Marriage in jeopardy due to male "friend" with an agenda

[Devildog]

So it has now been a full day since our seperation began. I was amazed at how quickly I moved past the denial and sadness stage and got to anger so quickly. She says this is hard for her too. That is funny, she still lives in the same house, has our daughter, has her friends and family, the only thing she sacrificed in this situation is me. I am the one who has had to give up everything, my whole world for the past five years. And this is hard on her?

 

Last night I had written her a long email telling her how I felt with the "friend" issue and that I couldn't get past that, but the other co-worker part I did apologize. I am not always a jealous person who flips out anytime she talks to a guy. But it helps if I know something about the guy. She had never really told me anything about this guy at work other than that they had talked a few times on the phone, etc. I pointed out that I never had an issue on Saturday at my brother's wedding when she was talking to a guy that I have known through my family and that I had thought was friends with her brother. I told her this. Of all the things I mentioned in that long, heartfelt message, she picked up on the issue that this guy she knew from High School, not through her brother and that shows her how much I know about her.

 

So in response to her email telling me that she needs to figure out these "puzzle pieces" of her life on her own, I emailed her back telling her a good place to start would be to grow up, stop living in denial and take some responsibility for her decisions and actions. Probably not the wisest thing to do on my part, but I don't think I have anything to lose by doing this. Maybe she will actually think about it and realize that she has been a significant part of our problems.

[sami]

I'm glad to hear that you are out of your " denial" stage. It is good for you to realize just that. Your anger will fade away by time. Just try hard to move on with your own life. Try also hard to bring yourself together from within. Clean and clear your entire inners. When you fully and completely do that life will take a complete happy turn for your own good. You will eventually turn to be the only winner to the exclusion of all others except your own daughter of course. I personally wish you the best in your future. Good luck my friend.

[Devildog]

Thanks sami, I don't know if things are over between us, I hope she really thinks about what I told her. If she decides to seriously face reality then I am willing to work on saving our marriage. Marriages do take work, and it takes an effort from both parties to make it work. I can't do it on my own if she isn't willing to do her part and she has to realize that she has blame in this situation and she has to make an effort to fix her issues as well.

 

Maybe this is just the kick in the pants she needs to wake her up.

[Ladyjane14]

Sounds like you're having a rough time right now, and by the times of your posts, it doesn't look like you're sleeping well. Sorry. The most important thing for you to do when you're stressed out is to take good care of your body. Fuel it right, and rest it right, but you know that I'm sure from your Marine training.

 

I wish I'd posted last night, because I was thinking that NOW might be the time to show her the charming man she first came to know and love. I can only guess based on what you have written, but I think the more pressure you put on her, the further she'll drift away. She might do that anyway, but you have nothing to lose by trying. You're already in pain over this, and if you felt that giving up on it would ease your emotional distress, that would be understandable. Otherwise, why not woo her a little?

 

Maybe ask her out on some dates , and agree not to tackle the issues over dinner. (You should make all the arrangements, btw. It's becames a chore for a woman when she has to arrange the sitter and plan the activities.) Call her on the phone just to see how her day is going, and DON"T TACKLE THE ISSUES. E-mail her fun cards, text message her jokes. Show her that it's still fun to be with you; that you're still smart and dynamic. Let her see what she's giving up. Let her know that she is your priority.

 

You know, when I had so much trouble in my marriage, it wasn's another guy I wanted. It was the guy that I had chosen to begin with. Trouble was, is that I was CONVINCED that he was gone, replace by some a*hole who was just bent on misery-making. I think most married women really just want the man that they fell in love with to come back.

[Devildog]

Nope Ladyjane, I work nights, and it gets slow so that is why I post at these odd hours. I've tried the wooing her back, tried to make changes, tried to understand why I feel the way I do. She says it isn't me that is the problem right now, just that she needs to put her life back together afte losing our daughter. Somehow tearing our life apart is supposed to help her get her life back together? What about my life? What about the fact that I lost our daughter too. And now I have to lose the rest of my family? Who wouldn't be angry in that situation? I have been an emotional hostage through this situation. I have been hurt to the very depths of my soul.

 

But thanks for yur suggestions though

[Ladyjane14]

Did she have any grief counseling at all? And how long have you been working nights? Is that an issue? I HATED it when my husband worked night-shifts.

[Devildog]

No grief counseling, she refused. Anyone brought it up she accussed them of calling her crazy. She needs it, but she won't consider it. I told her that the way she is getting short tempered with our daughter is not how she used to be, and then I was calling her a lousy parent. Can't win the arguement against twisted logic like that.

 

Been working nights for the last 10 months or so. It does cause some strain, but she sleeps while I am at work and I sleep while she is at work, so we still had evenings together, just didn't sleep in the same bed except on weekends. Not that I was missing out on anything in the bedroom. Twice a month was if I was lucky, usually once a month and only once in the last 3 months now.

[Ladyjane14]

Well, that all sounds pretty rough. She really does sound like she needs help, but you won't be able to MAKE her get it. She'd have to want it for it to do any good anyhow.

 

Do you still want to hang in there and make the marriage work?

[Ladyjane14]

If you do want to make the marriage work, I think you ought to go back home. However, you know the situation best, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

I'm just thinking that there's likely one of two things at work here. Either she really is confused about what she wants in life --or-- she's just trying to find the easiest way out of the marriage.

 

In many states, one spouse can't evict the other from the home that they share together. Is it possible that she has gently maneuvered you out of the home? Have you considered seeing an attorney to find out what your legal rights are? I'm not saying that you should pursue separation or divorce at this time, but if she slaps YOU with papers, she's in good position with possession of the home and primary custody of the child.

 

On the other hand, if she is confused and depressed, isn't it still better to be there supporting her? If you are respectful and non-threatening, if you are cheerful and helpful, couldn't you then be a reassuring presence in the home? Even if you're sleeping on the couch, at least you're there.

 

What about changing shifts to be present in the family on THEIR schedule?

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll lay your anger aside. It will muddy your thinking and make the situation worse. And if you feed it, it will grow - until it's an insurmountable wall between you. Work it out with your counselor, and don't let it get the best of you.

 

Spend quality time with your daughter NO MATTER WHAT. She'll be needing your reassurance that you haven't really gone away. The time you spend with her could be beneficial for you both. Kids are fun, and they remind you what life is all about.

[Devildog]

Of course I want to make my marriage work. I still love her deeply, and I took our marriage vows very seriously. I don't want to throw away five years of my life without trying.

 

Can't change shifts. There are no openings on the day shift, which is the only shift i could change to to have anytime at all with her.

 

I want to be there to help her. I didn't want this seperation, I tried very hard to avoid this. She says she needs this to get her head back together and see if she can still be the wife I deserve. she feels that she has to do this on her own. And she isn't going to do anything until she can make sure our daughter feels happy and secure first. I don't see how taking a loving parent away from a 2 1/2 year old little girl is going to make her feel happy and secure. it will take her months just to adapt to the confusing situation of only seeing me a few days a week, seperately from my wife. So she won't even be able to start to get her head together for 3 months. And then only if she decides that is the next piece of the puzzle that needs to be fixed. I am looking at floating in limbo for the next year possibly. And how much is my daughter going to resent me by then? Only seeing me every other weekend? At that age she doesn't understand that my wife needs to get her head straight, she understands that I am not there to pick her up from daycare every day, and that she doesn't see me every day. And that my wife is the only full time parent there. How much damage do you think that is going to cause?

 

My wife is running away from the real issues, and that isn't helping anything.

[Ladyjane14]

What would happen if you just went back home?

[Devildog]

Probably just tick her off.

[SoleMate]

I'm with Ladyjane. I don't understand why you left. Walking out of the family home is RARELY a way to put a marriage back together. I sympathize with you deeply over what you are going through.

 

She may get "ticked off" at you for going back home, but I honestly don't see that this puts you in a worse position. Please try <URL removed> - it's great advice that you can start using immediately.

[Devildog]

I think if I didn't leave and try this it would be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

 

My wife doesn't feel she hates me, she feels confused and isn't sure about herself. She doesn't feel that she has been fair to me as far as being the kind of wife I deserve. I am hoping that this time will give her an opportunity to find herself and that she will give us another chance. I just feel like this is my fault. It isn't really, but that is how it feels.

 

I have looked at marriage builders, but i can't try to do anything until my wife is ready.

[Devildog]

I hate this. I am so confused about this whole situation. She sent me an email today telling me what things I should have on hand for this weekend with our daughter. It just seemed so very cold and distant. I don't know if this is a No Contact kind of thing that she is trying to keep emotions out of this or what? I feel like I have been kidnapped and had a bag thrown over my head and am being driven somewhere. I don't have any control or any idea where this is heading.

 

It's been 2 days now since I have seen her or heard her voice and my heart is just breaking. I am in a strange environment, surrounded by strange things that bring me no comfort. My family tries to help, they want to help, but they don't know how. They are not emotionally open people. I spend hours of the day alone with no one to talk to and I am just going crazy from the loneliness. If there had been infidelity or abuse or some major problem like that this might be easier to understand and handle. I wasn't the perfect husband, but I think I have been better than average. I have always been faithful, caring, compassionate and devouted to my family.

[Devildog]

Tell me what you think of this. I realize most of my instincts are going to backfire in trying to save my marriage. But I want to help my wife and show her I care about what she is going through. So instead of professing my undying love, I think I will set that all aside and try talking to her and offer my opinions and advice on what she is trying to come to terms with.

 

I realize her emotional questions at this point haven't been triggered by one event. There has been a buildup of these events that never were resolved and they have overwhelmed her at this point. I think that the begining of what she is currently feeling goes back to the birth of our first child. Now that I think about it that is when she started to change. After that she became less interested in sex and started to feel distant. She was kind of young when our daughter was born, 23 years old. She had never really done anything with her life, no excitement, hadn't really gone anywhere. When our daughter was born I think on some level she realized that she is a parent, she has to be a responsible adult and take care of the baby. All the things she had wanted to do and see wouldn't happen now that she had a child. I think this might be why things were temporarily better after we took our vacation a few months ago. We got out of the area and saw a part of the country we hadn't been to before.

 

Sound like this is possible or likely?

[Ladyjane14]

I've got to work today, so I only have a minute. I think it's great that you want to try and help her figure things out. You'll need to be passive rather than active though. Women oftentimes would rather have sympathy than having their man "fix" it for them, which of course is his natural inclination. Another male/female paradox, I suppose.

 

I still don't think it's fair that you are having your life torn apart in this way. It's obvious that she has some issues to work through, but by refusing professional counceling, she is not giving you any hope that she's going to get it done.

 

A more fair exchange would be for her to agree to do WHATEVER is necessary to fix this, as you have been good enough to give her what she wanted, which is space to work on it alone.

 

You've made all the sacrifices, and she has made none. It's no wonder that you are feeling put upon here. That will grow into terrible resentment in time. If it gets big enough, you might not be able to overcome it.

[Matilda]

Hi devildog,

 

I thought I'd chime in with my experience, though I'm not really sure if it will help you. I've been married about 10 years. I have a son who was born 5 years ago. For the first 18 months of his life, he seemed like a fine, healthy baby. He did all the right things developmentally. At 18 months though, he still wasn't saying any words, or even responding to his name, and then he began to have strange behaviors, like licking the windows and rubbing things all the time with his fingers. He wasn't interested in toys or his siblings, although he was still very affectionate with my husband and myself. Anyway, to make a long story short, we found at when he was 2 that he has autism. Then about 2 years after that, about a year ago now, we realized that his autism is severe. It is unlikely that he will ever talk, he still doesn't respond to his name, and he will always need to be cared for.

 

When I finally realized how bad the situation really was, that he wasn't going to get any better, it was devastating. I had been grieving since he was diagnosed, and absolutely obsessed with finding out everything I could about autism and possible treatments, therapies, etc. Well, about a year ago, I just became completely overwhelmed. My other 2 children were having some minor problems as well. I was crying all the time. If I went to the store with my son, and someone said to him "How old are you?", because he looks normal, and they were just trying to be nice and talk to a little kid. It would break my heart all over again, that he couldn't respond, that he would never be able to respond. I was truly overwhelmed by grief.

 

My relationship with my husband at that point was rocky. Our sex life had been bad, really since the birth of my son. He was a twin, and taking care of twin babies had been overwhelming too. And although we talked about the kids, and were pleasant with each other, I couldn't really relate to him on an emotional level, because if I did I felt I would just fall apart. I was working really hard just to keep myself together enough to care for my children, and I felt if I let go at all, I wouldn't be able to function. I'm not sure I thought about this consciously at the time, but it is all very clear to me now looking back on it.

 

I finally was such a mess, and realized that I wasn't helping anyone, my kids, my husband, or myself, because I was in such a bad place emotionally. I went to the doctor, and started taking an anti-depressant. I also started going to counseling. The anti-depressant helped me to stop crying all the time, so I could actually figure out a way to handle my grief, and finally accept my son's situation. The therapy with the counselor was extremely helpful for me. She introduced me to cognitive therapy, which helped me with all the constant negative thoughts I was having.

 

About 4 months after I started the medicine and therapy, I really felt good again. I started to feel better right away, but I felt really good after about 4 months. I actually got my libido back, and my husband and I now have a sex life. I feel like I am in control of myself again.

 

I am wondering if your wife, and maybe even yourself, is in the place I was in. Just teetering on the edge of not being able to handle life. Maybe she doesn't feel capable of addressing her marital problems, because she is still overwhelmed by grief. Also, she may feel like she can't address her grief, because then she really will fall apart. This is just what I think, because of what I went through.

 

I'm not really sure what you can do about it though. Maybe you could share my experience with her, and see if she can relate to it? You don't have to be crazy to be helped by counseling or anti-depressants. I think counseling is something you both should consider. Good luck to you, and if I can help you in any way, please feel free to ask.

[SoleMate]

I think I will ...try talking to her and offer my opinions and advice on what she is trying to come to terms with.

NOOOOOOO!!! I hope I got you in time!!!

 

Talking with her is fine, but you must only LISTEN and EMPATHIZE. You can ask her to clarify and explain, but do NOT offer any opinions and advice unless they are asked for. It would be a HUGE mistake! It would feel smothering, controlling and bossy.

 

Generous, focussed listening may beone of the most p[owerful acts you can ever perform with another person. There's a lot of sex in this world, but almost no listening.

[Devildog]

Sorry solemate, I didn't get this in time. I am just trying to show my wife I am no longer wrapped up in the pain and anger of what she is putting me through and trying to show her I support her decisions. Good or bad idea time will tell, but I think it helped.

 

I talked with my wife for the first time this morning. She called me, and we talked for about 25 minutes or so. I was right about part of what she was feeling but not the root cause of it, and what I thought was only part of the problem, but it is a big part of it. i think it kind of threw her that I am trying to be supportive in this way. She told me she had to leave work early tuesday because she is so torn up about this and sounded on the verge of tears. I also told her I needed to stop by the house on the way from work to pick somethings up. She said no problem.

 

But there was a problem. 50 minute car drive from work means needing to use the bathroom. As I was standing there at the toilet I saw her wedding ring sitting on the shelf above. She says she feels guilty wearing it and is wearing our anniversary ring on her ring finger instead for the time being. She also wants to open her own seperate account. I don't know if it is so she doesn't feel like she is being unfair with taking my check or what. I didn't argue with her about it, I am trying to make the situation less hostile. But things like that, even if they have good intentions, feel like preperations for failure.

 

I guess I just need to remember she is very confused by all of this right now. All I can do is try to be supportive and non-combative and maybe that will help.

[Devildog]

As time has gone by, I am feeling a bit better about this separation. I miss my wife and child terribly, but it has helped the situation for me. I have been forced to step back and seriously look at the issues and situation. I have had alot of time to think, and to do some reasearch, and get advice and think some more. I have realized that fighting against this situation and trying to change it and prevent it has had no effect. If arguing against what my wife's issues are were the answer I wouldn't be seperated. My way hasn't worked, and I realized that I was thinking I knew best, and my wife didn't. So now I am going to support my wife's judgement on what needs to happen and maybe that will help us.

 

I think, now, that the problems with most separations being unsuccessful is that couples don't try to find the problems and think about them and try to understand, they just get angry and hurt, like I did, and like most people instinctively do. That continues the cycle of fighting and doesn't solve anything. My advice to people in a seperation they didn't want, Let go of the anger. Try to realize what the problems are and work on understanding why you respond the way you do. By understanding what the problems are and why you react the way you do, you are in a much better position to get them under control and make the changes that need to be made to fix your relationship.

[Devildog]

I just wanted to let you know what is going on with me yet. I have been thinking a lot. I have my own puzzle I need to put the pieces into. This is a work in progress for me. The little light bulb of mine is slowly starting to get brighter. Here is what I came to realize today while I was thinking.

 

First of all, the separation was the right thing to do for us. I hope and pray that this will help us get back to the way we wanted things when we got married. But this opportunity has forced me to step back and take a look at the bigger picture of things and some of the problems we have been having. I think I have a better understanding now of some of the problems. Not all of the problems. If we had the answers to all of life and love’s problems we would be rich selling the secrets.

 

One of the things I have realized, and a large part of the reason why I am feeling better with this separation, is that I see what we, and, more specifically I have been doing wrong. I have argued and fought against so many of the things you have suggested, told me and asked me. By doing that what I was actually doing was like saying “I know what I am talking about, what do you know?”. But if I knew so much about what was best, we wouldn’t be at this point. I realize now that my fighting and arguing was an attempt to control everything about this relationship. I was wrong for that. I am sorry. It’s a natural instinct for me to try to defend my position and I need to be less emotional and more open minded about the things that you feel so strongly about.

 

So even if you don’t feel that this is my fault, and it isn’t anything I have done, I do bear a large part of the blame for what I haven’t done.

 

I also have a better grasp on my jealousy issues. I am serious when I tell you that it has never been an issue of trusting you. I trust you completely. I know you are not the type of person who would ever consider cheating on someone you were in a serious, committed relationship with. A large part of my jealousy issues have been my own fault. I haven’t been open and receptive to your desires to do new and different things or just to get out of the house and do things. You need to do these things and I wasn’t going along with that. When I would see you laughing or having a good time or wanting to go out for drinks or what not with other guys I was jealous because I wanted to be the one making you laugh and have a good time. And it was my own fault that I wasn’t the guy that was making you feel that way.

 

I know there are still plenty of things I need to think about and more that I need to understand, but I am starting to see a lot of the things that I have done to bring us to where we are now. I feel that by understanding what the problems are I can get a lot closer to fixing these problems with myself. I realize that I can choose to sit around and have a pity party for myself and hope that you decide that the way I was was good enough for you to live with, or I can find out what some of my issues are and fix them and try to become the kind of man you want to live with for the rest of your life. So please don’t feel bad for me and what I am going through right now. I am doing okay with this. Concentrate on yourself and finding where you want to be.

 

You know, even if you felt that I was in a place where you would be willing to try to get our relationship back on track, I don’t think I would come home. Hmm, is that just a clever ploy to make you ask for me back? No, it isn’t, because I realize that even if you felt better about our relationship and that you were ready to try again, I still don’t think you have had enough time to truly find out what you need to discover. And I can still learn more about myself to become a better person, hopefully a person you will be happy to spend the rest of your life with. Not that I don’t miss you and our daughter.

 

I love you and miss you very much.

 

 

It has already been sent, so I can't change it now, just wanted opinions on it.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad you're feeling better about it DevilDog. Addressing the control issues in such a positive way will surely contribute to your potential success! What do you have to lose, afterall, by trying it her way? At least later on down the pike if it doesn't work out, you'll know you did everything you could.

 

Wow, Matilda, what an inspirational story! You are just a marvel. It's amazing what a person can accomplish when they really put their heart into it.

[Devildog]

Kinda what I was thinking ladyjane, if I just sit and wait and she does leave I would hate myself forever for not doing more.

 

I just wish she would talk to me about what she is thinking. I don't know what is going on in her mind or if I am helping things or making them worse. I am sending what I write as word attachments in email so she doesn't have to read them if she doesn't want to. So far she has wanted to. She is having a rough time with this. I just want her to be happy again, preferably with me as her husband. The not knowing what is going on in her mind is the worst part of this.

[Ladyjane14]

Yep, that's difficult. But to maintain the course you've chosen, patience is best. You've let her know that you're there for her, and that you do want to talk, so that's all you can do. Otherwise, you're still pressing her and trying to control the situation.

 

You sound like a great guy. Have some faith that the woman you chose for life is smart enough to see that!