Controlled or self centered?

[Fromoutofnowhere]

Hey everyone! First post here, hopefully ya'll can help me out.

 

So, I've been married to my highschool sweetheart for about 7 years and I'm not sure I can take much more. I love her, but she makes me absolutely miserable fairly often, but I'm not sure if it's all her. For the past 6 months we've been living apart during the week due partially to my job and partially because she thought we could save money if she and my daughter moved in with her parents while I lived where I work, which is free, and I just didn't feel like fighting with her(yet again) about it.

 

During the week she constantly texts me asking what I'm doing or where I'm at throughout the work day. Some days, if I take too long to reply to her, she starts sending me angry messages. Lately, I figured out that she checks my location on her phone too. I can't really do anything without her input, whether I want it or not. I can't really do anything, without her "permission",without her pitching a fit, period. I can't even like or comment on my friends' facebook pages unless I comment on everything she posts on facebook first unless I want to be scolded and given the silent treatment. Forget about trying to go out and get a drink with my friends! She'd lose it if she knew I was drinking at all. Hell, she would lose her s--t if she knew I had an account here...

 

So my question to all of you: Is my wife truly controlling or am I being self centered?

I'm getting ready to call it quits with her because I'm starting to feel like I have no identity outside of husband and dad, but if I'm truly in need of an attitude adjustment, I'd be willing to try to make that.

[drr6]

Very controlling according to your description.

Presumably because she is (more?) insecure and anxious about your physical separation and the possibility of you straying.

 

That being said, you really should try to discuss this with her. Make a real effort to address one another's concerns and establish appropriate boundaries. Third party counseling could help too, but I know you are trying to save money.

 

Good luck.

[Fromoutofnowhere]

I think she is really insecure, but she doesn't think so or refuses to admit it to me. She's had this controlling behavior long before we were living apart though, it's just gotten worse. I've sat her down and told her that I feel that she's controllig and I gave her super specific instances, but she just says that's how a married relationship is, which blows my mind because she has nothing to really base that on. I think counseling is the way to go if I'm going to be happy. I've brought it up before, but it keeps coming down to a money thing because my insurance doesn't cover it and she doesn't want to get a sitter for our daughter. She seems like she's happy and things are fine, usually, when we're together, but she's always got this "leash" on me. I've been going through changes mentally and emotionally too though. I'm just tired of being a good guy. Being understanding and trying to compromise is just making me miserable. I just want to cut loose and do what I want without her constantly trying to track me. I give her the opportunity to go out with her friends whenever it's mentioned, but she's always making excuses not to. I think she thinks if she gives up her autonomy, I shoulf be expected to happily do the same.

[TaraMaiden]

High-school sweethearts, huh?

 

'First Love'?

 

Much fun, diversity and adventure OUTSIDE this relationship?

How many other girls have you dated?

How many other guys has she dated?

 

Sounds like she 'owns your ass' right now...

 

You know why she's so controlling?

 

because you permit it.

 

Don't answer every single text.

let he blow the 'phone up.

Then when you do answer, never apologise, never explain, just amswer the last sensible text she sent, and do it rationally.

Do not be accountable every single second of your time.

Resist.

 

If she complains, tell her - "You stop being so controlling,and maybe I'll cooperate more.

But while you throw your weight about, I'm not going to be standing there like some dumb jackass, to catch it.

You want to talk to me?

Be civil, respectful and cooperative.

And by the way - the way forward for us, is with counselling. We're schytt at effective communication. Either we do counselling together, or i can see this ending badly."

 

Stick your ground, for goodness' sake.

[Fromoutofnowhere]

YOU'RE RIGHT!!! I do let it happen and I let it go way too long.

 

In the recent past, I tried out very similar stuff you mentioned and it actually worked out ok for a while. I got her to relax a bit, but I feel the noose tightening up again. I guess I just have to sack up and get back to it.

 

Deep down inside I think I've been wishing for something to present itself as the catalyst to hurry along the end of my marriage, but our toddler daughter keeps me from just calling it quits. The wife has made excuses why we can't go to counseling in the past(money, time, no baby sitter, etc) and I just got sick of fighting with her about it and gave up, but things magically started becoming slightly more bearable for a bit. It's all just a total f-in' mess in a nutshell, but I am ultimately at fault...

[Roweena]

Hey everyone! First post here, hopefully ya'll can help me out.

 

So, I've been married to my highschool sweetheart for about 7 years and I'm not sure I can take much more. I love her, but she makes me absolutely miserable fairly often, but I'm not sure if it's all her. For the past 6 months we've been living apart during the week due partially to my job and partially because she thought we could save money if she and my daughter moved in with her parents while I lived where I work, which is free, and I just didn't feel like fighting with her(yet again) about it.

 

During the week she constantly texts me asking what I'm doing or where I'm at throughout the work day. Some days, if I take too long to reply to her, she starts sending me angry messages. Lately, I figured out that she checks my location on her phone too. I can't really do anything without her input, whether I want it or not. I can't really do anything, without her "permission",without her pitching a fit, period. I can't even like or comment on my friends' facebook pages unless I comment on everything she posts on facebook first unless I want to be scolded and given the silent treatment. Forget about trying to go out and get a drink with my friends! She'd lose it if she knew I was drinking at all. Hell, she would lose her s--t if she knew I had an account here...

 

So my question to all of you: Is my wife truly controlling or am I being self centered?

I'm getting ready to call it quits with her because I'm starting to feel like I have no identity outside of husband and dad, but if I'm truly in need of an attitude adjustment, I'd be willing to try to make that.

 

I have no idea why you're doubting yourself. You're not doing anything wrong, and I think you know this. The problem is her, not you. And be very careful about her living with your daughter.

[Fromoutofnowhere]

Thanks everyone. I'm more confident in that I'm not wrong for feeling how I do. I don't want to make huge, life changing decisions, especially for my daughter because I might have been a selfish prick. I've got a lot of turmoil inside, so it's hard for me to paint an accurate picture of myself and my actions for me to reflect on.

 

As for the suspicion during living apart, I know she's not going out and hooking up or anything like that. I'm positive. She's a great mom and I love her, but she and I are just on two different levels of life experience and as time has gone on, we've grown more and more incompatible. She has very little sense of who she is outside of having a family.

 

All that been said, I guess it's better to break her heart now as opposed to years later, if I'm not institutionalized by then.