jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Goodluck to you. We all rate attraction differently in something like that, but it's one of the first things we experience. I think depending on your age range it'll differ for you. Are they out there? Sure, but don't go searching for them, wishing you'll finally find someone like that. Improve yourself and who you are in the meantime. If you're overweight, go to the gym. If you need new clothes, take some fashion advice. If you have a bland haircut / style, get something new. I detect a serious lack of confidence by the OP already, and that's half the battle. I haven't noticed a lack of confidence in the op's posts. He is simply asking questions and relating his past. Only in the extremes can confidence and body language be read by others. Someone in the middle is unreadable but some people will attempt to pigeon hole them just the same allbeit incorrectly. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Its not your looks that are holding you back. It is probably your body language and voice tonality. And even that....you can still do the best w what you got. Do you work out? As i said before body language can only be read properly in the extremes. The op's tone of voice could be his problem? Seriously? Gimme a break. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 There is no magical place women who don't care about looks hang out. What you need is to be thinking about places to go where people can GET TO KNOW YOU and the focus ISN'T on looks. Volunteer programs that require regular time commitments are a great idea. Something like tutoring kids once a week, where every volunteer HAS to show up every week, will allow you to see the same people regularly and build a rapport. I would avoid one-time volunteer commitments. Just look for things where everyone HAS to show up every week, twice a week, etc. Another good idea is thinking about where women hang out. Yoga classes are a REALLY awesome place to pick up girls. There is virtually no other competition and girls always want to help out clueless men and think it's "cute" they are doing yoga. You could also try hanging out in women's stores like Sephora and asking girls for ideas for your "sister's" birthday. In the meantime, I would work on improving the areas you can improve on that women find attractive. Clothes, hair, grooming etc. are all important to women. Unfortunately, so is money/status/power. If you can do something to improve in this area, do it! Good luck! Not all women are interested in money/status/power. Those that are aren't worth the effort. Let em go bang the donald trump's of the world for their free room and board. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 what i do find unattractive in men is the thought they are wanting to date me because i am less attractive than the woman they really want to date....so they consider me a second option.......it rocks my grace and dignity if i were to ever find that out(especially if i thought they were wonderful) or what i would instinctually know that they think i am an easy target...or they think i am easy......i am not easy....far from it i think it is not a nice mindset for a true man to have....a true man would take a risk and go for the one he was truly attracted to...and not settle in saying that ....i dont go for looks straight up....i want to flesh out a guys heart...i have dated guys who show particular traits......kindness towards kids......selfless....a bit shy.......soft voices..but an inner strength.....guys who stand up for what they believe in ....woudl stand beside me and i woudl stand beside them..........when i have deviated from what i trult believe....it hasnt worked......most fo the guys i date volunteer time is some way to others less fortunate......i am altruistic.....so i would say yes meet someone in pursuits, beliefs, you are passionate about beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder.....and i have found guys i havent been physically attracted to initially, has developed into a keen attraction with friendship and getting to know them...i dont think you should just join or volunteer to rope in a date......be passionate and believe in what you do volunteer to do......or it is a fake persona .....women who do volunteer will notice this and will recognize that you dont really love doing it.........deb I agree it isn't a nice mindset but if you have been repeatedly rejected, as the op has, what other choice is there. As Mr. Einstein said doing the same thing over and over again looking for a different result is the definition of insanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Thats only women who have no options. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Yea. The thing is, I've done this with women, and gotten to know them over time and be friendly with them and they reject me. So, to keep from getting my heart ripped out, I just approach women off the cuff and get my 'no' right away these days. But that strategy has not been working. I guess I'll have to bear it and go back to the 'let her get to know me over time' method, and just hope I don't get attached to her. The trick, I think, is to be friendly and flirty. If a woman doesn't like the flirting, she'll let you know. But it will keep her from assuming that you only see her as a friend. It will keep her from viewing you in a "brotherly" way, which is the kiss of sexual death. Since you are a smart guy, do you have something that you could teach on a community level? Something that maybe women might sign up to learn? Hot for teacher is a fun cliche for a reason Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I don't care much about looks. Honestly, I just want a partner to adore me and fall madly in love with me, who I feel the same way about, and both be in the mutual bliss of making each other incredibly happy. Yes looks matter. I want to be sexually attracted enough to have sex. The thing is, a guy does not have to be attractive to many people, or at all, for me to be open to him. A guy that is not good looking to many women at all will do just fine, for instance. A guy who others find unpleasant to look at will do just fine. As long as I am not repulsed by him and I do feel SOME chemistry and SOME sexual spark. I just need a baseline spark/chemistry physically speaking. I soon know, anyway, if their personality and character and just he way they are, make me start to get he hots for them:love: Initially, then I may not be sold. Then, once they start interacting with me, a man can go from not attractive in the slightest, to completely HOT to me. Look it is a fine line between: not requiring MUCH attraction upon the fist glance, and being downright repulsed. It is your own value that comes into play, as unfair as it is; I do not have to resort to men who I am physically repulsed by. If I am ever in that position, I know that I still want a life partner, and therefore I will find amazing man who I am not attracted to, who I would then learn to be attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I don't care much about looks. ... I just need a baseline spark/chemistry physically speaking. ----- Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 ----- To elaborate. I care about looks. Technically, I do care about looks. Compared to other women, however; I would not say I am as fixated on looks. I need to be sexually attracted. There needs to be chemistry. We have to want to do bad things to each other. I just do not need a good looking dude. To do it for me. I have met a guy that I was not attracted to upon first site. Over time, their personality and our interaction and time spent together, made them out to be the hottest thing out there. To ME. My friends did not think this guy was hot at all. Yet I did. There needs to be some attraction. Looks do matter. I am not debating that fact. I do hope my attitude, to preferring a loving partner to have a wonderful life with VERSUS a guy who is objectively good looking to many people that IS NOT as good of a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Xinreeki Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I think attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. I've never thought Brad Pitt is attractive. I have met a guy that I was not attracted to upon first site. Over time, their personality and our interaction and time spent together, made them out to be the hottest thing out there. To ME. My friends did not think this guy was hot at all. Yet I did. I completely agree. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I confess, I was not that physically attracted to my current bf when I first met him, but as I got to know him my attraction for him grew and grew. But when it comes to advising someone where they might find a women who will find them attractive, that is very hard to say. Still, as someone else posted here, I think generally shyer, geekier, nerdier girls (like me ) tend to be less discriminating when it comes to looks. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I can be attracted by looks. Who can't? But when I think back over my life and the individuals I've felt the most animal, magnetic attraction to, it's a mixed bag: some conventionally good looking men, some not so much. Whatever generates that deeper burning attraction is the "x factor". I can't describe it. It's connection, chemistry, charm....whatever. If a great looking guy lacks it, eh, looks can't achieve that effect. If a plain looking guy has it, I can't breathe right when he's next to me. It's about so much so much more than looks. To distill it down to looks overlooks something incredibly important, something which explains why so many average-looking people in the world fall in lust and love with each other every day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 There are plenty of women like me, who really desire a loving and committed life partner. Who only need enough attraction to get the foot in the door. Which means NO initial attraction upon the first GLANCE at he man in question. Instantly, though, the attraction builds when you get to know them INSTANT reaction can = zero attraction. Immediate and prolonged interaction can = MAJOR attraction from the women who initially was NOT attracted to JUST the image alone, of the guy. Looks get you noticed in public. More people look at you. You get more dates. You have more options. You are treated differently, insofar as being a person that more people check out, that more people of the opposite sex talk to and you have more people to pick from when you're seeking a life partner. Two average looking people who love themselves and have something amazing to offer as a life partner, will, too, find people to have amazing relationships with. It is probably better in some ways, to fall in love as two average looking people. You lose out on people always checking them out. The end goal is the same; two attractive people, OR two average people, will meet another person and fall in love. Hopefully they will have a very happy and healthy relationship. The end goal is the same, it is just more attractive people can get their faster since more people are wanting to date them. This is why, while I want to get botox and a nose job (since I broke my nose) It is to look better, but even right now I feel so optimistic about love. Even as an "average" looking woman. I can see the frustration of the OP. I too, am going to make myself look more attractive. Via cosmetic procedures. Ultimately, it will lead to the SAME goal: a happy relationship. The end goal will not be any better or worse, simply because I become more attractive. It just means I have more people to pick from, once I get he cosmetic work done. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Tailand , cambodia , dominica republic Lots of guys that sit at a computer and are not nice to Look at have this problem.. They are introverts their Bodys look as if they dont see the light of day much and social Skills lack..... But that's just who they are Save your money buy a house car and in 5 10yrs After you have money saved up spend $5000 Fly to another country meet a women pay the legal fees and bring her over.... It happens ALL THE TIME.... You are correct. One of my old crew met and married a very attractive foreign girl. And the thing is, she is really nice too, a total sweetheart. This guy struggled quite a bit before. He's a great guy, funny and outgoing, but pretty much bald and average looking. It is a virtual certainty he would not pull his foreign wife's American equivalent. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 There are plenty of women like me, who really desire a loving and committed life partner. Who only need enough attraction to get the foot in the door. Which means NO initial attraction upon the first GLANCE at he man in question. Instantly, though, the attraction builds when you get to know them INSTANT reaction can = zero attraction. Immediate and prolonged interaction can = MAJOR attraction from the women who initially was NOT attracted to JUST the image alone, of the guy. Looks get you noticed in public. More people look at you. You get more dates. You have more options. You are treated differently, insofar as being a person that more people check out, that more people of the opposite sex talk to and you have more people to pick from when you're seeking a life partner. Two average looking people who love themselves and have something amazing to offer as a life partner, will, too, find people to have amazing relationships with. It is probably better in some ways, to fall in love as two average looking people. You lose out on people always checking them out. The end goal is the same; two attractive people, OR two average people, will meet another person and fall in love. Hopefully they will have a very happy and healthy relationship. The end goal is the same, it is just more attractive people can get their faster since more people are wanting to date them. This is why, while I want to get botox and a nose job (since I broke my nose) It is to look better, but even right now I feel so optimistic about love. Even as an "average" looking woman. I can see the frustration of the OP. I too, am going to make myself look more attractive. Via cosmetic procedures. Ultimately, it will lead to the SAME goal: a happy relationship. The end goal will not be any better or worse, simply because I become more attractive. It just means I have more people to pick from, once I get he cosmetic work done. Way more average looking women find happy relationships than average men. Some average men will never succeed finding a relationship period let alone a happy one. This is due to the fact they simply do not possess that special something that makes them attractive to women. As they get older, op 34, me 44, it becomes increasingly difficult to create that special something you never had before. Which is why most of these guys go it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 If it hasn't happened in the first 34 years, it stands to reason that it won't from here on out. Which I'm trying to be OK with. I mean, really and honestly, this is source of all of my bitterness. That others can find people that are physically attracted to them relatively easily. But I haven't. Ever. So, I'm trying to finally put it behind me. So, please people. Stop with the beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's off topic. It's not off topic. I know two men in their mid-30's who found the "woman of their dreams" and one in his 40's. If you find someone attractive approach them. If they are not interested move on.l don't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
jma500 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 It's not off topic. I know two men in their mid-30's who found the "woman of their dreams" and one in his 40's. If you find someone attractive approach them. If they are not interested move on.l don't give up. I am 44 and can safely say i have never seen anything like this. If this is true, great. I can't help but be skeptical. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Go for the more mature, intropective women who are optimizing for a relationship partner rather than a baby daddy. They'll be less focused on genetics and more interested in intrinsic character traits, how you relate and communicate. Look for them in book clubs, activity groups, doing things to make the world a better place for others. They've learned to used their brain to override their biological predispositions. They understand that wonderful and perfect are not synonyms. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 What's wrong with August? You totally skipped August. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Go for the more mature, intropective women who are optimizing for a relationship partner rather than a baby daddy. They'll be less focused on genetics and more interested in intrinsic character traits, how you relate and communicate. Look for them in book clubs, activity groups, doing things to make the world a better place for others. They've learned to used their brain to override their biological predispositions. They understand that wonderful and perfect are not synonyms. I don't know who should be more offended by this..the "more mature, introspective women" or all the other women... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I don't know who should be more offended by this..the "more mature, introspective women" or all the other women... Quite. Casual sexism just like casual racism is very offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I think it is can good to get out and go to someplace like a flea market that draws all sorts of couples and families out during the day. Look around. Look at ALL the couples, holding hands, pushing babies. You'll see very few gorgeous people, but you'll see lots of happy couples. This^. And these non-gorgeous people are still attracted to their partners. I mean, really and honestly, this is source of all of my bitterness. That others can find people that are physically attracted to them relatively easily. But I haven't. Ever. So, I'm trying to finally put it behind me. Do you mean that you've had women find you attractive, but you haven't been attracted to them? I could be mistaken, but weren't you saying something about an overweight woman having a crush on you, but you weren't into it? It is going to be very difficult to meet anyone, male or female, who is OK with having a partner they aren't attracted to. Luckily, people find themselves attracted to people who wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive every day. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I don't know who should be more offended by this..the "more mature, introspective women" or all the other women... Quite. Casual sexism just like casual racism is very offensive. I fail to see how this is sexist or offensive unless you consider "mature, introspective" to be derogatory. It's not intended that way at all. I had a discussion with one of my previous girlfriends about why we chose to marry our previous spouses. She told me outright that she had a strong feeling that her ex should be the father of her children. He turned out to be narcissistic and not a good relationship partner. So after having raised her children and divorced, she was looking for a different kind of man. She was able to recognize her motivation while for some it will remain subconscious, but I believe it's a legitimate point and not in any way offensive to women. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 But, how is this Two of them said that they weren't physically attracted at first. But I don't want to get into details. I'll be branded as a whiner. different from this Just for the record, I would prefer an attractive woman myself, but would be definitely willing to overlook physical flaws if she were cool. ? To me, it seems like the problem is that you specifically don't want women to make that same assessment of you that you would make for them - when you "look past looks", you see it as generous and a sign of higher thinking, but you seem to think that when women do it, they're still ultimately shallow and that's dissatisfying to you. Your problem, it seems, is one of perception. You are creating your own hell. Why is it so dissatisfying if someone is willing to overlook your physical flaws because they like you, the human, and come to find you attractive eventually? I mean, that has apparently happened several times already in your past (I have no idea what you look like; this is based on your own assessment). So what, really, is the problem here??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I fail to see how this is sexist or offensive unless you consider "mature, introspective" to be derogatory. It's not intended that way at all. I had a discussion with one of my previous girlfriends about why we chose to marry our previous spouses. She told me outright that had a strong feeling that her ex should be the father of her children. He turned out to be narcissistic and not a good relationship partner. So after having raised her children and divorced, she was looking for a different kind of man. She was able to recognize her motivation while for some it will remain subconscious, but I believe it's a legitimate point and not in any way offensive to women. Of course you fail too see it, that's why it's so offensive. The same way when someone said Asian men should seek out hipsters because they are 'open minded' and are into 'alternative lifestyles'. It's like as if some people should go to a special market to be considered or accepted. Offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I fail to see how this is sexist or offensive unless you consider "mature, introspective" to be derogatory. It's not intended that way at all. Go for the more mature, intropective women who are optimizing for a relationship partner rather than a baby daddy. They'll be less focused on genetics and more interested in intrinsic character traits, how you relate and communicate. Look for them in book clubs, activity groups, doing things to make the world a better place for others. They've learned to used their brain to override their biological predispositions. They understand that wonderful and perfect are not synonyms. I can make the following inferences: (1) Women who value genetics (hereinafter "looks") have not learned to use their brain. (2) Women who value looks are less mature and less introspective. (3) Those who are good looking and desire good looking children do not value a good relationship partner. (4) Those who are good looking do not have good intrinsic character traits and do not know how to relate or communicate. (5) Those who are good looking do not make the world a better place for others. These are just a few I could pull from that... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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