What do I do??

[Holly]

I don't even know where to start. Well I have been dating (off and on) this guy for close to two and a half years, we have a really crazy relationship. One minute we are really connected and having a wonderful time and next thing you know we can't get along. Part of the reason is because he can't show or express any of his feeling's. I alway's get "I don't know" or he just change's the subject completely, when I ask him how he feel's about me or anything related to the subject. The problem is we have a lot of fun together....we are constantly laughing and just having a good time. Maybe I am going to answer my own question as I type this..haha..I guess I want to know that he really cares about me, and want's to be with me, and that he is just not using me. Maybe I am forcing him into a relationship...see this goes thru my head, but then I think to myself well why would he have stuck around for so long if he didn't care etc. Another huge problem is I have tried a number of times to break up with him, but I always fall short and end up calling him..so he kinda know's that I will alway's go back to him no matter what. Anybody have any idea's on what to do? I think there is also a spot in me that just want's to be loved by someone. and I am trying to get it from him, but really when I look at it...he doesn't love me. All I know is this is really taking a toll on me.....

 

thanks in advance for your help....

[Tony T]

He may be incapable of feeling deeply about love. He may be scarred. One thing, after two and a half years of dating, you ought to know exactly how you feel about somebody.

 

This guy is not very communicative and I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. You've probably stayed with him all these months hoping he would change the next day. Well, surprise, surprise...he hasn't and probably won't. What you've got is what you're probably gonna have for quite a while.

 

My guess is that there is a lot in his family background, during his childhood, that makes emotional expression very difficult for him. That may also be the cause of his inability, if he has one, to feel very deeply for someone. If he is afraid of being abandoned, which is an issue that comes from childhood, he will purposely guard himself against getting too close to anyone emotionally.

 

More than likely, when he feels he is getting too dangerously close to you, he pulls back to a safe distance. That's why sometimes you feel very connected...and then suddenly you feel his is very distant.

 

As long as you both are laughing and having a good time, he has no reason to confront his own troubling emotional issues or fear any kind of confrontation as his emotions apply to you.

 

If you had a good line of communication, you could sit him down, get into his head, and find out what's happening here. At this point, I would get pretty assertive and insistent on getting to the bottom of this.

 

I am positive he cares for you in whatever way he is able given his mindset, background, etc. However, you are the one who is going to have to decide if that's enough for you to continue being with him. There are many guys you can have just as much or more fun with who will be a lot more affectionate and emotionally close to you.

 

You also have to look into yourself. There have to be some good reasons why you have stayed with this man in this unpredictable environment for so long without getting the full satisfaction of a relationship that you seek.

 

If you can't resolve things so the relationship is tolerable and satisfying to you, then you are the one who will have to decide your next step. You aren't getting any younger.

[Pat]

Read the response below to Jenna. Looks like its a common problem. We are nice women who think we can change men, or that given time, their minds will change.

 

Read the response I wrote her.

[Holly]

He may be incapable of feeling deeply about love. He may be scarred. One thing, after two and a half years of dating, you ought to know exactly how you feel about somebody. This guy is not very communicative and I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. You've probably stayed with him all these months hoping he would change the next day. Well, surprise, surprise...he hasn't and probably won't. What you've got is what you're probably gonna have for quite a while. My guess is that there is a lot in his family background, during his childhood, that makes emotional expression very difficult for him. That may also be the cause of his inability, if he has one, to feel very deeply for someone. If he is afraid of being abandoned, which is an issue that comes from childhood, he will purposely guard himself against getting too close to anyone emotionally.

 

More than likely, when he feels he is getting too dangerously close to you, he pulls back to a safe distance. That's why sometimes you feel very connected...and then suddenly you feel his is very distant. As long as you both are laughing and having a good time, he has no reason to confront his own troubling emotional issues or fear any kind of confrontation as his emotions apply to you.

 

If you had a good line of communication, you could sit him down, get into his head, and find out what's happening here. At this point, I would get pretty assertive and insistent on getting to the bottom of this. I am positive he cares for you in whatever way he is able given his mindset, background, etc. However, you are the one who is going to have to decide if that's enough for you to continue being with him. There are many guys you can have just as much or more fun with who will be a lot more affectionate and emotionally close to you.

 

You also have to look into yourself. There have to be some good reasons why you have stayed with this man in this unpredictable environment for so long without getting the full satisfaction of a relationship that you seek. If you can't resolve things so the relationship is tolerable and satisfying to you, then you are the one who will have to decide your next step. You aren't getting any younger. You really got me thinking and made some really great point's. And as you mentioned above about childhood etc..his dad was exactly like him as well, not being able to share feelings so I think it is a learned action from when he was growing up....and you know what it isn't okay with me that he can't...I think I am selling myself short..thinking oh I wont be able to find anyone else...Thank you for writting back, I really appreciate it..

[Holly]

Read the response below to Jenna. Looks like its a common problem. We are nice women who think we can change men, or that given time, their minds will change. Read the response I wrote her.

You hit the nail exactly in your post to Jenna. It is the same situation, and you know what I am worth more than this, and deserve better..thank you for pointing that out...I give a lot of myself to the relationship and I want someone that can do the same in return...I really want to be close to someone....so thank you very much....