The continuing adventures of some amazing dude.

[tbf]

Agreed and something I was just going to talk about.

 

I'm always harping on being yourself and that people can't change. I guess it's time I started listening to myself.

 

I still think that overthinking and wanting "guarantees" in life will "limit" your experiences, but I guess it is the "safer" way.

Yeah, different personality types. Your two types couldn't be anymore different (no sarcasm intended).

[somedude81]

I'm speaking from what the man has given us. I'm not projecting or looking into it as some others are doing.

 

What he has told us is that he is taking things slow, not expecting too much, and seeing where this thing takes him. He is not saying things like "she's the one you guys," or anything else that would show he is falling too fast, too soon, as tends to be the case with people who lack experience. He is also not saying things like "I just want to have sex with her and see what happens."

 

He is not harping on the sex thing--at least not to the extreme people are making it seem.

 

He wants to sleep with her, yes, but he's not planning on running out to bang other girls as soon as he does. He is taking things slow and seems overall appreciative to be in the position he is in. He is not taking it for granted.

 

There is a reason he is liking every post I make in this thread.

 

What experience do I speak from you ask me--I speak from his experience.

 

I was in the same situation he was at a time. That's why. He knows where I'm coming from.

 

He can take advice from happily married people or he can take advice from a former struggling man who turned things around.

 

He relates to me, as I to him.

I'm liking your posts because they are logical and you know that I'm trying to keep a level head. A lot of your posts mesh with what I'm doing.

 

And yeah, you have the experience.

It sounds like sd is taking his recent good luck as indication of what the rest of his life will be like.

However this is real life - it's one thing to be confident but egotistical is a next.

Excuse me?! How am I being egotistical?

 

Something about what is happening between me and this girl is obviously bothering you. Please explain what it is.

 

Which some here can relate to.

He isn't being realistic - he is putting the horse before the carriage and treating this girl as a notch rather than someone he is interested in.

How am I not being realistic, putting the horse before the cart?

 

I am certainly not treating her as a notch.

 

Why are you being so rude?

somedude is the type of guy who doesn't like anything unexpected. Impulsivity and go with the flow isn't his style where he prefers a set pace to life with as many constants and guarantees as possible, although if something isn't guaranteed, he prefers to have already considered the probabilities. This is his comfort zone.

I don't have a clue what you are even talking about.

 

Dating a girl is extremely far out of my comfort zone.

In no way I'm I saying that sd should be any more attached to this girl in the situation.

I agree he sounds pretty level headed.

 

However he is letting his fear, that same fear you have, allow him to predetermine the outcome of this situation at points.

Can you go into more detail about what you're talking about?

 

The only thing that I'm saying is that there is a good chance this relationship will end in the next few months because one or both of us may end up moving out of the area.

[tbf]

Dating a girl is extremely far out of my comfort zone.

Exactly my point. The reason why you're reaching out is a combination of biological imperative and the human need for intimacy and social contact, trumping your need for your comfort zone of safety.

 

Without the first two driving your needs, tell me you wouldn't prefer to have a completely predictable life that's based on a patterned concept of slow and steady "success". Tell me you don't enjoy control, conclusiveness and predictability in your life.

[somedude81]

Exactly my point. The reason why you're reaching out is a combination of biological imperative and the human need for intimacy and social contact, trumping your need for your comfort zone of safety.

 

Without the first two driving your needs, tell me you wouldn't prefer to have a completely predictable life that's based on a patterned concept of slow and steady "success". Tell me you don't enjoy control, conclusiveness and predictability in your life.

No, I don't want a completely predictable, patterned life and have no idea how you came to that conclusion; except for the general point that humans prefer to have stability in their lives.

[tbf]

No, I don't want a completely predictable, patterned life and have no idea how you came to that conclusion; except for the general point that humans prefer to have stability in their lives.

Okay, if that's really the case (which I'm personally not convinced of), then KungFuJoe's advice stands. Learn to live more in the moment.

[SmileFace]

Don't flatter yourself.

Or disrespectful me.

 

Whichever works

I wasn't calling "you" egotistical.

[somedude81]

Okay, if that's really the case (which I'm personally not convinced of), then KungFuJoe's advice stands. Learn to live more in the moment.

I am living in the moment!

 

What are you even talking about?!

[MrCastle]

I will try to answer in detail but this thread is not about me. After this post I will only focus on sd and I hope other members do the same

 

Just because sd agrees with you doesn't make you right.

It doesn't make you wrong either but it proves nothing.[/Quote]

 

This isn't right or wrong. The question was "what experience can you speak from?"

 

I'm speaking from the experience of a struggling man climbing his way out of the hole. Which is where he is right now.

 

If this was about the inner workings of a relationship, maybe my answers would differ, or maybe I wouldn't answer at all.

 

But where he's at is the beginning stages. A guy that has been struggling for so long that he now has had something good come his way and he is trying to make sure he doesn't blow it by trying to push things too far, or messing it up through some other means. He is being very cautious and delicate and as a guy who was him--I can understand why.

 

These claims that he doesn't care for the girl or that he only wants her for sex are unfounded. What I am seeing is a grown man trying to navigate how to make things work. How to enjoy the ride while never getting too high or too low. How to make sure her needs are being met and she is being treated the right way. I see a considerate man trying to get this right for both of them.

 

 

Falling and falling too hard for someone is two completely separate things.

However you seem to have experienced too hard in your pre"confident" days so you can't really touch on anything else.[/Quote]

 

They are in fact separate things. But I would venture to say if you were in the desert for days, and someone offered you a jug of water--initial reaction would be to down the whole jug right then and there. Instead of rationing the jug as you go along because you don't know when your next jug will come.

 

In his case, I think it's better he plays it soft at first, as opposed to falling for her, only to have her say something like "I need space" or, "I don't want a serious relationship" -- or some other crushing blow that will set his progress back. I think he is emotionally prepared for what's ahead of him. As prepared as he can be.

 

However he is letting his fear, that same fear you have, allow him to predetermine the outcome of this situation at points.

Which isn't bad when you want to protect yourself from being hurt but it also may make you pull from someone rather than fall for them. [/Quote]

 

My "fear" is committing to the wrong person. Falling for the wrong person. Every human being has this fear. I agree that sometimes you need to forget that and take the plunge, but that's not a good idea given how slow things are progressing right now. They have been on a few dates. The rest is text. I don't think it would be wise for him to say "f*** it! i love you!"

 

He needs to play it cool, as he has been.

 

Something I do in perspective relationships as well and it is not a good thing.

 

Castle what have you turned around??

What do you have to show for your "turn around"?

 

Does sd want that?

 

This is where him and I tend to veer off. I right now, prefer multi dating. He has said, even before this, he just wants one solid girl he can connect with. He seems to have found that.

 

What did I turn around? My success rate. My knowledge of and attitude towards dating and love in general. What can I show you? A smiling face

[somedude81]

Don't flatter yourself.

Or disrespectful me.

 

Whichever works

I wasn't calling "you" egotistical.

 

All of your posts towards me have been disrespectful for reasons I have no idea why.

 

Maybe you could stop posting here?

[SmileFace]

I wasn't calling you egotistical.

However I will explain more of what you asked once I get to a computer

[tbf]

I am living in the moment!

 

What are you even talking about?!

While I'm glad you've stepped out of your comfort zone, you're so not living in the moment. And with that, time for me to depart your thread since you don't really see yourself very clearly and really don't want to. Good luck!

[SmileFace]

All of your posts towards me have been disrespectful for reasons I have no idea why.

 

Maybe you could stop posting here?

 

Don't have to tell me twice

All the best

[mesmerized]

I don't get why people are so hard on SD. Yes, he is treating her as a notch and wants to get some experience but I highly doubt this girl is falling deeply in love with him either. If SD was actually good with women, I would warn him to not play her but I just can't imagine this being the case here. She actually had relationships before, she probably knows a thing or two more than SD and can protect herself here.

 

I do however agree with smileface that SD shouldn't take this as how the rest of his life is gonna be like. If it took you this long to get an attractive woman interested in you, you're not gonna become the ladies boy right after her for sure.

[Imajerk17]

C'mon mesmerized, if people didn't read way too much into things this wouldn't be Loveshack.

[somedude81]

I don't get why people are so hard on SD. Yes, he is treating her as a notch and wants to get some experience but I highly doubt this girl is falling deeply in love with him either. If SD was actually good with women, I would warn him to not play her but I just can't imagine this being the case here. She actually had relationships before, she probably knows a thing or two more than SD and can protect herself here.

 

I do however agree with smileface that SD shouldn't take this as how the rest of his life is gonna be like. If it took you this long to get an attractive woman interested in you, you're not gonna become the ladies boy right after her for sure.

Heh, if I knew how to play her, I'm sure I would have had sex with her by now.

 

She definitely has more experience in relationships than I have, which she knows. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if she was playing me

 

I really don't think I'm using her at all. I'm dating a girl that I like physically and mentally. Eventually we are going to have sex and I want to hold on to her for as long as I can. In order to do that I have to make sure she is happy and having a good time. If I have fun and get experience at the same time, that's great.

 

No I don't expect to be a player right after we break up, but it will be a damn shame if I didn't learn anything from this experience.

[veggirl]

I think it's smart to realize that there is a very big possibility of there being an early expiration date on this relationship. If I was just starting to date a guy and there was a high possibility one or both of us would be moving in a few months, hell yeah I'd recognize that! Why stick your head in the sand about something like that? It's not pessimistic to acknowledge a very real possibility--it's smart. As far as "planning" -- who cares? I also tread carefully at first, it's served me better than blindly jumping in so it's all good (for me).

 

I think people are spending too much time analyzing and being almost...insulting...because SD has his own approach to this. It is working for him, maybe being impulsive and crazy romantic and blind works for other people but if it doesn't for him, who cares?

 

Sounds like so far so good, I don't see how anyone can argue with that. The girl seems happy, SD is obviously happy...what's the problem? people will look for anything to be bothered by!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think SD is handling himself well. He is not getting too emotionally invested, yet he also seems to really like the girl and is sincere about building a relationship.

 

Sure, he wants sex but I don't see him dumping her after sex or deceiving her in any way...

[Els]

Eeeesh. Way too much analyzing for a R still in dating phase that both parties seem to be mostly happy about, honest about, and aren't hurting one another. How will it hurt anyone for SD to just go with it and enjoy it, so long as he continues being honest with her? I don't think SD has said to this girl that he intends to marry her and live happily ever after, and I don't think she even wants that at that age. They're just having the typical college R. Don't see anything wrong with that - if anything, many of us have fond memories of those, even if they didn't work out eventually. I know I did.

[miss_jaclynrae]

For me, the reason why this thread rubs me the wrong way is because I sense a huge lack of maturity. That one mention of "boobies" and all I could picture was a thirteen year old boy.

 

I get you are inexperienced, but emphasis you put on where your relationship is progressing sexually is mind boggling to me. To each their own though, I just really hope this doesn't turn into a sexual conquest where once you get what you have been yearning for, you decide to move on I the next conquest since you yourself have stated you see no true future with her.

[fortyninethousand322]

For me, the reason why this thread rubs me the wrong way is because I sense a huge lack of maturity. That one mention of "boobies" and all I could picture was a thirteen year old boy.

 

I get you are inexperienced, but emphasis you put on where your relationship is progressing sexually is mind boggling to me. To each their own though, I just really hope this doesn't turn into a sexual conquest where once you get what you have been yearning for, you decide to move on I the next conquest since you yourself have stated you see no true future with her.

 

Well, you try being in SD's shoes (or any of the other older inexperienced folks' shoes) and be mature about it. Harder than it looks. Not everyone can be a

.

 

I now for a fact the first time I ever kiss a girl I'm probably going to be like a 13 year old boy. Just the way it is.

 

SD's handling it well it sounds like. I'm sure he'll be fine...

[Els]

For me, the reason why this thread rubs me the wrong way is because I sense a huge lack of maturity. That one mention of "boobies" and all I could picture was a thirteen year old boy.

 

I think this has been brought up multiple times in this forum, to the extent that even SD himself admits that he isn't exactly the most mature dude for his age. I've certainly told him that myself straight-out.

 

The difference in this thread, though, is that SD has actually shown progress. He's making effort, putting himself out there, and has gone on dates with a girl whom he actually likes, so that's huge progress for him. He's also being honest with her and doing right by her the best way he knows how, or so it seems to me.

 

So yeah, I think everyone, even those supporting SD, knows that he has flaws, but what's the point of bringing that up in a victory thread that's demonstrating progress? I mean, you don't like people bringing up your character or general relationship dynamics in your happy threads. Quite understandably so. Perhaps you might refrain from doing so to others?

[ThaWholigan]

For me, the reason why this thread rubs me the wrong way is because I sense a huge lack of maturity. That one mention of "boobies" and all I could picture was a thirteen year old boy.

 

I get you are inexperienced, but emphasis you put on where your relationship is progressing sexually is mind boggling to me. To each their own though, I just really hope this doesn't turn into a sexual conquest where once you get what you have been yearning for, you decide to move on I the next conquest since you yourself have stated you see no true future with her.

Well, with all due respect, if it's mind boggling, then you kinda don't get it. Dude is in a completely new situation - he does not know really what he's doing. I've been there as recently as last year. Perhaps I was more relaxed in general because I practiced myself to be so. SD is not like me, so inevitably he's gotten older and it has become a steep hill. The emphasis on sex is merely coincidental in my observations and not indicative of his possible motives after any possible event between him and this girl. I actually feel a little bit sorry for him that this has become a talking point - almost a "damned if you do" situation.

 

I think he's doing fine, he's demonstrated more self-awareness than he ever has on this forum to date. OK, he's not quite there yet but he's made progress. At some point he will reach a new level of understanding - but he has to keep going and doing what he's doing. My only worry is his mindset if this doesn't work out, but I'm hoping that he will maintain his current level of being and continue to push on.

 

As for the details with which he has explained things, I think it's a little bit OTT and I remember when I posted about losing my virginity - sometimes I read it back and I cringe a little at how I conducted myself while posting but yet it was largely a thread free of criticism toward myself. I wish the same for Somedude, in what should be a thread where we should be encouraging him rather than looking for things to get at him about.

[somedude81]

For me, the reason why this thread rubs me the wrong way is because I sense a huge lack of maturity. That one mention of "boobies" and all I could picture was a thirteen year old boy.

 

I get you are inexperienced, but emphasis you put on where your relationship is progressing sexually is mind boggling to me. To each their own though, I just really hope this doesn't turn into a sexual conquest where once you get what you have been yearning for, you decide to move on I the next conquest since you yourself have stated you see no true future with her.

Last time I checked, I'm not in a relationship with you, so why does it bother you how mature I present myself to be?

 

If me saying "boobies" offends you, then maybe you are a little too hard up.

 

Yeah I like to play and joke around.

 

As for the sexual aspect, try to realize that I have never actually had sex with a girl I liked, in my entire life. This is something I've wanted since I was 16, and now it's finally happening at 31. So I'm sorry if I come across a little obsessed about sleeping with her. Right now having sex with her is the only thing I'm worried about, because everything else is working so far.

 

I've never understood the idea of moving from one conquest to the next. I want to stay with her for as long as I possibly can. It makes no sense to dump her after I sleep with her once, and then go an undetermined amount of time trying to find a new girl to have sex with. And no, I won't cheat.

[carhill]

One suggestion: Since you 'want to stay with her for as long as I possibly can', please consider carefully any details you share here regarding sexual/intimate encounters with the young lady. That's between you and she.

 

Congratulations on your successes so far. I hope it's a period you'll look back upon with positive memories of change.

[clia]

I hope so.

 

I strongly hinted that something would be nice and much appreciated, but she just wasn't into it.

 

Yeah, I agree that there should be some progress next time even if she doesn't want to go all the way.

 

Just be careful. This sounds a lot like pressure, and you could end up pushing her away rather than making her want to have sex with you. Being pressured can be a huge turn off to some women, when you might be better off allowing her to take the lead on when the sex is going to happen. She may like it better and feel more comfortable if she feels like she is in control of when it happens, as opposed to feeling like she has to do it to keep you interested.