The continuing adventures of some amazing dude.

[somedude81]

There's a name for a lot of those type people: parents.

I have condoms.

 

And I even think she said that when she gets on the pill she still wants to keep using condoms.

Whatever happened to THIS way of thinking SD -

 

I really hate to say this SD, but if you are already starting to resent her and her wishes etc, then I honestly don't think this is going to work out, because it seems to me like you're just not compatible.

 

You can't build a healthy, strong loving relationship around such resentment and distrust. And as you've already admitted getting frustrated with her and being distrustful of her (thinking she has all the power) then it doesn't look good for you.

 

If you are the kind of guy that can't just cuddle, that can't just snuggle up to someone and feel close to them and that is what she is wanting right now, then it seems likely you're just not a good match.

 

If you don't want to wait for sex in a relationship that is fine, and if you're a very sexual person and she's not, that's also fine.

 

This is just what she wants right now, to build a solid foundation for this relationship, to base it on closeness and not immediately sex. And if you distrust her views about that, or simply just disagree with those views and feel its not for you, then this relationship looks set to become a very rocky one.

 

 

I suggest you do some serious thinking as to whether this is what you truly want or not, because it sounds to me like she is not a good match for you, and that the resentment you're building for her will one day spew out of you, and hurt the both of you a lot.

Wow, you sure jump around to extremes.

 

Resentment, distrust? Where do you get these ideas?

 

Yes it's frustrating to get so close to sex and then just stop. And then trying to fall asleep while she's pressed against me.

 

To me, I'm getting the impression that she's deciding how the relationship with me is going to go because of what happened with her ex.

 

As for what I said about power, I meant that she is basically making all the decisions and I also feel that she could stop this at any point and just walk away. A part of me is afraid that I might not see her again.

Texting every night for an hour or two is a GOOD sign.

 

A very good sign.

 

Enjoy this, realise most first relationships do not work out, but enjoy the ride!

 

 

 

 

 

That's a bit full on.

 

I mean, most people just date and see hot things go...

 

I guess you're not most people:laugh:

 

That's not a bad thing:)

 

But no, not many couples, in this day and age, talk about getting pregnant before having sex.

That's what I assumed.

 

I'm smart enough to use condoms, beyond that I don't want to think about what if. I didn't want to have that talk with her so soon.

 

I'm also annoyed she gave me some arbitrary length of time she wants to wait because of what happened with her ex. Though she'll probably forget about that part.

 

You sound like you are the types of people who get carries away and like talking a lot to the people you date! I am actually like this myself.

I think it's just her.

 

Yeah, I like to talking to her, but I don't need to do it for hours every night. And we still have a long time till she gets back.

Just out of curiousity, do you know if her ex was close to your age, or closer to her own? I'm thinking that yes, most college guys in their early 20s wouldn't be amenable to such things (cuddling without sex, considering the possibility of pregnancy, etc), because they'd be more, well, impatient and immature. Perhaps the older guy thing is her way of trying to get someone more compatible with her way of thinking. Which could be a good thing. Trust me, a young girl who has sex without considering the possibility of pregnancy is a one-way ticket to child-supportville...

Her ex is a couple of yeas older than her and several years younger than me.

 

There isn't an older guy thing.

 

From what I understand her relationship had gone toxic for the last year and she was considering ending it for a while. Then she meets me, starts to like me in class and soon after that ends it with her ex. I don't think she ended with with her ex because she wanted to date me, but I may have had some impact. She had no idea how old I was till at the end of date one. And yes she did have sex with her ex if you were thinking that they hadn't.

 

As for "child-supportville" that's a really goofy thing to bring up. Having a kid changes anything and it's foolish to tell a woman that I'd love her forever and never leave her if an unplanned pregnancy happens. I'm not going to lie to her, yet I'm sure many men would.

[Els]

 

From what I understand her relationship had gone toxic for the last year and she was considering ending it for a while. Then she meets me, starts to like me in class and soon after that ends it with her ex. I don't think she ended with with her ex because she wanted to date me, but I may have had some impact. She had no idea how old I was till at the end of date one. And yes she did have sex with her ex if you were thinking that they hadn't.

 

Not just about the sex - the method in which she handles her relationships seems unlike the average 20 year old, hence why I think she was looking for someone similar to her.

 

As for "child-supportville" that's a really goofy thing to bring up. Having a kid changes anything and it's foolish to tell a woman that I'd love her forever and never leave her if an unplanned pregnancy happens. I'm not going to lie to her, yet I'm sure many men would.

 

Was that what the pregnancy talk was about? I was assuming you were both talking about the feasibility of raising a child vs individual perception of abortion, etc.

 

You're right that having a kid changes everything. General stances are good to know, though. If she was bringing up pregnancy in a 'you'll never leave me if I get pregnant, right???' context, that does sound over-the-top and worrisome.

 

At any rate, I'm glad for you that you're having to work through these issues. No, I don't mean that in a sadistic manner. Now that you've broken through from the 'searching' stage to the 'dating' stage, you'll find that new sets of problems might arise. Learning the skills to successfully navigate (or avoid) these takes experience and time, which is what you're getting now. No matter how this turns out, you're a winner already.

[KathyM]

I'm impressed with this girl who is only 20 and is being so responsible as to want you to get tested and wait for sex. She wants an actual relationship that is not about sex, but about building a bond over time. I would suggest having the test done and then back off from all the discussions about sex. She will feel like there is too much pressure and that your relationship is becoming too focused on sex if your conversations revolve around that topic.

[Eclypse]

To quote Pulp Fiction: "Lets not start sucking each others d**ks yet". You've broken the ice, which is great but please don't get too far ahead of yourself. Despite what Hollywood will tell you, not every couple does it right away in the relationship. My relationship personally it took about 2 months and several home visits before we had sex. No rush man. If she's not comfortable having sex yet you should respect that. She did just jump from a relationship too.

 

It's good to air out issues before you have sex too. Remember even foolproof BC can fail. My girlfriend and I discussed out views on abortion early on. Believe me you want to do this before, not after a pregnancy! Don't view this stuff as a power game. Let her know what you want to

 

Good luck. And to quote Hokie... Don't **** it up!

[somedude81]

Not just about the sex - the method in which she handles her relationships seems unlike the average 20 year old, hence why I think she was looking for someone similar to her.

Yeah she does seem to be more mature than the average 20 year old girl. Or it be that's she's very paranoid.

 

 

 

Was that what the pregnancy talk was about? I was assuming you were both talking about the feasibility of raising a child vs individual perception of abortion, etc.

 

If she was bringing up pregnancy in a 'you'll never leave me if I get pregnant, right???' context, that does sound over-the-top and worrisome.

 

No, she wanted to know what I would do if she gets pregnant because she is completely against abortion.

 

Thankfully she's mature enough to not expect me to marry her if that happens.

 

But yeah, the conversation was very worrisome and the fact that we were having it so soon was very odd to me. Modern birth control is very effective and it was almost as if she expected to still get pregnant.

 

I would just prefer we take all the precautions, have sex and just not talk about what if. Frankly because my answer now could be completely different than what I would say five months from now, and even then, hearing news that she's pregnant might put me in shock. There just isn't any point in talking about it.

 

 

At any rate, I'm glad for you that you're having to work through these issues. No, I don't mean that in a sadistic manner. Now that you've broken through from the 'searching' stage to the 'dating' stage, you'll find that new sets of problems might arise. Learning the skills to successfully navigate (or avoid) these takes experience and time, which is what you're getting now. No matter how this turns out, you're a winner already.

Hah, avoid these issues.

 

Yeah I'm getting experience.

 

But it doesn't feel real quite yet.

[Els]

Yeah she does seem to be more mature than the average 20 year old girl. Or it be that's she's very paranoid.

 

No, she wanted to know what I would do if she gets pregnant because she is completely against abortion.

 

Thankfully she's mature enough to not expect me to marry her if that happens.

 

But yeah, the conversation was very worrisome and the fact that we were having it so soon was very odd to me. Modern birth control is very effective and it was almost as if she expected to still get pregnant.

 

I would just prefer we take all the precautions, have sex and just not talk about what if. Frankly because my answer now could be completely different than what I would say five months from now, and even then, hearing news that she's pregnant might put me in shock. There just isn't any point in talking about it.

 

This is understandable. However, from observation, far too many people's lives get screwed over by not considering the 'what ifs'.

 

Modern contraception is reasonably effective with perfect use, but still not failsafe, and perfect use is quite difficult to attain. Just glancing over the posts here, probably 50% of the women on LS have had a pregnancy scare at one time or another - and that's a conservative estimate. It's good that she's demonstrating that she takes pregnancy very seriously (although she may be going about it quite the wrong way), because it means that she'll be very diligent with birth control, etc.

 

It is definitely odd to have the talk during such an early phase - which is why it boggles me how people HAVE sex during such an early phase. I have suggestions on how to explore sexuality with each other without all the pregnancy issues, but I don't think you're going to like them.

 

So, what do you plan on doing? You can still tell her that you don't feel comfortable getting the blue balls by sleeping over and not having anything happen, though you will have to find a way to phrase it that doesn't sound like you're just trying to get her into bed. Also, you now know that she is COMPLETELY against abortion, so if you do get her pregnant, your life will be irreversibly changed.

 

So, in lieu of that, how ready do you feel, to have sex? And I'm not just talking about condoms.

[somedude81]

I'm impressed with this girl who is only 20 and is being so responsible as to want you to get tested and wait for sex. She wants an actual relationship that is not about sex, but about building a bond over time. I would suggest having the test done and then back off from all the discussions about sex. She will feel like there is too much pressure and that your relationship is becoming too focused on sex if your conversations revolve around that topic.

I'm planning on getting tested next week. That way I can show her the results and she can feel comfortable not having to worry about that any longer and just be able to relax and let things happen.

 

As for the sex conversations, it actually seems that she is the one who brings them up.

 

I'm pretty sure that she does want to have sex with me, but she's worrying about the details. Once she can relax, it will happen.

[Eclypse]

Is she being tested also? Neither of you are virgins.

[xxoo]

My husband and I had the "what if I get pregnant?" talk before intercourse.

 

But we'd had lots of other sex before then. It makes perfect sense to me to reserve intercourse for relationships in which a pregnancy wouldn't be a disaster, but there are lots of fun things to do in the meantime!

[ThaWholigan]

SD - remember what I said about frustration. That level of tension is normal at this stage and your best bet is to try and get comfortable with it. If you feel like she's got all the power, its because you're giving it all to her (hah, no pun intended). Become comfy with the frustration and don't marinade on the sex aspect and things will feel a lot smoother.

 

Tension is a large part of the process.

[sweetjasmine]

To me, I'm getting the impression that she's deciding how the relationship with me is going to go because of what happened with her ex.

 

As for what I said about power, I meant that she is basically making all the decisions and I also feel that she could stop this at any point and just walk away. A part of me is afraid that I might not see her again.

 

She isn't making all of the decisions. She's making a decision about her own body. You're free to make your own decisions about your body. You could stop it at any point and walk away if you're unhappy, if your needs aren't being met, or if you find you're just not compatible with each other. She only has whatever power you give her.

 

Don't pin all this on her. She has the right to do whatever she feels comfortable with. And so do you.

 

As for The Talk, I think my H and I discussed it early on. I'm pretty sure it was before we had sex, but I could be wrong. If not before, then very soon after. It wasn't odd at all. I think everyone should be discussing the what-ifs.

[FitChick]

Why does it have to be nothing or full on intercourse? Give each other erotic massages with happy endings (manual or oral). Watch erotic massage videos together. It will make you both better lovers.

[eastcoastgirl88]

If she is totally against abortion it's better she told you upfront NOW. Agree with the poster who said she could've brought it up in a more tactful way, but trust me, when someone is THAT adamant about something as serious as abortion, you want to know.

 

I would suggest NOT having sex with her unless you are emotionally and financially ready to have a child. There is always the chance that BC fails...

[Star Gazer]

I'm impressed with this girl who is only 20 and is being so responsible as to want you to get tested and wait for sex. She wants an actual relationship that is not about sex, but about building a bond over time.

 

I agree.

 

It also sounds like SD is a completely different place. He doesn't sound like he cares about building a relationship with her at all. The only thing he seems to care about is getting to sex.

[ThaWholigan]

I agree.

 

It also sounds like SD is a completely different place. He doesn't sound like he cares about building a relationship with her at all. The only thing he seems to care about is getting to sex.

 

I think he does care - a little too much maybe.

 

In defense of Somedude, I find that a lot of guys sometimes subscribe to the mindset that if the sex isn't happening then there's no chance of anything let alone a relationship. And I also find that some women tend to feel that this is analogous to "only wanting sex". An understandable assumption to make on both sides in my opinion (well look at me, sitting pretty on my fence ).

 

In light of him coming across that way to us AND her, I think that he should learn to love the waiting

[KungFuJoe]

Let's also keep in mind that while SD is 31, in terms of relationship experience, he actually has LESS than the 20 year old he is dating.

 

Let's all think back to when we were in our late teens/early 20s and tell me just how mature, responsible, caring, etc you were?

 

I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18...and then promptly had my first sex with the same girl a little over a week later. Did I love her? No...I even told her as much. I just wanted to have as much sex as humanly possible (and we did). Of course, I grew to love her, but the point being is that I know how I felt at 18...imagine how SD feels at 31.

 

Sex really does cloud your senses...big time. It's true even for people who get it on the regular. Imagine how much space its occupying in SD's brain.

 

I'm actually impressed he's shown this much poise so far.

[tbf]

This girl is a smart cookie since even with birth control, pregnancy can happen.

 

6.5 months into our engagement, while using the BC patch, we got pregnant. While I wasn't looking to have children so soon but was excited once it happened, he was a dancing fool over it.

 

The least risky form of birth control is if you wear a condom AND she uses some form of birth control. Even then, there's still a minute possibility of pregnancy.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Let's also keep in mind that while SD is 31, in terms of relationship experience, he actually has LESS than the 20 year old he is dating.

Let's all think back to when we were in our late teens/early 20s and tell me just how mature, responsible, caring, etc you were?

 

I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 18...and then promptly had my first sex with the same girl a little over a week later. Did I love her? No...I even told her as much. I just wanted to have as much sex as humanly possible (and we did). Of course, I grew to love her, but the point being is that I know how I felt at 18...imagine how SD feels at 31.

 

Sex really does cloud your senses...big time. It's true even for people who get it on the regular. Imagine how much space its occupying in SD's brain.

 

I'm actually impressed he's shown this much poise so far.

 

Interesting point.

 

But I think that a 30 year old man who hasn't dated any women would have a similar level of maturity to a 30 year old man who has dated women. They wouldn't know what to do in certain 'relationship' circumstances, like how to treat women, but those are largely petty in my mind anyway. But they would be mature in terms of not saying stupid things, not getting too stupid drunk, not saying racist stuff, etc.

 

The few women I've dated have actually all been in their 30s. And it wasn't like they were dating a little boy. I just happened to not have had success with women. But I had 12+ years of adult interaction under my belt.

 

I don't think he thinks like an 18 year old.

[KungFuJoe]

Interesting point.

 

But I think that a 30 year old man who hasn't dated any women would have a similar level of maturity to a 30 year old man who has dated women. They wouldn't know what to do in certain 'relationship' circumstances, like how to treat women, but those are largely petty in my mind anyway. But they would be mature in terms of not saying stupid things, not getting too stupid drunk, not saying racist stuff, etc.

 

The few women I've dated have actually all been in their 30s. And it wasn't like they were dating a little boy. I just happened to not have had success with women. But I had 12+ years of adult interaction under my belt.

 

I don't think he thinks like an 18 year old.

 

Well...yeah, I agree...and he is handling it like a 30 year old...but you still can't blame him for being overly preoccupied by sex.

[Star Gazer]

Well...yeah, I agree...and he is handling it like a 30 year old...but you still can't blame him for being overly preoccupied by sex.

 

I sure can. I haven't seen one post from him about how much he likes her as a person, and how he wants to build a relationship with her. It's all about the sex.

[SJC2008]

SD I'm not crazy about her saying "What if I get pregneant?". What if her ex got her preggers? She's either wiser than 99.99% of women her age or she doesn't want to have sex this soon.And when I say soon I don't mean soon into this courtship. I mean it as in she's not ready because of her breakup. This is why I don't like rebound situations. She's getting the attention she wants and what are you getting?

 

It's early on so my advice is to not rush the sex and keep your head in a swivel. You say she likes you say she may not view you as a rebound. Try not to get invested too early.

[somedude81]

I sure can. I haven't seen one post from him about how much he likes her as a person,

I've actually said that already in several posts scattered across various threads.

and how he wants to build a relationship with her.

I see that as something that will just happen. Meaning I don't have to do anything to build a relationship. We talk, spend time together, do things we enjoy and it just happens.

It's all about the sex.

Sex isn't like that at all. It's something I have to actually move towards or it won't happen.

 

I'm sorry for being human and wanting to have sex.

 

Sex is also what separates a relationship from a friendship. Aside from some too brief moments of affection it feels like a friendship were we just talk to each other a lot.

 

I've been close friends to a lot of girls where nothing ever happened between and so far this doesn't feel that different. It may also be a reason why I'm not falling for her yet because some part of me worries that it will fall apart and end before it becomes a real relationship.

[somedude81]

She isn't making all of the decisions. She's making a decision about her own body. You're free to make your own decisions about your body. You could stop it at any point and walk away if you're unhappy, if your needs aren't being met, or if you find you're just not compatible with each other. She only has whatever power you give her.

 

Don't pin all this on her. She has the right to do whatever she feels comfortable with. And so do you.

 

As for The Talk, I think my H and I discussed it early on. I'm pretty sure it was before we had sex, but I could be wrong. If not before, then very soon after. It wasn't odd at all. I think everyone should be discussing the what-ifs.

No, I can't really just get up and walk away. I've been waiting way too long for this. At this point, I feel that it might take another five years to find somebody that likes me. At this point I'm not even sure that she liked me for me, or just because she was looking for somebody that wasn't her ex. I have a feeling that if I met her while she was single, she would have friendzoned me.

Why does it have to be nothing or full on intercourse? Give each other erotic massages with happy endings (manual or oral). Watch erotic massage videos together. It will make you both better lovers.

We really haven't talked about the other things we could do yet.

 

If she would be fine with the non sex happy endings then it would make things more bearable for me. Especially if she wants to spend the night.

 

I'm not sure if that is something we should talk about first or just see what happens. How do I bring up that I want to give and receive oral and would be fine stopping there?

[eastcoastgirl88]

No, I can't really just get up and walk away. I've been waiting way too long for this. At this point, I feel that it might take another five years to find somebody that likes me. At this point I'm not even sure that she liked me for me, or just because she was looking for somebody that wasn't her ex. I have a feeling that if I met her while she was single, she would have friendzoned me.

 

We really haven't talked about the other things we could do yet.

 

If she would be fine with the non sex happy endings then it would make things more bearable for me. Especially if she wants to spend the night.

 

I'm not sure if that is something we should talk about first or just see what happens. How do I bring up that I want to give and receive oral and would be fine stopping there?

 

You don't. Whenever I get to that point with someone it just happens naturally. Just start slowwwwwwly removing articles of clothing. See how she reacts to you fingering her. Once all systems are go get ready for blast-off

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I've actually said that already in several posts scattered across various threads.

 

I see that as something that will just happen. Meaning I don't have to do anything to build a relationship. We talk, spend time together, do things we enjoy and it just happens.

 

Sex isn't like that at all. It's something I have to actually move towards or it won't happen.

 

I'm sorry for being human and wanting to have sex.

 

Sex is also what separates a relationship from a friendship. Aside from some too brief moments of affection it feels like a friendship were we just talk to each other a lot.

 

I've been close friends to a lot of girls where nothing ever happened between and so far this doesn't feel that different. It may also be a reason why I'm not falling for her yet because some part of me worries that it will fall apart and end before it becomes a real relationship.

 

Don't sweat her comment, SD. She's projecting her insecurities onto you.

 

Keep doing your thing and rocking it!