He won't say "I love you"

[Jenna]

I have been seeing someone for two years.

 

He is a very honest person with a lot of integrity

 

and has been monogomous the entire time. We were friends

 

for many years prior to our relationship starting up.

 

(I was married, now divorced).

 

He is not the kind of person to devote so much time

 

to another without having deep feelings for them.

 

He is very independent and needs his time alone which I respect, because I have my own need for that as well.

 

We had a discussion recently about love and he told me

 

he was not in love with me but that he is devoted to me

 

and that love is just not easy for him to deal with.

 

He has a lot of issues in his family history that make

 

this understandable. He is afraid of becoming

 

attached to someone and losing them, he is afraid

 

to spill out his soul because he says "I wouldn't

 

be able to stand him after that."

 

Recently he made a comment about not wanting me to get bored.

 

I really love to be with him, we have a great sex life and I truly respect the person he is.

 

My ex was always telling me he loved me, come to find out

 

he's making passes at every one of my friends.

 

The problem here is that I need some warm fuzzies,

 

he is not very verbal emotionally. We've talked about this

 

and he says to look at his actions not his lack of

 

linguistics. However, he was able to tell his last girlfriend that he loved her. When I asked him why this

 

was possible..he said that they had reached certain levels.

 

She was living with someone else the entire time she was seeing him, she was very flirtatous with other men, I guess she was a challenge, he recognizes this and says, is that really love? He felt it was because he associates that

 

panic stricken emotion you feel for someone as love.

 

I am pretty easy going and very loyal.

 

Is it possible to continue to have a relationship with someone after this much time when they are not in love with

 

you, am I wrong to let this bother me so much?

 

I guess I believe he really does love me but refuses to say it. Any thoughts?

[Tony T]

You answered your whole question in your last line. Of course, he loves you. And he didn't love that girl he went with before but told her he did.

 

He would not still be with you and the relationship would not be so great if he did not have deep feelings for you. He may be denying them or keeping them in check because of this fear he has. It is very doubtful that you will hear these words for some time so just give up on it right now.

 

He is right. His actions should show you how he feels. Yes, it is nice to hear those warm fuzzy things from someone but if his actions show his unexpressed love is very sincere, you'll just have to do with that for the time being.

 

Enjoy the relationship and get enough confidence, self assurance, and self love for yourself that you aren't in such dire need of his verbal expressions. Enjoy your relationship and always know that he does deeply care for you.

 

Talk is extremely cheap...but actions take work and I think what he is showing you speaks a hell of a lot louder than any I love you's he could utter.

[Pat]

I totally understand your pain. I dated someone for two years who never told me he loved me either. I finally realized he didn't love me. And that that was not going to change.

 

If they don't know in two years, then they are not going to know. Ask yourself if you can live with the knowledge of living with someone like that for the next fifty years.

 

I used to tell him I loved him, and he would say, Thank you. Now how lame is that.

 

YOu seem like a terrific, warm, and kind person. YOu also seem like you need passion and won't settle for a mediocre relationship. It seems like time has just slipped by and now you realize that you've dated someone for two years, and he hasn't reached the levels of commitment you have.

 

Try to break this relationship off. He may want to get backwith you initially. But that is just because of security of the relationship. Don't settle for this...

 

We only get in life what we ask for. And we deserved what we get when we settle for less.

 

Good luck, and warm hugs