Guy led me on, but turns out he treats me as a dirty secret

[chicaD]

I've been going to this store for about 3 years now and like 2 years ago I met this guy who works there. He's always been flirty, but I didn't think he was serious at all. So I didn't show him I started growing feelings for him until lately. It appeared as if the both of us were getting closer than ever and it really seemed mutual. We were getting kinda romantic. He even said he missed me. But the other day I went there and found him laughing with a girl (kinda tomboyish). I don't mind that (people have the right to enjoy others' company). They were talking about cars and stuff (his car was there.) What disappointed me was that he acted as if he wanted to keep me a secret from her. She was obviously there only to talk to him because once I approached his cash register, she walked away towards the door (as in letting him get finished with the customer so they could continue their conversation when he was done with me) and it was just when she was moving in direction towards the door when he very hurriedly asked me how I was and randomly touched my hand. When she was coming back, he stopped giving me any kind of attention & continued with their conversation, and when I said "thanks" (for the product I had just bought from him), he didn't say anything back. Now I feel like a complete idiot, the most stupid person in the world. I don't want to go back there anymore. But I can't stop liking him even though I went through that humiliation (and I don't easily get attracted to any guys, so he really was starting to occupy a special place in my heart). How do I forget about him? Please, talk some sense into me!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Are you sure you actually dating....and not just in your mind?

[chicaD]

Not really. He comes from a very conservative culture where dating is not the norm and I'm not into dating anyways (I'm an introverted girl who takes very long to feel comfortable around someone so dating a guy I'm merely physically attracted to would not work for me. I prefer other ways to get to know people, and regularly going to his store did the job). We were getting to know each other for the past 2 years, and it seemed that we were getting closer and closer though.

[drr6]

Whoa.... put on the brakes sister.

 

So you exchanged some flirting with a guy whose job involves being sociable. Hard to tell how much of it was nothing more than being sociable. FWIW in these three years he hasn't asked you out. Sociable people exchange witty or flirty banter without there being some cosmic significance to it.

 

Then he has a conversation with another customer. Hard to tell what the nature of that conversation was. Certainly could just be friendly chit-chat.

 

Do you expect him not to not have a girlfriend? Let alone having conversations with other customers?

 

With all due respect, you are imagining things that do not exist: there is nothing so far beyond some chit-chat, and no leading on. The good news is once you realize this, you will find no reason to feel humiliation when he spoke with the other girl.

[drr6]

Ok. i see your second post now. But what exactly was humiliating about his conversation with another customer? About cars no less?

 

Do you expect him to stop the conversation and introduce you to the customer as his girlfriend?

[chicaD]

Ok. i see your second post now. But what exactly was humiliating about his conversation with another customer? About cars no less?

 

Do you expect him to stop the conversation and introduce you to the customer as his girlfriend?

 

No, THAT wasn't the problem. I would even mind if he liked that girl more than he likes me. After all, we cannot control anyone's feelings (not even our own). I wouldn't even mind to keep it as a crush as long as he respected me. But what bothered me was the realization that he felt the need to "hide" me. Why would he treat me like a dirty secret for that girl if I apparently meant something for him? It was the fact that he tried to hide me what made me see the red flags. Lol, I felt like a dirty secret, and that hasn't happened to me before. Even people who are only acquaintances/friends make notice of me if I go to their store when I'm a regular customer there. So I wasn't expecting that from a person whom I am a bit closer than that. Besides, his wasn't just flirty behavior. That was at the beginning, when I didn't take him that seriously. We were getting kinda romantic lately. He paid attention to every detail about me (my gestures and even my clothes) and always remembered the things I did or say during my previous visits to the store the next time I went. That's why it hurt me; because it felt like it was mutual, or at least that he respected me a lil bit.

Edited June 8, 2013 by chicaD

[Mrlonelyone]

I know what you mean. There are stores where I am a regular and flirt/chat a little with the person behind the counter. It gets to a point where it's more like they see you as a friend(ly acquaintance) who comes in, rather than a pure customer.

 

Anyway. If you haven't been on a date or interacted outside of the customer-cashier setting then this man did not lead you on. If you like him, and think you're both mature enough to do let him know.

 

Now in my experience it is more than likely that someone so sociable is taken, at least to some degree already.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The fact that you're introverted and take time to warm up to people is going to work in any mans favor that sticks around for a long period of time, gives you consistent amount of attention and sees you once in a blue moon or more.

 

Girls like you typically date friends or people they've gotten to know at a snails pace and then ever so slightly "transition" into like a pseudo-relationship mode with a love interest/friend.

 

Personally, very boring to me...however I understand where you are coming from and since you're likely very inexperienced with men due to this "procedure" where you slowly grow attachment and interest like a slow spreading fungus to someone over a period of time that you warm up to, you therefore invest way too much thought and have way too many hopes and expectations for someone you merely have an interest or crush on.

 

You don't know this guy, you don't know how someone is to date or in a relationship just by going to a store where a guy flirts with you and anyone else he likes that comes running through the door. Guys like that tend to crap where they eat and use it as an angle to chat up the ladies.

 

You're way too ahead of yourself, and this other girl that you're jealous of is probably the best thing that happened to him, because even though he probably didn't even notice it at all (other than realizing he was ignoring you)....you were paying attention and now have an heightened curiosity and interest...although you are introverted, you still fall for the same tricks as the wild child who warms up to anything with a penis and handsome face...as long as they're interested.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, you sound quite young and inexperienced...but if you like Mr. shopping store flirt, then you should probably flirt back...and give ole conservative casanova an opportunity to take you on a date.......two years from now. If he doesn't ask you out, then take it for what it is...he's just a flirt, don't start playing barbie playhouse and imagining your children together.

 

In the bigger picture this is child's play...all of this...but if you're young I understand, and this is normal for you to react to and feel this way, you've got to learn to show guys you're interested though by flirting back...I know you try to read their minds but guys aren't like that, they'll think about it for a little while then just assume you aren't interested if you don't give any good vibes back or they're just too chicken to ask you out, or just move on to the next thing.

 

Honestly though the guy just sounds like a guy who gets his kicks out of flirting with girls...if he's young then that's normal for some, he's just trying to get his feet wet too in the dating world. He might not have the most confidence in the world yet.

 

You're not necessarily a "dirty secret" he just wasn't putting his eggs in one basket. Unless he's bent you over the conveyer belt at the cash register, I'm not sure why you're so sensitive to this. You weren't really humiliated, he just played coy and acted like you were a nobody...which you're not even dating, a bit disrespectful if he's been bsing you with "romantical conversation" (yes i spelled that wrong on purpose) but still nonetheless...who do you think you are? what did you establish? what was communicated?

 

Nothing...so that's what you are, basically.

[drr6]

Still don't understand the "hiding you like a secret" part? He is running a store and chatting with different people throughout the day.

 

Let's try it this way: what would you have liked for him to do in that situation?

[chicaD]

Well, I'll admit I put that title to get some responses.

 

But still, it hurt me to be ignored that way by him when not even my acquaintances do that. And the way he touched my hand was as if he were saying (come, take this and go!) But it's not that I was really expecting much from this: a relationship. I work and study and don't have much time left, and in his culture they don't date (they get arranged marriages and some even believe dating before marriage is immoral). Besides, he spends most of his time working the overnight shift (he works 12+ hours a day and takes 2 hours commuting from and to work.)

Edited June 8, 2013 by chicaD

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, I'll admit I put that title to get some responses.

 

But still, it hurt me to be ignored that way by him when not even my acquaintances do that. And the way he touched my hand was as if he were saying (come, take this and go!) But it's not that I was really expecting much from this: a relationship. I work and study and don't have much time left, and in his culture they don't date (they get arranged marriages and some even believe dating before marriage is immoral). Besides, he spends most of his time working the overnight shift (he works 12+ hours a day and takes 2 hours commuting from and to work.)

 

He sounds pretty screwed to me.

 

You'll get over this though.

[Queenie42]

I'm sorry to break it to you, darling, but it doesn't sound as if the two of you were an item.

 

I'm a supermarket checkout chick myself and I've had this happen to me. I'm friendly with all of my customers, but it gets lonely when every conversation you have in a nine hour shift lasts only about 90 seconds. So of course I have favourites who come through my register every week or who are just especially good and friendly customers. But in three years I've never arranged to meet up with any of them outside of work and I don't know any of their names. That's about as far as the customer/teller relationship goes: I know they're gluten intolerant, and they know I'm good at packing bags neatly. But we're not friends.

 

And I've also had friends, teachers, and neighbours stop by to chat while they're doing their shopping. Which is fine while it's a quiet day at work, but the customer has to come first. He wasn't going to introduce you to his friend, because as far as he knows you're just a customer whose time he didn't want to waste by introducing you to random strangers. Now I'm sure he does respect you, and it sounds as if you're one of his favourite customers, but that's just it... you're a customer, not a friend.

 

That's not to say you can't become a friend or even a girlfriend, but you have to tell him that you want to see him outside of your customer/teller relationship. Just ask him out for a coffee or something, see if you can be friends outside of that environment. Problem is, if, as you say, you're not into dating and he's fundamentally against it, that's not especially likely to happen.

[drr6]

"Let's try it this way: what would you like for him to have done in that situation?"

[chicaD]

Still don't understand the "hiding you like a secret" part? He is running a store and chatting with different people throughout the day.

 

Let's try it this way: what would you have liked for him to do in that situation?

 

He made sure she didn't notice he treats me as more than a stranger. Remember that he rushed to greet me and touch my hand only when she was giving us her back while moving towards the door. When she turned her head, he completely dismiss me. That was completely unusual for me, because I see he doesn't usually say anything to most customers, and whenever I go, he doesn't mind anyone else's presence and always gives me special attention regardless of the people around.

[chicaD]

Ninjainpajamas,

 

You've been a bit rough there. But that was definitely what I needed. Thanks!

[chicaD]

"Let's try it this way: what would you like for him to have done in that situation?"

 

He made sure she didn't notice he treats me as more than a stranger. Remember that he rushed to greet me and touch my hand only when she was giving us her back while moving towards the door. When she turned her head, he completely dismiss me even though he wasn't even done with my items. That was completely unusual for me, because I see he doesn't usually say anything to most customers, and whenever I go, he doesn't mind anyone else's presence and always gives me special attention regardless of the people around. And even if he hadn't given me any special treatment this time, it hurt to see how he deliberately made sure someone didn't notice I was more than nothing. Not even people who are only acquaintances in other stores where I go regularly have ever done that to me.

[drr6]

I don't want to be mean as you seem rather young and sheltered, but...

 

Your perspective is rather immature, entitled and quite divorced from the real world.

 

Socialize a bit more to understand better human interaction.

[KatZee]

That was completely unusual for me, because I see he doesn't usually say anything to most customers, and whenever I go, he doesn't mind anyone else's presence and always gives me special attention regardless of the people around.

 

Sounds like you've had an acquaintance for the past 3 years, nothing more. You guys aren't dating, you're not together, he's not interested in you as more than a frequent and regular customer. If at any point in 3 years he was interested, you'd know. He'd ask you out. Ask for your number and talk to you outside of working hours.

 

From reading this, it sounds like none of that is even happening.

 

 

That girl is probably someone he's romantically interested in, and it's why he virtually ignored your presence. If he's trying to court her, and date her, he's obviously not going to ignore her, and focus on you. He wants her to feel comfortable and to know that he's into HER and no one else, and that she has no competition.

 

You should probably work on your introversion. If you like someone so much, make it known. Who knows, maybe you guys could have dated in the past... but this whole years long platonic thing... you're def in the friend zone.

[chicaD]

I'm sorry to break it to you, darling, but it doesn't sound as if the two of you were an item.

 

I'm a supermarket checkout chick myself and I've had this happen to me. I'm friendly with all of my customers, but it gets lonely when every conversation you have in a nine hour shift lasts only about 90 seconds. So of course I have favourites who come through my register every week or who are just especially good and friendly customers. But in three years I've never arranged to meet up with any of them outside of work and I don't know any of their names. That's about as far as the customer/teller relationship goes: I know they're gluten intolerant, and they know I'm good at packing bags neatly. But we're not friends.

 

And I've also had friends, teachers, and neighbours stop by to chat while they're doing their shopping. Which is fine while it's a quiet day at work, but the customer has to come first. He wasn't going to introduce you to his friend, because as far as he knows you're just a customer whose time he didn't want to waste by introducing you to random strangers. Now I'm sure he does respect you, and it sounds as if you're one of his favourite customers, but that's just it... you're a customer, not a friend.

 

That's not to say you can't become a friend or even a girlfriend, but you have to tell him that you want to see him outside of your customer/teller relationship. Just ask him out for a coffee or something, see if you can be friends outside of that environment. Problem is, if, as you say, you're not into dating and he's fundamentally against it, that's not especially likely to happen.

 

Thanks for letting me know your point of view, queenie. I understand your point, and I may very well be only one of his favorites customers only. (But the way we treat each other is not that of only a mere teller-customer relationship. He has even made a couple jealousy shows.) But that still doesn't explain why he acted the way he did. He wasn't trying not to waste the time of a stranger (who may as well be a "favorite customer"). He was deliberately making sure the girl didn't notice I was more than only a stranger, which would still be pretty weird if I was "one of his favorite customers." That behavior even begs the question, "am I even a person he enjoys having as a customer AND RESPECTS? Or he only sees me as a scoring piece he's been objetifying?"

[KatZee]

That behavior even begs the question, "am I even a person he enjoys having as a customer AND RESPECTS? Or he only sees me as a scoring piece he's been objetifying?"

 

I truly believe you think there is more to what you guys "have" than what's actually real.

 

1. Do you talk outside of him working? Does he have your number?

2. Has he ever asked you to hang out, outside his place of employment?

 

 

If the answer is "no" to both of these questions... he's not trying to score with you. You're not something he's "objectifying." You're a customer he sees on a regular basis. That's IT. He's friendly b/c he sees you frequently, but if he's never put forth the effort to be an ACTUAL friend, then he's NOT.

[chicaD]

That girl is probably someone he's romantically interested in, and it's why he virtually ignored your presence. If he's trying to court her, and date her, he's obviously not going to ignore her, and focus on you. He wants her to feel comfortable and to know that he's into HER and no one else, and that she has no competition.

 

You might have a point there. But the girl was very tomboyish and their conversation was not romantic at all. But I'm not the one to judge the nature of anyone's relationship, so who knows.

 

But I lately asked him if he has anyone, and he told me he hasn't. And as I said, in his culture they DON'T date (so there are very high chances he is not used to go asking for a phone number and dating. I've researched and I'm very acquainted with his culture and even the ones who are here and get involved in relationships with girls from other cultures were not very quick to make a move because they are simply not used to it. And he has come to the states just a couple years ago). And from his words, it seems that he doesn't have the time to do it (he works way too much and his family gets informed about everything they do). So don't assume every person is so straightforward like Americans in the dating world. Not even in my original culture we do it like that.

Edited June 9, 2013 by chicaD

[chicaD]

I don't want to be mean as you seem rather young and sheltered, but...

 

Your perspective is rather immature, entitled and quite divorced from the real world.

 

Socialize a bit more to understand better human interaction.

 

 

No, it's fine. Tell me what you mean by that though.

[RedRobin]

You might have a point there. But the girl was very tomboyish and their conversation was not romantic at all. But I'm not the one to judge the nature of anyone's relationship, so who knows.

 

But I lately asked him if he has anyone, and he told me he hasn't. And as I said, in his culture they DON'T date (so there are very high chances he is not used to go asking for a phone number and dating. I've researched and I'm very acquainted with his culture and even the ones who are here and get involved in relationships with girls from other cultures were not very quick to make a move because they are simply not used to it. And he has come to the states just a couple years ago). And from his words, it seems that he doesn't have the time to do it (he works way too much and his family gets informed about everything they do). So don't assume every person is so straightforward like Americans in the dating world. Not even in my original culture we do it like that.

 

Not sure how old either of you are... but if you are both from conservative cultures, is there a possibility his family expects him to have an arranged marriage when the time is right?

 

I ask because I've worked in large multinational corporations with people from all over the world... and worked closely with men who have this tradition. They will flirt and play with 'dating'... and may even date or sleep with women if they are sure they can keep it a secret from the family... but when the time comes... it will have to go through the family or they already have someone lined up back home.

 

In my younger years, I remember an architect who was quite the playboy... but when he wanted to get married, he called up la familia and they arranged an interview with a very nice virgin for him to marry. A couple of phone calls where he screened her on their lifestyle and his sexual preferences... and a chaperoned meeting or two. wha-la... married.

Edited June 9, 2013 by RedRobin

[chicaD]

Not sure how old either of you are... but if you are both from conservative cultures, is there a possibility his family expects him to have an arranged marriage when the time is right?

 

I ask because I've worked in large multinational corporations with people from all over the world... and worked closely with men who have this tradition. They will flirt and play with 'dating'... and may even date or sleep with women if they are sure they can keep it a secret from the family... but when the time comes... it will have to go through the family or they already have someone lined up back home.

 

We both are in our early twenties.

 

My culture is not very conservative at all. But we definitely have a different way to get to meet potential partners in my country, with people usually having met their spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends within their social circles (be it neighborhoods, schools, family acquaintances, etc.) so adding my introverted personality, that makes it especially difficult for me to get to know guys the American way.

 

But going back to your question, yes, he indeed comes from a culture where save for a few westernized cities in his country, dating is a concept that simply does NOT exist (and even for me is a relatively new concept) as they don't have much interaction with the opposite sex until they get arranged marriages. And he has come to the states just a couple years ago, so I don't expect him to be very different from what I described above. I would even dare to say his view of me has changed a lot over the past 2- years. He basically wanted to treat me as an "easy girl" from the very beginning (which I didn't give a cr*p about since he was only a person I was only a customer of and I couldn't care less about whatever prejudice he might have had as long as he served my needs as a customer), but over time has become more respectful and considerate with me, showing a lot of interest and affection, and I slowly grew some feelings for him. He seemed to care for me. He even adjusted behaviors as soon as I showed they upset me. He seemed to go out of his way to keep me happy and was very observant of anything I did or say. So, after researching his culture (and reading about the thousands of stories where men from his country, yet under different life circumstances get involved with girls from less conservative cultures just to dump them when they have to go arranged), I came to the realization that I wouldn't mind having a relationship with him until marriage do us apart, as long as both are serious about each other in the time being. After all, even though I-look-like-people-from-his-country-, have-most-of-the-qualities-they-consider-to-be-of-a-"good girl",- and-several-girls-from-my-country-have-successfully-married-guys-from-his-country-with-no-much-objection-from-the-guys'-families-because-apparently-we-have-similar-"family values," the way they subject women to evaluate their worthiness is somewhat I find goes completely against my beliefs and I by no means would gladly "adhere" to. So marriage was not precisely what I had in mind anyways. But the behavior he displayed the other day came as a shock to me.

Edited June 9, 2013 by chicaD

[esteem-jam]

So, from now on- will you still go to that store?

I think you shouldnt, at least I know I wouldnt. I stop going to stores where I think things start getting strange =)

 

PS

I have/had a Situation like yours.