Left me for someone else

[blindsided again]

hi,

 

I don't imagine my problem is all that unique but for some reason I just can't seem to accept what has happened, and I'd love to get some feedback, anything that would help me get the perspective I need to find some peace and move on.

 

OK: met this guy at the end of last year. We're the same age, in similar fields, we really clicked. He wasn't born in the US but has lived here for the last 7 + years, and was married to a US citizen. They have a six year old son. When we met he & his ex had been separated for about six months, and their marriage had been rocky for most of its five year duration. Eleven months later (since we met) the divorce still isn't finalized (custody issues).

 

Anyway, he & I get along very well. Sex good-to-great, rarely argued. I always felt he was holding back a bit from me, and he was very busy between work and having joint custody of his son. He always kept me apart from his son -- didn't want to introduce me to him b/c he was afraid that his ex would become even less cooperative about custody if she knew he had a new girlfriend (he left her, btw). So our relationship was sewn together on the bits of time he wasn't working or with his son. I understood, although the situation was less than ideal and my needs for affection & companionship weren't being fully met. I figured it was ok for the short term. And I was impressed with how devoted this guy was to his son.

 

He broke up with me in May, saying that he knew he wasn't in love with me and therefore it wasn't right to continue. I was hurt of course, and frustrated. We kept in touch a bit, and six weeks later he asked me if I wanted to meet his son on Father's Day. Two days before that he came over for dinner so we could catch up a bit. It was a perfectly friendly evening but he grew emotional (not drunk!) as the evening wore on, and then in tears broke down saying that he did love me and that he wanted to spend his life with me, have children, etc. I was taken aback, but also thrilled. Met his son two days later, that went very well we had a nice time together. Unfortunately this guy had to leave to work overseas for three weeks the following day. We emailed regularly, phoned, and he sent me a loving postcard. Then he came back here, picked up his son and went up to Montreal, where his parents live, so that his son could see his grandparents. We kept in regular touch. Then he came back for two weeks. We spent every evening together, had a marvelous time: dinner parties, quiet nights with just the two of us. It was very nice. Then he had his son for two more weeks and he headed back up to Montreal. This time I didn't hear much from him. I began to get suspicious, and the day he was supposed to drive back I phoned him and asked him if he was thinking about ending things with me. He hesitated, but finally admitted that was the case.

 

We talked the next day, he came over and told me that he had believed he could come to love me -- that he had tried to make himself love me! -- but that it had never happened. He said he felt like he should and he didn't know why but he didn't. I, on the other hand, truly loved him. Love him still. He said he didn't feel a strong passion, and he had in the past with previous loves like his ex wife, and that's what he wanted. We were both crying at various points in an hours-long talk. I asked him if he'd met someone else, and he admitted that he had, during the second trip to Montreal. A single mother, a waitress (supposedly an aspiring writer). He said he felt the passion he was looking for when he met her.

 

At first I didn't believe he could be serious about her: there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a waitress but this guy is a professional intellectual, and well... aspiring writer or no, their worlds are very very different. He and I deal in ideas; she brings people their drinks orders. Who knows, maybe she's an expert on Nietzsche, maybe she's writing the next great masterpiece. But how likely is that? There's also the fact that there's a five hour drive between Montreal and where we live. This relationship just doesn't seem realistic -- and yet he's driven up there twice in the last month, once with his son, and she came down and stayed for a week. Oh, and don't forget, he's still not divorced yet! Apparently though he's no longer afraid of what his ex will do when she finds out he has a gf.

 

I'm hurt. Obviously. He says that he truly values me and hopes we'll have a "deep friendship based on trust and affection" but I realize now -- since their relationship is real and not some bizarre infatuation -- that I'm nowhere near able to have that with him. Why couldn't he love me? Why can he love her? I know that no one can answer those questions, not knowing him, or me, or her. I know I need to put this behind me and move on. I'm doing the best I can. It's hard, though. Was I a rebound? Is she just an escape -- from his life & obligations here, or perhaps from commitments he made too soon to me?

 

Just need some help getting perspective that will allow me to put this all behind me. Thanks for listening.

[Merin]

It's possible that because of the emotional turmoil he was in when he met you that you've become a reminder of more painful moments in his life regarding his divorce and custody battle with his wife. This really isn't all that uncommon.

 

Why couldn't he Love you.. well as you've said, that is a question that only he knows for sure.. but there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them.. and from what you've said regarding your relationship with him, it seems he has always loved you (like you would a friend) but has never been IN love with you.

 

The woman he has met.. Well I can understand that you don't want to see her in a good light.. but I must tell you that because she is a waitress in no way means she isn't bright, or less capable of dealing in ideas.. and really regardless of if you feel she is a good choice for him or not.. this is who he has decided to be with.

 

There were probably other reasons he had not wanted to introduce you to his son.. I have 2 little people myself and I wouldn't introduce them to someone I didn't feel pretty certain was going to be in my life as well as thiers because I wouldn't want them to become attached to that person, and then later hurt, confused or disolutioned when they were no longer there because things between us didn't work out.. so that could have been more his thought then the reason he gave.

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now..

 

You seem like an intelligent woman, with a lot to offer.. it's just a matter of finding someone who wants that with you and returns all that you are giving.

 

Best Wishes

[blindsided again]

Dear Merin2,

 

Thank you very much for your kind reply. I appreciate the empathy, and I think that's what I'm looking for ultimately, some virtual hugs and pats on the shoulder.

 

I know that one's occupation is by no means an automatic reflection of one's intellectual capacity. I thought I made that clear in my first post, this new woman could well be extremely intelligent and bright and witty. But the pressures that academics deal with are quite specific and it's usually not something other people can understand. In my experience anyway. You're entirely right about it being his choice. I've just been trying to understand what's been going on, because so many elements of his choice seem, objectively speaking, to be contradictory, and highly unrealistic. But I suppose love isn't something that conforms to rational objectivity, is it?

 

I guess something I don't understand is the distinction you've drawn between love and "being in love." It's something this man has tried to convey to me, and I don't understand it. I have dear male friends whom I feel emotionally close to, BUT I've never been physically attracted to them. To me that was the big difference. That was never a problem between me and this guy. So I'm having a hard time understanding what was lacking in the "passion" department. True, whenever we were together there were work pressures hovering over us, neither of us just gave ourselves up to the moment and forgot that other world of pressure. I may well remind him of his real-life concerns in a way that this other woman doesn't. But to my mind, that's what made our relationship real: that we cared so much, and loved so well despite the pressures of reality. And that's what makes me doubt the veracity of what is between him and someone who has nothing at all to do with the reality of our world.

 

Well, much speculation, and that's really all I'm doing at this point. Thanks again for your reply. I hope your life is going well.

[SoleMate]

I understand there's is a lot attracting you to this guy. I personally find a lot that is repellent:

 

* His total selfish confusion about "what he wants" and "who he loves"

 

* His exposing his young son to his gf of a short duration

 

* His exposing his young son to ANY gf while he is still married

 

He may be a great intellectual in your mind, but to me he just sounds kind of...inept. And weakminded.

 

Also, the sex was great and you two never argued...because you never asked him for anything! He got his way all the time, so what was there to argue about? She may be a rebound. It's possible that he prefers to be with a woman who is easier to dominate intellectually. He sounds like he will not have an easy time committing to and sticking to any woman. I hope the waitress is not changing any life plans based on anything he is saying to her.

 

A final perspective: Always look for ACTIONS, not WORDS. (For instance, if this guy has completed his divorce, and made plenty of time for you early on.) If you want to be your future man's #1 and only, then don't get into a situation where you are EVER less than that. To avoid future heartbreak, make sure that you prospective SO is trustworthy and consistent before you fall head over heels for him.

 

He says that he truly values me and hopes we'll have a "deep friendship based on trust and affection"

Well, not with me he couldn't. After he yoyoed me like that, I'd be deeply suspicious and hurt.

[blindsided again]

Thanks for your feedback Solemate. You raise very good points, many of which my friends have been saying for the last month. It helps to hear from an objective observer, because my friends are my friends, and have been outraged on my behalf.

 

But I've realized that I can't stay in touch with this guy anymore, it creates too much pain and doubt in me. I sent him an email explaining that I needed to have time away from him because of my pain. It wasn't a mean or angry email, but I haven't had any response from him since sending it several days ago. Tells me he'll probably respect my wishes, which is good.

 

A final perspective: Always look for ACTIONS, not WORDS. (For instance, if this guy has completed his divorce, and made plenty of time for you early on.) If you want to be your future man's #1 and only, then don't get into a situation where you are EVER less than that. To avoid future heartbreak, make sure that you prospective SO is trustworthy and consistent before you fall head over heels for him.

 

This is very true. It's hard to hear this advice and apply it to yourself when you're in the midst of a relationship with someone. I really liked this guy, in fact I fell in love with him. So I had a lot of sympathy for the things he was going through, and I thought I could accommodate his situation, for the short-term anyway, even though it meant my own needs weren't really being met. That was a mistake. You can have reams of sympathy and appreciation for what someone is going through, but that never means you should completely abandon your own perspective, your own needs, just to facilitate a relationship. A relationship that exists because of endless one-sided compromises isn't a healthy relationship.

[SoleMate]

A relationship that exists because of endless one-sided compromises isn't a healthy relationship.

True. But many people posting on Loveshack haven't figured that out yet.

 

Seriously, I am so glad to hear that you have let your head get involved in this decision. I understand how those LOVE feelings can cause you to make almost any excuse for his behavior. So that's what friends and LS are for. Be strong, I am SURE there is a better one out there waiting for you, only to reveal himself when you are ready.