Ladyjane14 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Why not just tell your wife "No Thanks"? You could easily tell her that you don't feel it would be appropriate, but that you do fully intend to spend next Halloween trick-or-treating with your daughter......without your Ex. I've noticed that most divorced couples tend to take turns for special occasions. Why not Halloween too? It would be more fun for you and your little one next year anyway...WITHOUT all the stress and confusion. You'll be more comfortable and act more natural to begin with. And if she doesn't see you and her mommy hanging out together, she won't be confused about why you aren't going home with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 Why not just tell your wife "No Thanks"? Because then I feel like I am punishing my daughter for what my XW did. And unlike my XW, I don't want to make my daughter suffer because of my decisions. I think my daughter understands now where things stand between my XW and myself. Of course I was invited to go trick or treating with "Ms. Spark" and her daughter though...... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 I don't think you'd be punishing your daughter at all. She's going to be excited about the costumes and the candy. She's unlikely to notice much more than that. But what you could accomplish is to set up a precedent for having your daughter to yourself for special occasions. Have you talked at all with your Ex about how you'll manage holidays and birthdays? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 For the most part holidays and what not are laid out in the custody agreement. We have had a few go rounds on that still though. She is of the impression that the custody agreement only pertains to me and what I can and can't do. She thinks she has free reign to do whatever she wants with our daughter though. Wrong answer. She also thinks she got some sort of veto power over the custody and visitation agreement, that when she doesn't like it, or it interferes with her plans, she can just say no. She has no idea how close she was to having the sheriff's department on her doorstep before she finally agreed to abide by the custody agreement on my birthday. But I have set a few precedents. She now understands that if she wants me to give her something, she has to start giving first. She liked to play that "we need to work together, give and take" when she wanted something, extra time with our daughter and what not. But when I wanted extra time, hell no. So it was I give and she takes. I fixed that the Columbus day weekend though. Even though it cost me some extra time with my daughter, she didn't get what she wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Have there been any provisions made regarding Halloween, or does it fall into the regular visitation schedule? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 No provisions for Halloween. Since that doesn't fall under the federal holiday category. It will end up being one of those things that will be hammered out when we re-negotiate the custody agreement in the future though. Unfortunately my XW is not a reasonable person and unless a judge declares she has to do things like this, she isn't going to. Kind of like my daughter's birthday. There are provisions for my birthday and my XW's birthday, but nothing about our daughter's birthday. So my XW thinks she gets that day every year. Still another attempt by her to control things basically. If I want that time with my daughter, I have to give in to her demands, or share that time with her. I guess she still doesn't believe I have a propensity for evil and can make her existence a living hell if I so choose. She may just end up learning the hard way yet. The next custody agreement she will lose quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 Well, in that case....you may have to 'play ball' for now. Is your arrangement a "joint custody" one? Or does she have custody with you only having "visitation"? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 You know, actually....I have to back-peddle here. I still wouldn't allow her to command my presence on special occasions. It sets a difficult precedent, and you'll be hard-pressed to get her attention later on when YOU want to spend time on your own with your daughter. Instead, why not decline the invitation? Make arrangements for a brief visit, where you can admire Little Bit's costume, take some snap-shots, and put some candy in her trick-or-treat pail. THEN, go out with Miss Spark and have some fun. Let ex-wife know that you expect to spend next Halloween with your daughter, and that she can be the one who gets the "brief visit". If she gives you ANY guff, give her a tight smile....and ask her very directly if she REALLY wants to go back into court over such a small-ticket item as Halloween. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 For the most part holidays and what not are laid out in the custody agreement. We have had a few go rounds on that still though. She is of the impression that the custody agreement only pertains to me and what I can and can't do. She thinks she has free reign to do whatever she wants with our daughter though. Wrong answer. She also thinks she got some sort of veto power over the custody and visitation agreement, that when she doesn't like it, or it interferes with her plans, she can just say no. She has no idea how close she was to having the sheriff's department on her doorstep before she finally agreed to abide by the custody agreement on my birthday. But I have set a few precedents. She now understands that if she wants me to give her something, she has to start giving first. She liked to play that "we need to work together, give and take" when she wanted something, extra time with our daughter and what not. But when I wanted extra time, hell no. So it was I give and she takes. I fixed that the Columbus day weekend though. Even though it cost me some extra time with my daughter, she didn't get what she wanted. I am getting Thanksgiving and Christmas this year because we're going to the beach for Thanksgiving and he didn't want the kids to miss out on the trip. AND- he didn't want to have them the entire week and miss out on his deer hunting but he wouldn't come out and say that. So, I told him he could have them for Halloween. I asked for snapshots of them in their costumes to be e mailed to me. I'm about to have to go back to court DD to renegotiate the custody agreement that ex and I have. Even though we have joint custody and visitation and I plan for him to always have the kids whenever he wants them- he thinks he is calling the shots. For example, signing my son up for football without discussing it with me first and such. So, when we go back to court we will have joint visitation, but I will be the decision maker. 150-200 e mails in which he ranted and raved should be proof that he's not thinking clearly when it comes to things like this and only trying to punish me for moving on. I spend as little time in his presence as I possibly have to. If I were you I'd think carefully before going. Seeing her family and spending time with her and your daughter might just be too painful for you. Besides, I wouldn't want her to use this opportunity to put any "digs" in at you. Based on her past actions, I find it hard to believe she doesn't have a motive in mind when doing this besides pleasing your daughter...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devildog Posted October 24, 2005 Author Share Posted October 24, 2005 We have joint custody, but she is the custodial parent. She is suppossed to consult with me and get my approval on issues such as school, doctors, etc. So far, she hasn't exactly done that, but it all gets logged for the next time we go to court. I don't usually spend any time with the XW. Our only contact is picking up and dropping off my daughter for the most part. I just figured I should mention when I have some bad times too. It isn't all rosy yet. Link to post Share on other sites
CHAZ87 Posted October 24, 2005 Share Posted October 24, 2005 It just floors me reading about the s*** stew you are swimming in. Changing one moment in July and I would be going through the same crap with my wife. Your ex and my wife sound like they could be clones or something. It is amazing to see women become mentally unstable on there own accord. I do have to agree with LJ, like you didn't know to do that, if she gives you any guff, give her a tight smile and do your thing. I definetly know about the bad times. Once a week I reckon. Hang in there Marine!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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