Getting over the past and effects that past left on me

[Cosmic Ray]

This is a little tricky for me, because I'll have to talk about past which was everything but nice, but I need to fix this once and for all....

 

My first memory i have is my father beating up my mother and my two older brothers. My father was chronical alcoholic full of insecurities which he would "heal" on my mother. She had her nose broken God knows how many times, most of her teeth smashed, many times full of bruices and with black eyes.... That was lasting for years and ended when my oldest brother tried to kill my father and during this he stubbed me in my leg with bayonete knife (35cm long military knife). I was 7,5 years old at that time. I almost lost my leg. I was recovering for more than 6 months, but unfortunetly I had to go again 2nd grade as I was missing whole 2nd semester. Now I am 30 and struggling with the life in some other way, but that's another story.

 

That was the breaking point for my mother and she divorced my father. By that time, SFRJ broke up, war happened and my father went to war. 4 years later he got killed in an ambush. I was 13 when that happened.

 

To make long story short, that affected me a lot, by making me very emotional and insecure and putted me to the situation where I am looking at women as someone who is suffering just by being weaker gender and women and that I should not do anything to hurt them, by any action or word. As you can guess, I am not very lucky in my love life and because of this I am probably labelled as weak, beta male and a nice guy, not because I am. Girls don't need and have to know my sad life story and what is making me the way I am, but also made my love life very unfortunate... Everything that he was and he was doing I am doing the opposite. I don't drink, I am not chauvinist and I am treating the women with care.

 

I would like some suggestions how to improve myself, how to disconnect myself from my past as it's making a havoc in my love life and just when I thought I have found the right person for me where everything was there I got "I cannot give you more than a friendship" line again...

[Cosmic Ray]

Anyone? Anything?

[FitChick]

When you are a little kid, you are powerless to protect women, but when you grow up you will be able to.

 

Your father drank to excess but you don't.

 

Your father didn't like having kids and felt trapped. You don't have kids.

 

Your mother stayed because she had kids. You don't have kids.

 

A child cannot run away but you can because you are an adult and can do as you please.

 

Women today are more independent than your mother was and are able to take care of themselves. They don't need you to protect them.

 

Your father is dead and you are free.

[PogoStick]

Start seeing a therapist weekly who specializes in family/childhood trauma. You should consider it mandatory if you are serious about moving forward.

[freestyle]

This is a little tricky for me, because I'll have to talk about past which was everything but nice, but I need to fix this once and for all....

 

 

 

I would like some suggestions how to improve myself, how to disconnect myself from my past as it's making a havoc in my love life and just when I thought I have found the right person for me where everything was there I got "I cannot give you more than a friendship" line again...

 

It IS fixable, but it's not an overnight decision, it's a process.

Having to witness that much violence as a child was a form of abuse--

 

You were forced to live in terror (The Invisible Fist)(toe the line, or ELSE, this will happen to you, too!)

 

Being scarred by that is nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn't your fault.

 

The fact that you recognized how messed up it was, and decided you would never behave that way yourself, is evidence of your inner strength.

 

There are so many children of abusers who go on to repeat the cycle with their own children/spouses.

 

It takes wisdom , and courage to stand up, and say, 'The cycle stops HERE, with me."

 

I'd like to suggest reading up on Adult Children of Alcoholics, and/or Adult Children of Abuse---you may get a lot of useful information, to understand your own psychological makeup, and how it 's been affected by your childhood.

 

It seems to me like you're hoping to sweep it all under the rug--which; from my own experience, just leaves you trying to keep your balance on a lumpy rug. The childhood stuff will re-surface, if it's not dealt with.

 

The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

 

Adults Surviving Child Abuse: Types of child abuse

 

My belief is that the only way to "get over it" is to go through it, first.

 

I wish you my best, and I'm very sorry you had to witness that kind of violence as a child.

[jphcbpa]

therapist and alanon is a great start. agree, this is a journey and will take time to heal and process. it starts with you to end a cycle that perhaps your father was modeling from his parents.

[freestyle]

Here's another article that might be helpful:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew

 

An excerpt:

 

Thirteen characteristics of adult children of alcoholics Janet Geringer Woititz, widely acknowledged as the founder of the Adult Children of Alcoholics movement, lists 13 traits to look for.

These individuals:

 

1. Can only guess what normal behavior is
   
2. Have difficulty following a project from beginning to end
   
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
   
4. Judge themselves without mercy
   
5. Have difficulty having fun
   
6. Take themselves very seriously
   
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships
   
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control
   
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation
   
10. Usually feel that they are different from other people
    
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible—there's no middle ground
    
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
    
13. Are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
    

[Cosmic Ray]

My family, my mom, my brothers and me were for years living in terror and were, emotionally, physically and psychically abused by my alcoholic psycopatic father . I finally named things with its true name... You, people, are not realizing how much you helped me to realize some things. Now it is everything where it should be like in one big mozaic where the last situation with that girl was actually a trigger for me and I am finally able to look at everything from a different point of view.

 

Holy Christ I was a prisoner of my fears and was sabotaging myself on my way to happiness in order to avoid situations where I could act like my father, like with love life and family life...

 

You people, with your time and your support helped me to realize what actually happened to me and my family and how all of that affected us... NOw it's a long process in front of me, but at least I am free from my illusions...

 

One more thing, should this girl who was actually a trigger, who is still very dear to me and with whom i am still in contact and for whom i knew its going to have major role and impact in and on my life from the very beginning should know this? SHould I tell her?Her appearing in my life, her personality and the energy i felt from the very first hello when I started to realize that something is going on independently from her, in this very specific moment made me to look at things differently, she basically saved me just by coming to my life... . It's feeling which is very weird and hard for me to explain...

 

Thank you all A LOT!!!!!

Edited June 11, 2013 by Cosmic Ray

[freestyle]

One more thing, should this girl who was actually a trigger, who is still very dear to me and with whom i am still in contact and for whom i knew its going to have major role and impact in and on my life from the very beginning should know this? SHould I tell her?Her appearing in my life, her personality and the energy i felt from the very first hello when I started to realize that something is going on independently from her, in this very specific moment made me to look at things differently, she basically saved me just by coming to my life... . It's feeling which is very weird and hard for me to explain...

 

Thank you all A LOT!!!!!

 

 

You're quite welcome, Cosmic Ray. (great name, BTW.... )

 

Facing stuff, instead of rug-sweeping, is an amazing, and empowering journey, but it's a long & difficult process. It will also involve grieving the kind of family life you should have had, and learning to re-parent yourself.

 

One of the things those of us who grew up in those types of households struggles with, is feeling safe while expressing our emotions, whatever they may be....

 

For example,we can be very frightened of anger, because we witnessed out of control anger.

That doesn't mean anger is a "bad", or "negative" emotion--it's an indicator that our boundaries are being crossed. And it can be a mobilizing force for positive change, when properly reigned, and channeled.

 

I still have a knee-jerk reaction of cringing, when I hear a voice raised in anger. (because that usually preceded a beating in my house) I react in fear.

 

Now that I'm aware of how I react--even though the knee-jerk cringe happens, it no longer affects how I decide to respond to a raised voice.

Now, I simply put my hand up , and state my boundary about it:

 

"I will not discuss anything with you, when you raise your voice to me, so I'm going to walk away until things are calmer....We can continue this discussion another time..."

 

Before I learned about my reactions, & boundaries---I would've shut my mouth (out of fear) and simmered with resentment. (effectively only hurting myself)

 

 

I shared this to illustrate how learning healthy boundaries, and understanding how we react to conflict, can improve our relationships...

Knowing how abuse affected our wiring is how we overcome it.

 

 

As far as telling your friend? I don't know enough about her, or your situation with her, to make an educated guess at how she would react to you telling her how much she's impacted you.

 

Considering that she recently gave you the "just friends" speech--it may come across as overwhelming to her. Try putting yourself in her shoes for a awhile, and imagine how you would feel about someone saying that to you.

You can thank her certainly, but putting her on too high of a pedestal, may be uncomfortable for her.

 

Keep posting as you need to--there's a lot of kind, and empathetic souls here. You might not always get responses overnight, but I'm confident that there will be insight & advice worth waiting for.

[Cosmic Ray]

Private messaging is not possible on Loveshack?

[freestyle]

Private messaging is not possible on Loveshack?

 

 

Not until you become an established member---50 posts, or a certain amount of time here.

[Cosmic Ray]

Not until you become an established member---50 posts, or a certain amount of time here.

 

Aha, thank you . I'll try to reach that as soon as possible .

[todreaminblue]

hey cosmic ray, talking about trauma releases it ...helping others or attendign groups with other survivors of childhood trauma helps....it is staggering actually how many people i have come across who have experienced trauma or are going through trauma.......i have on here and in real life opened up about my childhood to people who have needed to feel they arent alone ...they seem to find me and knock on green door too....:0)....i have hugged many survivors adn they move on and away ....i have good memories of stories shared...tears and smiles.....

 

i opened up on here and there are two things i know.......one is finding people who understand and believe you is a god send.......when you find people who dont understadn or deny what you have done or been or seen..... it can rock you.....isolates you,puts you back right in the middle of that trauma doubting what you know...... confused......alone..... feels like you have to face it by yourself..you dotn there are many groups adn compassionate therapists outside of thsi site.......i am replying to let you know ......

 

 

you have company my friend.......many on this board have experienced it........it sucks....but we survived........and we survived i believe for many reasons...one of those reasons is to reach out to others to set up a support network of warmth and understanding of true compassionate empathy...invisible hugs and hands on possible healing from many on here ...typing away...smilin atcha.......i am not going to repeat my story over yours...when you have pm privildges we can chat......share some hope......some dreams.....some stories....not to get us down but to help us step and out away from them...and we do move on from them....i wish you love aend happiness...hugs to ya...deb

[thatone]

 

One more thing, should this girl who was actually a trigger, who is still very dear to me and with whom i am still in contact and for whom i knew its going to have major role and impact in and on my life from the very beginning should know this? SHould I tell her?Her appearing in my life, her personality and the energy i felt from the very first hello when I started to realize that something is going on independently from her, in this very specific moment made me to look at things differently, she basically saved me just by coming to my life... . It's feeling which is very weird and hard for me to explain...

 

Thank you all A LOT!!!!!

 

You mean this girl?

 

 

 

I would like some suggestions how to improve myself, how to disconnect myself from my past as it's making a havoc in my love life and just when I thought I have found the right person for me where everything was there I got "I cannot give you more than a friendship" line again...

 

No, she is not some magical princess who has done you a great favor. She's just like a million more women. Whatever you do with the rest of your issues, you need to stop getting attached to women who are not attached to you. She is not going to have any impact in your life. She doesn't want you, and said so in as polite a way as possible. You need to learn to walk away. She's not your mother she doesn't need protecting, and you're not her boyfriend, so you are not going to get anything out of further contact with her other than grief.

 

Just because you feel a certain way about another person, does not mean they feel the same way about you.

 

Bolded to put as much emphasis as I can on that, because so many people fail to grasp it so many times.

Edited June 12, 2013 by thatone

[todreaminblue]

I agree with poster that one......

 

 

i thought your major concern was moving on from your past and acceptance not in regards to not being friend zoned......i didn't get the gist in the post it was to date a woman.....until your past is part of you accepting who you are, and where you have been, you wont connect with a woman in the right way..you have to be able to understand who you are before another can understand and get you and then have a positive successful relationship in the process..........

 

 

you have written more about your past and what you find hard to deal with........

 

 

you arent connecting and having success because you are not ready to connect just yet...you will be with time and a bit of tlc to yourself...but you have to rely on you, to save you ......

 

 

my faith i am here for a reason saved me...not some guy i have yet to meet or have met.....i do believe god puts people in your path to help you through rough times....god guides and then we have to work.......if they are meant to be in our lives they stay ....if they are not .....they leave

 

there is no woman who can save you.....thats up to you and some faith with listening to your heart.......be your own best friend....get used to enjoying time alone....do what you love...

 

 

firstly though...love who you are.....celebrate all the good qualities you have....and then you will find someone who wants to celebrate and share those good qualities with you ...but you need to work on letting go of your past ....before you can holds hands with your future...if that is to be the hand of a woman who truly loves you for you...its worth working for with patience and acceptance....deb

[Cosmic Ray]

First of all, I want to thank you for your time and support . I have been feeling enlightened after I talked to all of you. I accepted the truth I was putting deep inside myself which i was protecting with sort of aurora of self-denying and was trapped inside that all this time, all these years...

 

Why is she so important to me? Well, since first contact I felt mutual understanding and connection which I have not felt for many years. I sensed something strange about her... I am not sure I can explain the feeling. A month before I met her I was thinking of putting an end to everything. I even wrote farewell letter for my family and friends. But, then, I realized that I am stronger than all of that confusion, fears and hopelessness (I am not allowed to work in my country in my proffession because my father had criminal record and me, as his son, are not allowed by security checkings and law to work in security system for which I was studying for- Civil protection and protection of environment is my proffession). That girl entered my life a month later when I started to think about the roots of my unhappiness and why I am not allowing myself to be happy. All that with her was a trigger to try to understand why, even when there are obvious signs that there IS a simpathy and the likening (my best female friend told me it was obvious by certain things she noticed at one occasion) I am looking for "reasons" why I should not enjoy the moment and instead of that I was feeling anxious about the future. I was sabotaging myself like many other times in the past. That could be any other girl, but she is the one who, with her positivity, her energy she is carrying withing herself (we met over one NGO where I started to be an activist after more than 10 years and we are working with the children and youth impeded in development, this should tell you something) showed me that I could allow to myself to be happy. But, I have found my own ways of sabotaging myself...again... I am leaving to Russia to work in a month or so for at least 6 months period and I did not want to allow to myself to fall for any girl, instead to take a boat and enjoy the ride. When I had a chance, I did not use it. I blew it, missed escalation window with her... maybe i have done everything to miss it even i felt the moment, like i wanted to disappoint her rather than to hurt her in any possible way. I do not believe in destiny, but astronomy is my huge passion so I am inklined to think that some sort of energy is existing within all of us and under right circumstances we are able to feel it. I do not believe in accidents. She has no bloody idea what she has done to me just by walking into my life now. I do not think about her as some princess, nor I think she came to rescue me. I have had a few very nice relationships, but they all ended after a few months and I was never able fully to open and show myself, I had a fear of showing emotions in the right way. She is someone who can leave my life tomorrow and never to come again, or someone who could stay in my life until the moment I die and I am fine with both outcomes, but she has affected me in the way no women before ever had and I was curious should I tell her that, or just to show her gratitude and that I am being thankful for that.

 

Edited June 12, 2013 by Cosmic Ray

[thatone]

Yeah but she doesn't feel the same thing about you. It is generally not a good idea to hang around with people you are attracted to that have rejected you. All that accomplishes is keeping you distracted from other women you might have better luck with.

[Cosmic Ray]

Yeah but she doesn't feel the same thing about you. It is generally not a good idea to hang around with people you are attracted to that have rejected you. All that accomplishes is keeping you distracted from other women you might have better luck with.

 

Yes, I agree, it's an uhealthy relationship. But I did not grow strong feelings for her and I have no troubles being in her vicinity . Also, I am going to be away from the country for 6 months and I just want to enjoy my time before I leave . We are connected on some other ways other than emotional and I like the depth of conversations I am able to have with her. Let's say that we agreed that we did not find each other in the right moments of our lives and what future is holding no one of us know. I have to learn now not to feel anxious about that fact like I used to be and to just enjoy the ride .

[Cosmic Ray]

I had my first psychoterapy session and it felt great . I am finally getting over my past and my deamons and it is such relieving feeling :).