The continuing adventures of some amazing dude.

[Star Gazer]

I see that as something that will just happen. Meaning I don't have to do anything to build a relationship. We talk, spend time together, do things we enjoy and it just happens.

 

Sex isn't like that at all. It's something I have to actually move towards or it won't happen.

 

This is where you're wrong; you've got it backwards. You *do* have to make efforts to build a relationship.

 

And sex *is* something that should just naturally happen, not something with a deadline or something someone should be pressured for.

[JuneJulySeptember]

No, I can't really just get up and walk away. I've been waiting way too long for this. At this point, I feel that it might take another five years to find somebody that likes me.

 

Not to be negative or anything, but it might. Especially somebody that you're genuinely attracted to.

[xxoo]

Ideally, the sex and the relationship both come naturally. Neither should need to be rushed.

 

If you don't yet have a relationship, rushing sex may feel odd for her.

 

If you don't yet have sex, rushing a relationship may feel odd for you.

 

They go nicely together!

[somedude81]

Ideally, the sex and the relationship both come naturally. Neither should need to be rushed.

 

If you don't yet have a relationship, rushing sex may feel odd for her.

 

If you don't yet have sex, rushing a relationship may feel odd for you.

 

They go nicely together!

Most likely a big reason why I feel this way is because I don't know what a relationship is.

 

Are we in a relationship?

 

Why is this a relationship and what I had with other girls wasn't?

 

Another factor is that my past sexual experiences have been less than ideal. Frankly I can't remember the names of any of the women I've had sex with. That's because I've never had sex with a woman I actually liked.

 

At least with this girl that will never be an issue. I like her, I'm attracted to her, a future could be possible; and that's good enough for me.

[xxoo]

The other girls weren't a dating relationship because you didn't kiss, and they didn't take off their shirts in your bed.

 

Do you really not see the difference?

[runningfar]

Good luck!

 

 

Be careful about the details you post. I would be very annoyed if my boyfriend was posting about playing with my breasts on some internet forum. And it makes you seem hyperfocused on that aspect.

[Els]

I'm not sure if that is something we should talk about first or just see what happens. How do I bring up that I want to give and receive oral and would be fine stopping there?

 

Well, we can't tell you exactly how to phrase it - that would depend entirely on your R. A pre-rehearsed script just sounds weird. Best advice would be to make sure the conversation is light-hearted, and she doesn't feel pressured. I think she might be amenable to it, given her (appropriate, IMO) caution towards pregnancy. In your situation I think you should talk about it first, because it seems like the assumption between the two of you is that you are going to have intercourse right away, so you need to allay that. If that assumption had not been there, you could potentially just go into it.

 

I'm not going to say that you ONLY want sex with her - I believe you that you don't - but be very careful that you don't get impatient and start pushing her excessively. IMO she sounds like a very sensible and amazing girl from all I've heard about her so far. Don't ruin it out of impatience.

[somedude81]

The other girls weren't a dating relationship because you didn't kiss, and they didn't take off their shirts in your bed.

 

Do you really not see the difference?

What's funny, is that other than those things, it feels so much like a friendship.

 

Though I guess that's what being in a relationship is.

Good luck!

 

 

Be careful about the details you post. I would be very annoyed if my boyfriend was posting about playing with my breasts on some internet forum. And it makes you seem hyperfocused on that aspect.

Yeah I'm trying to be careful about what details I post and possibly having it traced back to me.

 

Unless she actually uses my computer and goes to this site, I think I'm fine.

 

Well, we can't tell you exactly how to phrase it - that would depend entirely on your R. A pre-rehearsed script just sounds weird. Best advice would be to make sure the conversation is light-hearted, and she doesn't feel pressured. I think she might be amenable to it, given her (appropriate, IMO) caution towards pregnancy. In your situation I think you should talk about it first, because it seems like the assumption between the two of you is that you are going to have intercourse right away, so you need to allay that. If that assumption had not been there, you could potentially just go into it.

Even then it sounds really awkward to bring up even if it's a joke.

 

"Hey babe, speaking of salad, you can toss mine any day."

 

I just don't see how I can make talking about it work.

 

I think as somebody else said, the best thing would be to just make out with her, start taking off her clothes and if she stops me, I can tell her that I'll stop before sex or something like that.

 

I'm not going to say that you ONLY want sex with her - I believe you that you don't - but be very careful that you don't get impatient and start pushing her excessively. IMO she sounds like a very sensible and amazing girl from all I've heard about her so far. Don't ruin it out of impatience.

I'm not pushing her at all.

 

She knows that I want to sleep with her, but I've been very laid back about it and going completely no pressure. Last time she was at my place, I was doing my thing and she told me to stop and I stopped right away. I know better than to make her feel uncomfortable.

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

 

Even then it sounds really awkward to bring up even if it's a joke.

 

"Hey babe, speaking of salad, you can toss mine any day."

 

:laugh:

 

 

I just don't see how I can make talking about it work.

 

I think as somebody else said, the best thing would be to just make out with her, start taking off her clothes and if she stops me, I can tell her that I'll stop before sex or something like that.

 

Yeah, I don't think you need a long talk about it or anything. As long as you find a way to let her know you're comfortable stopping at oral sex for now, all's good. I'm just worried that if you go into it without explaining that, she'll mistakenly assume that you're not respecting her desire to wait.

 

I'm not pushing her at all.

 

She knows that I want to sleep with her, but I've been very laid back about it and going completely no pressure. Last time she was at my place, I was doing my thing and she told me to stop and I stopped right away. I know better than to make her feel uncomfortable.

 

Sounds good. Keep it up.

I only said that because you mentioned you felt "you had to make sex happen". Doesn't usually work that way, IMO. The best way you can 'make it happen' isn't by doing so directly, but rather by making her feel sexy and desired, trying to be as sexy and desirable as possible yourself, and just being patient.

[krz12]

Damn. Wow. I love this story.

 

You are like the 2012 Lebron James.

[KungFuJoe]

Damn. Wow. I love this story.

 

You are like the 2012 Lebron James.

 

Why, is somedude a primadonna flopping female vagina?

 

somedude > LeBitch

[Phantom888]

Why do you not want her to sleep over if no sex is planned? Can't you just cuddle and be together without sex? I mean, the intimacy is intense when you have heart-to-heart talks while sharing a blanket. I understand your sex drive and how anxious you are. I am always so eager when I see my lady, that she has literally never seen me without an erection. Yet when I'm with her, I just want to hold her and fall asleep gradually while talking about stuff. Inevitably her hand always goes for the pole, and I end up jumping her or vice versa....but I would actually be just as happy holding her all night without sex.

[somedude81]

Hey this thread got bumped.

 

And just by coincidence she's coming over today.

 

She's been gone for a long time.

 

I don't expect anything, except for boobies.

[krz12]

Hey this thread got bumped.

 

And just by coincidence she's coming over today.

 

She's been gone for a long time.

 

I don't expect anything, except for boobies.

 

Yeah I spent the last hour combing through about 30 pages of posts. Sorry!

[somedude81]

Yeah I spent the last hour combing through about 30 pages of posts. Sorry!

No problem.

 

I was planning bumping it tomorrow.

 

You just beat me to the punch

[Els]

Oh, the 2 week vacation is over?

 

Have lots of fun, SD!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Why, is somedude a primadonna flopping female vagina?

 

somedude > LeBitch

 

"LeBitch" has more money though.

[MrCastle]

"LeBitch" has more money though.

 

He's also pretty good at basketball.

 

Actually, really good.

 

Like, best on the planet good.

 

But maybe SD got game.

[Phantom888]

So what happened?

[dasein]

Didn't read whole thread. Don't let them in your bed until they are ready and willing to have sex, and if they get in your bed and won't put out, go sleep on the couch or leave and don't get in bed with them again until sex is a go. Never show anger or frustration though, just be matter of fact. If you get in bed with a woman, your desires = hers, no other arrangement is acceptable. You need to train them that bed = sex from the get go, not spoon, not titty tease, sex. Those kinds of prick tease bed games are for kids, not adults. Else they will think you a mat and lose attraction in time, usually sooner than later. Getting a man to sleep and cuddle in bed without sex is a common, unfair manipulation and power/control tactic among immature women of all ages. Grown up women who are good bets don't ever do it. Don't buy into it. Good luck otherwise, sounds ok from the posts I read.

Edited June 28, 2013 by dasein

[KungFuJoe]

Didn't read whole thread. Don't let them in your bed until they are ready and willing to have sex, and if they get in your bed and won't put out, go sleep on the couch or leave and don't get in bed with them again until sex is a go. Never show anger or frustration though, just be matter of fact. If you get in bed with a woman, your desires = hers, no other arrangement is acceptable. You need to train them that bed = sex from the get go, not spoon, not titty tease, sex. Those kinds of prick tease bed games are for kids, not adults. Else they will think you a mat and lose attraction in time, usually sooner than later. Getting a man to sleep and cuddle in bed without sex is a common, unfair manipulation and power/control tactic among immature women of all ages. Grown up women who are good bets don't ever do it. Don't buy into it. Good luck otherwise, sounds ok from the posts I read.

 

LOL...the amount of amazing advice on LS never fails to impress me.

 

That was sarcasm, btw.

 

MAJOR sarcasm.

[dasein]

LOL...the amount of amazing advice on LS never fails to impress me.

 

Thanks, my advice is indeed very good, as many, many posters have affirmed over the years.

 

Aren't you one of the married folks attempting to weigh in on dating here, btw? Sorry if I have you confused with someone else.

 

Daters, ask a successful dater, not a married person, for dating advice. Your dating experiences will be much better for it, I promise.

[pteromom]

Getting a man to sleep and cuddle in bed without sex is a common, unfair manipulation and power/control tactic among immature women of all ages. Grown up women who are good bets don't ever do it.

 

 

???? It's not like they are in a LTR already and she is regularly demanding cuddling without sex. They are building a relationship and building up to sex. Cuddling comes before sex in a slowly-growing relationship.

 

SD, I would absolutely accept cuddling and spooning and keep moving slowly toward sex.

[dasein]

Guys who want to do well with women, do all your cuddling and kissing on the couch, do not get in bed and sleep over with them until they are ready and willing to have sex. Can't emphasize enough, and experienced men who are successful with women will bear me out on this. My dating success improved greatly once I adopted this simple principle years ago. If they don't want sex and you do, leave in a friendly, matter of fact way, never pouty, angry or even annoyed. "Hey, it's late, I have to go, was fun."

They have to learn that time with you is valuable, that your desires are every bit as important as theirs, and that if they want you to sleep in bed with them, they should be willing to have sex with you. Simple, plain, works.

 

Don't be an emotional tampon, a beddy bye cuddle bunny, don't be another cute stuffed animal on their bed. Be a self-respecting man and do better, I promise.

[pteromom]

Guys who want to do well with women, do all your cuddling and kissing on the couch, do not get in bed and sleep over with them until they are ready and willing to have sex. Can't emphasize enough, and experienced men who are successful with women will bear me out on this.

 

As an experienced woman, I might agree with you for ONS or FWB. But in building a relationship, creating that emotional bond is critical for a woman. The cuddling and spooning and being a "beddy bye cuddle bunny" helps her fall in love. And that's what SD wants.

 

She has already shown that she wants to move slowly, so if he refuses to get in bed with her unless she will have sex, he is basically going to be cutting off the natural growth of his relationship. That would be a bad move.