Long, but hopefully inspirational.

[deeelight]

Most of us here are the 'break-upees' and not the break-upers. Most of us are here to get help from others with coping, maybe see a spark of light with someone else's experoence to give us hope for ours, etc. I would like to share my experience with this whole thing (my break-up) and what it has taught me. You can take this for whatever it will be worth to you.

For a moment there, I thought he was going to take me back. He was emailing me pictures of himself, flirting, bought my perfume so he could reminisce about me etc. After all those clues, I gave him the chance to be honest. Told him I knew he still loved me and now was his chance to act. He didn't. He lied again and told me that he was happy without me, was sure he didn't want to get back together, inbetween obvious tear-fighting. He went to the bathroom a few times (I heard no toilet flush) to compose himself. See, this man is so afraid to upset his father (religeous) that he would rather torture himself than face telling his father how and what he truly wanted. I know that he is going to regret this for the rest of his life if he follows through, but no words I say get through to him, after all, I have a bias, I want him back. So...

After that evening, I ended contact. For Good. It's been nearly two weeks. Prior to that, for the 3 months we've been broken up, I never went 1 week without contacting him. Now he knows I mean business. One thing I realized was that he was alright if he knew that the door was open. He knew that as long as I was a friend, he had not lost me, and there was no sense of emergency to reconcile. Now, however, I have given him the chance to really see what it is like without me, completely. I am sure he hates it, because I know he longs for me. I sit in my quiet house, all alone, and tell myself that I am doind what I have to do. I know what it is like to wait and wait and wait for someone to change their mind. I did it for two years once (can you believe that?) Two freakin' years. However long you've been waiting has seemed like forever, right? Imagine two years of that-and I never heard from him again-to this day, 3 1/2 years after we broke up (another guy). I am not going to do that again. See, unlike other times when I have been hurt, this last time I spoke with him, I said all I wanted to say. I told him about things that all of us would kick ourselfs later for not saying (we've all had that "Damn, I wish I had said that!" experience, right? I got to. There's my satisfaction. I also let him know that I knew he was full of sh*t when he said he didn't love me anymore.

To get to the point, which has been long coming (sorry for the length), today I am still having rough ones, but getting there. I realize that the ball is in his court. I also realize that he may never shoot. I actually have to count on that, because it's the only way I will be okay if he doesn't. If he does, nice surprise, if he doesn't, I expected it.

So, when we think about trying to get over someone that has hurt us and left us alone, we all just want to turn off the lights, cry, and hold a pillow in replacement of the person we miss the most. Most of us will undoubtedly go through the nights. But even though we fall, and are really down and out, just keep thinking that soon, you'll feel better. When doing a N/C, take it one day ata a time. Not only are you working toward getting them back, if that's in the cards, but for everyday you don't talk to that person, it's one more day of healing in your pocket. I have been telling myself that I can't call him no matter how bad I want to, because:

1. I am beating my head against a wall.

2. I will feel worse after the call.

3. I'll have to start N/C all over again (and we are all counting the days, aren't we?)AND start the healing process all over again.

4. If he knows I am still available, he will continue to be lazy. Why would he have to try if I am just going to make it easy for him. No rush, he thinks. Meanwhile, I am dying inside.

Do the best thing you can do for yourself. N/C is good for two reasons, gets them to think (if they will), and gets you used to life without them. Soon enough, you will have a day where you only think about him/her for one or two brief moments, instead of all day and night. Don't let them keep you on a string.

Take it from someone who has been there and seen the worst. Do yourself a favor. Everytime you feel down and sad, let yourself be sad, it's healthy, but also understand that the sun will rise again and again, and someday you'll be fine, whether or not he/she comes back. One day ata a time. Say to yourself: " I know I am sad now, but I will be alright eventually."

[dorothys]

Thank you so much for that post deelight. Your words have been such a inspiration to me. Our situation are very similar. I know my ex-boyfriend is dying in side. He has told me that he loves me to death, and that this is killing him to be away from me. The thing is that his mom is very needy, and so she tries to control him. He doesn't want to alienate his famly. When he left me, he told me that it was to find himself, but he ended up moving in with his mom. Now, he is hurting inside, but won't make a decision. I won't to call him and tell him that we need to talk, but I am scared. I don't know what to say. It is important to appear strong, but I feel weak when he is around. I don't want to pressure so much that he runs away, but I don't know what else to do. This flip-flop act is killing me, and I don't want to go on this way.

 

Do you have any advice is to what exactly I should say to him? I really wouldn't know where to start.

[deeelight]

Dorothy, our situations are very similar.

When your asking what you should do, what you should say to him, I am wondering if you would end up where I am if you did say anything to him. See, my ex believes he has no choice, that he has to give me up, because it would be too hard to have a relationship with me under so much opposition. Of course I disagree but he won't listen to me. His father tells him that it won't work, etc. and you know, daddy knows everything.

As far as your situation, It might do you good, eventually, to break away. Though he is in pain without you, he is not willing to do what it takes to ease that pain, and at the same time, is forgetting that he's not the only one hurting. I am not going to say that 'he's selfish, move on' or anything typical like that. What I will say is, hon, if he's going to change his mind, he's not going to do it if he hasn't felt he's lost you. If the two of you are still friends, consider yourself being on the back burner, with the heat on very low, almost off. If you are going to be there, waiting, he feels secure in what he's doing. I am not trring to make him sound liek a bad guy at all.

Dorothy, my advice to you would be to walk away, no matter how bad it hurts. You can cry later, but don't cry in front of him. If you cry and make a big appearance out of 'goodbye', he'll know that you aren't serious. Don't make a big production of it, don't write a letter, don't do anything like that. Go and get any belongings he has of yours, give him back his, and on the way out, say, I think I am going to stop talking to you now. If he asks why, tell him," because I can't be friends with you anymore. I love you too much to be your friend and it hurts to much to try when I feel like this inside. I can't do thins anymore, I am going to move on. Be courteous, but be serious, and don't give in when he starts to say "I love You", etc. Just stick to your guns. It's the only way he's going to change his mind and/OR it's the only way you are going to get over it.

In the meantime, while you're not speaking to him, go through your entire music selection, pull out all the music that makes you happy/brings your mood up. Burn it all onto disks and listen to only those, no love or sad songs. Don't talk about him, avoid that subject. Hang out with people who are fun to be with. Pack your schedule with things to do(paint a wall, something) and before you know it, a week has passed. If he calls you within the first 2 weeks, don't answer, or keep it brief and don't get emotional, because two weeks is not long enough for that kind of change. If you answer the phone, guess who has to start all over again?

Eventually you'll be alright, either way. It's okay to admit that you're hurting so badly inside, but it's not okay to just sit and wait for the pain to go away. There are only two ways that can happen:

1. he comes back.

2. You do something about it.

Since #2 is the only choice you have any control over, take control. Don't wait to feel better, help yourself. You may be surprised with how much you grow and learn and accept about yourself in the process.

If you smoke (to everyone) and ever want to quit, successfully get yourself out of the ex-hole. Means determination, one step at a time, etc. After that, you can kick any habit.

Dorothy, It's up to you what to do, but make sure that whatever you do, you are thinking about you in the long run. Don't be a martyr for him, obviousy he's not for you, so take care of number 1, you.

If he truly loves you, the realization that you are really gone will light a fire under his butt. If it doesn't work that way, then understand that nothing you do will change it. Eventually he will return, however if he waits too long, it may be too late for him. I know you are thinking that you'd rather wait, but you also have to understand that while you are waiting, you will be hurting.

Everything will be fine. From what you said, if you do what I think you should do, your absence is going to hurt him so much that he will make the move he needs to make in order to be with you again. Suddenly you will be more important to keep than his mothers' approval.

If not, in the process you will grow stronger and deal with it in a healthy way. Either way, you win.

[iceisles]

Thanks for the inspirational post, deeelight. I am in a NC situation right now and know it's for the best. Doing this will give me back control of my emotions and, like you said, I would likely feel worse after the call. It's only day two, and I'm already starting the moving-on process and feeling pretty good about it. In a few days, when the true effects of NC will start to take effect, I'm sure my ex will also be realizing what life without me is like. More than anything, I want to take away that very "lack of emergency" that I know she thinks she has with me sticking around as a friend. This sounds conceited, but I was really good to my girl, and now she'll have to either come clean with how she feels or see what it's like not having me around. They say you don't know what you've got until you lose it, and NC should make her share that same emptiness I have felt the last few weeks.

[deeelight]

Remember, one day at a time. It is for the best. If you feel like giving up, just fast forward to how you'll feel after the call. Why bother, right.

Don't believe a person is going to come back until THEY say they want to. Save yourself from false hopes and painful disillusion. I am not saying to be pessimistic, just do what you have to do to help yourself. I am glad I could share something to help people who are hurting. Remember I am going through it too. Good luck to everyone. Someday, all that we're going through now will be a thing of the past, something we learned a great deal from. (Wow, this time it was a short posting!! )

[iceisles]

I don't want mine back and she would have to put on quite a show to make me think otherwise. After she dumped me, I decided to remain friends and then asked myself why (she cheated on me prior to the breakup). If I wasn't good enough for her, I'm not going to pretend like she made a good decision and have her believe I am sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. I'm putting the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" theory to the test here to see what kind of reaction, if any, I get from her.