Author Devildog Posted February 27, 2005 Author Share Posted February 27, 2005 TheFaithfulWife, Call it jealousy if you want. This "friend" was a guy that had already attempted to interfere in our relationship. This "friend" was coming over to my house while I was at work and my daughter was in bed. These visits were rarely ever mentioned to me by my STBXW. I was talking to my STBXW on the phone while he was standing right in front of her and it "slipped her mind to mention it". I heard dozens of stories of why she had to talk to him. And it was a different story every time. Even going so far as to claim he called her with a shotgun next to his head one night. All these lies, and I am wrong for not trusting the situation? I understand her need to talk to someone about it, someone who wasn't a part in the sadness. She choose the one person she knew I didn't trust, becasue I had gotten burned by this bastard before. I never accussed her of cheating until after the separation began and while she was "going to focus on us and our marriage" all she was doing was having him over more often. She willingly chose the path, I didn't drive her down it. I asked her to talk to him over the phone instead of him coming over or going there. "No, F**k you, all my way" that was her response. She had hundreds of options that would have defused this situation, and she still chose the path that she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 To the faithful wife: You bring up valid points, IF THE MAN INVOLVED WAS ANYONE ELSE. This guy has a history of interfering in their relationship. If DD's wife was the least bit considerate of his feelings, she would have turned to someone else for comfort. You, (and her) seemed to be forgetting that he is ALSO grieving. She could have turned to ANYONE, why did she have to choose the one guy who she knew was going to cause additional unneeded friction in her relationship. Why the secrecy? Why the lies. Why did it HAVE to be this guy and this guy only! I'll tell you why - she was cheating!! Hello? She was using this tragedy as an excuse to be with another man knowing full well that it was not going to sit well at all with her husband, who is also attempting to deal with this tragedy. If she cared one little bit for her husband's feelings, this man would have been no where in sight while they worked through this. You may be a grief counsellor, but for some reason, you've decided to just disregard the most important part about this whole sad story. This guy wasn't just anybody, he was the LAST guy that should have been involved! He was clearly the last thing that their marriage needed at that time or at any time. TheFaithfulWife, you most certainly missed the boat on this one! Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Yikes, All Iwas trying to point out is that she may have been wrongfully accused. She and the man she was talking to had a history. He may have helped her in the past. I have a friend that whenever she and her husband have had some issues and also when her father died, She would call her ex husband and discuss things with him. Sure not the best guy in the world to talk to. Her present husband finally worked up the nerve to confront him and ended up talking to him for 6 hours. He came home and told his wife that he and the ex-husband were going out the next day so he could talk to him and go shoot some pool. They ended up the best of friends. I have the same type of relationship with my husbands ex-wife. Things may not always be what they seem. Accusations and jealously may have done more harm to DD's marriage then his wife talking to her ex boyfriend. Sure I may be wrong, but I still think he jumped the gun. TFW Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 TheFaithfulWife, I understand what you are saying. But this guy is a predator. Even his close friends will tell you he is a habitual liar who will say and do whatever he has to to get what he wants. And his older brother is the same way, did the same thing to another guy I went to school with. He wasn't being a supportive friend. He was being a wolf using grief as an opening. She may not have had any intention of cheating, but he did. Would it have been better for me to wait until she gave in to a moment of weakness? I wasn't accusing her of cheating initially. Not until all the lies. Not until the sneaking behind my back. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TheFaithfulWife, Sure there may be some similarities between his situation and yours and even that of your friends but they are still different!! DD, his wife and this fellow have a past history that has caused his marriage harm. DD has previously made it clear (several times I might add) that there has been a history of sneaking around and deception where this man in concerned and you have the neve to accuse him of jumping the gun!! You think that he should be okay with this? I have one question for you: What in the heck are you smoking? Y Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 I am sorry for sounding like a prick. I too had a "friend" with an agenda who took it upon himself to have an affair with my wife. Y Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 TFW- Did you take the time to read the entire thread??? DD is the VICTIM here. True, they were both hurt by the death of their daughter- who wouldn't be. I'm extremely sorry for your loss hon, I can't imagine how anyone recovers from that- although I have known people to. DD did everything in his power to save his marriage. He moved out when she asked him to- she's lied, lied, lied. Her own family has said she cheated with this guy. I believe in my heart if she would have admitted what she did that DD would have taken her back- without question. Perhaps you should go back and read the entire thread just to see what he's experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Dear Faithful Wife, I've been reading and posting on this thread for nearly 5 months. We've turned this thing upside down and looked at it from every angle. It would have been nice to hear from DevilDog's STBX and to actually experience her side of the issues, but failing that, I think we've tried all we can to walk a mile in her shoes. I'm convinced that her relationship with her friend was in fact....inappropriate. I think her grief affected her ability to make good decisions, but there has been approximately 6 months for her to reevaluate those decisions. She has never done any back-peddling on this. With that in mind, I believe that she had an agenda that involved divorcing her husband all along. I think it's possible that she has used the grief for her child as an excuse to see that agenda accomplished. Who knows why people do the things they do. I've read the majority of DevilDog's posts, and I have not found him to be a controlling or abusive with other people. I have no reason to suspect that he was that way with anyone else. And believe me.... I asked! It's possible that she just got it into her head that she would be happier without being married to him. And nothing he has ever posted in this thread over the past 5 months has illustrated her in deviating from that goal. From the time she asked for separation in order to "think about what she really wanted" to the time that she filed for divorce, she has moved steadily and inexoribly onward to ending the marriage. I do commend you, Faithful Wife, for looking past the poster's POV and trying to see the unrepresented other side. I think we'd all be alot better off here at LS if we looked at posts and remembered that we were only looking at one side of the story. In this particular case, I think over the course of time, even though the WS has never represented herself in person, she has not been treated unjustly. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 I did read the entire series of posts and maybe I have the situtation all wrong. I just know what my feelings were when my daughter died. I was confused, hurt and a wreck and would have reached out to anyone (aside from my husband) who was sympathetic. I know that my daughters death almost destroyed my marriage, as my husband thought I blamed him for her death and assumed I had stopped loving him. Years later he started an affair with another woman, still under the assumption that I didn't love him anymore. We lived in the same house after her death but we stopped communicating. I did not find out till we started counseling that he had a nervous breakdown at work. He worked next to a county medical facility and was taken there. It was not until after the breakdown that he started the affair, he never once made the attempt to tell me about what was going on with him. I just knew he became moody and even though I tried to discuss things with him he clammed up. So much time was wasted between us both because we were so afraid of bringing up hurtful things between us. That is why I reacted so strangely to these posts, I saw a situtation where the same type of thing was happening. I saw a Wife that refused to talk to her husband, and a husband it seemed who was assuming the worst. Sure maybe I read it wrong, it is sometimes very hard to get a feeling for a situtation without actually knowing both parties. I just picked up on a lot of anger and hurt. TFW Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Originally posted by TheFaithfulWife Sure maybe I read it wrong, it is sometimes very hard to get a feeling for a situtation without actually knowing both parties. I just picked up on a lot of anger and hurt. TFW I happen to think that a lot of what you said was a very fresh perspective and good advice. It is also correct that it is tough to get a true picture when we only hear from one party. For the most part I have found many of the folks here in these forums seem to be pretty good at honestly describing their situations, even when it means revealing their own warts. I do feel that DD falls into this category. I certainly KNOW that I'm not perfect... just ask my ex wife!! Cheers! Y Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted March 2, 2005 Share Posted March 2, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Who knows why people do the things they do. I've read the majority of DevilDog's posts, and I have not found him to be a controlling or abusive with other people. I have no reason to suspect that he was that way with anyone else. And believe me.... I asked! Never has a kind word, always critical, constantly putting me down, never compliments me, and even uses sex as a weapon....Oh Wait, <<---MA needs to let go of his ex-wife...... Devildog WAS and may very well still be angry and hurt. He's got every reason to be. It's a good thing too, that he reached into himself and let all that stuff out. From What I can gather this WAS clearly a situation where she walked away from a salvageable marriage. AND did the cruelest thing of all to Dd. Used his grief against him. THat's kicking him when he's beat down as it is. When, IMO, a humane person, would help him up or leave him to get up on his own. A partner in that situation , IMO would at least roll over next to him and hurt along-side him. But that's not what happened. Yeah, I'm still a bit jaded by MY experience. But I can still see clearly. Even clearer now that the rose colored glasses have been slapped off my face. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom Never has a kind word, always critical, constantly putting me down, never compliments me, and even uses sex as a weapon.... :lmao: OMG...MA....you may have solved the whole dating-after-divorce dilemma. Why didn't I think of it before??? Of course.....Switch-hitting! It's brilliant. Do you think he'll go for it? (j/k...you had it coming though....you made me snort my drink out of my nose! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 3, 2005 Author Share Posted March 3, 2005 In a word Ladyjane...... NO 20 pages. Almost 300 posts. Am I sad and pathetic or what? Yeah, I think it is safe to say this situation has been looked at from every angle. TFW, I so appreciate your insight in this situation. There is some truth to your views on what my wife might be feeling. But the choices she made to implement her decision, was just the most hurtful choices she could make. I did do everything possible to save the marriage. I left every possible avenue open to allow a reconciliation, even though I knew the relationship was seriously stacked against me. I was willing to allow it to become even more so. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 DDog, have I told u what a sweety you are?? Well, u r. Just wanted to see how everything's goin' for you? Lemme know. Summer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 3, 2005 Author Share Posted March 3, 2005 The end of the whole nightmare ordeal is near for me. Less than two weeks to go now, and I will be able to officially and legally move on with my life. It amazes me sometimes. I have beautiful ladies on here telling me what a sweetie I am and my wife swore I was the Anti-christ. LOL Of course I think there is truth to both theories. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 The Anti-Christ, lol, hahaha, right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 3, 2005 Author Share Posted March 3, 2005 Well, I don't like to brag, (oh, hell, yeah I do ) but I do have a distinctly evil streak to me Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 3, 2005 Share Posted March 3, 2005 Sometimes evil is good, dawg! Two weeks huh? Is that until it's final?? I hopefully get to sign by the end of next week.............. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 4, 2005 Author Share Posted March 4, 2005 Mar 15 is the court date to finally put this all to rest. My life becomes my own again on that date. Of course all of my paycheck being my own is a different story Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 DD and others who have a pending court date: I had thought long and hard about divorcing my husband. It wasn't an easy decision. I felt a lot of things before, during and after the divorce, most of which was guilt. No one had told me about going to court, so I had no idea what to expect. Maybe I had the experience that I did because we didn't disagree about anything. We just split up. Maybe it was because I had struggled with my emotions for so long that my emotions were used up or I thought court would be emotional as well. Or maybe I had heard so many horror stories that I thought there would be some big "courtroom drama," even though we had no issues to contend with. All I can say was I was sort of shocked that we went in, went before the judge, answered some questions, signed some papers and it was over. The lady in the clerk's office stamped the papers and we were done. This is going to sound so stupid, but it was pure business. You know how you might run someone into the hospital with a deep cut and the emergency staff acts like it's nothing? That's how my experience was. I know, I know. It was MY marriage and not THEIRS, but I was just really surprised for some reason. I didn't really like that other people were in the courtroom. In Michigan, by law, they have to ask (in front of everyone) if the wife is pregnant - even if she's 80 years old. Of course, I wasn't PG, but I hardly think that it's the business of the other people in the courtroom, ya know? The guy ahead of us was alone getting his divorce. Both he and we were done in a matter of minutes. (Ours was probably less than seven minutes.) Anyway . . . I just wanted to give you a taste of my experience, as a bit of preparation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 Thanks Lil Honey! I don't think H and I have to be there at the same time in my state. I don't think we have to go to court if we are in agreement. I hope not anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted March 15, 2005 Author Share Posted March 15, 2005 Well, the time is almost upon me. In roughly 12 hours this will all be over. No matter how prepared I think I am , all day long the dread and anxiety has been steadily building. I need this over with. I need to be able to move on. I think it's gonna be a long night. Anyway, looks like this thread will hit 300 posts. Wonder where that ranks for the longest running and most pages? Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 And 300. DD... I just wanted to do my part. Y Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 15, 2005 Share Posted March 15, 2005 Uh, Ladyjane, you got a calander handy? The 15th of March falls on a Tuesday this year. Oh, for pete's sake! My 2004 calendar is still hanging on the wall in here! I'm sorry. I wish this had gone the other way for you. I know you'll be okay, because you've got a good head on your shoulders. I hope that if you start feeling stressed out during the day tomorrow, you'll remember that you've done all you could. And surely, there's someone special out there who is going to reap the benefits of this day.....someone who will appreciate a terrific guy like you. I just realized something...... the Ides of March. Well, isn't that ironic? p.s. Try to resist the whole "et tu Brute" thing for as long as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
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