I would love honest !!

[TaraMaiden]

No. Not that different. You still had an affair - one that you are too scared to tell your H about.

 

What Tara and I and others are getting at is that if you don't do the work now, you could very easily find yourself in another affair inspite of all your protestations here

...

 

...And that you need to get your H in on the act.

 

Okay, so you refuse to tell him about the affair - your choice.

We don't agree with it, but the fact remains that you found in your OM what your H wasn't giving you.

 

You need to somehow engineer a joint plan. you need to find a way to convince your H that first of all, there is a problem, secondly, you both need to do your parts to fix it, and thirdly - he has to see it, and want it as much as you do.

 

Will this happen?

[ComingInHot]

anne, the biggest reason I've been silent on this thread is because you have written everything I would have.

I feel and understand your frustration and truly realize that there IS an "urgency" to get Betsy girl to come up w/tangible goals to better her life, M & family. Alas, no amount of leading a dying of thirst horse to water is going to make them drink...

 

After dealing w/an Infidel myself, I can clearly see that oft times the reason/s a Betrayer does Nothing to change is because that would mean having to admit what they have Truly & Sincerely done and become. For my H, he had to acknowledge he had done & become the Very thing he loathed & despised. It was the second hardest thing he has ever done. The first was seeing what He and his exOW had done To Me.

 

Betsy dear, I get it. You're going to keep this secret from your H & families forever while hoping all evidence has been deleted from your respective spouses eyes.

There are MANY other steps You Can take to make your M better. Anne named just a few*

It's bothering me a smidge that you come across as not Wanting to put forth any effort into your M going forward. That to me is the disappointing thing...

[Owl]

Anne-

 

You really should take a minute and go way back in the day and look at your old posts, my friend.

 

It's amazing how far you've come since then. To your credit, you "got it" pretty quickly back then, don't take me wrong. But it's clear that you've learned a lot.

 

Betsy, while Anne may seem dogged in her determination in trying to help you, you should keep in mind that she was in your very predicament at one point in time. She's giving you advice from her own experiences, and from what worked out in her own situation.

 

Her point is simple. You're doing NOTHING to fix the situation...NOTHING that is DIFFERENT from what you were doing before...and yet somehow you expect the end result of your marriage being better.

 

Non sequiter.

 

If you want change...you make change. You take risks. You PLAN on how to reach that new goal, after you've clearly identified and defined it to yourself...and you work that plan to completion.

 

You're doing none of this. You're passively sitting there hoping that things get better. Sorry my friend, but hope isn't a plan.

 

You came here with a request for honest advice.

 

You have been given it.

 

Now it's time to USE it. Or it's all been for naught...it was all a waste of time...yours and ours.

 

Up to you...

[anne1707]

Anne-

 

You really should take a minute and go way back in the day and look at your old posts, my friend.

 

It's amazing how far you've come since then. To your credit, you "got it" pretty quickly back then, don't take me wrong. But it's clear that you've learned a lot.

 

Thank you

 

I actually did go back and read my initial threads a couple of months or so ago. It was so strange reading those posts as my life has moved on so much since then - with the help of some really good advice from LS.

 

This thread frustrates me because I think Betsy thinks I am judging her but I am not. I do totally understand her position but I know that if she wants to change then she has to do something about it.

[The Way I Am]

I've not been on either side of an affair, so I'll leave it to the people who've been there to recommend the best way to get your marriage back on track. I think they've made some very good points and have excellent reasoning as well as their personal experience behind their recommendations.

 

What I do want to add is that, setting the affair aspect aside, just from the perspective of your relationship with this other guy, you don't sound like you're really through with him. You sound like a woman who's mad about getting jerked around and trying to convince herself that she's had enough, but you're still asking all the wrong questions for someone who's really over and through with it.

 

In my observation, the people who are really done with someone don't continue to question the motivations and activities of that person. They don't have to fight the urge to tweet/text/etc. The ones who do those things are still holding onto hope that the other person will suddenly change and want them back.

 

Side note: Deleting a person's phone number does absolutely nothing and is a completely empty gesture. Who are you trying to fool by claiming that as evidence that you're done? Do you honestly believe you can't get the number back just by looking at your phone bill? You'd have to be either an idiot or deliberately fooling yourself to buy that, and you don't seem that stupid to me.

 

I'm concerned that your inability to consider the advice of people who've been in a similar situation and your unwillingness to even consider making a single change to work on your marriage is because you secretly want the marriage to fall apart and/or you're holding onto hope that this guy will turn around, sweep you off your feet, and become the man you originally hoped he would be.

 

Do you really want your marriage or are you just "settling" for it because this guy rejected you? I know you keep saying that you want to stay married and don't want a divorce, but everything else you say runs contradictory to that. There's no shame in no longer being happy in your marriage.

[Helen A]

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.

Maybe I'm coming across wrong. I honestly 100% d

Don't want to end my marriage, we have just come back from a lovely two week holiday where we had a fantastic time, and I can't imagine my life without my little family honestly.

I didnt start this texting/etc although I did end ul falling for him. But I don't want to be with him I don't even want to go further although I did.

I feel so stupid as if he has just lied to me and messed me about for fun.

Did not even have the decency to say that it was best if we don't talk anymore and I'm sti hurt about that.

Whilst I was away I was thinking how nice it was with him off my mind no texrs etc just my family again, I really don't want him anymore but I'm still hurt and upset and just feel a bit stupid really and I have to act normal wen I see him when really at the mo I don't want to give him the time of day.

 

But really I'm not choosing my husband because he has rejected me there's no doubt he will tweet me again only this time I won't be replying coz I'm done.

[anne1707]

Yet you are still not doing anything different to actually prevent this or another affair in starting again in the future. Why is that?

[Helen A]

All I can say is Anne I'm not interested in any future affaîrs.

Believe it or not to start I wasn't interested in this one.

[anne1707]

All I can say is Anne I'm not interested in any future affaîrs.

Believe it or not to start I wasn't interested in this one.

 

But what are you actually doing to help strengthen your marriage?

[Helen A]

I'm not involving myself with somebody else anymore.

I made my decision on holidays but since I've come back I think my OM has made his too.

[anne1707]

Eh?

 

So basically you are doing absolutely nothing different. I could almost believe you are a troll for being this obstinate.

[TaraMaiden]

That's because she seems to firmly believe there's nothing she needs to do.

She's a bit like the enchanted princess...

"Oooh, how lovely it is to be with my family! Such love! Such togetherness! Such happiness! We're such a wonderful cosy unit!"

 

She believes that now this EA is over, everything will be better than before, everything will be fine and improve, all on it's wonderful, magical own!

 

Her husband will miraculously start being super-hubby, and she will fall in love with him, all over again, just like it used to be....

 

Yeah.

 

 

Right.

 

 

I give it a month before she's back, telling us how her husband is still the same old same-old, he hasn't changed/improved, he's STILL as unloving, unresponsive, boring and stagnant as he ever was...

 

But - *gasp!!* how can that be??

She was so determined that everything was going to improve and become wonderful - all on its own!

 

What could possibly have gone wrong??

 

 

What indeed....?

[Helen A]

He never was unresponsive, stagnant boring or unloving. Cheeky cow.

And no I don't think I'll be back. I came on here to ask for views not for childish nasty ish comments from people because I'm not answering their questions exactly of not doing what THEY think is the best thing to do.

But thanks to those that have been helpful and nice.

[Journee]

He never was unresponsive, stagnant boring or unloving. Cheeky cow.

And no I don't think I'll be back. I came on here to ask for views not for childish nasty ish comments from people because I'm not answering their questions exactly of not doing what THEY think is the best thing to do.

But thanks to those that have been helpful and nice.

 

 

 

 

Yeesh, that's a mouthful.

 

 

 

I think folks here just want to shake some sense into you. Make you see how your perception might just be off right now.

 

Like it or not affairs aren't the most sensible choices.

 

Really though, Tara had a great point.

 

There will be no change in anything from your husband's end as he doesn't even know there is a problem. How can he make moves to help get your marriage back on track if he doesn't have all the pieces to the puzzle?

 

You may give it all you have and be left thinking "Well, he didn't do such and such. He didn't say this or that." He may very well be content and not know he needs to be aware.

 

 

Name calling is not nice . She is cheeky though

[Helen A]

No name calling is not nice but neither is what she posted .

So as she doesn't care what she gives out or how nasty it is there we are then I say.

[Helen A]

There isn't a problem with my husband. The problem is with me.

[TaraMaiden]

No.

It isn't.

Not uniquely.

 

You came on here precisely for that reason:

To ask for advice on what we think is best to do.

 

The blunt truth is that, if something isn't gelling where you are - it really ISN'T all down to you.

 

Something made you look elsewhere.

Something which manifested as patent dissatisfaction with your marriage.

 

But that would mean that something was happening - within your marriage - that wasn't fulfilling your needs.

 

Your marriage involves another person.

Your marriage is a partnership of two.

 

If you weren't putting in to that marriage - it's because your H was also not putting into it, in some way.

It's all very well you wanting to 'fix yourself' - but there's no point maintaining your side of 'the car' if your H neglects to maintain his.

 

He may have absolutely no blind clue whatsoever that his side is below par.

 

But it MUST be - or else you would have found complete fulfilment within your relationship with him.

 

If you need something from him - you need to tell him.

It's clear you DO need something - because otherwise, you wouldn't have sought to have that need fulfilled, by a third person!

 

The problem that you strayed beyond the boundaries of your marriage - IS with you.

There, you are correct.

 

But the marriage itself is a two-person thing.

And there, you and your H bear joint responsibility.

 

If you want to repair your marriage, and really make everything about it, good again, then you're going to have to get him on board.

[Helen A]

. It involved flirty texts which I didn't go seeking out, as it goes. I think it started out as enjoying attention from someone else after being with the same person for years. And went from there.

 

But I can see that he was just using me, playing me etc. I'm so glad I found this out. I'm glad I haven't slept with him.

And now it's been 8 days no contact I'm acruly starting to feel relieved and he's never going to hear from me again.

 

I think part of the problem was my husband didnt seem that interested in me for a while, as I've said before, and so the attention was nice.

We have spoken about that and he said he felt a bit stressed about his weight giving up smoking etc and now things are back as they were in that sense.

 

I'm fickle I know but I've learned my lesson.

I don't want anymore of this.

 

I have got my little girl to keep me busy so take my mind off this.

 

The NC thing is really good as is the woman who wrote baggage reclaim found it helpful.

[TaraMaiden]

Well that's COMMUNICATION.

 

Obviously, that was lacking.

 

So there's improvement right there.

 

Don't you see what we're trying to help you understand?

 

The FAULT for the Emotional Affair - was entirely yours.

YOUR problem.

You're right.

 

The RESPONSIBILITY for how your marriage was lacking/suffering - was both yours AND your husband's.

 

That's what we've been trying to get through to you.

 

It's a working partnership. You have to work TOGETHER.

 

And he cannot come up with the goods - unless you tell him - you need the goods!!

 

Like I said - he might have been blissfully unaware that he wasn't carrying his share.

He may have taken for granted that as his wife, you'd understand, accept his behaviour, put up with it, and support him.

 

But that's not fair, and it's not possible.

 

COMMUNICATION is vital.

 

Talk to him.

go out for an evening, on a date.

 

When was the last time you went out with him - to seduce him?

When was the last time he wooed you?

 

(terribly old-fashioned term, I know - but it applies, even in this day and age!)

 

When was the last time you BOTH put each other, first?

[Helen A]

We don't get that many nights out Tara we got a 3 year old.

 

And we work opposite shifts due to child care.

 

It's his birthday next month I think we need a nice meal or something out together.

 

The crazy thing is we usually do most of our nights out with this other couple !!

I think I need to take a break from that for a while.

[TaraMaiden]

..."For a while" should entail at least 6 months.....

 

You have a young child who needs constant attention (I have a 2.5yr old Grandson - I know the feeling!) and you're like ships that pass in the night....

No wonder you guys lost connection.

[Helen A]

constant attention I know.

 

I think I need to put the phone down and get on with my life.

 

I almost wrecked it didn't I.

 

How old are your children.

[Helen A]

Thanks for the advice on here ladies.

I'm still feeling angry and bitter tho with the way he had blanked me / treated me, how can I let this go?

He's on my twitter newsfeed and I'm dying to call him all the names going but I won't. I feel bad if I were to unfollow him tho how crazy is that?

Any advice on this?

[whichwayisup]

Why have you not deleted him off of your twitter? Why are you still getting his feeds?

 

You're making it harder and worse for yourself if you don't delete and block him. That goes for facebook as well. DO it. Delete and block.

[Helen A]

I just did delete it and then put it back on as I know this sounds weird but I don't want him to think that there's anything wrong and I'm bothered or anything although I am as I'm gonna have to see him as we are all friendly and now he has messaged me on watts app saying I've had a message saying you are following me on twitter. Why you've been following me ages?

It's been ten minutes I haven't replied. I'm not gonna reply. Shoud I?