TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I give up with you Betsy. You ignore the important questions, and just sail through.... Liars always get found out. Liars never 'get away with it'. Carry on, regardless, with this charade and pretence that everything will be okay now, suddenly it will all fall into place, magically, all on its own, because, "Oh! Look!! My husband is wonderful, the man of my dreams, everything I ever wanted! How marvellous!" How did that happen? Lying to others is a bad thing.... Lying to yourself, is fatal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Betsy Apart from not telling your husband about the affair. What are YOU ACTUALLY DOING to work on your marriage? Please answer this question with something more than your standard not telling, I can sort myself out stuff because that is not enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I will be willing to bet money that you will do this again because you still believe that you can cheat and get away with it. Your only reason for being here is to find out if anyone can give you some magic method of getting the affair partner interested in you again, not about saving your family or helping you get to the root of your FOO issues or the reasons to why you think you deserve this affair? What if I told you that if your husband finds out about your affair before you tell him the probability of some other woman raising your children with your husband is far greater than you and your husband doing it. I found out about my now ex's affair, she didn't think she would get caught, happens all the time. What if in an attempt to save his marriage your old boyfriend sells you out, you can't control him, desperate people do desperate things. As long as you and your affair partner have secrets from your husband there is a strong probability that your marriage will fail. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne what am I meant to be doing? We are just the same as we always have been. I don't think any different of my husband, I just fell for somebody else. Tara why did you have to do no contact? Asking out of interest clucked on the link and it's good that woman's site. Nobody else will be bringing up my little girl I won't be getting involved with anyone else and no I don't want to know how to get him back. I wanted to understand why he's acting as he is and I also wanted to try to get over it which is why I posted. I cud text him now and start up agen but I have deleted his number and I am moving on from this. But I'm still hurt . Why would people assume that I'd be cheating agen? In 17 years I've enjoyed a bit of attention and really liked someone else, admittedly the wrong person and it's all really bad, but I don't think I'm that bad as I'm being made out to be. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne what am I meant to be doing? We are just the same as we always have been. I don't think any different of my husband, I just fell for somebody else. WTF???? Doing exactly what you have always done resulted in you having an affair!!! You need to change you and your marriage. As for what you are meant to do, I have already told you this: You need to really start talking to each other. You need to find out what he wants and expects from a marriage and he needs to find out what you want and expect. You need to find better methods of communication between you. You need to find ways of dealing with problems that may occur in a healthy manner. You need to be honest with each other. And that is just for starters. I get that you are going to take the "easy" option and not tell your H. But that is not what I was referring to when I said being honest. Honesty touches every aspect of a marriage and it could not have truly been there for the affair to have started. You need to be honest with each other about what you feel and want. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 You are minimizing everything about this entire situation. You're making LESS of it than it was...to ease your own mind and conscience. You're not interested in making any change in the situation, mostly because you're convincing yourself that the situation doesn't warrant it. There isn't anything that we can say here to change your mind...the cup is already full. The advice you've been given up to this point has been from folks who have all been in your shoes, or OM's shoes, or your H's shoes. Yet you've summarily dismissed and disregarded all of it. What did you hope that we here on LS could do for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 the thing is, you won't be going NC because you are all friends. it's not about being a "bad" person. it's about right & wrong. ask yourself this- how can you look your friend in the face while you and her husband have been doing this? things are gonna have to change between ALL of you. things will never be the same. there's no "innocent" friendship to be had after you two crossed the line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 You strayed for a reason. You cannot repair what is wrong in your marriage - on your own. Your H is as responsible for the state and condition of your marriage, as you are.... Let's say you both have 50% to look after and deal with - nourish, protect, nurture, tend.... and you fulfil your 50%.... if his effort on his part amounts to 10% - you cannot make up his 40% shortfall. And he has to KNOW what's wrong, before being able to put it right. You can't improve this on your own. You have to include him. Like I said, fixing one flat tyre won't do it. You have to both contribute to bringing this back up to the point where you're both happy. Why did you come here for advice, if you're not going to follow it, anyway? Scrutinising anyone else's experience is fruitless, if you don't actually listen to what we're telling you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 I have had some good advice on here been nice to talk to people, like heating others stories . As for me maybe I'm a lost cause who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 That's the sad thing: If you'd only follow the advice you actually came on here to receive - you needn't be. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 That's the sad thing: If you'd only follow the advice you actually came on here to receive - you needn't be. All you can do is give advice, you can't make someone agree with it or take it. It is their choice, and their choice alone. Getting upset and making judgments about their choice of action on the advise should not be in the discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I was commenting on her 'lost cause' comment. A person can only be a lost cause to themselves if they know where they're going wrong and fail to address it. Me? I'm probably the last person to actually be 'upset or make judgments' about whether people choose to follow counsel or not. I just don't want to see them hurting any worse. It's concern, not critique. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I have had some good advice on here All of which you have chosen to ignore been nice to talk to people, like heating others stories . You want to hear other people's stories as a means to deflect from your story As for me maybe I'm a lost cause who knows. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. If you continue to choose the "do same as before" approach then I don't hold out much hope. But then I am not convinced that you won't go back into the affair if the MOM sends you a nice text or two. I actually also wonder whether you like the drama of it all Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, tho I am equally to blame, no I won't be going back to it, as he has been well what can I say. I just don't like the way he's treated me. And I'm not interested anymore honestly. Even if he was the nicest person on earth which he's not its not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 In that case, I ask you yet again - what are you doing to work on your marriage with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 And I'm not doing it to deflect I know what I've done. I like heating other people's stories. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 In that case, I ask you yet again - what are you doing to work on your marriage with your husband? Well? ....................... Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, chill out a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne, chill out a little bit. I have been asking Betsy this question for days now and she is yet to answer hence my frustration Now stop telling me how to post 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 well, I can see Anne's point to be frank. Anne has been to hell and back - and her H with her - to get their marriage back on track. It took enormous courage and dedication to do it. part of the obligatory work was for both of them to step up to the plate and admit, or 'own' their own contributions to the situation. I would never dare speak for Anne (like she can't do that for herself - ?!) but I can understand her urgency in wanting Betsy to also step up to the plate. because if she doesn't - this is probably doomed to the 'lather-rinse-repeat' situation. if not with this OM, possibly with another. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 Anne I've answered you. I've said I'm not doing anything we are the same as we always have been. What the hell am I supposed to work on? My husband isn't the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helen A Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 My situation isn't the same as Anne's tho Tara. We have been texting we didnt have a physical 3 year affair, slightly different Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 You're still avoiding her question, regardless of what you have/haven't done. What are you actively going to implement to actually improve the situation between you and your husband? What is your plan? How do you aim to do it, EXACTLY?? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 I feel as if I am talking to myself! I am not saying you are a bad woman or your husband is a bad man. I am not saying you don't love each other. However there must be reasons for why you had this affair and you need to deal with that. There must have been something lacking in the marriage and that needs to be dealt with. The same as you have always been resulted in you having an affair therefore you need to do things differently from now on. As for things to work on (again) honest and open communication (and yes I know you are not telling your husband about the affair but you still need to be honest with him about every other aspect of your life)finding out what he wants, how he feels, does he think you (both) could do more for your marriagefinding out what you want. feel etc - and telling him!I can promise you that if you worked at this, you could find yourself having a far happier and stronger marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 My situation isn't the same as Anne's tho Tara. We have been texting we didnt have a physical 3 year affair, slightly different No. Not that different. You still had an affair - one that you are too scared to tell your H about. What Tara and I and others are getting at is that if you don't do the work now, you could very easily find yourself in another affair inspite of all your protestations here Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts