Author Devildog Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 Honestly, I think she hasn't made up her mind. The problem is she is letting other people influence her making up her mind. It seems like every time she makes a few steps towards reconciling, someone pulls her back. Now she claims she wasn't saying I love you to me, she was saying it back to our daughter. That is a crock of course, because she would have said "I love you too if she was replying to our daughter. This was one of those bad days for me. Went from the hope that things were looking positive to being told that my own personal Christmas Miracle never happened, that it was just in my head. How can a person, after 8 years and 2 children, not even try to fix a marriage? It wasn't a horrible marriage. I am not some monster. There was no abuse, no destructive addictions. The only problem was communications really. And that can be fixed with counseling or even reading a book from Marriage Builders.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 The problem is she is letting other people influence her making up her mind. It seems like every time she makes a few steps towards reconciling, someone pulls her back. She's been going on too long not to have this sorted out in her mind yet. She could still be confused about it, but......she's had plenty of time. Truly, if it was a matter of not knowing what she wants, and stewing on it for MONTHS, why not go to a counselor and get it sorted out? Would YOU be willing to live in a state of limbo for months, if the decision was within the realm of YOUR control??? Just because she's a girl, doesn't necessarily mean she cannot be decisive. I hope I'm wrong, but I think she is already getting what she wants. At least what she thinks she wants. Does she know beyond the shadow of doubt that she will LOSE you if she continues in her current manner? Does she understand the repercussions of that in full? Financial? Legal? Emotional? ....you need to let your wife see the full reprecussions of her current choice. Don't be her safety net. Don't come over to comfort her when she needs it. Does she come over and spend the night when you need comforting? The mixed signals and the hope that gets crushed a few days later is the worst. I know, I just had my hopes crushed again yesterday. Be strong if you want to be there to pick up the pieces after she has hit bottom and is ready to fully come back to you. Or be strong and move on with your life without her. That is your choice. (A smart guy said that recently. ) She's playing a game with you. And she thinks she's winning. She's waiting for you to lose your cool, so she can look like she was right to do it. Make certain that you don't. But it's past time that she had her choices clarified. What will be the settlement upon divorce? What can she expect if it comes to that? Like Dr. Phil says, "she needs to be able to predict the consequences with 100% accuracy". You can take the teeth out of some of these "other people" by making the choices more clear for her. But you have to make certain that even though your manner is all-business and no concessions, that you don't lose your serenity.
Author Devildog Posted December 29, 2004 Author Posted December 29, 2004 How did I know those words would come back to haunt me? I never said I was any good at following that advice myself. I think it is my wedding ring. It is cursed with an evil power. Once I took it off again I felt better. I'm going to start calling it "The One Ring". I am trying to get her to see what divorce means. It is just so hard to control my compassion and fear that she will get hurt. That I will move on and then she will realize it was a mistake. And I couldn't hurt someone the way she is hurting me, and I couldn't end a relationship after a certain point just to give her another chance. I don't want to think of the possibility of leaving her to live the rest of her life with remorse. I know it might not ever happen, but what if it does? How much will I hate myself for leaving her to suffer while I go find happiness? See ladies, this is why men don't open up, it gets us nothing but heartache and pain that we have no control over.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 There's a thin line between love and hate, my friend. My concern for you is that you will 'hate' with the same fierceness that you currently 'love'. I think that's true for a lot of people, but I think particularly true of you. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. ) I think there will come a time in which you will no longer have forgiveness in your heart for her. I wouldn't believe that you'd ever hurt her, but it's possible that you'll learn loathing where she is concerned, and feel nothing but bitterness for her. Her window of time is closing, and even though I don't know any more than what you post here, I honestly think that she's making a mistake. It's tragic, because I think there is a point on the horizon where her mistake will be unrecoverable. You'll avoid future regrets by making certain that she understands the ramifications of her decisions. I don't want to think of the possibility of leaving her to live the rest of her life with remorse. Find a way to see a lawyer. Lay it all out for her before it's too late. Then you'll be able to move on when the time comes with a clear conscience. Oh, and.... How did I know those words would come back to haunt me? Yeah, you didn't have to be psychic to see that one coming!:lmao:
Author Devildog Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 There's a thin line between love and hate, my friend. My concern for you is that you will 'hate' with the same fierceness that you currently 'love'. I think that's true for a lot of people, but I think particularly true of you. (Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. ) I have been dancing on that line for a while now to tell you the truth. There are some days where I just got so mad at her for this, for the selfishness, the utter disregard for my feelings, the stubborness that prevents her from even thinking about this. The "taking it back", jerking me around, putting my emotions through the ringer rollercoaster she is sending me on. Yes, I can hate with the same fierceness I love. I am thinking I should just close her out of my life except for where our daughter is concerned. Don't even talk to her other than about our daughter. She seems to respond to me pulling away, I just need to stop letting her pull me back.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by Devildog I am thinking I should just close her out of my life except for where our daughter is concerned. Don't even talk to her other than about our daughter. She seems to respond to me pulling away, I just need to stop letting her pull me back. I think that she should have to EARN any concession that she gets from you at this point. But she has to know the reasons for your withdrawal from her, and she needs a "roadmap" to get back to you. Otherwise, it won't make sense to her, and she'll just think you're pouting, or acting like an a$$.
Author Devildog Posted December 30, 2004 Author Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 But she has to know the reasons for your withdrawal from her, and she needs a "roadmap" to get back to you. Otherwise, it won't make sense to her, and she'll just think you're pouting, or acting like an a$$. I would think the reasons for the withdrawl are more than obvious by this point don't you? I mean really? Three months of trying to work things out, to make things better, to actually give our marriage any sort of chance at survival? She already has the roadmap back to me. I think I spelled it out pretty plainly in that email I posted a few weeks ago. How plainly should I spell it out for her?
Ladyjane14 Posted December 30, 2004 Posted December 30, 2004 Is the e-mail that you sent her a few weeks ago still reflective of your feelings today? It had a very supportive, patient flavor, as if you were willing to wait indefinately. I'm thinking that when you do experience a change in your feelings, you should lay out the ultimatum for her. Tell her specifically what she can expect from you as an ex-husband...money, insurance benefits, division of assets, child custody, etc. Tell her specifically how much time she has left to make up her mind regarding the marriage. Tell her what you expect her behavior to be in the interim. (i.e. Trial separation ostensibly to "figure out what she wants" is not a free pass to date other men. ) And let her know, again specifically, what she must accomplish to earn her way back...counseling, behavioral changes, etc. If you wait too long, you'll no longer have the motivation required to reconcile with her. You're the only one who know how you feel. I'm just kicking ideas out at you.
Author Devildog Posted December 31, 2004 Author Posted December 31, 2004 I'm just at a point now where my feelings shift alot. Mostly depending on her attitude and how she acts. Take tonight for example. She called me up and started going off about something trivial. I know it is an issue where she is ticked at her parents or someone, but she takes it out on me. She did that alot in the marriage. My fault, I let her vent on me early on, knowing it wasn't me she was mad at, she just needed to vent. But she got to the point where she started believing that it was me she was angry at. I am hesitant to make any ultimatums or lay out what is what at this time because my feelings are shifting alot right now. If I take a stand to put a deadline, I might feel differently tomorrow, or a few hours later. I want to make sure what I want because once it is out there, that is it. Even laying out specifically what she has to do to earn her way back in at this point will probably drive her out for good. She is just so stubborn and won't listen to anyone but her parents. And they are in protect her feelings overdrive mode right now. Telling her she is a good person, how horrible I am, she is making the right choice, whatever. Like I said before, I will be willing to reconcile at any point as long as I have not reached a certain point in a new relationship. I wouldn't put someone else through what I have been going through for her to have another shot.
betty garcia Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 hello devildog. just read your post to saving grace,and was really impressed with the advice you gave her. i really haven't had time to do much since my husband and i separated in august. i will keep this short. our marriage failed also,because it was always about him. he tries to blame me for the whole mess. i will admit i was not an angel,by not showing him enough affection. we were married for 26yrs,and he says he feels that our marriage was a waste. he was always controlling with everything in our marriage. he also felt ,because he was the main provider,and provided material things that his obligations to his family were met. you mentioned that material things are not what a marriage is based on,i agree with that.you said it has a place and some importance. i was always faithful,but he believes otherwise. and he has tried to trash me to others. i feel that he has used this to make me look bad,so he can justify his reasons for leaving me. i told him i choose us,but he just wants to throw me away like if i was some kind of plastic bottle that you dispose of,but he did not dispose of properly according to myself. also he never met my emotional needs,even though he would say he loved me. i told him actions speak louder than words,but never got that point across to him. thank you for listening. you seem like you are a wise and intelligent man.
missionionateds Posted January 5, 2005 Posted January 5, 2005 Originally posted by betty garcia material things are not what a marriage is based on... he has tried to trash me to others... also he never met my emotional needs,even though he would say he loved me. i told him actions speak louder than words,but never got that point across to him. Devil Dog is right that material things are not what a marriage should be based on. Too much trading in "I bought you this, so put out" goes on in too many marriages. To expand his point, material things should represent the solidarity of a marriage - but this is a subject for later consideration. On the subject of emotional needs, those are best met by ourselves. Sadly, some people wait their whole lives for someone else to meet their needs, when they are completely capable of doing so themselves. Although you might be able to communicate your needs to someone else, they will interpret what you say through their own experience. What they give back to you will probably be short of what you expected and can be completely off the mark. When you think "If X would only happen, I would be happy," go the next step and figure out how to get X yourself, rather than waiting for someone else to do it. There is great reward in deciding what you need and going after it yourself. Additionally, strong, self-reliant people are very attractive, as you know.
Author Devildog Posted January 5, 2005 Author Posted January 5, 2005 Thanks for the kind words Betty. I don't know if I am neccesarily wise and intelligent. Most of the advice I give I have a hard time following myself. I guess most of us can see things clearly when we are not directly involved. My parents got a divorce after 25 years of marriage. My reaction at the time was "What took you guys so long?". Both of my parents were unhappy in the marriage, but they stuck it out because that is how they were raised. Things are different now days. I think both of them are better off now, but I still wonder if they could have worked things out with counseling. When marriages get to the point yours is at it is very rarely one persons fault. I like the analogy of a downward spiral. All it takes to start the spiral is some small disagreement. Then one person pulls away a bit, withholds affection. In return the other pulls back and since they are not getting affection they withhold some affection too. If it doesn't get resolved, it continues to feed into itself. It usually only takes one person to be the bigger person and stop it. But then you usually have the same person being the "bigger person" until they become the doormat of the relationship. Regarding the emotional needs part, men and women are just so different when it comes to this area. And they have a very hard time understanding the other's needs. You each were probably doing what you thought the other wanted, but that isn't always the case. Women need the emotional affection, and men need physical affection. And they think that their needs are what the other needs. So you tried to meet his emotional needs and he tried to meet your physical needs. It is kind of like the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" philosophy run amok. I don't know what stage your marriage is at. If you are sepearted, filed for divorce or what. If it hasn't reached that point I would suggest you check out the <URL removed> website. I ordered the "Love Busters" book because that was the one that was most relevant to my situation. It is full of insight and seems to be right on about what went wrong with my marriage. I'm not sure if that book or "His Needs, Her Needs" would be more beneficial to you if you are looking at help with saving your marriage. Of course counselling would be a good idea if you want to save your marriage as well. The important thing is for each of you to understand what the other feels and needs. If you have further questions it might be a good idea to start a new thread, you can get more insight. Most threads that reach the 150+ post point only get read by the people who have been following it all along.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog ...that road to reconciliation on her part is never going to work. Ticking me off and hurting me has at this point made me have doubts about if I could still get over the physical affair that she still denies. I could have before all this additional pain and heartwrenching she has applied. Now, I don't know. If she is trying to test my limits I think she might have found them at this point. Are you positive that the physical affair really happened? You've only had one person tell you so. Were there any details that could be corroborated? Would that person have had any reason to lie? It is possible to reconcile a marriage even after a PA has occurred. We've both read lots of posts right here that illustrate that recovery is possible. It's a moot point though until you have the facts. I'm not trying to push you in any particular direction. Just throwing it out there. I was thinking yesterday. Just alot of potential relationships that I squelched immediately because I was in a relationship. One in particular had a huge spark. But we were both in relationships and distanced ourselves until I left for a different job. There have been plenty of women that I have met and there was some sort of spark, but I wasn't about to let anything happen or grow because I was in a relationship. I have no doubts that I would be able to find a new spark, or possibly give an old spark another chance if I decide to. I would urge you though, if you're considering getting into the dating scene, to go ahead and get the paperwork on the divorce filed. Several reasons spring to mind: The first of which is that she is going to go bananas when she finds out that you've moved on. It'll be harder to deal with the day-to-day issues for sure. Also, you just don't need to get mired in that whole gray area of being unable to accurately describe your marital status. It's hard enough, I imagine, to get back out into the world and meet new people without that whole albatross of confusion hanging around your neck. And...you don't want to get down into the dirt as far as infidelity is concerned. You've been reading here long enough to know that no good comes of it. You've got to finish one relationship before starting another lest they BOTH get screwed up. The one good thing about being the BS, is that you're in the driver's seat. The WS can make the initial decision about blowing the whole deal apart, but after that.....it's all you. Because in the end most of them want to come back.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by betty garcia i was always faithful,but he believes otherwise. and he has tried to trash me to others. i feel that he has used this to make me look bad,so he can justify his reasons for leaving me. I agree with Devildog about you starting a thread. Your issues deserve to be addressed, and I have lots of questions for you. Why does he believe that you were unfaithful? Has he been seeing someone else? Are you interested in trying to reconcile the marriage, or are you looking for ways to cope with your divorce.
Author Devildog Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Are you positive that the physical affair really happened? You've only had one person tell you so. Were there any details that could be corroborated? Would that person have had any reason to lie? It is possible to reconcile a marriage even after a PA has occurred. We've both read lots of posts right here that illustrate that recovery is possible. It's a moot point though until you have the facts. Will I ever be 100 % positive the physical affair ever happened? No. As much as she tries to deny it though, I just have a very difficult time believing nothing ever happened though. Do I trust the source 100% that told me this? No. But, a lot of circumstantial things add up to it being hard to believe nothing ever happened. Before she brought up separation, and shortly after the "friend" came into the picture, she made a comment that she regretted that I was the only man she had ever slept with. After we separated, and things moved forward with them spending plenty of alone time together, all of a sudden he loses interest in her. If he was a real friend there to help her and support and care for her, why up and be done with her suddenly at that point? The fact that she told me she loved him for 8 years. I would urge you though, if you're considering getting into the dating scene, to go ahead and get the paperwork on the divorce filed. Several reasons spring to mind: The first of which is that she is going to go bananas when she finds out that you've moved on. It'll be harder to deal with the day-to-day issues for sure. As mean as this sounds, but I see that as a positive reason to start dating Also, you just don't need to get mired in that whole gray area of being unable to accurately describe your marital status. It's hard enough, I imagine, to get back out into the world and meet new people without that whole albatross of confusion hanging around your neck. And...you don't want to get down into the dirt as far as infidelity is concerned. You've been reading here long enough to know that no good comes of it. You've got to finish one relationship before starting another lest they BOTH get screwed up. This is what has really stopped me from moving forward up to this point to tell the truth. My honor makes it difficult to do that when I am still married, even if it is only a technicality to her at this point. The one good thing about being the BS, is that you're in the driver's seat. The WS can make the initial decision about blowing the whole deal apart, but after that.....it's all you. Because in the end most of them want to come back. There has just been so much damage she has done, and her parents have done, that I just can't see how a relationship with her is a possibility anymore. The extent of change she would have to undergo is so monumental I can't see it happening. Just the distancing herself from her parents, which she would have to do, I would NOT be pushed behind them ever again, I can't see her doing. Telling her co-workers that their sexually harrasing comments will not be tolerated anymore, would be difficult for her as well. She has just done so much damage now that what she would have to give to a renewed relationship is most likely insurmountable for her.
Author Devildog Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 I want to talk about my counselling session this week. My therapist and I were discussing my wife pulling me back onto the emotional rollercoaster and trying to find different ways to prevent that. We are borrowing an old Marine Corps mantra to do this. Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. We set the overcome part first, to stop letting her pull me onto the emotional rollercoaster with her. Then we worked on the improvise part, ways to avoid the triggers. I have been trying to limit talking to her outside of our daughter. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I let her leave a voicemail and if it is something important or relating to our daughter I call her back, otherwise, I just let it go. That helps pull her back towards me some, but then it sets things up for the pulling away again. My homework is to develop the adapt part of the equation. I have given that alot of thought the past few days. I have come to the conclusion that a large part of the issue is that I need to reassure myself that I am not the horrible, cold, emotionless failure she has made me feel like. I realize I am not going to get that, that absolution if you will, from her. But I need to know and feel that I am not a horrible man and husband. And that reassurance isn't so easy to get. I have had hundreds of people tell me I was a wonderful husband and father and man. But then why am I in this situation? It is easier for me to blame myself than it is to say she is just a wacko. I think that is a large part of why I have given some consideration to actually dating again. To find some reassurance and validation for the arguement that I am not a relationship killer. How can I discover that if I don't get back on the horse so to speak? It has brought me alot of peace the past couple of days thinking about some of the past opportunities I blocked out for my relationship and marriage with my wife. Some of them could have been incredible. One in particular could have been something wonderful under different circumstances, if we had both been single at the time. She was the very defintion of "my type". Long dark hair, face like an angel, smart, funny, definetly not trashy, a good girl but not a saint either. Last I heard she is a single mother still going to school to make something of herself and provide a good future for her child. She didn't let a moment of weakness and thoughtlessness destroy her life. She picked herself up and still continued after a better life. And a woman like that had a very strong, obvious attraction to me. So I can't be all bad. But that was never a relationship that can answer if I am the problem or not. I like feeling good, laughing, not hating myself. I need to be able to find that person on a more consistent basis. And a new relationship just seems like the best way to accomplish that. Not that I need someone else to make me happy, but to validate the good things about me and refute the bad things my wife has made me feel about myself. Go ahead, open fire.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 {sigh} Well, I must admit that I've been very hopeful for you and your wife. It looks to me like you found the only other person on the face of the planet who is as stubborn as you are, and then.....married her. (j/k ) Telling her co-workers that their sexually harrasing comments will not be tolerated anymore, would be difficult for her as well. What comments? And how did you find out about them? Was she sharing this info with you? Before or after the separation? This may not be important in your relationship with her, if the marriage is truly over. But if it's a jealous behavior on your part, you do NOT want to carry that forward into other relationships. It's so important to be able to trust your mate with whatever information that you share with him/her. The ability to communicate is severely hampered when you feel you can't share everything. If you were jealous in the relationship, you have to OWN it, or it'll become an issue again in the future. I don't want to see you get dragged onto the rollercoaster again, but if you're fairly certain that there is no possibility of reconcilliation, you should consider letting your wife know that. She may try to back-pedal, but she might agree with you whole-heartedly. That would hurt, but much like ripping off a Band-Aid rather than peeling it slowly, at least you'd know. I can see how getting some positive feedback from other women would be validating. There are traps and pitfalls though. One being that you need to be absolutely sure that you leave the marriage without regrets. You'd know this because you wouldn't feel angry and hurt anymore, just indifferent. Another being that the Mr. FixIt, innate in so many men, might be looking for someone who needs him....who is needy . There's nothing like the feeling of success, when one is worried that he may have failed. That's when you need to remember all the work you've put into this thing, no matter the outcome. You've done the absolute best you could, and no one can do more than their personal best.
Author Devildog Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 {sigh} Well, I must admit that I've been very hopeful for you and your wife. It looks to me like you found the only other person on the face of the planet who is as stubborn as you are, and then.....married her. (j/k ) You are right, but she is stubborn against the marriage, I have been stubborn about saving it. Immovable object Vs. irresistable force. Sadly, she has the advantage because as much as I want to kick and scream, if she decides to file for divorce I can't stop it. What comments? And how did you find out about them? Was she sharing this info with you? Before or after the separation? This may not be important in your relationship with her, if the marriage is truly over. But if it's a jealous behavior on your part, you do NOT want to carry that forward into other relationships. It's so important to be able to trust your mate with whatever information that you share with him/her. The ability to communicate is severely hampered when you feel you can't share everything. If you were jealous in the relationship, you have to OWN it, or it'll become an issue again in the future. Disgustingly disrespectful comments, blatantly sexually harrassing. Comments about the style and color of her underwear, and that was tame. She keeps candy in her filing cabiet drawer for co-workers and what not. An older African American co-worker made the comment that he would "give her some chocolate in her drawers". Yes, that is a quote. It wasn't a jealousy thing, it really ticked me off that they were being that disgustingly disrespectful to her, and that she didn't do anything to stop it because she didn't want to get anyone in trouble, that it was normal where she works. She works for the government, they have a VERY strict policy on sexual harrassment. She should have put a stop to that. And she did tell me about the comments. I think she was hurt and upset by the comments, but there was nothing I could do to stop it for her. I can see how getting some positive feedback from other women would be validating. There are traps and pitfalls though. One being that you need to be absolutely sure that you leave the marriage without regrets. You'd know this because you wouldn't feel angry and hurt anymore, just indifferent. Do you honestly ever think I would not feel some level of hurt and anger for what she has put me through? I think because I am starting to feel indifferent about the situation in general that I can start to think about dating again. Another being that the Mr. FixIt, innate in so many men, might be looking for someone who needs him....who is needy . There's nothing like the feeling of success, when one is worried that he may have failed. Is that directed at the woman I mentioned? She was just an example, but if she were available and interested I would probably pursue it. But I don't think of her as a fixer-upper. From what I do know of her, she doesn't need someone to fix her. And I don't have any desire to find a fixer-upper anyway. That's when you need to remember all the work you've put into this thing, no matter the outcome. You've done the absolute best you could, and no one can do more than their personal best. You sound like one of those office motivational posters Ladyjane. But as always, thanks for the advice.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Is that directed at the woman I mentioned? She was just an example, but if she were available and interested I would probably pursue it. But I don't think of her as a fixer-upper. From what I do know of her, she doesn't need someone to fix her. And I don't have any desire to find a fixer-upper anyway. Well, I have to admit, it did start me thinking. (Please don't think I'm saying anything derogatory about the lady in question though. ) I've noticed alot of divorced men get into relationships where they feel more needed. I think in part to assuage the feelings of failure after divorce. And maybe also to feel more secure in the new relationship. After all, a damsel in distress is less likely to dump you because of the simple fact that you are needed in the relationship. I think she was hurt and upset by the comments, but there was nothing I could do to stop it for her. Not that you would EVER don your shining white armor and give it a good old-fashioned try! It's hard for a woman to differentiate between jealousy/control behaviors and the Mr. FixIt who honestly wants to help and protect. Do you honestly ever think I would not feel some level of hurt and anger for what she has put me through? Yeah, I do. At least when we're comparing it to the scale that you're feeling hurt and anger now. I think someday, it'll be more like having an annoying neighbor, who really burns your bacon , but can't keep your undivided attention for long. You're a smart guy. It doesn't make rational sense to carry all the burden of those negative feelings around and expect to be happy in life. You'll set them aside someday in order to replace them with more positive emotions. ...if she decides to file for divorce I can't stop it. Why not ask her what the hold-up is? Look her right in the eye and tell her you've met some interesting girls and would like to start dating. Personally, I think she'll be flabbergasted.
Author Devildog Posted January 7, 2005 Author Posted January 7, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Well, I have to admit, it did start me thinking. (Please don't think I'm saying anything derogatory about the lady in question though. ) You might be talking about the future Mrs. Devildog j/k at this point I've noticed alot of divorced men get into relationships where they feel more needed. I think in part to assuage the feelings of failure after divorce. And maybe also to feel more secure in the new relationship. After all, a damsel in distress is less likely to dump you because of the simple fact that you are needed in the relationship. Not a problem there, I was so overly needed in this marriage it isn't funny. But all the things I did were forgotten in a heartbeat. Not that you would EVER don your shining white armor and give it a good old-fashioned try! Don't have shining white armor. Shiny white armor probably has never been used. I have battered, dented, blood-smeared armor thank you very much! Yeah, I do. At least when we're comparing it to the scale that you're feeling hurt and anger now. I think someday, it'll be more like having an annoying neighbor, who really burns your bacon , but can't keep your undivided attention for long. The anger has already subsided alot, and I am thinking more rationally than I have in a long time. My head is finally starting to wrestle control back from my heart. I see pretty clearly the futility of trying to pursue this further. There is just sooo much damage, that extends beyond just my wife and me, to be overcome. I could not forgive her parents for the things they have said about me and to me. Not after everything I did for them, to help them, to support them. Why not ask her what the hold-up is? Look her right in the eye and tell her you've met some interesting girls and would like to start dating. Personally, I think she'll be flabbergasted. The hold up is she can't afford the lawyer fee at the moment. And I am still kinda against the idea of helping her along the road to kicking me to the curb. Male pride you know. But I can almost guarantee the first time she sees me with someone else, or catches wind that I am seeing someone, she will go ape$hit.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 I see pretty clearly the futility of trying to pursue this further. There is just sooo much damage, that extends beyond just my wife and me, to be overcome. I could not forgive her parents for the things they have said about me and to me. Not after everything I did for them, to help them, to support them. This has always been my concern for you. That by the time she realizes that she has made a mistake, you'll no longer care enough to take her back. Is this something you can talk to your therapist about? Doe s/he feel like it's better for you to move on? Or to continue to hold the door open for her? Or to confront her? Also, you can't allow the extended family to become integral in any way to any relationship decisions that you and your wife make. Put the in-laws on the back-burner for now. If they butt in, tell them in no uncertain terms that they are interfering. You can deal with them later if it becomes necessary.
Author Devildog Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 My therapist has always kind of felt that it would be in my best interest to allow myself to leave the situation. There is a history of undiagnosed mental issues in my wife's entire family really. Just a very screwey situation overall. I kind of went into a bit more with the PM. If you want further details that I would prefer not to post on the main board, PM me.
Author Devildog Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Sorry I haven't been updating this thread lately, but not a whole lot has been happening recently. More of the same old, same old. My STBXW is being more of a witch than ever and is showing me just how appealing a new life with someone else could be. It just seems like she is soooo angry, but still believes I am the root of all her problems and anger. I'm not. If I was she would be happier than she has ever been. Instead she has gotten more and more miserable. She has already pushed me beyond the point of ever wanting to try and reconcile. Now she is starting to push me to the point of getting ugly. I don't want to do that. I have a propensity for evil, but I would rather not do that to the mother of my children. But if things keep going like they have been I don't know how long I can keep my cool. Our daughter got pneumonia early this week. We were both at the hospital with her for tests and treatment. STBXW waas just snippy, and short, and condescending to the staff at the hospital. I was embarrassed to have to be seen with her. How blind does love make you when you can't see something so obvious?
Ladyjane14 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog It just seems like she is soooo angry, but still believes I am the root of all her problems and anger. I'm not. If I was she would be happier than she has ever been. Instead she has gotten more and more miserable. Be prepared for more of the same as the realization dawns on her that she has indeed NOT fixed all her problems. Your mission is to be unruffled by her toxic emotional spill. Our daughter got pneumonia early this week. Don't let STBX prevent you from offering comfort to your little one while she's sick. Why not make her up a little basket of goodies from Daddy?
Author Devildog Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 I think that is why she seems to be getting madder each day Ladyjane. She knows I wasn't the problem, but she has this huge issue with being wrong, especially when her being wrong means I am right. I just have no idea how to stop the escalating anger on her part. Any suggestions? I am all out of ideas. My daughter is doing much better now. Got a mega dose of antibiotics at the hospital and that kicked it pretty quick. I have her this weekend, so she will get her Daddy quality time. The question I have been biting my tongue on is this, How did she get pneumonia? What happened that she developed it? 200 posts on this thread. I'm thinking that isn't something to be proud of is it?
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