Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 reading through the treads that were active over the weekend... and something jumps out. not just in the last few days, but it's becoming more and more apparent. there are OW here who are openly critical, sometimes downright nasty towards the BS in their situation. the way they speak of her makes my skin crawl at times. my opinion has always been that i cannot feel animosity towards someone unless they purposefully aim to hurt me. most of the BSs have no idea, they are an unknowing victim of their husband/boyfriend being a spineless, selfish turdlinger. and the OW is enabling the MM in hurting his wife. so why lash out at them? why the hate and disrespect? 15 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 the same could be said of BS's who hate the AP, when the real culprit is their WS. talk about "sleeping with the enemy." 13 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 the same could be said of BS's who hate the AP, when the real culprit is their WS. talk about "sleeping with the enemy." Not really the same, the BS does have some valid reason to hold animosity towards the OW/OM. Its not like they are the ones participating in behavior that is hurting OP, like the reverse. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Not really the same, the BS does have some valid reason to hold animosity towards the OW/OM. Its not like they are the ones participating in behavior that is hurting OP, like the reverse. Time to chime in here. The BS also has the opportunity to make things right in the marriage, which they don't a lot of times. Say what you want, I'll be eaten alive for this I am sure, but IN MY SITUATION BS did nothing. Only now is she freaking out that my bf is done. Why didn't she care years ago? Jeebus. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 i'm talking about where most of the anger is directed. many BS's focus their rage on the AP, especially if it's an OW. how is it that it's easier to hate the AP, rather than the offending spouse? the AP didn't make promises or vows to the BS- their WS did. i get that it's ****ty behavior from both sides, but a lot of this "animosity" is misdirected. i guess in these situations there needs to be a "bad guy," right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Not really, from my understanding - the faulty party is the MM, me as the OW was engaging in the affair as well. There has nothing to do with the BS, thus if MM decided to leave marraige to be with me, the MM had to do the job for telling BS. Vice versa, if MM choose going back marriage, it is also MM's choice, nothing to do with BS. Thus I accepted his choice and let him go. That is why I never understand the negative feeling that OW towards Betrayed wife, if the MM does not want to be with OW, it simply because the MM does not want to. Simple is that. reading through the treads that were active over the weekend... and something jumps out. not just in the last few days, but it's becoming more and more apparent. there are OW here who are openly critical, sometimes downright nasty towards the BS in their situation. the way they speak of her makes my skin crawl at times. my opinion has always been that i cannot feel animosity towards someone unless they purposefully aim to hurt me. most of the BSs have no idea, they are an unknowing victim of their husband/boyfriend being a spineless, selfish turdlinger. and the OW is enabling the MM in hurting his wife. so why lash out at them? why the hate and disrespect? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 I have always said I don't like her. I've not tried to pretend otherwise. Part of it is simply that it bugs me that I love him and he's married to her. Duh. Jealous. Whether I like being jealous or not. Other parts of it are that she's NOT a very nice person, she doesn't take care of the things she needs to and she doesn't take care of him the way *I* think she should. I don't think that's the case with all BS's, but sometimes it IS. Sometimes they aren't nice people, sometimes they do have major issues. It doesn't make it right, but it is sometimes factual. My MM's wife at one time was a good mom. She was great when they were little from everything I understand When she does the things she needs to, she's probably not a bad wife either, but she disconnects from life and makes the choice to do so. I see that as weak and I can't understand it. Add in the selfish, jealous part of me and things get said that probably shouldn't and I'm sure I'm seen as mean. But it's an internet forum. It doesn't hurt her for me to say it here. It doesn't hurt HIM for me to say it here. He and I don't have a lot of issues between us, but that is an issue for me, so this is the obvious and appropriate place for me to talk about it. It's frustrating to watch someone you love be unhappy and feel like their hands are tied with things. Yeah, some of that is excuses but it's also the reasons. I would never paint all BS's with the same brush, but by that same token, you can't assume that they're all awesome people either. thank you for being so honest - i never meant to say that they are by default awesome people. i think you've got the right answer here - jealousy over 'something' you want and they have. i didn't really think of you when i wondered about the nastiness, as i don't see your views towards the BS nasty as such - you are open and honest about it, and you have the right not to like someone. it's more about people who don't really know the BS, have never seen her, yet cast poisonous darts whenever they have a chance - about the appearance, if BS is/isn't a good cook, just petty things like that. i've seen one poster in particular refer to the BS as 'it'. is it the need to dehumanise the person in order to justify your actions? i just don't get it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 I think more often than not, the animosity comes from someone else having what the other wants. They can't place the blame with the AP, cause lies have been told repeatedly about the BS. Can't fault that loving one who has said the BS is a hydra. Nope, it has to be the BS, who magically keeps the WS fully ensconced at home. The level of denial is something to watch. Also the lack of empathy. Either way, if a person wants to be with you, it will happen. Believing anything else is signing up to be the fool, as has been played here, ad nauseum. i understand that those why have some sort of empathy will pretend that the BS doesn't exist, rather than having to face what they're doing. and i would never trust anything a person says blindly; no matter how i felt about them. denial must be a big factor, but i will also say that believing BS is a hydra plays to the OW hopes for an exclusive relationship, and also makes them feel that they are 'better' than the BS. it's almost winning over them in a way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Not really the same, the BS does have some valid reason to hold animosity towards the OW/OM. Its not like they are the ones participating in behavior that is hurting OP, like the reverse. exactly my point - and it comes down to being the one out of 3 that has no clue what is going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 i'm talking about where most of the anger is directed. many BS's focus their rage on the AP, especially if it's an OW. how is it that it's easier to hate the AP, rather than the offending spouse? the AP didn't make promises or vows to the BS- their WS did. i get that it's ****ty behavior from both sides, but a lot of this "animosity" is misdirected. i guess in these situations there needs to be a "bad guy," right? It's easier because she loves her spouse. She has no emotional connection to the OW. She has a vested interest to have faith in her spouse. Most often, she has known him for many years. Many times, he is the father of her children. And many BS view the affair in a similar way that they would view an addiction, which I believe is a healthy way to perceive an affair (in most cases). Addicted people act selfishly. They hurt their loved ones. They lie. They sneak. They aren't even honest with themselves. This doesn't mean they don't deserve a second chance. Our wedding vowels say, in good times & bad. In sickness and health. A BS may not take the affair personally, and see it more as a reflection of her spouses weakness. Which is often the case. OW doesn't know OW, usually. She doesn't get to see how OW got that way. She doesn't know OW's story. So she isn't sympathetic to the choices OW makes. OW talk about duty like it's a bad thing. It is commitment & duty that keep couples together through the down times. Sometimes love = duty. In hard times, it's duty that keeps you there, hanging in...until the good times come again. When you see an 80 year old couple, holding hands. Trust me. Duty is what kept them together along the way. You may see them holding hands & smile, but you don't see the hard stuff. In most long marriages, the couple falls in and out of love. And sometimes... you see that your partner is weak. And you stand by them, and try to help them through it. Because you love them. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 But really, if you don't live in the marital home, have all the struggles of a marriage, and just hear what the WS has to say, come on, you don't really know jack. When I was in my EA, the mm alluded to things about his wife. But, when the big dday hit, all of those things didn't matter a fraction of a public hair. He quickly dismissed me, and back to her he went, tail between his legs. So really, how bad was it? Just bad enough for him to justify his extramarital behavior with me. it's sad really. in my situation, i just couldn't listen to it. i would either not reply and change the subject, or give him a one-sentence reply that clearly conveyed i didn't want to listen to him whine. but every time... i felt sorry for her. i was angry with him that he could speak of her that way to someone she didn't even know (or knew existed), let alone to someone whom he was saying he 'was falling in love with'. ack. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 And I understand this. However, if an empathetic thought could surface, if the OW/OM could reverse the situation, be the BS, if only for a moment, perhaps an understanding of what the BS feels could come to the surface. I feel too often than not, the Others, fail to imagine themselves as the married one who gets their lives blown up. Perhaps, somehow believe, it could never happen to them. Sad really. I think you are 100% correct. When I started seeing xMM I knew he had a wife and am ashamed to admit that I never considered her. I think I thought that because she wasn't MY wife it wasn't my job to protect her. As I've said before, xMM was good at omitting the facts to his benefit. The information he provided led me to believe that she was a cold, heartless, selfish b*tch. I never once imagined her sitting on the sofa alone...late in the evening...waiting and worrying about him. Other then to help with the children, I assumed she didn't care he wasn't home. I think this is what made it so easy for me to continue seeing him for so long. He referred to her has The Warden and I just began to see her as nothing more. I don't think that here is a MM in the world who would ever admit to their AP that their wife is AMAZING! I think if he would have said to me how pretty, smart, funny (etc) she was, I would have had an awful difficult time sticking around. That said, I don't think that OW have animosity toward the BS because of something she has done to them directly. I think it has everything to do with the kind of person you think she is. For example... I thought that she was so mean to xMM. He made it sound like he lived with the evil step mother from Cinderella. Do this...do that...get this...don't forget...hurry up. I began not to like her because I believed that she wasn't very kind to this man that I thought was so great. The longer things lasted with he and I...the more stories I heard...the worse I thought of her. I took him for his word and eventually she turned into this monster in my head. I know it's not fair...I'm just saying that that's at least how it happened for me. I realized quickly after d-day that there is no way that she could be this awful, selfish person. Selfish people don't stick around to work it out. They flip their cheating husbands the bird as they drive away from the lawyers office after having taken them for every single last penny. She didn't do that and the only conclusion that I can come to is that it's because she loves him and is not the person he lead me to believe she was. It's really too bad...the games our heads play to protect us. You're right...if I knew what I was doing to her it never would have happened. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 reading through the treads that were active over the weekend... and something jumps out. not just in the last few days, but it's becoming more and more apparent. there are OW here who are openly critical, sometimes downright nasty towards the BS in their situation. the way they speak of her makes my skin crawl at times. my opinion has always been that i cannot feel animosity towards someone unless they purposefully aim to hurt me. most of the BSs have no idea, they are an unknowing victim of their husband/boyfriend being a spineless, selfish turdlinger. and the OW is enabling the MM in hurting his wife. so why lash out at them? why the hate and disrespect? Why? It's so that they don't have to blame themselves for how they are participating. And they are usually delusional about what the truth is in these situations - most believe the cheaters lies. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I have always said I don't like her. I've not tried to pretend otherwise. Part of it is simply that it bugs me that I love him and he's married to her. Duh. Jealous. Whether I like being jealous or not. Other parts of it are that she's NOT a very nice person, she doesn't take care of the things she needs to and she doesn't take care of him the way *I* think she should. I don't think that's the case with all BS's, but sometimes it IS. Sometimes they aren't nice people, sometimes they do have major issues. It doesn't make it right, but it is sometimes factual. My MM's wife at one time was a good mom. She was great when they were little from everything I understand When she does the things she needs to, she's probably not a bad wife either, but she disconnects from life and makes the choice to do so. I see that as weak and I can't understand it. Add in the selfish, jealous part of me and things get said that probably shouldn't and I'm sure I'm seen as mean. But it's an internet forum. It doesn't hurt her for me to say it here. It doesn't hurt HIM for me to say it here. He and I don't have a lot of issues between us, but that is an issue for me, so this is the obvious and appropriate place for me to talk about it. It's frustrating to watch someone you love be unhappy and feel like their hands are tied with things. Yeah, some of that is excuses but it's also the reasons. I would never paint all BS's with the same brush, but by that same token, you can't assume that they're all awesome people either. Respectfully I say, he is not a victim here. You've made him sound like he is one, stuck and tied up in his marriage. Those who want to divorce do! He is free to divorce at any time, he's chosen not to. You're honest about how you feel though and it's good you're specifically talking about MM's wife, in your situation, not all BS's. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Why? It's so that they don't have to blame themselves for how they are participating. And they are usually delusional about what the truth is in these situations - most believe the cheaters lies. I think you have to believe to a certain degree to allow it to continue. I would have defended xMM...no doubt. We all have flaws, but there are a few posts I've read recently that make me shake my head. I thought xMM was great...but I didn't believe that the sun rose and set out of his a**. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 in order to justify things to myself, i believed that it was his relationship that wasn't any good and that he was on his way out - i mean, why would you have an affair if everything was fine, right? but i never felt the need to believe that she was an ogre. Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Knowing who I am, I think I have a small girl crush on whoAmI I'm sorry...I no longer get involved with people who are in relationships ^^^that's my new catch phrase...just tryin' it out ^^^ 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 But,but,but.... He rarely takes out the garbage, and only takes me out twice a week, nags me constantly about my housekeeping skills. And don't get me started on other things. Bwwaaaa. :lmao: you forgot 'i'm only really myself when i talk to you. i've never felt so close to anyone. you're the only one that makes me happy' 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry what is going on here, I am confused...:confused: :lmao: you forgot 'i'm only really myself when i talk to you. i've never felt so close to anyone. you're the only one that makes me happy' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Gulp...........and raises her hand to join the crowd. During the time I knew I was the ow, I minimized her, didn't see her as having that much to do with what was going on with us and after all he promised me he would not stay. ha ha Bigger gulp, I did believe the sun rose and set out of his ass, lol. Wow did I get a rude awakening on that a few years down the line during our 2nd round. During her 2nd round, he lied about being separated from her and that is when he starting talking bad about her, and..........so then I didn't like her, I thought, wow, this stbx is nuts. Oh...........how wrong I was, she was not nuts at all, a very, very nice lady. He was the nutball.........not her. ...and the ones who are currently thinking this...don't you just wanna smack them? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 OH......I meant to mention this before, but one thing that I always think of when a ow is bashing on the BS and saying this or that about her......my mind goes.......ummmm, assuming that it true, wonder what the root of that is, maybe he pushed her over the edge with a previous affair(s), maybe he is a real hateful ******* to her just for the hell of it, maybe, maybe. See that's the thing, when there are two people in a marriage, when you hear a one sided view of things, it's always smart to ask yourself, if it's possible, probable that the person sitting in front of you is slanting things to make themselves sound a lot more favorable. For instance, (just an example here) the ow who says, mm's wife is a real bitch to him, I've heard him and her talking on the phone and she is so mean and hateful to him. The smart ow..........should say......ummmm, I wonder if he did anything to invite that kind of treatment. I mean........who knows, maybe she is sick and tired of his sorry ass because he has already had 5 other affairs. The point..........it's not smart for an ow to blame all on her. It takes two and ow's don't know the real story. ding ding ding! exactly. it would take a 'special' sort of person to be bitchy to someone just because. usually that bitchiness is well deserved... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Just some late night (bad) humor. oh. fine 2 Link to post Share on other sites
who_am_i Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Just some late night (bad) humor. i thought we were rather hilarious myself 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 :lmao: famous last words uh, said to how many women previously? Standard mm line also.......I heard the same. oh, but just how easy is it to fall for them - there's a special sort of 'sincerity' that comes with those cheesy lines, that make even the biggest cynic melt... especially when they're forced to live with someone who's horrible to them:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Was trying to be LS PC. PC shmeeC. we rocked the comedy there for a bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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