Marriage in jeopardy due to male "friend" with an agenda

[Devildog]

Summer, you are not butting in at all. If I didn't want people to read this and know this and respond to it, I wouldn't be posting it.

 

It is just amazing the depths of callousness some people have. The extent they will go to save themselves any feeling of guilt. It's fine for her to destroy me, as long as she can avoid any feelings of guilt. She can't run from it forever. It will catch up to her eventually. Probably very soon. And all she is doing is digging her self deeper into the guilt she will have to face. Not just for what she did to our marriage, but what she put me through to avoid the guilt.

[Ladyjane14]

I know you've seen this coming for a long time, but still....it's an ending. Even being prepared, it must seem so sudden.

 

I know that you recognise the scent of bullsh*t on the air, when she tries to make you feel her guilt. You've worked hard, and you're too smart to 'go there'. But it sounds like you're responding to it anyway.

 

I suspect that what bothers you most is that you know that you will be fine, and you worry that she just never will be. You take your responsibilies to heart. And a part of you still feels responsible for her. Even as angry as you are with her right this very minute, and even as much as she's put you through, you'd probably still give up your left nut if you thought it would help her.

 

You know that you did EVERYTHING possible to save the marriage. If you're still feeling guilty at her whim, it's likely because you have yet to truly absolve yourself of physically caring for her.

 

I was close enough to the end of my marriage at one point to feel that. It's like abandoning your child at the grocery store. Unthinkable. To walk away from someone who needs you, someone who depends on you.

 

She forced you to move on, and released you from obligations that you have held dear for a long while. You may have given those obligations up unwillingly at first, but now..... Well, you've probably begun to enjoy your new life.

 

There's so much possibility opened up before you that wasn't there before. Dreams that you may have abandoned over the years are now possible. The world is your oyster again.

 

Who would want to give that up in order to go back to being someone's whipping boy?

 

I'm not sure what to tell you about giving up the responsibility of a dependent person. I can tell you this though..... She's a big girl. And this was her choice.

 

I know she's faced alot of adversity and it has messed up her thinking in many ways. But you can't live someone else's life for them, and you can't suffer their tribulations for them either.

 

I think maybe the key to getting by this last hurdle may be in naming each of your emotions as it comes, and then identifying the trigger that caused it.

 

So, if you're a "smouldering heap of ashes today", and you can identify exactly why you felt that way, you're a whole lot less likely to feel it the next time you have a negative interaction with your VSTBXW.

[Devildog]

So, if you're a "smouldering heap of ashes today", and you can identify exactly why you felt that way, you're a whole lot less likely to feel it the next time you have a negative interaction with your VSTBXW.

 

I know what it was that reduced me to ashes. She attacked me for my grief of losing a daughter. I can't shake that. No matter how many people tell me there was nothing I could do, no matter how many medical reports showing there was nothing I could do. I still feel like I failed my daughter. It is my nature. It's hardwired into me. My biggest responsibility is to defend and protect my family. And I failed miserably in my mind.

 

That is my weakness, the one silver bullet I haven't been able to stop. And that is the one she used.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

That is my weakness, the one silver bullet I haven't been able to stop. And that is the one she used.

 

She knows you pretty well, huh? Knows how to get under your skin. Why would she do that?

 

The only reason that I can think of is that she's angry and frustrated enough to want to hurt you. Why? She wanted a divorce, and she's getting what she wanted.

 

So, why is she still taking pot-shots at you?

[Devildog]

Simple, because public opinion is against her. She isn't being cheered and adored for what she did. She was never discreet about any of it, and now she is pissed that she is catching blame and being looked down upon for what she did. People are not feeling sorry for her for running to another man during a time of enormous grief and abandoning her husband.

 

And she absolutely HATES to be wrong and if it means I am right, it is a million times worse.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

My biggest responsibility is to defend and protect my family. And I failed miserably in my mind.

 

There wasn't any action that you could have taken that would have changed the outcome regarding the loss of your daughter. You admit that, but you won't let it seep in. I can't say that if I was in your position I wouldn't feel the same way, regardless of knowing it wasn't so.

 

The fact that she knows how to push those buttons, and get the big reaction from you is telling. She's still trying to make you out to be the bad guy in all of this. If you're angry and showing it, then she was right to leave you because you're unreasonable.

 

She's still just rationalizing. Don't buy into it sweetie.

 

I'm out. Cya.

[Devildog]

Well, on a positive note, she doesn't know the full effect of that shot. Yes, I did argue with her a bit and did give her a piece of my mind about the dishonesty and what not. But the breakdown didn't occur until after I hung up. And I do have some great friends here that helped me put the pieces back together. To them, I am eternally grateful.

[MassiveAtom]

I can't believe this is the first time I've posted to this thread! Somehow I feel like it isn't. Dd, As one of the three musketeers in The United Brotherhood of Men, I call your attention to The Universal Code of Conduct Chapter 478, section 652 Therein it states

 

"On the matter of a woman so crass and cruel that she would use your greatest weakness against you, a man will immediately set about fortifying said weakness so that it will no longer be a vulnerability." I know I'll be punished by the Old Dudes for putting a rule out in the open like this, but this goes right along with the whole "she's got a husband," thing. Sometimes it MUST be said.

 

I remember a story of a man so viciously attacked that there seemed no defense. So brutalized that recovery seemed impossible. The repairing starts with friends, and the healing comes from within.

 

This part will take some muy grandes cojones! That guilt you feel for the little one is poisoning you. That inflexible dilemma is stifling you. It's another facet of this hell you're walking through thats masked by all the other attacks. I can't know everything you're going through, never let on that I did, right? You yourself said that outside perspective is good. Here's my perspective, then.

 

Never forget the little miss. Or the bunny. Or those tears. THAT'S a father for ya! Carry it all forward with you.

 

But Dd, you must learn to forgive yourself for what you had no control over. You couldn't have done anything. You wanted to, but it was out of your hands. I noticed you 'asked for the path to be shown to you,' by God I presume. That's who's hands her life was in. That's who had control. Forgive yourself deeply and completely and that weakness won't exist for long. give it over, and let it go.

 

as always

 

MA

 

Oh wait, YFB!

 

almost forgot.

sheesh

[Devildog]

I am building up the defenses around that spot. The next shot won't be nearly as effective, believe me. That hurt too much to allow it to happen again.

 

I think one of the things I need to do to make peace with the issue is something to honor my daughter. A shrine or memorial to her memory. I've had something like that in mind, just waiting for the weather to improve to do it. A nice secluded spot just for me. With roses, lots of roses. Rose bushes and a rose tree. Something more than just a headstone to honor her memory.

 

Thanks MA, I appreciate it.

 

oh yeah YFMB!!!!

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Devildog

I know what it was that reduced me to ashes. She attacked me for my grief of losing a daughter. I can't shake that. No matter how many people tell me there was nothing I could do, no matter how many medical reports showing there was nothing I could do. I still feel like I failed my daughter. It is my nature. It's hardwired into me. My biggest responsibility is to defend and protect my family. And I failed miserably in my mind.

 

That is my weakness, the one silver bullet I haven't been able to stop. And that is the one she used.

 

You did NOT fail Devildog!! You tried the best you could and that is all you could do! I have a little quote that I was just reading last night that may in some way help you?? (It's spiritually based, hope you don't mind...)

 

"We can't make choices for another person. However clearly we might think we see the light of infinite possibility, if our beloved sees no possibility at all, then that is his or her choice. We need to let go of the physical habits we have associated with this love, that is true, but we never, ever have to let go of the love itself. It remains in us because it is a part of God. It will be a part of us until the day we die, and I assume it will be part of us forever after that."

---Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

 

In case you haven't read anything by Marianne, I totally recommend her, she's very uplifting and she helps us to see that no love that we have ever felt is a waste, even if we feel like we have failed. It's natural to feel like if things don't last forever that we have failed, but ultimately, we did NOT fail because it didn't last. We learnt what we needed to, at the time, I think.

 

I hope this in some way helps you. If not, I can always post more!!

[SummerRae]

Ok, I can't resist, I'm just going to post more. Whenever I see someone in grief, I really feel compelled to say something (which really is a good excuse, I think, for not doing my own work, lol) n e how... another quote:

 

"And then, of course, there are times when it is really over.... Yes, she will stay in your heart forever, and you will stay in hers (even if on the surface of things, amongst all the conflict, it doesn't seem that way). There will be no more midnight kisses, or children crawling into bed with you. One of you, or both of you, said "No"... and so it is.

 

"Perhaps there was some wisdom in that decision, and perhaps there was not. Either way, one or both of you will probably shed tears. Either the spirit of God led you onto better things, or the gift of this love was too great for someone invested in their limits to endure. It doesn't matter, on a certain level. The grief is still the same.

 

"And yet the grief itself has a way of honing us and shaping us. It softens and humbles us. And then we are more prepared for love. There is no reason to grow bitter when love departs. No one wronged you as much as they might have wronged themselves. For every tear in anyone's eye, there is someone out there to kiss it away.

 

"Whether the path of life or the mystery of death has taken true love from us, we learn something very important from the experience: God and God alone never leaves. He was there, is there, will always be there. He lifts us from the hellish darkeness that sinks into our hearts and rob us of our joy. Our emotions need not be battered by the winds of fate. He literally lifs our spirits and we come to know that we are safe to love, we are safe to be vulnerable, and we are safe to surrender--not because the beloved will necessarily remain here always, but because we knkow we will be fine in the arms of God..."

 

N e ways, I know sometimes all the God language can distract (if you don't really, fully like the term) but there are some great messages in here, I think, even if we'd rather replace the word God with Creator or whatever...

 

I probably sound totally religious, which I'm not, just a little spiritual. I think that there has to be something out there bigger than ourselves who is watching over us, DDog.

 

I was one heartbroken in a million pieces and thought I would never make it. But something lifted me out of it, and for me there is no other explanation than GOD. It was that bad.

 

Now, I am finally able to see that there is someone out there who is better for me, and I for them, and even if it doesn't happen till I'm old and grey, I have to hope that one day we all find a love that is able to overshadow all the pain that we may have felt from any other pain... Or at least make it ALL worth it!

 

Sorry, if I sound so philosophical... I guess I'm just that way sometimes!

 

L,

Summer

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Devildog

I am building up the defenses around that spot. The next shot won't be nearly as effective, believe me. That hurt too much to allow it to happen again.

 

I think one of the things I need to do to make peace with the issue is something to honor my daughter. A shrine or memorial to her memory. I've had something like that in mind, just waiting for the weather to improve to do it. A nice secluded spot just for me. With roses, lots of roses. Rose bushes and a rose tree. Something more than just a headstone to honor her memory.

 

Thanks MA, I appreciate it.

 

oh yeah YFMB!!!!

 

K, wow, last post for this morning, I promise!! Just had to say, that I totally agree with what you said about "the next shot won't be nearly as effective..." That's the good part of being hurt, even if at the time it doesn't seem like it. As long as we don't let it keep us down forever or make us tooo cynical.

[debilou]

DD,

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you kinda think your VSTBXW really doesn't want a divorce but feels like there's no other way out??? I believe you think she would rather be with you but she won't humble herself to it.

 

Summer,

 

Love the posts, thanks a million. I needed it!

 

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

Summer, don't you ever apologize again for your posts. Those were wonderful, meaningful, and they have alot of wisdom. Thank you very much for them.

 

I fear you are getting into the game a bit late though. I'm over the whole situation. I welcome the end of this drama. I look forward to moving forward with my life and seeing what the future holds for me. I was hurt because of the nature of the attack. Nothing else. I don't want to go back into the situation I had, I don't secretly hope for a reconciliation. I've gotten enough of the poison out of my system to see exactly how one sided that marriage was. And I have been able to see that many of the problems could never be fixed.

 

But those were some wonderful, inspiring quotes you provided. Thank You.

 

MA, you might lose your title as philosophical advisor

[Devildog]

Originally posted by debilou

DD,

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you kinda think your VSTBXW really doesn't want a divorce but feels like there's no other way out??? I believe you think she would rather be with you but she won't humble herself to it.

 

Summer,

 

Love the posts, thanks a million. I needed it!

 

 

Debilou

 

I don't think you are wrong at all Debilou. I think you hit it on the head. But she did far too much damage throughout this whole situation, and waited too long. I left her every opportunity, made every effort. I brought her flowers in the rain for pete's sake.

 

I think now that she has filed for divorce she realizes exactly what she has done. And she is in desperation mode to try and escape that.

[SummerRae]

Thanks DDog... well, I guess I was late in the game!! I can relate to where you are at. I'm finally there myself! I think that it just takes time. I was amazed how fast I recovered... I guess there are no time limits on things.

 

And yes, you definitely don't want to be in a one-sided relationship DDog. I look back at my ex (who so happens to have been a Devil Dog himself, lol) and it was definitely on his terms. And yes, soooo many differences that could not have been worked through unless I compromised a little more than what I'm willing to. Compromise is good but not if you shortchange yourself and what you ultimately want.

 

I am now using all the time and energy to put into me and the career, etc... It's amazing how much can be accomplished when you're not stuck with bad relationship BS.

 

Thanks for your post, I guess it's funny because this place (LS) has brought me so much insight!! Just reading other people's stuff you realize that there are SOOO many people in the world that are going through the same types of things. And these are just the people that are posting. So yes, gives ya faith that you can find someone great. Actually LOTS of great someones.

[Devildog]

Where are you women finding all these bad Marines? They are giving my Corps a bad name. Marines treat their women like Queens. You and Merin both seem to have found defective ones.

 

I too am amazed at how fast I recovered once I actually started Summer. I feel better than I have in years. And my life is getting focused. Yeah, no baggage throwing me off balance.

 

This place is full of great people. I have made some good friends here that have helped me through some rough times and vice versa. There are 3 in particular that if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be the me I am right now.

 

Plenty of people know what you are feeling Summer, and they want to help any way they can. PM me any time if you need to talk.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Devildog

Where are you women finding all these bad Marines? They are giving my Corps a bad name. Marines treat their women like Queens. You and Merin both seem to have found defective ones.

 

I too am amazed at how fast I recovered once I actually started Summer. I feel better than I have in years. And my life is getting focused. Yeah, no baggage throwing me off balance.

 

This place is full of great people. I have made some good friends here that have helped me through some rough times and vice versa. There are 3 in particular that if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be the me I am right now.

 

Plenty of people know what you are feeling Summer, and they want to help any way they can. PM me any time if you need to talk.

 

Thanks, how sweet of ya, DDog! Well, yes, it did get me a away from the DDogs, lol, my brother was one too and let's just say that a lot of the Marines he/we knew weren't exactly faithful. But I'm sure there were plenty of nice ones too.

 

I feel like to a big extent, I have healed. I'm just tired of the whole dating scene, of meeting people that I find no connection with.... kinda reminds me of this poem called the Wall Around Your Heart, this line goes, "Hard luck and losses and loves double crosses that all broken hearts seem to find." Seems that when your heart is mending, you just can't help but attract all the WRONG ones. I have since decided to put all that energy into my career and education but that puts a whole other dilemna on the table: the smarter/deeper you get, the harder it is to try to find a person you can really relate to.

 

Lately, I've had these two guys keep calling me who are driving me nuts. Totally shallow with no goals for the future whatsoever. I'm like, "what is it about me that is attracting these people?" So, I'm taking a hiatus. No more dating for a while unless I meet someone that just sets my heart (among other things) on fire! lol, sounds funny, but god, chemistry is SOO hard to find, you know?

[Devildog]

Yeah Summer, I know exactly what you mean. I've talked about this with a few others here. Sometimes I fear that the introspection and analyzation we do here is dooming us from ever finding a good relationship again. I sometimes fear I won't find anyone that meets my needs and goals.

 

I don't know what it is that attracts the wrong people when we are healing. Maybe they are like sharks and smell the blood in the water. It is best to make sure you have healed and are really ready before taking the plunge back into the dating scene again. That way you are less likely to allow someone in that isn't right.

[SummerRae]

totally true. At first I felt the opposite so last summer, I dated like crazy. I somehow thought that I would find someone to take my mind off of fu(k face ex. Sorry, harsh words, I know, but he caused a lot of grief in my life and although I'm not really angry anymore at all, the Title feels so good to say, lol. After no contact, I can now honestly say that hel! ya, I'm glad it's over. ne ways, better get back to work.

[Devildog]

I've felt the same way Summer. It would just make things better to find anyone. Wouldn't feel like you were defective in the relationship. Not the answer though. Probably why rebound relationships never work.

 

Work on a Saturday? Get me some free grant money too!!!!

[Israfil]

Hi DD:

 

What struck me was that you used the words “defenses”. Perhaps building up defenses temporarily is an effective coping mechanism, but I have seen all to well the results of these so-called defenses if they endure too long. You have to heal yourself from the inside out, and let those defenses fall off like a protective scab once your skin below is fully repaired.

 

I think that your idea of making peace is an excellent one, and one that I believe will aid in that self-healing. Once you can make peace with this, or at a minimum come to some kind of equilibrium – a place of acceptance or stasis – you will begin to heal.

 

However, that said, I don’t think that anyone or anything can ever make sense out of your loss. It doesn’t make sense. It never will. And I think if you can find your balance point and wrap your mind around this – accept the non-understanding – therein lies your peace.

 

ohm

 

-Isra

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Israfil

Hi DD:

 

What struck me was that you used the words “defenses”. Perhaps building up defenses temporarily is an effective coping mechanism, but I have seen all to well the results of these so-called defenses if they endure too long. You have to heal yourself from the inside out, and let those defenses fall off like a protective scab once your skin below is fully repaired.

 

I think that your idea of making peace is an excellent one, and one that I believe will aid in that self-healing. Once you can make peace with this, or at a minimum come to some kind of equilibrium – a place of acceptance or stasis – you will begin to heal.

 

However, that said, I don’t think that anyone or anything can ever make sense out of your loss. It doesn’t make sense. It never will. And I think if you can find your balance point and wrap your mind around this – accept the non-understanding – therein lies your peace.

 

ohm

 

-Isra

 

Isra, so true!! Words of wisdom, your words totally remind me of what Thomas Moore says in his book Soul Mates (which definitely isn't about soul mates in the tradional sense of the words! He says we have certain experiences with relationships that are needed good or bad to help faciliate the growth of our Souls.

 

If anyone is interested, you can check out his wonderful website http://www.careofthesoul.net. Very wise insights on relationships from a man who has become known around the world.

[Ladyjane14]

Hey Good Lookin' (woot! woot!)

I really like what you did with your avatar DD. Hey, is that guy actually smiling?

 

It's just amazing the progress you've made since you began this thread. I think Summer's posts are also a testament to the fact that it gets better, and we each have alot of say in our own healing. We have more power than we know sometimes.

 

Originally posted by Israfil

Perhaps building up defenses temporarily is an effective coping mechanism, but I have seen all to well the results of these so-called defenses if they endure too long. You have to heal yourself from the inside out, and let those defenses fall off like a protective scab once your skin below is fully repaired.

 

I liked this thought by Israfil. I think it's great to keep up your defenses while you need them. Even better not to 'pick' at a raw wound. But when the healing is done, that big scab is just baggage that you gotta lug around with you. Best to let it fall away.

 

I don't think you can afford to let your guard down too much with STBX yet though DD. She's going to be playing a few mind games with you for awhile. I don't think that is deliberate on her part, but she's still messed up...while you're down the road to recovery.

[TheFaithfulWife]

I was in shock after reading this entire posting. This was craziness.

I lost My daughter at 21 days, she was in a cradle that was a rocking one and the locking pin was not in place. She moved and the motion of her moving caused her to turn face down into the corner of the cradle and she suffocated.

 

Did I wish to talk to my husband at this time? No! He was experiencing the same grief I was. Did I talk to a male friend? Yes! ....I also talked to a female friend as well.

Sometimes you need to talk to someone who knows you, but who is not connected to the grief you are feeling, it is hard to prop up another person when you are on the verge of falling down yourself.

 

Did your wife need to be accused of cheating? did you inadvertantly drive her into his arms?

 

I think jealousy drove you apart. It is obvious that she still loves you as she has told you so.

 

To be accused of cheating when you are just trying not to fall apart is insane. It just makes a person form a stronger bond with the other guy. If you are already considered guilty of the crime you may as well say F. it and do the deed.

 

It took ten years for my husband and I to finally talk to each other about our daughters death, and that was with a marriage counselor after he had an affair. I discovered that he thought I held him responsible for her death because she was in his care at the time.

 

Should we have talked to each other long before that? of course! But you don't always know what is best, you go with what feels right.

 

If she wouldn't go to grief counseling, you should have! You would have probably discovered from the counselor exactly what I said here.

 

I believe your wife when she said all they did initially was to talk about your daughters death.

 

I think your marriage was destroyed by jealousy and your unwillingness to let her have time to adjust to the grief.

I noticed your posts becoming more angry and the anger was fed by those who have never been where you were at.

This was a very sad series of posts.

 

I do peer grief counseling, so I am not just another fool talking out my hat.

I have talked to many woman that I was referred to by the social services office and all have said the same thing, you either totally become extremely close to your husband and you talk to no one but him, or you do the total opposite and you cannot talk to him because you can not bear to feel his grief as well as yours.

 

I am very sorry that things turned out this way for you

 

TheFaithfulWife