Actions speak louder than words?

[passionflower3]

I posted a week ago about a guy I've been in a casual, unofficial relationship with for about a year now. It's been on and off for that long.

 

This round (yes, it's like an emotional boxing match between us), he came around really strong. We went out on dates, hung out with friends together, and he made such a huge effort. I got frustrated with his slow pace since we've already been doing this for a year now. So I did my usual crazy texts. This is completely out of character for me with anyone else, but somehow I allow myself to go insane with him. He got turned off by it (quite understandably...I would be, too) and backed off, but not completely. He told a friend of mine recently that he just isn't ready for a relationship.

 

So, we had a talk the other night. I asked him what he wants from me because I am entirely confused by him. He said he thinks I'm awesome and wants to hang out as friends, but doesn't feel like he can commit to me because I turn him off with my outbursts. I told him why I'm so frustrated with him and I felt like I couldn't have normal conversations with him. Obviously, it doesn't excuse my nastiness, but I told him that's honestly not who I am. After a year, I feel like he has his guard up still and I don't know much about him, despite our friendship. We went back and forth about this for awhile. I told him I didn't want to give up on him, but I felt that we might just have to because it's become a dysfunctional cycle. The only other time we've talked about our relationship status was about 7 months ago. And he ended up crying and asking me not to leave...and this is NOT a soft man, I might add.

 

I know he was listening to my concerns and could tell that he was processing everything I was saying. He didn't say much more about it after that, but changed the subject and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. He ended up taking me out to the outdoor fireplace at his apartment complex. He started the fire and told me to ask him anything I wanted to know. This is a huge deal for him since he is a very guarded and private person. I asked some very personal questions about his family, etc. and he answered them all. He showered me with more compliments in this three hour session than he has in the entire year. Then we went back to his apartment and he cooked me my favorite meal of his.

 

Is this his effort at letting me know that he still wants to try us out? Actions speak louder than words? We didn't discuss the relationship issue any further that night, but we had such a wonderful time sitting in front of the fire and just having a great conversation. We cuddled and made out and I ended up sleeping over at his place (sex, yes).

 

I feel like this was a great moment and I want to give him another chance, but I'm scared of getting burned any further. I'm scared of driving him away any further. I don't understand why I act like such an idiot towards him (and vice versa). We like each other so much. I'm thinking of just asking him again what he wants because I'm still confused. If he says he doesn't want a relationship with me despite the wonderful moment we shared, I will just tell him that we both need to quit this thing, at least for awhile to figure things out. It makes me too anxious to try to decipher his words and then his actions. Nothing makes sense.

 

Any thoughts? My heart is aching and my head is spinning. What gives??

[inaya42]

you are not being an idiot toward him, nor he towards you. unfortunately, his distancing causes your insecure behaviors, and vice versa. the less emotionally controlled you are, the more emotionally reserved he is. this is the typical push-pull cycle. and the only way for it to stop is for one of you to get out of this polarizing dynamic. it will not be him. (he holds the power to determine whether the is a relationship or not and to determine the pace of things, so why would he give that up?) it must then be you.

 

my advice: stop talking to him about the status of the relationship, which simply vocalizes and reinforces his status as elusive prize. (he's not. he's a man whom you and your hormones happen to enjoy.) do not ever spend time around him unless it is convenient for you and you feel 100% confident and calm. let him initiate most, if not all, contact going forward -- no matter how long it takes. finally, if you can stomach it, allow yourself to experience other male attention. if not, still make sure you pursue a rich and satisfying social life with friends and family. in other words, start distancing yourself from him. mirroring his behavior will create the balance that will allow this relationship to proceed -- if there is to be one at all.

 

good luck!

[passionflower3]

Thank you, inaya. I feel like that is very solid advice. He indirectly makes me feel inadequate and not good enough for him. And it tears me apart. I shouldn't feel like this with someone. And I don't think I should have to constantly try to prove myself.

 

He hasn't initiated contact since that night. I've texted him a couple times and gotten brief, but not rude, responses. It's got me wondering again what it all means. Perhaps he's busy at work. But still, after such a great night, I would think that he would at least show some indication that he's thinking of me.

 

My anxiety levels are sky high with this situation. I'm ready to cut my losses, but at the same time I worry that I'll give up when he's finally ready. Is this bad thinking?

[Lostint]

I think I understand how you feel. But I really think if you break up with this guy you'll really regret it. Not many people are emotionally strong enough to walk away from someone they love because their logic tells them they'll never get what they want - some people can do that, be logical about it, and go out and find someone else. But I think it's more likely that you'll break up with him, feel gutted about it, try to get him back, only for him to tell you that he can't do this cycle anymore. That's what happened with me and my ex anyway, although thr situation was different. I think men are better at suppressing their emotions and being logical about things.

[inaya42]

do not have a breakup conversation with him. if you are ready to cut your losses, do so without telling him. I have been in this situation, and your "sky-high anxiety" is already apparent to him, and it's either making him feel anxious or annoyed. he will not rescue you, and he will not talk you out of a breakup. (the only thing that will make either of you feel confident about this relationship is having happy moments - not one but many over time.)

 

if you cannot manage a whole program of detachment just yet, lets make a deal. you will not under any circumstances initiate anymore contact with him, and you will not respond to his first outreach either. no matter how much time lapses in between, you will not answer the first time he calls, texts, emails. he has been ignoring you and should not be rewarded with increased interest. also, you need to catch your breath and settle your own emotions.

 

and today you will schedule plans for your evening with friends...

Edited June 8, 2013 by inaya42

[Lostint]

Inaya's right. Also check out what drseussgirl said in one of the other threads 'he dropped off the face of the earth..'

 

Much as I wish we could all just be honest with each other and not play games, I am coming round to the idea that for men it's all a competition and they need to feel like they're winning some big prize by chasing after a girl who's somewhat inaccessible to them.

 

So yeah, I'd start making a bunch of plans for the next couple of months - think about all the stuff you've always wanted to do but have put off - this is your opportunity to do that stuff. Not only will it broaden your horizons and give you some happiness independent of this guy, but when he comes knocking again he'll find that you're no longer at his beck and call and he better start putting some effort in if he wants to keep you.

[passionflower3]

Thank you both for your advice. I really need it. I feel pulled in so many directions and am having a hard time sorting it out. But it really helps to hash it out and hear unbiased opinions about the situation. Thanks again.

 

Lostint - I am scared of losing him. I know he is a good man and I feel such a strong connection with him. But at the same time, I don't want to come across as that needy, clingy woman. I've done that in the past and it didn't work out well for me. And I notice that when I do that with this guy that he pulls away. He always comes back, though. Always. He forgives me for all the awful things I've said to him and I forgive him for being a jerk. It makes me wonder if we're both stupid or if we're really just that connected. I guess only time will tell.

 

Inaya - I will not have a break up conversation with him. You're right that it's not up to him to rescue me. I need to focus on me and be happy with myself. I'm in a transitional period in my life right now and so many things are going on at once. I have to sort my **** out. If it's meant to be then it'll be. Again, time will tell if it's a real connection or just an infatuation. It's hard for me to trust that, but I have to at this point.

 

I will not initiate contact with him! I vow not to do so, no matter how long it takes. If I don't hear from him anytime soon, we will be working together in a few months. We'll see each other again. Maybe it's good to take a break after we had such a good moment together. It'll give us something good to dwell on, rather than a bad memory (as it's mostly been when we stop talking).

 

And drseussgirl is totally on top of it! I loved reading her posts in the other thread. Good insight!

[youngnlove89]

OP, I have been where you are. I was for 2 years in an off and on pseudo relationship. Sometimes I felt like a glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't commit to me. (we were both exclusive and agreed to not see anyone else, but couldn't define us a bf/gf) And I would think that by leaving him, he would realize what he had. And sure, he might have, but it was ultimately reeking havoc on our relationship by the inconsistency.

 

Believe me when I say, DO NOTHING. Or you will mess it up further. I would break up with my guy over and over and I would always run back to him because I didn't want to break up with him, but I didn't know how to make him commit to me either. I would always try and talk about our relationship and try to define it. I would pick a fight and would get moody if he didn't tell me his feelings or if he shut me out because I wanted to talk about "us". I hated it. I would get so confused.

 

Instead, I decided that by me constantly leaving and coming back was making things worse versus him "seeing what he lost".

 

This time I tried a different technique. Leaving him wasn't an option because I love him. So I began to create my own life, because I kind of made him priority for that 2 years and lost myself while doing so. I go out with friends. I let him do the majority of the calling, texting first. I don't respond immediately. I make plans with friends and family and I don't change my plans for him anymore. I give him his space and don't freak out if he requests to be alone tonight or hang out with his buddies instead of me. I don't try to define our relationship and I don't try to make him open up to me either....and guess what? He wants to see me more. We have gotten closer. He calls me and texts me more. We hang out more. He is more open. He trusts me more because he isn't scared of losing his freedom. That's a biggie with guys and commitment issues.

 

I always knew he loved me, he has said it many times. But I was so determined to make this relationship have a label that I felt like if he couldn't honor it a title, that it wasn't worth anything. But that's not true. We are so happy together, we laugh, we love, we enjoy each others company and it's been great.

 

Society has taught us that every relationship has to have a title, and you have to get married (or you aren't fully committed) you have to do this and that or it isn't "right". But no, that's not true. You have to trust. You have to love. You have to be happy. If you are all of that, what more do you need?

 

I'm with my best friend. That's all I need.

[passionflower3]

Well, this man has officially driven me away. I am so sad and disappointed, but not even angry.

 

After our amazing night together by the fireplace, I decided to give him space, as was suggested in the above replies to my OP. I mirrored his distance instead of getting angry at it. If he didn't initiate contact, I didn't contact him. If he took 5 hours to reply to a text, I did as well. He never made anything further of that night, and that's where my disappointment began.

 

The last time we had seen each other (fireplace night), I wore his flip flops when I left his house the next morning. I had gone there the night before from work and had my heels on. It's nothing new. I've borrowed his clothes and sandals before and always bring them back.

 

Well, a couple weeks have gone by and I completely forgot I had his shoes. I mentioned it as a joke a couple nights ago when we were texting. Apparently, he was getting ready to take a trip, which I had no idea about. Things escalated super quickly and he began cursing me out about his FLIP FLOPS. It was brutal. And I refused to fire back with the cursing and nastiness. I tried to calm him down the entire time, but he kept coming at me with nastiness. He even called me a dumb*ss. We've had heated arguments before, but this is the first time he's actually called me a name (and I wasn't even fighting back this time!!).

 

I am so hurt. And I haven't been an angel myself. I have been utterly nasty to him, as well. It makes me realize that the respect factor on both sides is long gone. I feel like once that line is crossed that it can't be repaired.

 

Since his outburst, he has texted me many times with pictures from his trip, playfully saying "this is why I needed my flip flops." Like it's cute or something. I never responded and I guess he finally got the point. He called me earlier today and I sent his call straight to VM. He left a very serious message apologizing for his behavior and that he feels bad that he took out his anger on me.

 

Should I do anything? I am going to give him back his shoes, preferrably just drop them off at his door or something. I kind of don't want to see or talk to him again. We have to work together in a couple months so I just need time to recoup emotionally before that happens.

 

I'm not one to ignore sincere apologies, though. I really take that to heart when someone does so. Should I just ignore him or thank him for the apology? I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted with this man. I love him dearly, but I'm sure this toxic cycle needs to stop. As someone mentioned, I am the only one who will be able to put a stop to it. I've allowed it for too long and he's taken advantage of my kindness.

 

Advice is really appreciated.

[FierceFoxie]

Well, this man has officially driven me away. I am so sad and disappointed, but not even angry.

 

After our amazing night together by the fireplace, I decided to give him space, as was suggested in the above replies to my OP. I mirrored his distance instead of getting angry at it. If he didn't initiate contact, I didn't contact him. If he took 5 hours to reply to a text, I did as well. He never made anything further of that night, and that's where my disappointment began.

 

The last time we had seen each other (fireplace night), I wore his flip flops when I left his house the next morning. I had gone there the night before from work and had my heels on. It's nothing new. I've borrowed his clothes and sandals before and always bring them back.

 

Well, a couple weeks have gone by and I completely forgot I had his shoes. I mentioned it as a joke a couple nights ago when we were texting. Apparently, he was getting ready to take a trip, which I had no idea about. Things escalated super quickly and he began cursing me out about his FLIP FLOPS. It was brutal. And I refused to fire back with the cursing and nastiness. I tried to calm him down the entire time, but he kept coming at me with nastiness. He even called me a dumb*ss. We've had heated arguments before, but this is the first time he's actually called me a name (and I wasn't even fighting back this time!!).

 

I am so hurt. And I haven't been an angel myself. I have been utterly nasty to him, as well. It makes me realize that the respect factor on both sides is long gone. I feel like once that line is crossed that it can't be repaired.

 

Since his outburst, he has texted me many times with pictures from his trip, playfully saying "this is why I needed my flip flops." Like it's cute or something. I never responded and I guess he finally got the point. He called me earlier today and I sent his call straight to VM. He left a very serious message apologizing for his behavior and that he feels bad that he took out his anger on me.

 

Should I do anything? I am going to give him back his shoes, preferrably just drop them off at his door or something. I kind of don't want to see or talk to him again. We have to work together in a couple months so I just need time to recoup emotionally before that happens.

 

I'm not one to ignore sincere apologies, though. I really take that to heart when someone does so. Should I just ignore him or thank him for the apology? I don't know what to do. I'm so conflicted with this man. I love him dearly, but I'm sure this toxic cycle needs to stop. As someone mentioned, I am the only one who will be able to put a stop to it. I've allowed it for too long and he's taken advantage of my kindness.

 

Advice is really appreciated.

 

OP, I'm sorry he was so nasty to you. Yea, it's great that he finally manned up and apologized AFTER you ignored his messages and calls but he should have apologized immediately after saying those things. I think he has shown you his true colors and what life would be like in future heated arguments; they will resort to him name-calling and getting nasty.

[FierceFoxie]

OP, I have been where you are. I was for 2 years in an off and on pseudo relationship. Sometimes I felt like a glorified friends with benefits. He couldn't commit to me. (we were both exclusive and agreed to not see anyone else, but couldn't define us a bf/gf) And I would think that by leaving him, he would realize what he had. And sure, he might have, but it was ultimately reeking havoc on our relationship by the inconsistency.

 

Believe me when I say, DO NOTHING. Or you will mess it up further. I would break up with my guy over and over and I would always run back to him because I didn't want to break up with him, but I didn't know how to make him commit to me either. I would always try and talk about our relationship and try to define it. I would pick a fight and would get moody if he didn't tell me his feelings or if he shut me out because I wanted to talk about "us". I hated it. I would get so confused.

 

Instead, I decided that by me constantly leaving and coming back was making things worse versus him "seeing what he lost".

 

This time I tried a different technique. Leaving him wasn't an option because I love him. So I began to create my own life, because I kind of made him priority for that 2 years and lost myself while doing so. I go out with friends. I let him do the majority of the calling, texting first. I don't respond immediately. I make plans with friends and family and I don't change my plans for him anymore. I give him his space and don't freak out if he requests to be alone tonight or hang out with his buddies instead of me. I don't try to define our relationship and I don't try to make him open up to me either....and guess what? He wants to see me more. We have gotten closer. He calls me and texts me more. We hang out more. He is more open. He trusts me more because he isn't scared of losing his freedom. That's a biggie with guys and commitment issues.

 

I always knew he loved me, he has said it many times. But I was so determined to make this relationship have a label that I felt like if he couldn't honor it a title, that it wasn't worth anything. But that's not true. We are so happy together, we laugh, we love, we enjoy each others company and it's been great.

 

Society has taught us that every relationship has to have a title, and you have to get married (or you aren't fully committed) you have to do this and that or it isn't "right". But no, that's not true. You have to trust. You have to love. You have to be happy. If you are all of that, what more do you need?

 

I'm with my best friend. That's all I need.

 

And holy crap this is the best advice I had read yet!! This is my problem with my ex too. We are sleeping together, I have done NC several times with him and he broke it this last time after 9 weeks. He texts me for days and then when we meet up, he will go days of NC again. I let him do 95% of the texting but I haven't really delayed texting him all that much. the one week I did, he made a remark about me being distant yet just 2 days later he went 4 days without contacting me and even ignored a "hi" message one day. Such BS!