spiderowl Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Is there any real difference between having an affair with a married guy/woman and having an affair with an attached one? What if he/she is living with their partner but not married - is an affair more acceptable in that situation. Is an attached-but-not-married partner fair game for a single guy/woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I think when someone is in a committed relationship they should let their partner know if they want to see someone else. Lies and gas lighting hurts anybody and its only fair to give the other person the chance to decide what they want with informed information. Some live together and have children also to consider. So I do not think being unmarried makes a person fair game if they are commited to another person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elfie Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I'd say it makes the dishonesty deeper - anmarried person hasn't stood in front of friends and family vowing to love and honour someone, but then again, an unmarried person with a partner can often have more of a deeper commitment to their other half than someone who married theirs - don't we know that... I'd guess it would depend on the person and circumstances, their past experiences, more than a ring - an interesting post, what do others think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 There is no real difference if you are allowing him to have you secretly while he keeps his committed partner openly. As for "fair game", that's a little different. I might not consider a dating man "off limits" when it comes to flirting and making interest known. But I wouldn't make myself available to him on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I think there is a difference but perhaps in varying shades of gray. For example, for me, marriage is completely different than a committed dating relationship Why? I firmly believe there are absolutely no contracts in dating. But, I have a friend who lived through a couple of bad marriages with both of her divorced parents when she was a child. She's happily committed to the same man for nearly 13 years and with two very well-adjusted, normal kids. Their lifestyle works for them. So, I'm on the fence with this one. I think it totally depends on the couple. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 There are some differences, but the most important thing to know for this forum, with respect to any r/s is: Is this a 1:1, honest, publicly acknowledged relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 There are some differences, but the most important thing to know for this forum, with respect to any r/s is: Is this a 1:1, honest, publicly acknowledged relationship? That would exclude a number of marriages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 A committed R is a committed R, regardless of whether they're married or not. A person has bound/pledged/obligated himself to certain duties and expectations. It's not brought forth by a ring or certificate, it's facilitated by a person's word to be and do so. So, no, there is no difference between the two other than one is betraying the W and one is betraying the gf. Although, he is in a committed R, he himself is not committed (unless he is in an open R which it doesn't sound like). Beyond that, the fact that he can easily walk away without having to go through the circumstances of D, but doesn't should be saying even more to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HonestNeurotic Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Whether people are married or not, many have things like a mortgage together. etc. They've planned their lives according to shared incomes and such. Some even have children together. Lying is lying. Whether you are living together, or just dating, lying about sleeping with others is still the same. There are no degrees of separation on this. Having a marriage license doesn't make it any better or worse when you lie about it, though people are more committed to the lie as there are legal things involved with the marriage contract. That's all that marriage is - a legal contract that gives one certain rights and privileges. Someone that lies about being exclusive when it comes to sex, is just a liar. No matter what their relationship status is. They don't have the fortitude to be honest about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Is there any real difference between having an affair with a married guy/woman and having an affair with an attached one? I think the reasons why people have delayed marriage to another can be quite telling. What if he/she is living with their partner but not married - is an affair more acceptable in that situation. No, because getting busted is getting busted, even for those who shack up. Is an attached-but-not-married partner fair game for a single guy/woman? I would never pursue an attached guy, so if something happens, he's got to be OUT OF THIS WORLD! Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 The difference i was driving at in the other thread, was that if the man has been seeing her for 11 months 13, actually. He could easily leave a non marriage relationship with very little consequences. There would be consequences: financial ones. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I'd say it makes the dishonesty deeper - anmarried person hasn't stood in front of friends and family vowing to love and honour someone, but then again, an unmarried person with a partner can often have more of a deeper commitment to their other half than someone who married theirs - don't we know that... I think girlfriends are more likely to snap than a wife. A girlfriend is dwelling in a land of hope, hoping for marriage whereas a wife might think she's got the prize. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 There is no real difference if you are allowing him to have you secretly while he keeps his committed partner openly. On Facebook, some partner folk appear hidden as well; some have no pictures in certain family settings whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 He doesnt have to shell out alimony or pay an attorny fkr an ongoung divorce. At most, he cuts loses on a house perhaps I really can't go into details about his business. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I think the main difference is that it's much easier to leave a committed relationship than a marriage. Whether people are married or not, many have things like a mortgage together. etc. They've planned their lives according to shared incomes and such. Some even have children together. This is true for some people. For example, my eldest sister "dated" the father of her children for 25 years before they broke up. They were, for all intents and purposes a married couple (and probably would have qualified for a common law marriage), but simply never got married because of personal beliefs. They co-owned a house, had joint finances, etc. like a married couple would. However, I would say that the majority of people don't fall into this category. Joining finances completely before marriage is rare (and pretty much a bad move financially). Most people date for under 10 years before getting married. At most, they might share a lease that might be difficult to break and share payment on bills. When I broke up with my ex who lived with me, the only hurdles I had to through were (a) filing an eviction notice with the county because I owned the property, and (b) having to pay all of my utility bills myself without help. Having children together obviously complicates the situation a lot, but it is still doable for most self-sufficient adults. As for "fair game", that's a little different. I might not consider a dating man "off limits" when it comes to flirting and making interest known. But I wouldn't make myself available to him on the side. I think this strategy is the most reasonable. Unless the couple has been together for several years and/or are very serious, you still have a realistic chance of being able to date the person you are interested in should they break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Joining finances completely before marriage is rare (and pretty much a bad move financially) ...depends on who is benefiting. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 ...depends on who is benefiting. Either one of the couple could legally clean out the joint bank account and run. Leaving and taking the money would probably be the most beneficial option of them all, but no one is going to do that to someone they genuinely care about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 Thanks for your replies and insights. I thought it would be interesting to see if attitudes varied to married and non-married couples in terms of whether it was acceptable to start a relationship with one of a couple. Personally, I wouldn't - I'd wait until the relationship fell part by itself before getting involved. I have noticed among my own social groups that someone has gradually got involved with someone else and what seemed like a strong couple relationship has broken up. It's not that common - friends stealing otherss' partners- but it does happen. Should one allow such things to develop or steer clear if they are a 'committed couple'? Also from my own observations, very few people do seem to break up with a partner and then eventually find someone else. It seems more common for people to move from one partner to another very quickly, usually someone they've been friends with beforehand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 I have noticed among my own social groups that someone has gradually got involved with someone else and what seemed like a strong couple relationship has broken up. It's not that common - friends stealing otherss' partners- but it does happen. Should one allow such things to develop or steer clear if they are a 'committed couple'? Excellent follow up question! I steered clear, but in my case, the magnetic pull was much too strong! The fact that I resisted and yet and still succumbed to his charms quite quickly tells me that he is someone I should never, ever be without! Also from my own observations, very few people do seem to break up with a partner and then eventually find someone else. It seems more common for people to move from one partner to another very quickly, usually someone they've been friends with beforehand. Interesting. That brings to great risk being the rebound. I think living independently is a beautiful thing, and sharing ones life with another should be a choice, not a fall back plan because options are running low. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 Yes, I guess that's the danger for relationship hopping, the rebound effect. Some people seem to operate like this, never being alone for more than a week or something. Yet, others seem to think they should respect couples, their own relationships and those of others. Do some people think it's OK to 'poach' or that it's the norm? I honestly don't know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Yes, I guess that's the danger for relationship hopping, the rebound effect. Some people seem to operate like this, never being alone for more than a week or something. Agreed. Some truly believe they are incapable of being alone. So much better to feel complete and whole as an independent, then consciously join forces with no ulterior motives. Yet, others seem to think they should respect couples, their own relationships and those of others. Do some people think it's OK to 'poach' or that it's the norm? I honestly don't know. I'll reiterate, I'd never poach, but if the fish flops from the sea and into my boat, I won't throw him back. (Terrible analogy, but...) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 People throw back undesirable fish evetyday.......unless they are starving. *hint* Trust me: getting involved with my current completely shut the door on my previous who was my WORLD. So, no, no starvation here Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Is there any real difference between having an affair with a married guy/woman and having an affair with an attached one? What if he/she is living with their partner but not married - is an affair more acceptable in that situation. Is an attached-but-not-married partner fair game for a single guy/woman? No....if someone is considered to be in a monogamous relationship then they are off limits. My question is why would you even consider that an attached person is an option for a relationship? That signals that there is something you are lacking, considering you are aware that they are attached to another person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 No....if someone is considered to be in a monogamous relationship then they are off limits. My question is why would you even consider that an attached person is an option for a relationship? That signals that there is something you are lacking, considering you are aware that they are attached to another person. It isn't always that simple, though. I'm involved with someone who I truly didn't want to be more than friends with -- and I was hesitant to even do that. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Yet, that is exactly where you find yourself. Engaging in a relationship with a man that is not even willing to give up his current girlfriend to make your relationship a valid one. How can you stand that? Or is it an ego boost to know that you are taking something that belongs to someone else? Because at this point it does not make sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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