10 months since breakup, Life isn't worth living

[systemfailure]

Hi Everyone. I have been reading these forums since shortly after my ex broke up with me last August but i have never posted. Its been more than 10 months since she broke up with me and i haven't gotten better, the only change I have had is i have gotten used to living with the constant pain and am able to handle it better.

 

We dated for a year and a half. I will spare you the details of the relationship both because there is way too much to say and because the meaningfulness of my story will mean little to you. just know that from the very beginning we were deeply in love and as close in every way as two people can possibly be, spending every possible second together for 1.5 years.

 

Before i met her i never could have imagined meeting someone so perfect. i had always dreamed of having a soulmate like her but never really believed it would happen. When I did i was the happiest i had ever been. Now that she's gone I feel like i have nothing to live for. I have known for some time now that she will never come back, but i cant fathom living the rest of my life without her. I know I will never find anyone as incredible as she was. Especially now, as I have no interest in other girls.. even when i see girls that others think are beautiful i can only compare them to my ex and they always come up short no matter how hot they are. i also get filled with panic at the thought that I lost the most perfect one for me... the only one for me. my self esteem is at an extreme low and i don't know what to do. I think about suicide less often now than months gone by but every once in a while I feel the almost overwhelming urge to kill myself and end the pain that i have been constantly living with for so damn long. my life is just pain, it is completely void of happiness and i am afraid it will be like this forever. there is no end in sight.

 

I dont know what to do anymore, i have done everything i can. therapy twice a week for 7 months, gym nearly everyday for 10 months. since the breakup i have graduated college, moved to san diego. I hang out with my friends as much as i can, but i haven't had any interaction with other girls. I don't know how anyone can help me and Im sorry for the rambling post, there is just too much to say and i cant say it all. anyways, thanks to whoever reads this, getting some feedback will help.

[frederickkk]

I am in exactly the same position.

 

If they loved us, then why leave us? They never loved us in the first place.

[eucalyptus]

I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. Please know that there are many others on this site with similar stories and pain levels. The bottom line is that life is always worth living. An illustration of this was the high that you felt during your previous relationship. This high will come again! You just need to be patient with yourself and allow the grieving process to take it's course. There are no specific rules or time lines with this and you are bound to have set backs. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things (therapy, gym, etc), so keep it up, and again, JUST BE PATIENT WITH THIS PROCESS. Please know that life is often about baby steps. The silver lining here is that you have the ability to love deeply. This is not to be taken for granted as not everyone has that ability. You will love like this again. It may be a totally different type of situation, but your experience will be better, and this break up will make you a wiser and better mate. If you run through some rough patches during your journey, do whatever it takes (suicide help lines, love shack posts, talks with family and friends, etc) to get through this day by day. The individual stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) do not have specific time limits and are highly situational. I wish you the best in your recovery and hope that you always give your life and well being the benefit of the doubt. Stay strong.

[Jono85]

just know that from the very beginning we were deeply in love and as close in every way as two people can possibly be, spending every possible second together for 1.5 years.

 

 

Before i met her i never could have imagined meeting someone so perfect.

i had always dreamed of having a soulmate like her but never really believed it would happen. When I did i was the happiest i had ever been.

 

like the previous posters said, you are not alone with many of these feelings, and most importantly, she was NOT your "soulmate" (i have issues with that term personally b/c i don't think there is any ONE soulmate...that's fairytale stuff). if she left and is content with not spending the rest of her life with you, she's really not worthy of all these things you're saying. that's pretty much all there is to it. you can't see it that way now, understandibly, b/c you're still in pain. I'm about a year out right now, and it's only now starting to get better and I'm developing other crushes and realizing that I WILL feel that way about other girls, trust me on that. I haven't found one to stick yet, but that takes time.

 

Point is, sure, up to this point she was the best you've had. But she simply wasn't that great for the simple fact that she was done after 1.5 years. Everything else is fluff. Fluff that is hard to get over mind you, and kills your self-esteem/ego, but still fluff. She wasn't marriage material; that would require the person to actually want to stick it out, THROUGH THICK AND THIN (that means when things get tough, they don't just jump ship). Both of our exes have done that, so unfortunately, we have to reach acceptance that they weren't the right ones for us.

 

IF you keep doing your due dilligence in healing (avoiding EVERYTHING to do with her, social media, pictures, everything...and keep focusing on yourself and betterment) there will be a time you'll start really enjoying meeting new women and even falling for them. But you won't get there if you don't do everything in your power to leave the past in the past. Nor will you get there if you don't take chances and get out there and meet new people. I didn't and still don't think I'm ready to date yet, but this past weekend I met an awesome chick, that I could totally see myself dating. I've been thinking about her all weekend, and haven't even thought about my ex hardly at all. It gets better man.