I told the BS... and this is the result.

[WakingUp]

I really need to post my story now... and I am hoping it will bring me some clarity, as I am really confused right now.

 

I worked with MM for four years, very closely, and a friendship grew, but in my mind that is all it was. Certainly no boundaries were crossed in that time.

 

When I left that job we began an affair. Usual stuff, very intense, lots of ILYs, but a total rollercoaster of emotions. The affair has been four and half years now. So I have known him for eight and a half years.

 

I have tried many times to end it. A year and a half ago I really lost it and said I just couldn't do it anymore, and I meant it. He claimed that he couldn't bear to lose me, and he would end his 30 year marriage and we would be together. In my mind I gave him twelve months to get this organised. But, in the back of my head I always thought "I will believe it when I see it". Needless to say he couldn't do it.

 

Well, at the twelve month deadline I wanted out. I was consumed by the craziness of it all. That was earlier this year. I was so tired of the deceit and lies. I told his BW and walked away. My reasons were varied... I wanted her to know the truth. I wanted them to work on their M and I wanted my life and integrity back. I wanted to apologise to her before it all blew up and I wouldn't get the chance. I wanted him to own his behaviour.

 

Well it hasn't worked out the way I thought it would. He told her that he wasn't going to leave her, but that he loved me and would continue to see me. I don't know what is going on here! I feel obligated to him for not throwing me under the bus, I feel totally stuck in a situation I don't want, I hate what this is doing to her, I hate what its doing to him, and I cant seem to think straight about any of it. And me... I am just totally confused. In some ways it would have been better to have been thrown under the bus. That's what I expected.

 

I would love to hear some thoughts about what is going on! And please, I know he is cake eating, that I am a wicked witch, and that she is being treated cruelly. But if you feel the need to remind me then that's up to you. But some constructive advice is really needed too.

 

And Im sorry if Im rambling.

[WakingUp]

And just to clarify... I am a long time divorced. I have teenagers. And there isn't a big age difference.

[eleanorrigby]

I'm embarrassed to say that after d-day my husband tried something like your MM. He thought he would just transition the three of us into some sort of sister wives situation. Married to me but free to date her. (oh but I was supposed to only be with him.. yeah RIGHT. If it's open it better be open on both sides mother-jumper!!)

 

She wasn't having it and once I woke up from my shock I wasn't having it.

I lost my ever loving shyte on him and he had to make a choice.

 

One of you needs to go bat shyte crazy on him and make him end this madness or walk away.

[threelaurels]

How did his BS react to being told that he didn't want to leave her but also wanted to continue seeing you?

 

At this point, he has put his cards on the table. He isn't willing to let her nor you go. He wants the arrangement to stay exactly as it is. You say you are unhappy with this arrangement, and I assume you want to be his only relationship. If you can't accept not being the only woman in his life, you need to leave for your own sanity.

 

He isn't going to willingly leave her. She might leave him, but a man who finds himself capable of sustaining two long-term relationships with different women most likely isn't made for monogamy. If his wife leaves and you stay with him, there is no guarantee that he won't seek out another relationship. It sounds like he needs more than one woman to fulfil his needs. If you are okay with that, you might consider opening up the relationship or being polyamorous.

[HonestNeurotic]

Walk away. If you want him for only yourself, then walk away. If you are okay with sharing him, then I guess you continue on, but that's not what I am hearing you say. I am hearing that you kinda feel OBLIGATED because ???

 

Like - his wife knows so he can just continue on and have his wife take care of his home and you are fun time when he gets around to it? Not pointing fingers of blame and evil - but is that what you want? That's the question you need to ask yourself - find the answer to.

 

The way your post reads - it sounds as if you were/are over it all and didn't want to continue - especially as he did not live up to his promise to you. I have a hard time when someone breaks a promise to me. I can forgive, but never forget, and I don't look back. Done.

 

It sounds like he's not going to do what you need him to do - and you will further your own pain by backing down from what you desire for yourself. Stay strong in your resolve.

[Journee]

Hey WakingUp,

 

 

I read how the MM feels but what do you want? Are you angry with him? Are you considering continuing in this arrangement? Have you had any further conversations with the BS?

 

BTW, I hope you are alright. Sounds like a lot to have to shoulder.

[WakingUp]

Interestingly, we were discussing things the other day.

 

I said "I don't know why she puts up with it" (Meaning BW).

 

Then a lightbulb moment... "Why on earth am I putting up with it?".

 

She obviously has a lot more to lose. And I am in this voluntarily! Good grief I must be insane.

 

I don't want to be someone's extra, no. I deserve much more.

 

Please help me get to the other side!

[WakingUp]

Hey WakingUp,

 

 

I read how the MM feels but what do you want? Are you angry with him? Are you considering continuing in this arrangement? Have you had any further conversations with the BS?

 

BTW, I hope you are alright. Sounds like a lot to have to shoulder.

 

I am angry with him. I am angry that he thinks that BW and I will be OK with this. That once we all get used to it, life will be just lovely.

 

And mostly I am just getting on with my life outside of seeing him. But sometimes (when I am honest with myself) it is just awful to consider.

 

I want an honest, open loving relationship with someone who can be with me properly.

 

Not this.

 

I am torn between seeing it through to the inevitable disaster or trying to finish it AGAIN.

[WakingUp]

But the problem is.. I do want him. But I want him exclusively.

 

I love this man. And he loves me.

 

But his identity is wrapped around his sense of duty, not love. He is trying to do the right thing by everyone but he is destroying us all.

 

He really is trying very hard and has a massive sense of guilt that he cant give me what I need. But he doesn't want to abandon his wife either.

 

And all the love in the world isn't going to fix this. There are no answers, I suppose.

 

I want to be able to sleep at night.

[WakingUp]

I am 100% certain that she knows we are ongoing.

 

He is able to do things he NEVER would have before... staying for dinner, staying the night, being seen in public together, etc.

 

Now that BW knows, he doesn't seem to mind much if the rest of the world knows too.

 

There is no way that he would get away with all that after disclosure if she didn't OK it.

 

So I do have the truth from him. And so does she.

 

I feel like I am just treading water... taking one day at a time.

[Ladydrib]

 

But his identity is wrapped around his sense of duty, not love. He is trying to do the right thing by everyone but he is destroying us all.

 

He really is trying very hard and has a massive sense of guilt that he cant give me what I need. But he doesn't want to abandon his wife either.

 

And all the love in the world isn't going to fix this. There are no answers, I suppose.

 

.

 

It's not your problem - his inability to do the right thing.

 

There is an answer. At least two.

 

1. Stay and continue (four years is long enough to prove a pattern).

 

Or

 

2. Leave him. Suffer the loss. I promise you it will hurt a long time. But eventually you will be free of this pain.

 

I hope you do the second option. I've been struggling with it myself and I have to say I am thankful that I can get away with less years wasted. But any time saved is better than even more wasted.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I guess you have to decide if this is the arrangement you want. I would say if she is aware she is waiting it out, hoping he will eventually make the "right decision" and she is scared. If you are not okay with this, walk away. Someone has to make him make the choice. My xom was okay with it all too until my husband found out and then he really did have to make a choice - and it wasn't me. He also told her he couldn't give me up - yeah right - when it comes down to it they don't have the guts to stand.

 

You have the power here and actually so does she. Make this weenie make a choice.

[Ladydrib]

 

You have the power here and actually so does she. Make this weenie make a choice.

 

They are such weenies!!! Why would we ever even have wanted such a weenie? No thank you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

They are such weenies!!! Why would we ever even have wanted such a weenie? No thank you.

 

I wish I could answer that one.

[Mount]

Exactly - you have to make a choice here as well, as your MM had made his, he is not going to leave wife.

 

See my experience/post, A one year, during last few months MM expressed that he wanted to leave marriage and tell A about affair, of course I supported. But after leaving one day he flipflopped and wanted to go back wife, I accept that, I let him go.

 

And affair must end, there has no sharing in relationship. It is not a buffet :bunny:

 

 

I guess you have to decide if this is the arrangement you want. I would say if she is aware she is waiting it out, hoping he will eventually make the "right decision" and she is scared. If you are not okay with this, walk away. Someone has to make him make the choice. My xom was okay with it all too until my husband found out and then he really did have to make a choice - and it wasn't me. He also told her he couldn't give me up - yeah right - when it comes down to it they don't have the guts to stand.

 

You have the power here and actually so does she. Make this weenie make a choice.

[WakingUp]

Love the weenie references!

 

Thank you for making me smile on what was looking like a bleak day.

[canuckprincess]

I am in a very similar situation, and I also hate what we are doing to mms wife. But I love him and don't want to lose him. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but I don't have any. I'm just in the identical boat as you.

[Mount]

Or not Sushi lunch all you can eat....:bunny:

 

Exactly - you have to make a choice here as well, as your MM had made his, he is not going to leave wife.

 

See my experience/post, A one year, during last few months MM expressed that he wanted to leave marriage and tell A about affair, of course I supported. But after leaving one day he flipflopped and wanted to go back wife, I accept that, I let him go.

 

And affair must end, there has no sharing in relationship. It is not a buffet :bunny:

[WakingUp]

Exactly - you have to make a choice here as well, as your MM had made his, he is not going to leave wife.

 

See my experience/post, A one year, during last few months MM expressed that he wanted to leave marriage and tell A about affair, of course I supported. But after leaving one day he flipflopped and wanted to go back wife, I accept that, I let him go.

 

And affair must end, there has no sharing in relationship. It is not a buffet :bunny:

 

 

I have been following your story Mount, and I am sorry that he messed you around like that. You seem like a very strong and determined person.

 

When your MM flipflopped, I realised that is exactly what would probably happen to me too. So I would like to thank you for your honest and straight forward posts, they have helped me.

 

And no, it is not a buffet! You are right on that one.

[WakingUp]

I am in a very similar situation, and I also hate what we are doing to mms wife. But I love him and don't want to lose him. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom but I don't have any. I'm just in the identical boat as you.

 

How long have you been able to do this? I don't know if I am going to explode tomorrow, next week, or next year.

 

I sort of trudge along being OK, and then suddenly WHAM! Im not OK.

[Mount]

As you said you have in affair with MM over 4.5 years! I can't imagine that must be very exhausted in your emotion, which is certainly not healthy for you.

 

I even feel it is already too much to bear within one year affair, too exhausted for me, I guess that is one of the reason that MM took the lead doing exposing our affair and told wife about leaving, even though it does not succeed eventually. I guess I was playing the boosting power for all the event as well. But at least it targets one goal - no sharing, either she or me. The (x)MM in my case also has very very long marriage.

 

I have been following your story Mount, and I am sorry that he messed you around like that. You seem like a very strong and determined person.

 

When your MM flipflopped, I realised that is exactly what would probably happen to me too. So I would like to thank you for your honest and straight forward posts, they have helped me.

 

And no, it is not a buffet! You are right on that one.

[canuckprincess]

How long have you been able to do this? I don't know if I am going to explode tomorrow, next week, or next year.

 

I sort of trudge along being OK, and then suddenly WHAM! Im not OK.

 

I will pm you my story.

[WakingUp]

i just cant help but want to shake both of you and tell you how wonderful and fulfilling and amazing it is to have the real love of a good man....a man who.puts you first and makes you his evetything. Every minute you spend holding onto this half assed relation**** that involves nothing but addiction and destruction is a minute you waste. Why, WHY give your all to a man who cant/wont reciprocate? You know love isnt supposed to hurt. Its supposed to enhance you, sustain you, comfort you. Someone who loves you for real wouldnt knowingly cause you pain and turmoil....in fact theyd move to the moon to stop your pain.

 

Beany, deep down I know a lot of what you say is right.

 

And it does have elements of addiction and destruction, but there is more to it than that.

[Spark1111]

here is what you do....

 

TELL HIM you want him exclusively, and you intend to tell his wife that too.

 

Tell him you intend to start dating many men until you find one willing to exclusively commit to you you, and tell his wife that too.

 

tell every man that you are circular dating EXACTLY what you want in a relationship and chuck those who are looking to be single and play the field....and TELL your MM that too.

 

The man that stays, waits and is still left dating you EXCLUSIVELY, is the man that truly WANTS your heart.

 

WORKS every time.....

 

TRUST me on this.

[Mount]

Spark - your logic totally makes sense, but it has to go with OP' s heart as well.

 

For example during the affair, I did date a few single gentlemen, the latest one was about around 3 months ago and we dated for 2 months while I was still heavily involved with MM. The guy was very interested in me and expressed every time that want to be exclusively with me, finally I rejected him via text, the reason is so obvious.

 

So the OP has to make mind, to cut MM off completely if she makes mind, then date single guys.

 

 

here is what you do....

 

TELL HIM you want him exclusively, and you intend to tell his wife that too.

 

Tell him you intend to start dating many men until you find one willing to exclusively commit to you you, and tell his wife that too.

 

tell every man that you are circular dating EXACTLY what you want in a relationship and chuck those who are looking to be single and play the field....and TELL your MM that too.

 

The man that stays, waits and is still left dating you EXCLUSIVELY, is the man that truly WANTS your heart.

 

WORKS every time.....

 

TRUST me on this.