Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 The only credit card we have is an Amex that he hasn't turned off....yet. But the attorney couldn't chance me charging his retainer on it because once hubby find out I charged the attorney fee he would close it down and the attorney is not going to work for free. The other credit card is our BOA that he took out all the money from. So yes, I'm pretty much done. I don't have anyone to borrow the money from either. I get such mixed advice from people. Some people will be very negative about my situation and warn me that this will definitely not stop at $5000 but can go on and end up being a lot more. Therefore I won't get anyone to borrow me the money. Also, they don't seem to think I will ever get the money back. They seem to think the only thing I'm entitled to is alimony. I can say goodbye to all the money he took out of the accounts and forget about the pension. Although the attorney told me I am definitely entitled to half of everything but I can't afford to hire him. I emailed him to see what exactly he can get done for $5000. If he could successfully get me alimony and part of the pension I would walk away from all the money he took. But I doubt he will take on this for "only" $5000. Other friends think I shouldn't give up and that I have to fight for what I'm entitled of. But I don't have it in me and I just want this to start and be over. What would you do? I'm back to thinking about mediation to keep the fees down. Although the problem with that is that he won't be totally honest and he's very manipulative so he will definitely have the upper hand in this. But I don't think I have any other options by now.....Any advice or knowledge about mediation would be so very appreciated. How does it work and how long does it take? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Lets start with is his current income low six figures or less? Is there equity in a house? It's impossible for folks to offer you advice w/o some idea of what finances are. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 My experience: Mediation works wonderfully if the parties are amicable. A husband who cleans out joint accounts isn't exactly the epitome of amicable. Joint assets, even if he 'cleans them out', still show up on bank records as joint assets, hence marital assets, if earned/co-mingled/transmuted while married. If you live in a community property state, it's just numbers. While the cash dearth is maddening right now, once forensics are done and the court petitioned properly, the numbers will all work out. FWIW, I spent about ten grand on our deal and most of that my exW was unaware of. The actual filings and mediation were comparatively zero. All of the advance work with a competent legal team led to directing things in a way which benefited both of us without protracted legal actions. FWIW, a valid charge by you to a joint credit card will survive a chargeback attempt by your spouse, especially if the services were rendered as contracted. Anything else is just smoke. Any attorney knows that. Joint debt versus joint assets. You're both responsible. IMO, crunch the numbers and work out what your priority is. Pick one thing. Then decide how much you want to spend to get it and find someone who can help you within that budget. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
phillygirl Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Ask an attorney would s/he be willing to work out a payment plan for you. That's what I did when STBXH froze all joint accounts and basically refused to even give me gas money. So much for raising his kids and managing his home for 10 years... Also, for those who believe it's HIS money: be advised, the law doesn't agree with you. When you are M, there is no "mine/his" dichotomy. A SAHM is PART of the family dynamic. She is entitled to love, respect and yes...a paid D if her husband treats her like crap. Having lessor means doesn't reduce someone to dealing with crappy behavior. My advice: Guys who try to pull that powerplay might wish to speak with other men who didn't fare so well. Best of luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 If hubby has already cleaned out our accounts is mediation really still the way to go in our case? I'm left with no choice because I can't afford an attorney. How does mediation work if I don't fully trust him and can he make sure he has hidden assets and get away with it? I guess what I'm asking is: how much do the "mediator" look and dig into his accounts and what he's already done? Please help! ANY advice appreciate. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 How far does the mediator go as into his hidden assets if he has any? I'm worried they are so "neutral" and wanting to get the case done that they only look at the statement TODAY and don't even know there used to be a LOT more money in there a week ago?? I really hope this is not the case? We have no kids and don't own anything so it shouldn't be complicated. He bought a pension while we were married that I know I was entitled to and the attorney thought it was worth hiring him just because of that. But I don't have the money to do that so now I'm ok with walking away with at least spousal support because that he can't get away with not paying. Also, how soon can a mediator get this done? Oh, and can you please tell me how the process works. How do we start this and does she file for us? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 (edited) You need an attorney to put the cabash on the accounts before mediation. Edited June 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 It is hard to believe that any attorney would turn down an opportunity to charge 5G on a joint American Express card. Go find one that will before your husband cuts off that card off too. If you keep fooling around like this - you will be in a pickle. Once you have your attorney - they will take your husband into a hearing - and get some temporary finances and payments set up. You best get this filed before he does. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 because he's already living in another state. He has to come back here if he wants to do that. And if he would to do that, does it then matter who files first. See, he doesn't want to spend the money and would want to go about this the most affordable way. So what you are saying is that I have to get an attorney BEFORE mediation if I'm going to have a chance at getting any of the money back that he already took out? Can't we start the mediation process and see what he's willing to get me. If I'm not happy with that I can then take this to an attorney for him to look over and go from there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 I told him I wanted to try mediation and if he's willing to do that. He then tells me that "I should be smart about this and instead settle with him". So what he's really saying is that there's no way I'll end up with anything from him. Since he doesn't work for a "real" company but his friend who has a few companies (and who can help him lie about things) he will claim that he "only"makes about $50 000/y which is half of what he's making. All the money he took out of the accounts has been invested in something according to him. And that I should wait and instead get a lump sum from that. I don't think a mediator will go after this money or a pension? So I'm left with a spousal support which will be according to $50 000/y? Is he right and am I better of trying to work out some kind settlement with him?? But how does one go about this? I'm not going to take his word that "he wants to help me out in any way he can". He's very manipulative and I need something in writing and can you get an attorney for this? I am so lost in all this and there seems to be no way out.....what other options do I really have with no money for an attorney?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 But I can't go on like this. I'm ready to walk with nothing but myself. He's not even interested in seeing a mediator. So what happens if I go and file now? What will be the next step and do I automatically get some kind of spousal support later on without having an attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
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