I told the BS... and this is the result.

[PhoenixRise]

You can't make him choose. In fact, he has already chosen.

 

He knows you want him exclusively. He chose to stay with his wife and keep his relationship with you as well. He has chosen.

 

This MM may be all the vile things he has been called in this thread but he has said out loud, to you and to his wife what he wants and the way he intends to proceed. Many people involved in affair triangles never get that.

 

I actually think its a good thing that he was upfront about it.

 

Now you (and his wife) get to chose.

 

IMO he is being cruel and disrespectful to his wife. But I'm pretty sure she is not chained to the radiator in the basement. As hard as it might be, she can leave and get out of that marriage if and when she wants to.

 

And you shouldnt be spending any energy trying to get him to re-choose. He made a choice. Does that choice fit with what you want for your life? You make a decision based on the answer to that question.

 

You don't need his permission to make choices for yourself that are in your own best interest.

 

If you chose to stay with him, you are choosing to continue to share him with his wife until she gets fed up (if she ever does) and leaves him. And I think your self esteem will sink like a stone if you willingly accept so little when you clearly want so much more.

 

Stop waiting on him to choose. He chose. You (and his wife) need to have a strong enough sense of self worth that YOU decide what is and is not acceptable in your life and CHOOSE your direction based on that.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

My question to you, "who wins in this train wreck" you, his wife, his kids? What do you win? How will you ever meet the man your supposed to be with for the rest of your life if you continue to waste it on this mind f**k? Should they divorce your prize will owe so much in alimony and child support there will very little left to start your nest. His ex will still be in your life because of the shared parenting, is this your idea of happiness?

[WakingUp]

My question to you, "who wins in this train wreck" you, his wife, his kids? What do you win? How will you ever meet the man your supposed to be with for the rest of your life if you continue to waste it on this mind f**k? Should they divorce your prize will owe so much in alimony and child support there will very little left to start your nest. His ex will still be in your life because of the shared parenting, is this your idea of happiness?

 

I have already stated, his children are grown, mine are late teens.

 

And the financial side is not a concern.

 

So I don't think this is really relevant in this situation. Thanks.

[WakingUp]

Rev Road, thanks for your musings... a few gems amongst them!

 

The thing is, I don't know what I want, really. I don't like sharing.

 

However I don't know that I would want him full time anymore either, with all the complications that would bring.

 

I do know that I love him. And that I am amazed not to have been discarded. He actually says he is glad that I told because now he can look his BS in the eye again, because he has been able to be honest. And I know lots on LS think he is a snake, but he has plenty of good qualities too.

 

Anyway I shall keep you all posted because its certainly an interesting situation. Bit like the twilight zone sometimes, for those of you who remember that show.

[Pelaine]

He's glad you told BS so now HE can look her in the eye?

 

Really? That's okay with you? He's so conflict avoidant he wants the woman he betrayed to get together with the one he betrayed her with and "work it out?"

Edited June 28, 2013 by Pelaine

[ComingInHot]

Waking Up, so at this point (and correct me of I'm wrong*), You Know he is double dipping w/you and His W and you'd just going to "go w/it" until what? When? How?!

Unless you told him NO to sexual intercourse until he chooses one way or the other.?

 

Come on Waking Up! You are So valuable and cool and Waaaay better!!

 

I understand that I couldn't possibly understand the "pull" A's have on an OW's heartstrings, but I Can state w/out a matter of doubt, that you are worth more than what this MM, who has Some nice qualities, is giving you & his Wife!*

[zevahc]

Nothing we say is going to end a 4 year affair. You're going to keep with it until it dwindles down (if ever).

 

Both of you have willingly put yourselves in an unhealthy relationship. He's disregarded his wife, you have done the same to her.

 

The world is a funny place. People are eager for good things to happen to them, and willing to hurt others for that potential. That is an affair, and that is what you are doing. I am not perfect. I had an affair years ago. I'm speaking from personal experience.

 

Until you sit back, look in the mirror, recognize your actions, and take responsibility... are you any better than the MM? Do you truly want a healthy relationship? Because that will never happen with the MM even if by some miracle he leaves his wife.

 

But nothing we say is going to change your mind. Just hope that your relationship with him dwindles fast enough, because we don't live forever. There may come a time when your relationship with him takes a toll on you, and there will be no turning back. When that times comes, it won't be likely that you'll ever experience a healthy relationship for the rest of your life.

 

I do hope the best for you.

 

sadperson...this is so true...yet we find ourselves feeling stuck. I have hit this realization....for the past month or 2...and yet I still struggle so much. I have days where I feel I'm on the brink of breaking through...yet this gravity is so strong....I do believe I will...but only time can get me there.....i find it incredibly pathetic the hold it has on my life (and others) when it's practically speaking so worthless, goes nowhere, and is soooooo unhealthy. That being said...it's pull on the heart..or at least the lack of common sense the heart has...is stronger than my head or reason. Only each day gives me added clarity and willpower.

 

Even reading your post and others similar add a layer of strength...so for that..i thank you. Can't wait until the day I find myself strong enough to break free from the chains..

[mercy]

Nothing we say is going to end a 4 year affair. You're going to keep with it until it dwindles down (if ever).

 

Both of you have willingly put yourselves in an unhealthy relationship. He's disregarded his wife, you have done the same to her.

 

The world is a funny place. People are eager for good things to happen to them, and willing to hurt others for that potential. That is an affair, and that is what you are doing. I am not perfect. I had an affair years ago. I'm speaking from personal experience.

 

Until you sit back, look in the mirror, recognize your actions, and take responsibility... are you any better than the MM? Do you truly want a healthy relationship? Because that will never happen with the MM even if by some miracle he leaves his wife.

 

But nothing we say is going to change your mind. Just hope that your relationship with him dwindles fast enough, because we don't live forever. There may come a time when your relationship with him takes a toll on you, and there will be no turning back. When that times comes, it won't be likely that you'll ever experience a healthy relationship for the rest of your life.

 

I do hope the best for you.

 

I am finding that true.

 

Don't waste a moment of your precious life on a man that is not worthy.

 

Just don't.