relationship with you, so why does it bother you how mature I present myself to be?

 

If me saying "boobies" offends you, then maybe you are a little too hard up.

 

Yeah I like to play and joke around.

 

As for the sexual aspect, try to realize that I have never actually had sex with a girl I liked, in my entire life. This is something I've wanted since I was 16, and now it's finally happening at 31. So I'm sorry if I come across a little obsessed about sleeping with her. Right now having sex with her is the only thing I'm worried about, because everything else is working so far.

 

I've never understood the idea of moving from one conquest to the next. I want to stay with her for as long as I possibly can. It makes no sense to dump her after I sleep with her once, and then go an undetermined amount of time trying to find a new girl to have sex with. And no, I won't cheat.

Oh my gosh, you sound just like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

[somedude81]

If you were 51 and she was 40, I would agree with you. But the difference between 20 and 31 is huge.

 

I am happy for you -- I just want to make sure you are aware of the disparity and where she is in life.

Why is the difference huge?

 

Please be aware that we are both in college finishing up our undergrads. I just happened to be in college much longer than she has.

[somedude81]

This and that in another thread you were somewhat bragging about how you to have split the bill on your dates. I don't get the impression that you are particularly trying to "court" this girl, so to speak. I mean, buy her dinner, for Gods sakes!

What does that have to do with anything?

 

What does courting even mean and why do I have to do it? Is it really all about paying for everything?

 

 

 

It seems to me that you like her, and that she likes you and all that, but you seem to be missing the point that she is only 20 years old. She is so young. I remember being 20. If you want a girl who will bang you on date 3, you should go after women your own age. This girl obviously has feelings for you and is afraid to jump into sex. I get the strong impression from this thread that while you like her, you see nothing long term with her,

It would be great if something long term could happen. But I'm aware that our relationship can change in the near future. I'm sorry if me being aware that one of us will move away soon is unromantic.

 

so you are quite willing to use her for sex until you move away. As long as the two of you have had the conversation that it isn't going to be a long term thing, that's cool, but if you are leading her on in the hopes of sex...well, that's where I start to get bothered.

And now you sounding like a man hater...

[Star Gazer]

We had our first date a little over a month ago. And I've known her since February.

 

She was also gone for two weeks and she's a lot younger than you.

 

You act like she's making you wait an unreasonable amount of time for sex. You're so focused on sex. What about getting to know HER?

 

What do you like about her? What do you have in common? What does she aspire for herself? Are your goals and values aligned?

 

Many women need to know you know the answers to these questions before they'll give you the most intimate part of themselves.

[MrCastle]

Somedude. Don't listen to the sex addicted scumbags with no relationship experience (like myself) who heh, actually told you to take things slow.

 

But don't listen to those who have a laundry list of failed relationships either (others)

 

You know who you should listen to? Yourself.

 

And the girl in question...her too.

[clia]

The difference is huge because you've been on the planet for 11 years longer than she has. That allows for 11 more years of learning, growing, and maturing. I get that you are both at the same educational point, but that is not the same thing. Where were you 11 years ago? Were you the exact same level of maturity that you are now? Did you know as much as you know now? Do you think you have the wisdom you do now? Truly, I can't see how you can't acknowledge the age difference here. It can certainly work, but for you to try to claim that the two of you are on equal playing fields doesn't fly. She may have more relationship experience, but you have more life experience. Eleven years more life experience. That's a lot. As you get older, it doesn't matter so much, but I personally look back on 20 to 31 and I turned into a completely different person as I matured and got more life experience.

 

And I am far from a man hater -- but you do need to be honest with her if you don't see it going anywhere. Otherwise, she may be crushed.

Edited July 1, 2013 by clia

[KungFuJoe]

The difference is huge because you've been on the planet for 11 years longer than she has. That allows for 11 more years of learning, growing, and maturing. I get that you are both at the same educational point, but that is not the same thing. Where were you 11 years ago? Were you the exact same level of maturity that you are now? Did you know as much as you know now? Do you think you have the wisdom you do now? Truly, I can't see how you can't acknowledge the age difference here. It can certainly work, but for you to try to claim that the two of you are on equal playing fields doesn't fly. She may have more relationship experience, but you have more life experience. Eleven years more life experience. That's a lot. As you get older, it doesn't matter so much, but I personally look back on 20 to 31 and I turned into a completely different person as I matured and got more life experience.

 

And I am far from a man hater -- but you do need to be honest with her if you don't see it going anywhere. Otherwise, she may be crushed.

 

Age /= maturity.

[veggirl]

omfg. how many times does he have to explicitly state that HE LIKES HER before people will believe him! ffs. painting SD as some predator going after an innocent child is just gross. he said MULTIPLE times that he likes this girl. this girl is out of a long term relationship...SHE has more experience than him.

 

god. he likes this girl. he wants to sleep with her. that's...how it goes. he says he likes her and people still shriek that he doesn't and is using her. ridiculous.

[KungFuJoe]

omfg. how many times does he have to explicitly state that HE LIKES HER before people will believe him! ffs. painting SD as some predator going after an innocent child is just gross. he said MULTIPLE times that he likes this girl. this girl is out of a long term relationship...SHE has more experience than him.

 

god. he likes this girl. he wants to sleep with her. that's...how it goes. he says he likes her and people still shriek that doesn't and is using her. ridiculous.

 

Calm down. No one is burning SD at the stake.

 

Look...HE made the decision to give us the play by play about his newfound relationship. If he doesn't want us to nitpick every little detail, then he can just keep it to himself. This IS loveshack (where overthinking is the only thinking) in case you've forgotten.

 

For the record, I have no problem with SD giving us details. But, he's gonna have to get used to getting picked apart if he chooses to do so.

[jdubinva]

omfg. how many times does he have to explicitly state that HE LIKES HER before people will believe him! ffs. painting SD as some predator going after an innocent child is just gross. he said MULTIPLE times that he likes this girl. this girl is out of a long term relationship...SHE has more experience than him.

 

god. he likes this girl. he wants to sleep with her. that's...how it goes. he says he likes her and people still shriek that he doesn't and is using her. ridiculous.

 

Do you think he'd have any success with a woman around his age?

[veggirl]

Calm down. No one is burning SD at the stake.

 

Look...HE made the decision to give us the play by play about his newfound relationship. If he doesn't want us to nitpick every little detail, then he can just keep it to himself. This IS loveshack (where overthinking is the only thinking) in case you've forgotten.

 

For the record, I have no problem with SD giving us details. But, he's gonna have to get used to getting picked apart if he chooses to do so.

 

SD has offered details but at the end of the day has done what he wants.

 

SD is not the LS members EMAILING OTHER MEMBERS about HIS dates. So, the details are clearly welcome...maybe for nefarious reasons, I don't know.

 

Personally I see nothing wrong with sharing details of what happened. I do see something wrong with reading a paragraph of text and latching onto 3 words in it to prove a point and paint a picture.