dorothys Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 I have a decision to make, and I need a little help. My ex-boyfriend of 4yrs and I broke up 3mths ago. Right now he is doing this flip-flop act. One mintue he is professing his love to me, the next he breaks promises and won't call. I dont' call him by the way unless he calls me. Trying to give him space you know . Well, here is my question. There are two schools of though as far as how to deal with a flip-flop ex. One school is too confront him. Tell him how you feel. And if he doesn't want to get back together, then tell him it is over, over, and move on. The second school of thought is to be happy with everything he says and does. Act like you are satisfied being unhitched, and this will get him scared. If he is scared then he will realize that he might lose you, and come back to the relationship. I do still love him, and I know he has feeling for me. Right now I don't think he is too worried about losing me, and seems comfortable. What I do know is I can't go on with this flip-flop act. Which school of thought is the best?? Has anybody had sucess?? Link to post Share on other sites
Curious1 Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 If I were you, I think I would have no contact with him what so ever. No calls, e-mail, nothing. I wouldn't even answer his calls for quite a while. Make him think that he has lost you. I am sure he will straighten up and quit flip flopping. It is hard to put NC to work but I think in your case, you will have wonderful results. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 I definitely belong to the first school. I would tell the truth & have enough self-respect to walk away. "I don't want our relationship to end but I will not allow myself to be dragged back & forth either. If this is going to work then we commit to making to work as a couple or we part ways so that I can get on with my life & you with yours.". I did precisely that 9 years ago - we're still together - so I have to stick with what works. To my mind anything else is just playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dorothys Posted October 9, 2004 Author Share Posted October 9, 2004 Thanks for the advice bluechocolate. That is actually the course of action that I am leaning towards. Mabye it is such a hard step to take because I still hold out hope. But, I know it makes sense. Now, I have a second question. I would like to call him and tell him that I would like to talk in person. He only calls when he wants to pick up something. It has been like 3weeks at a time before we talk. Should I call him? I know he spends the weekend with his family, and they dont' like me. He is scared that they will find out that he still likes me. Should I call??? I really would like some kind of resolution. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 Option 1 seems to be about you making a decision. Option 2 seems to be about him making a decision. I like Option 1 best. It's like War Games. The only way to win is not to play. Games suck. He doesn't know what he wants. Which means he doesn't know that he wants you. If he wanted you back he'd know. Which means although it's hard to carry it through and he's panicking and still has feelings for you he probably just wants the option to have you back in case things get too scary for him out there. Option 1 is the only way you can be fair to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 He doesn't want his family to know he still likes you? Well, that kinda answers your first question too doesn't it...? If you need to call then call. He may be immature about it and not pick up or refuse to meet you but you have to do what you have to do. You're the one you should be being concerned about. What do you need? What do you want? If resolution is what you need take the matter into your own hands and be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 9, 2004 Share Posted October 9, 2004 I did precisely that 9 years ago - we're still together Just need to correct myself - it was 5 years ago - met 9 years ago - 2 years together, 2 years long distance, then option 1... Anyway..... You're right to want to have this conversation in person but if he won't agree to meet up then the phone will have to do. Either way, make the call. The thing is you have to have the strength to follow through on your convictions. There is no point in having this conversation & then continue to take him back the next time he flops. If you don't, or can't, mean it - then don't say it. You'll lose all credibility otherwise. from bluetuesday Option 1 seems to be about you making a decision. Option 2 seems to be about him making a decision. Exactly. And more to the point - option 2 is to some extent about keeping the status quo - because if you leave the decision up to someone else then you leave the timing up to them as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dorothys Posted October 10, 2004 Author Share Posted October 10, 2004 I know I have to do something and soon. If I didn't know before, what happened tonight proved it. My oldest daughter asked if she could call him on his cell phone. It was homecoming, and she wanted him to stop by and see her before she went to the dance. He lives like a mile away. Well my ex-boyfriend would not pick up. She left a message hoping he would fell guilty and call, but it didn't work. It really gets me mad the way he makes promises to me and my daughters, then never keeps them. One minute he is professing his undying love, and the next he is suddenly unavailable. Maybe it is a good thing that it happened because now it only makes me stronger in my conviction to give him an ultimatum. Link to post Share on other sites
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