Feeling Insecure

[Stringfellow]

Ladies and Gentlemen

 

I am asking the following question, need to know what you all think?

 

Would you want your significant other working with a person that they have had an affair with in the past that lasted for 2 yrs, and they take business trips together alone?

 

Here is the reason why I am curious, I asked her to marry me and she said yes, she left on the business trip with him and came back 2 days later to say "no" that she just said yes to amke me feel good while she was out of town on business.

 

My thoughts are she cheated on me while on that business trip. Would feeling insecure in that relationship be justified after this event?

 

String

[Jilly10340]

Um.....YES!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

I think your analysis is right on the money. How humiliating and disrespectful of you. In a sense your are very lucky you never married her since it seems obvious that this is her pattern of behavior with this guy. Move on and find someone who respects you and does not engage in affairs. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Stringfellow

Ladies and Gentlemen

 

I am asking the following question, need to know what you all think?

 

Would you want your significant other working with a person that they have had an affair with in the past that lasted for 2 yrs, and they take business trips together alone?

 

Here is the reason why I am curious, I asked her to marry me and she said yes, she left on the business trip with him and came back 2 days later to say "no" that she just said yes to amke me feel good while she was out of town on business.

 

My thoughts are she cheated on me while on that business trip. Would feeling insecure in that relationship be justified after this event?

 

String

 

What?! She had a 2 year affair with this guy.. is STILL working with him and going away on "Business trips"

 

Ends the affair?

 

The two of you work it out (wow after a 2 year affair?) She said she would marry you to "Make you feel better"

 

Good Lord, what does she do when she wants to make you feel like s***?

 

IMHO... Move on... Sorry

[Jilly10340]

OK, I'm back. The more I think about it the more it makes me mad!

 

She said what?! She said yes to make you feel good while she was out of town just to come back into town to say no? That's the biggest load of s*** I've ever heard, not to mention cruel, cold hearted, and a couple of other colorful words I won't say on here.

 

You don't deserve that, I wouldn't even try to make her "feel good" and dump her sorry a$$.

[Stringfellow]

We were on the way to the airport for her business trip, I asked her to marry me and she said yes, I said are you sure, and she said yes. She left on her trip with the man she had the affair with, whe she returned, she said "no" and her reason for saying no was that she just said yes to make me feel good while she was out of town on her business trip!

 

I will now add the rest of the story for your entertainment!

 

 

I met a gal who has the following past, she was married for 10 yrs, during the 9th year she started having an affair with a man who she still works with today. She and her first husband tried counseling but this woman who I will name Carla kept the affair going while trying to reconcile the marriage, needless to say they got divorced. The affair continued for another year until the man she was having the affair with dumped her. She met a man a week later and they were married 1 month later.

 

That marriage lasted 5 yrs, she said all he did was yell at her for no reason, (I have to wonder what role she played in it but never the less) they got divorced. Three months later her and I met, she had dated a few men between that time before we met.

 

We went out several times and the she cut it off. We started seeing each other 3 months later, things were awesome so during month # 5, I asked her to marry me and we could set the date for a year or so later. I asked her to marry me and she accepted, she left town for a business trip (with the man that she had the affair with in the past because they still work together), I was in heaven, upon her return she said that she did not want to get married, I asked why did you say yes then, her answer was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Most folks I have talked to said that was cruel and even some say emotional abuse. I did tell her that I wont ask her again so if she wanted to get married to me that she would have to ask me next time. She said OK, and that is where we left it.

 

Her Dad would say to her looks like you are headed towards #3 (referring to marriage # 3) and she would say with me standing there, "No I am not Daddy, I am never getting married again, she knew that I wanted to get married, she was telling him this after I had already proposed to her.

 

I never stopped dating her hoping that someday she might change her mind but I NEVER let her know how bad she hurt me. My feelings of being secure in the relationship started to suffer, (which I was told would be a natural response), I was looking for reassurance and sometimes she would give it and sometimes she would not and when she would not we would get into arguments which was about once a month.

 

Then month 6 rolls around and until now we had been seeing each other pretty regularly, she then says "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends" I tried for a compromise of 1 more day during the week and she said no, that in this case she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

We went to see a minister and he told her that he could see why I was someone then you want to be with them as much as you can. So she said "well I guess I can give him what he needs and see him one day during the week" She also told him while I was sitting there that I was the most kind, gentle, most caring man she had ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. When we left the meeting she told me she was going to show me what love really was.

 

Two weeks later we are broke up, she said that I tried to come between her and her family. During the fifth month of dating her brother-in-law who is a alcoholic and drug addict drove home drunk and high and drove his truck through the garage door, smashing stuff inside, he went into the house broke a TV, punched holes in wall and so on. It was after that event that I gave Carla and her parents information on intervention, (I grew up in that environment and could see what direction the brother-in-law was headed) after hearing her Dad say one day that if he ever hurt the daughter (Carla’s sister) or the grand kids that he would take a gun an shoot that SOB.

 

Two months later he does the same type of things, this time he ends up in jail and is facing prison charges. I asked her did the family look into the info I gave you on intervention, she said no and I asked why not, What I got from her was, "WELL I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, I said that is not the point, the point is that I came from that environment and I could see what direction it was headed, if they had looked into the info that the brother-in-law might not be in jail and facing prison time, again I got "YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME", I asked this question, “if you blow me off about something like this when I have had experience in it what else are you blowing me off about. We were in a argument at this point and it was around mid-night and I said lets just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. She said that she was not going to take off work just to sit and argue with me. I asked her at that point what would she take off work for. I asked if she would take off if her kids were sick and they were vomiting, (her kids are 12 and 14) she said no, that she would only take off if they were vomiting violently but otherwise she would go to work.

 

I was always a gentleman to her and her family, I treated her kids well, I helped around the house by cleaning, doing

laundry, fixing things, cleaning the toilets, giving the dog a bath, mowing the yard, cleaning the whole house and various other things. I did these things to show her that I cared for her and loved her. I had flowers sent to her office about once a month, I took her flowers home about once a week, I bought her cards, I left her love notes in her car, in the shower, in her purse, I would send her emails during the day to tell her I was thinking about her, and that I loved her, I would call the radio station in her town to have songs dedicated to her and other things as well.

 

She works for her Mom and her Mom will say things that hurt Carla’s feelings, her Mom also runs Carla in her personal life, Carla cant tell her Mom no. If her Mom tells her to do something Carla does it, I asked her why and she said that she cant tell her Mom no, that her Mom (who is like 61 with no health problems) wont be around much longer and it would be disrespectful to tell her no.

 

She told my girls ages 11 and 13 that she loved them, and they asked me when it was over how could she love us dad, she never sat down to talk with us, she never took the time to know who we are, she never played with us. When we broke up my girls were hurt.

 

 

We dated for about 7 months, I live about 65 miles away from her, and each day after work I would head to her place. Sometimes I would have to work late, not arriving at her place till 9:30, just in time to go to bed so I could be up at 5:50 am so I could make the 1.25 hour drive to work. She would call me and say, "if you are too tired to drive here you can just stay in town". I would make the drive anyway so I could spend time with her. Not once did she make the drive to my place, she did not suggest taking her kids to her moms who only lives 2 blocks away and coming to my place so I would not have to make the late night drive. Seven months and not one time did she make the drive she has a new car so that would not be an excuse.

 

In defense of her she did buy me some clothes and dinner on several occasions. She also bought me flowers a couple times and a couple of cards.

 

I was getting a lot of mixed signals, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, she said she would set up an appointment on several occasions, but she never did.

 

Her sister and brother-in-law are both deaf, she told me she would teach me to talk to them using sign language, she never did, I asked her to several times and she would say she would but she never took the time to do so. So she would talk to them and I would not have a clue to what they were saying.

 

So tell me, was this relationship doomed from the beginning, she has never sought help for her past, I asked her to seek help because she was being eaten up by her secret of the affair and she told me how much it bothered her, and she is so afraid that the kids will find out and then not love her anymore.

 

Does she sound like a woman still wanting the affair because she has not gotten away from this man at work, and she takes business trips alone with him.

 

Did I have the right to feel insecure in this relationship?

 

Did I do something wrong by suggesting intervention for the brother-in-law?

 

Where did I go wrong?

[EC]

Good Lord, what does she do when she wants to make you feel like s***?

 

sorry carry on.....

[Merin]

Originally posted by Stringfellow

We were on the way to the airport for her business trip, I asked her to marry me and she said yes, I said are you sure, and she said yes. She left on her trip with the man she had the affair with, whe she returned, she said "no" and her reason for saying no was that she just said yes to make me feel good while she was out of town on her business trip!

 

I will now add the rest of the story for your entertainment!

 

 

I met a gal who has the following past, she was married for 10 yrs, during the 9th year she started having an affair with a man who she still works with today. She and her first husband tried counseling but this woman who I will name Carla kept the affair going while trying to reconcile the marriage, needless to say they got divorced. The affair continued for another year until the man she was having the affair with dumped her. She met a man a week later and they were married 1 month later.

 

That marriage lasted 5 yrs, she said all he did was yell at her for no reason, (I have to wonder what role she played in it but never the less) they got divorced. Three months later her and I met, she had dated a few men between that time before we met.

 

We went out several times and the she cut it off. We started seeing each other 3 months later, things were awesome so during month # 5, I asked her to marry me and we could set the date for a year or so later. I asked her to marry me and she accepted, she left town for a business trip (with the man that she had the affair with in the past because they still work together), I was in heaven, upon her return she said that she did not want to get married, I asked why did you say yes then, her answer was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Most folks I have talked to said that was cruel and even some say emotional abuse. I did tell her that I wont ask her again so if she wanted to get married to me that she would have to ask me next time. She said OK, and that is where we left it.

 

Her Dad would say to her looks like you are headed towards #3 (referring to marriage # 3) and she would say with me standing there, "No I am not Daddy, I am never getting married again, she knew that I wanted to get married, she was telling him this after I had already proposed to her.

 

I never stopped dating her hoping that someday she might change her mind but I NEVER let her know how bad she hurt me. My feelings of being secure in the relationship started to suffer, (which I was told would be a natural response), I was looking for reassurance and sometimes she would give it and sometimes she would not and when she would not we would get into arguments which was about once a month.

 

Then month 6 rolls around and until now we had been seeing each other pretty regularly, she then says "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends" I tried for a compromise of 1 more day during the week and she said no, that in this case she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

We went to see a minister and he told her that he could see why I was someone then you want to be with them as much as you can. So she said "well I guess I can give him what he needs and see him one day during the week" She also told him while I was sitting there that I was the most kind, gentle, most caring man she had ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. When we left the meeting she told me she was going to show me what love really was.

 

Two weeks later we are broke up, she said that I tried to come between her and her family. During the fifth month of dating her brother-in-law who is a alcoholic and drug addict drove home drunk and high and drove his truck through the garage door, smashing stuff inside, he went into the house broke a TV, punched holes in wall and so on. It was after that event that I gave Carla and her parents information on intervention, (I grew up in that environment and could see what direction the brother-in-law was headed) after hearing her Dad say one day that if he ever hurt the daughter (Carla’s sister) or the grand kids that he would take a gun an shoot that SOB.

 

Two months later he does the same type of things, this time he ends up in jail and is facing prison charges. I asked her did the family look into the info I gave you on intervention, she said no and I asked why not, What I got from her was, "WELL I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, I said that is not the point, the point is that I came from that environment and I could see what direction it was headed, if they had looked into the info that the brother-in-law might not be in jail and facing prison time, again I got "YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME", I asked this question, “if you blow me off about something like this when I have had experience in it what else are you blowing me off about. We were in a argument at this point and it was around mid-night and I said lets just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. She said that she was not going to take off work just to sit and argue with me. I asked her at that point what would she take off work for. I asked if she would take off if her kids were sick and they were vomiting, (her kids are 12 and 14) she said no, that she would only take off if they were vomiting violently but otherwise she would go to work.

 

I was always a gentleman to her and her family, I treated her kids well, I helped around the house by cleaning, doing

laundry, fixing things, cleaning the toilets, giving the dog a bath, mowing the yard, cleaning the whole house and various other things. I did these things to show her that I cared for her and loved her. I had flowers sent to her office about once a month, I took her flowers home about once a week, I bought her cards, I left her love notes in her car, in the shower, in her purse, I would send her emails during the day to tell her I was thinking about her, and that I loved her, I would call the radio station in her town to have songs dedicated to her and other things as well.

 

She works for her Mom and her Mom will say things that hurt Carla’s feelings, her Mom also runs Carla in her personal life, Carla cant tell her Mom no. If her Mom tells her to do something Carla does it, I asked her why and she said that she cant tell her Mom no, that her Mom (who is like 61 with no health problems) wont be around much longer and it would be disrespectful to tell her no.

 

She told my girls ages 11 and 13 that she loved them, and they asked me when it was over how could she love us dad, she never sat down to talk with us, she never took the time to know who we are, she never played with us. When we broke up my girls were hurt.

 

 

We dated for about 7 months, I live about 65 miles away from her, and each day after work I would head to her place. Sometimes I would have to work late, not arriving at her place till 9:30, just in time to go to bed so I could be up at 5:50 am so I could make the 1.25 hour drive to work. She would call me and say, "if you are too tired to drive here you can just stay in town". I would make the drive anyway so I could spend time with her. Not once did she make the drive to my place, she did not suggest taking her kids to her moms who only lives 2 blocks away and coming to my place so I would not have to make the late night drive. Seven months and not one time did she make the drive she has a new car so that would not be an excuse.

 

In defense of her she did buy me some clothes and dinner on several occasions. She also bought me flowers a couple times and a couple of cards.

 

I was getting a lot of mixed signals, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, she said she would set up an appointment on several occasions, but she never did.

 

Her sister and brother-in-law are both deaf, she told me she would teach me to talk to them using sign language, she never did, I asked her to several times and she would say she would but she never took the time to do so. So she would talk to them and I would not have a clue to what they were saying.

 

So tell me, was this relationship doomed from the beginning, she has never sought help for her past, I asked her to seek help because she was being eaten up by her secret of the affair and she told me how much it bothered her, and she is so afraid that the kids will find out and then not love her anymore.

 

Does she sound like a woman still wanting the affair because she has not gotten away from this man at work, and she takes business trips alone with him.

 

Did I have the right to feel insecure in this relationship?

 

Did I do something wrong by suggesting intervention for the brother-in-law?

 

Where did I go wrong?

 

MG!

 

Well, Wow she's a real gem

 

I'm so sorry that you've invested so much time into this woman.. and sorry but buying you clothes, dinner or flowers doesn't make up for being a jackass.

 

I would wash your hands of this and her.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

It is time for a reality check. Please reread your letters.

You would have to be a masochist to wish to be married to

this woman. I would suggest counseling for you to understand

why you would want to settle for such a trashy person as this woman?

You sound like a person of quality but you wish to be with a person

who has none. If you had a son would you wish for him to marry

such a person? You need to open your eyes. I wish you luck.

[twalkoe]

In her defense...

 

You are moving kind of fast. In my humble opinion (and I don't care if you're Mel Gibson) 5 months is not alot of time to figure out if you want to spend the rest of you life with someone.

 

I think what's happening is that this woman has made many mistakes with men up until this time. Even when she started dating you she had just come out of a relationship. What she needs is for you to back off. Let her only see you on the weekends...don't push for more time. Don't send her flowers and emails everyday. Let her go wondering about what you're doing...let her come into your city because you've explained to her that you are "busy" on a particular weekend.

 

She obviously has feelings for you, but she may be scared and you may be doing the smothering thing.

 

I'm afraid what's going to happen to you is that she will end up breaking the whole thing off just because she isn't in the same place as you. If you really love her...become less available.

 

And no...you haven't done a damn thing wrong... it's actually the opposite, you sound very loving and thoughtful. The two of you are just not in the same place right now. Wait it out, if it's real and you've never felt this way about someone before in your life. If you want to get married in a year and that's what you need...you may want to look for someone with less soul searching to do.

[Stringfellow]

Shea has already broke up with me, she said i was too insecure, but the way she acted left me in that position. We have npt seen each other in 2 months.

 

I have not asked for a second chance becasue she is already dating someone, she spen maybe 2 weeks alone and now is dating a man. I wish I could do that just dump e parson and then move on to the next one!!!!