i dont know if this is abuse

[rainbowblood]

Hey guys,

As the title says im new here and i really dont know if my relationship is abusive or not. He has never physically hit me but has a temper and has shouted at me in the street, trashed and broke stuff in our house, punches walls, hit and screamed at our dogs once to the point that I had to stand in front of him and push him back to get him to stop. This has all been on the occasions that he gets angry, all the other times hes nice.

 

Im 23 we moved in togethor when I turned 20 and things have gotten worse in a sense. He works 20hrs a week in a deadend job saying hes looking for another job to support us but ive never seen him send an app. form. I work 60hrs a week and pay all rent, bills etc, study distance learning for degree and try and do majority of housework. Im tired. I cant cope with it anymore I dont want to be doing this the rest of my life.

 

He never helped with housework at all before he just stayed in bed after work and played computer games now he will do some on his days off then sleep. House is dirty and a tip and i feel like crying everytime i look at it. The dogs hardly ever get walked and mess in the house and Ive tried to tell him they need to be rehomed to someone who can meet their needs even tho it breaks my heart but he wont let them go

He feels like a controlling person to me, he gets angry I hate him drinking becus he gets scary angry and has on occasion started on people.

 

We never hav any money despite me working all the hours we hav 10k debt half of it his on a plumbing course he never started half mine on credit cards to pay for food fuel when we had no money. i hav to borrow money from my parents every month and it makes me want to cry. Ive never tld my parents any of this and i dnt hav any friends to talk to but i know my parents dont like him becus i hav to work so much

all i want to do is go to uni full time to do my nursing degree as thats wat i was going to do bfor i met him but cant think of a way of doing it with me having to work.

 

I dont know if this is abusive, if hes just a crappy boyfriend or im thinking that he is but isnt someone help me.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

Absolutely it's abusive.

Leave.

And don't whatever you do, forget to take the dogs with you.

[todreaminblue]

hey rainbow...(((hugs)))))

 

 

He is abusive....its hard to accept sometimes a person is abusive...you feel a bit crazy....unsure.......insecure......and somehow it always seems to end up something you have done......you feel fear approaching them when you see that look in their eye...you feel cowed......i think sometimes this form of psychological abuse feels worse than a kick to the head....and i have had both.....he is also verbally abusive and from what you have posted could get physical with you...which causes you to react different because you are always the placating the mediator.......

 

...if you truly love him....he needs real help...if he isnt willing to get help.....then you are in for some rough times.....by allowing him to continue behaving the way he is....its going to drag you under you are half under now.........couples counselling sounds like the go........

 

when he isnt drinkign and is approachable....talk to him about how you feel....if you are too scared too......that lets you know that you cant save this relationship.....if you cannot open your mouth or express how you feel to this guy...he isnt the guy for you.........if he refuses to change....you are going to go insane ...he isnt the guy for you...if eh refuses to see how close you are to walking out.....he truly doesnt care about you in the first place.....you are convenient and of a lesser concern to his selfishness and what he wants.....he isnt right for you.......speak....and find peace...i really hope you do...you deserve peace and happiness...not insecurity and doubt........((((((hugs)))) again......stand strong..deb

[juicygirl]

Sweetie you are way too young for all that drama. Leave him now before you end up pregnant or something. Go back to your parents house, I know that can be hard but anything is better than this situation. He seems to have problems with anger and needs professional help.

[sweetheart5381]

Hey guys,

As the title says im new here and i really dont know if my relationship is abusive or not. He has never physically hit me but has a temper and has shouted at me in the street, trashed and broke stuff in our house, punches walls, hit and screamed at our dogs once to the point that I had to stand in front of him and push him back to get him to stop. This has all been on the occasions that he gets angry, all the other times hes nice.

 

Im 23 we moved in togethor when I turned 20 and things have gotten worse in a sense. He works 20hrs a week in a deadend job saying hes looking for another job to support us but ive never seen him send an app. form. I work 60hrs a week and pay all rent, bills etc, study distance learning for degree and try and do majority of housework. Im tired. I cant cope with it anymore I dont want to be doing this the rest of my life.

 

He never helped with housework at all before he just stayed in bed after work and played computer games now he will do some on his days off then sleep. House is dirty and a tip and i feel like crying everytime i look at it. The dogs hardly ever get walked and mess in the house and Ive tried to tell him they need to be rehomed to someone who can meet their needs even tho it breaks my heart but he wont let them go

He feels like a controlling person to me, he gets angry I hate him drinking becus he gets scary angry and has on occasion started on people.

 

We never hav any money despite me working all the hours we hav 10k debt half of it his on a plumbing course he never started half mine on credit cards to pay for food fuel when we had no money. i hav to borrow money from my parents every month and it makes me want to cry. Ive never tld my parents any of this and i dnt hav any friends to talk to but i know my parents dont like him becus i hav to work so much

all i want to do is go to uni full time to do my nursing degree as thats wat i was going to do bfor i met him but cant think of a way of doing it with me having to work.

 

I dont know if this is abusive, if hes just a crappy boyfriend or im thinking that he is but isnt someone help me.

 

Oh jeez this is serious abuse.

 

My ex was exactly the same. I went to school (college, could not afford uni), worked as a tutor, took care of the kids (mine and his) did all the housework and took on all the debt while he spent the money we had on drugs, partying etc. The abuse became so atrocious, he made my sons at 8 and 9 eat off the floor because they spilled food sometimes. I was terrified of him. He threatened to kill me, and then actually attempted it when I told him it was over.

 

He was also cheating on me the entire relationship. Go figure.

 

Get the hell out now!!

 

If you suspect it, then that's enough to warrant walking. Use your gut, it's talking right now.

[TaraMaiden]

Is this yet another one-post wonder....I wonder...?

[rainbowblood]

Hey guys, i want to say thankyou to everyone who replied and its taken me a few days to get back to you simply because everytime i thought about it i want to cry. hes nice and loving most of the time its wen he gets angry he dus these things. wen it first started i used to hide and cry but nowall i can do is just watch him do it when it happens. its not everyday i jst knw that wen it happens i feel numb and angry and just want to scream and get out but everytime i thnk of leaving i jst feel overwhelned. i hate myself for getting into this situation and hav noone but myself to blame.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok.

This is classic.

people come in and post, and thereby describe behaviour which is clearly, evidently, obviously and indefensibly abusive.

 

Others then advise leaving, distancing, removing yourself from the toxic environment - and predictably, the OP comes back in and points out good bits... how kind and loving they can be.

 

Get this:

 

they will get fewer and fewer, while the angry outbursts will increase in frequency and magnitude.

 

I will merely repeat what was said initially:

Contact someone, anyone whom you trust, and grab the dogs and get out of there.

 

As soon as you can.

 

I'm not going to say any more, or add further justifications.

 

You have to get out of there because, you can paint him in all the most wonderful colours you like.

 

It doesn't matter.

He's a bully and he's abusive and you need to leave.

[xpaperxcutx]

There will be no happy future for you if you decide to stay with him. He will drag you down and stop you from pursuing your dreams.

You sound like you have a supportive family. Talk to them and have them help move out from him. This kind of love will only suffocate you and when you are in your 30s you will have wasted your youth on an abusive man.

[imtooconfused]

Hey guys, i want to say thankyou to everyone who replied and its taken me a few days to get back to you simply because everytime i thought about it i want to cry. hes nice and loving most of the time its wen he gets angry he dus these things. wen it first started i used to hide and cry but nowall i can do is just watch him do it when it happens. its not everyday i jst knw that wen it happens i feel numb and angry and just want to scream and get out but everytime i thnk of leaving i jst feel overwhelned. i hate myself for getting into this situation and hav noone but myself to blame.

 

These kind of situations cause me great pain. I know four things about your situation with a high degree of certainty:

 

1. You did not cause your partner to be abusive, nor did any of your actions justify your partner reacting the way that he did. This is the way that he is, and it is through no fault of your own.
   
2. There are no actions that you can take that will apease your partner to the point where the abuse will end.
   
3. The longer you allow the abuse to continue, the more pervasive it will become. It may never become physical but the mental abuse will increase incrementally until you reach the point where you are not even sure who you are anymore.
   
4. Ending the realtionship may sound scary and his reaction may seem scarier, but it is the only option that you have that will cause the abuse to end.
   

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Yes, it is abusive. He is scaring you with his behaviour and neglected your needs. He also sounds depressed and he is drinking. He has been violent towards the dogs, are you next on the list? Unless he gets himself help, he is likely to spiral down and he is already affecting you badly.

 

You need to protect yourself. You are not happy with him and feel you have an an uphill struggle to cope with problems that seem at least partially caused by his failures. What have you got to look forward to from him? (I don't mean life in general, I mean from him?) It sounds like the relationship is a question of pain outweighing pleasure.

 

Where is the love, caring and mutual support that partners need to feel from each other? It sounds like you have tried hard and it's just not working; you are not receiving what you should in a loving relationship.

 

I was in a situation which wasn't working, like yours. Violence wasn't part of it, but just about everything else got worse and worse. I eventually realised it wasn't going to get better, no matter how hard I worked to make the house better, pay the bills or support him. In the end I had to get out for my own sanity. I have never regretted it.

[jennaflorrie]

Yes it is abusive.

 

I know exactly how you feel, I have been with my H for over 20 years. You feel sorry for him, you want to see his good points...but then endure the bad.

 

I have terrible legs now....worse than an 80 year old lady....because my H used to kick at my legs.....when I was in my late 20s and 30s I also put on weight which was hard to lose, started then quit smoking (but it took 15 years), fantasied about being with a guy I hadn't seen since school (because fantasy was my escape) ended up falling in love with a divorced man...moving home.....and you know what.......? He HAS changed, sort of.....but instead of picking on me, I have heard he made his mum cry (just 3 weeks ago), he has nagged and moaned and upset his own daughter (mouthing "I don't like you" at her behind MY back).

 

Now THAT is your future.

 

If you don't like it....go...don't feel sorry for him ITS A TRAP!!!!

 

The guilt, the feelings of pity....all a trap. Imagine he is like a spider....crying these big tears....and you are the fly being lured in. Then WHAM. He has you back.

 

Go now, it will be hard, but these men are lethal as crack heroin and difficult to break...bad bad habits.

[pteromom]

hes nice and loving most of the time its wen he gets angry he dus these things.

 

Think about this.

 

Let me guess... he is nice and loving whenever things are going his way. When you are being loving to him. When all his expectations are being met. When he gets to spend his time the way he wants.

 

And when his expectations AREN'T met, that is when he gets angry and rages and has outbursts.

 

Whether you can apply the label of abuse on his behavior or not doesn't matter. No matter what you call it, you still have to live on eggshells due to his behavior,which is not healthy for you.

 

You may want to check out the forums at bpdfamily.com. Your bf may very well have BPD, but even if he doesn't, some of the lessons there about creating boundaries for yourself may be very helpful for you.

[smile1983]

These kind of situations cause me great pain. I know four things about your situation with a high degree of certainty:

 

1. You did not cause your partner to be abusive, nor did any of your actions justify your partner reacting the way that he did. This is the way that he is, and it is through no fault of your own.
   
2. There are no actions that you can take that will apease your partner to the point where the abuse will end.
   
3. The longer you allow the abuse to continue, the more pervasive it will become. It may never become physical but the mental abuse will increase incrementally until you reach the point where you are not even sure who you are anymore.
   
4. Ending the realtionship may sound scary and his reaction may seem scarier, but it is the only option that you have that will cause the abuse to end.
   

Oh my God, you have just described my entire marriage. It was not so bad at first. There were angry words, throwing things, etc. Then he hit me for the first time. I should have left then, but I stayed. The longer I allowed it to continue, the more frequent it became. I thought about killing myself several times because I wanted it to end. He also threatened to kill me on more than one occasion. Finally, I had enough. I told myself that if he laid his hands on me one more time I was through. When it happened again, I left. I have not looked back.

[LilGirlandOW]

If you dont know if it's abuse, than its abuse. As a general rule.

[TaraMaiden]

I hope the OP is now somewhere 'healthier' to be.

 

Damn well should be by now!

[imtooconfused]

hes nice and loving most of the time its wen he gets angry he dus these things.

 

It's not likely. It's extremely difficult to break with abusers like this because the abuse is so random/subtle and masked by a so many endearing qualities that accepting the abuse would appear in the mind of the OP to be a worthwhile tradeoff. Merely by the title of the thread indicates that she was very conflicted.