katherine88 Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Hello everyone, I'm really in need of some advice. For starters, I'm 25 and just finished up with school. I've been dating my current boyfriend (we'll call him 'D') for about a year and a half. He's Gerrman and I'm American so obviously we don't see each other a lot, but always communicate on a daily basis. I feel that I really do love him, we've been through a lot together to make the distance work, but this is also my first "serious" relationship as well as my first long-distance one and I'm not sure if the feelings I've been having lately are normal or not. The last time that I saw him was about a month ago, and as usual we spent about two weeks together. During my visit, I just started to feel strange...I was very crabby and sort of struggled to find the "spark" we had. Also, since we've been discussing getting married, I told him that I was having some second thoughts and feeling uneasy about living together right off the bat and everything but it's really our only option if we want to give our relationship a "real" try. He completely understood how I was feeling and the rest of the trip was pretty fun. Since I've returned home, I've noticed that I'm a little more critical of our relationship. I'm always honest with my feelings, and usually it isn't difficult to sort things out with my boyfriend. However, lately there's been something on my mind that I just can't tell him about (not yet anyway)...I think I've developed a big crush on someone else. I've always thought he (we'll call him 'N') was attractive from afar, but never really went out of my way to introduce myself to him until recently. We talked for a while the other night and while it was awkward at first, I think we had a good conversation and he totally gives me butterflies when he smiles at me and does things like touch my shoulder when saying hello to me. I have never ever been this strongly attracted to anyone while dating my current boyfriend, and I am totally at a loss as to what to do about it. I feel terrible for wanting someone else; D is so good to me but lately it's been very frustrating for me because he only seems to want to talk about how much he loves/misses me and nothing else, which is sweet and all but there's a lack of substance there. I've told him about that several times and it never seems to change. I would feel awful if I was the reason he had to cancel his big plans of moving here (if all goes according to plan, he'll be here in about five more months, which is the longest stretch we've been apart but similar lengths of time have been manageable before), not to mention disappointing his family (who I've met several times) and friends. There's also the possibility that it's just the distance and if I were to break up with him, I'd never know what it could be like if we weren't long distance. I was so sure that we'd be together forever before, but lately I just feel like this is a red flag that it isn't working for me. I feel detached and disconnected from him even though we talk daily, and I always tell him about my feelings when I start feeling like that, but nothing changes. So what do you guys think? Is it time for me to pack it up and move on despite the plans my boyfriend and I have? Or am I being too hasty and should I wait and try to work things out even though I've got this big, big crush on another guy? Any advice would be appreciated and I'd be happy to answer questions for context...thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Vervain Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 The problem with dropping a serious relationship for a newer, more exciting one is that you'll eventually encounter the same problem with N along with every other man on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katherine88 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 That's true...I just feel like I'm doing everyone a disservice and I don't know how to "do the right thing" in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 There are so,so,so many factors in play here, it really is just going to have to come down to your gut feeling. Yes, there will always be problems with every person and relationship, but that's not a good enough reason to stay with a LDR boyfriend at 25 yrs of age IMO. A long time marriage, perhaps. And we know nothing about N, could not even be that interested in a LTR, but I don't think that's the point here. It sounds to me like maybe this current R has run it's course and regardless of EVERYTHING else, you have to be true and honest in your actions, heart and soul for everyone's long term best interests. Good Luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 From someone who just exited a 4 year long distance relationship, let me tell you it sucks. Nobody wants to leave it because of the time we put in, and we don't hate eachother or anything...she was the perfect girl but it wasn't the perfect time. If you're questioning your LDR already, and you have no end date in sight planned, get out while you can. It sucks but in the end you need to do what's best for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 That's true...I just feel like I'm doing everyone a disservice and I don't know how to "do the right thing" in this case. Only a year and a half, and you're already thinking of someone else. It'd be a risky marriage. Forget getting married. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you are not attracted to him like you used to (if ever). Then see if the new guy is interested in you. If he's not, you'll be single and meet other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katherine88 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 If you're questioning your LDR already, and you have no end date in sight planned, get out while you can. It sucks but in the end you need to do what's best for YOU. Well the thing is that technically there is an end in sight, he's planning on moving here later this year but then it'll either be full-on living together commitment time, or we'll have to go back to going back and forth like we are now. I would feel bad if I didn't give being together for real a shot, but at the same time it's so much pressure and I don't know if I'm ready obviously... Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Well the thing is that technically there is an end in sight, he's planning on moving here later this year but then it'll either be full-on living together commitment time, or we'll have to go back to going back and forth like we are now. I would feel bad if I didn't give being together for real a shot, but at the same time it's so much pressure and I don't know if I'm ready obviously... Yeah, it's a huge move. He is coming there for you, right? Not for business, not for his career? If you are the sole reason he is making this huge move in his life you need to let him know how you're feeling before it's too late. With him moving there, you're essentially agreeing to be with him for a long time after this. If you aren't ready to commit to something like that, you need to tell him before he goes through with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katherine88 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Yeah, it's a huge move. He is coming there for you, right? Not for business, not for his career? If you are the sole reason he is making this huge move in his life you need to let him know how you're feeling before it's too late. With him moving there, you're essentially agreeing to be with him for a long time after this. If you aren't ready to commit to something like that, you need to tell him before he goes through with it. Right, exactly. I guess my biggest problem is with whether or not it'd be a good idea to tell him the part about that I have these feelings for someone else. I don't want to needlessly worry him if it turns out to be nothing...but then what are my options if I do? Should we break up? "Take a break?" Or should I wait until I'm sure this new person would be interested in dating me? Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Right, exactly. I guess my biggest problem is with whether or not it'd be a good idea to tell him the part about that I have these feelings for someone else. I don't want to needlessly worry him if it turns out to be nothing...but then what are my options if I do? Should we break up? "Take a break?" Or should I wait until I'm sure this new person would be interested in dating me? Personally, I think it's shallow to speak to two individuals so you have a 'backup' plan or something. If the man is willing to move across the globe to be with you and you're having 'feelings' for someone else, he deserves to know. Throughout my 4 year LDR, we took a few breaks, but it never really fixed anything, just delayed. You're better off needlessly worrying him than waiting for him to make the move and finding out later. Tell your LDR you're having serious concerns about him moving down here and that you don't feel your ready. The next part, telling him you may have feelings for someone else, is up to you to decide. If you tell him, he will be worried, and probably hurt since he's willing to change his entire life for you. But that's still better than waiting for him to come down here and finding out, or telling him last minute (a few weeks before he leaves). If you refuse to tell him you may have feelings for someone else, you just want your cake and to eat it too. You're making him a victim of an LDR. Let me tell you something, in long distance, trust is EVERYTHING. The second you **** that up, it's a quick downward spiral. You'll always wonder to yourself if it's the distance bothering you, or the actual relationship. It's hard, very hard, but is getting the answer to that question worth having him possibly moving across the globe, leaving everything he has behind for nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
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