Animosity towards betrayed spouses

[MissBee]

reading through the treads that were active over the weekend... and something jumps out. not just in the last few days, but it's becoming more and more apparent.

 

there are OW here who are openly critical, sometimes downright nasty towards the BS in their situation. the way they speak of her makes my skin crawl at times.

 

my opinion has always been that i cannot feel animosity towards someone unless they purposefully aim to hurt me.

most of the BSs have no idea, they are an unknowing victim of their husband/boyfriend being a spineless, selfish turdlinger. and the OW is enabling the MM in hurting his wife. so why lash out at them? why the hate and disrespect?

 

I don't understand it either.

 

Sometimes it reminds me of junior high where if the "popular" girl isn't talking to someone or doesn't like them, the rest of her friends don't either, even though realistically this person hasn't done anything to them.

 

I didn't know the "BS" in my situation from a can of paint and he never spoke ill of her or spoke to me in depth about her enough for me to have an informed opinion or serious dislike for her. I wouldn't have really allowed any constant berating and complaints...such a turn off. But even if she was indeed so horrible to him, while I'd empathize, the level at which I've witnessed some OW's disdain for the BS, a woman they have NEVER met and only know second-hand is really unfathomable to me.

 

In life I form my own opinions about people based on my interactions with them. Everyone's experience with a person won't be the same and therefore I take other people's opinions with a grain of salt. I store it away and have my own interactions and experience with the person before I go spouting off and investing in dislike. So it just seems plain absurd to me how many OW have NEVER EVER met this woman, only saw her in passing, or heard from a friend or from MM, or overhead a conversation and then have all these "informed" "valid" reasons to speak so terribly about this person. It seems petty and junior-highish. You hate/dislike her because your MM says he does, so you say "me too." Disliking someone secondhand is crazy IMO.

[Lillyfree]

oh my LG...i'm sorry, but i've got this image of a grown man crouching in the bushes and whispering into a phone.... ffs.

 

it's as tragic as it is funny - and i guess the hight of delusion when you think that cr*p's gonna work for long...

[Lillyfree]

I don't understand it either.

 

Sometimes it reminds me of junior high where if the "popular" girl isn't talking to someone or doesn't like them, the rest of her friends don't either, even though realistically this person hasn't done anything to them.

 

I didn't know the "BS" in my situation from a can of paint and he never spoke ill of her or spoke to me in depth about her enough for me to have an informed opinion or serious dislike for her. I wouldn't have really allowed any constant berating and complaints...such a turn off. But even if she was indeed so horrible to him, while I'd empathize, the level at which I've witnessed some OW's disdain for the BS, a woman they have NEVER met and only know second-hand is really unfathomable to me.

 

In life I form my own opinions about people based on my interactions with them. Everyone's experience with a person won't be the same and therefore I take other people's opinions with a grain of salt. I store it away and have my own interactions and experience with the person before I go spouting off and investing in dislike. So it just seems plain absurd to me how many OW have NEVER EVER met this woman, only saw her in passing, or heard from a friend or from MM, or overhead a conversation and then have all these "informed" "valid" reasons to speak so terribly about this person. It seems petty and junior-highish. You hate/dislike her because your MM says he does, so you say "me too." Disliking someone secondhand is crazy IMO.

 

a twist: MM doesn't actually dislike her at all...

 

what gets me is... if this woman is so horrible, homely, bitchy, smelly, has ugly toes etc....how come she's the one that he's willing to have a relationship with in front of his friends and family, co-workers, the world - and the OW is the hidden one. what does that make you? by logical expansion, the OW is a demon with a hairy hunchback and a goat's face...

that's another thing i don't understand about the BS bashing done by some OWs.

[Lillyfree]

It is FUNNY, it really is! I had no idea.........oh and there is more. I should write a book. lol

 

please do - it will speak to both BS and OW side. my lawd. what a piece of work you had on your hands

[HonestNeurotic]

Can I tell a story here about xmm? You guys said it's some late night humor right? lol

 

OK, I'm gonna do it.

 

My perception of an incident, (at the time). Also I can't remember every detail but you'll get the jest of it anyway. Also how I found out what the real story was when the wife and I talked for several weeks after I found out that pos lied and her and I pieced together what REALLY HAPPENED and oh yes, we laughed a lot.

 

Background...... this was during the time that I thought I was dating a separated man, who had ramped up the stories about how crazy the x wife was getting and to hear him tell it she was going off the deep end and she was now carrying a gun. Oh and he had an apt of his own, near his work, I'd been there many times and I THOUGHT it was his home, not knowing it was just so he could be nearer to his work and away from his wife.

 

So........I was on my way to see him, I phoned him and he was talking in a hushed scared voice and said, she's here and she outside in the parking lot and she won't go away. She knocked on the door, but I didn't answer, but I'm trying to be really quiet and I'm hoping she will think that I'm not even here. I can't watch tv, I can't run a dryer. I'm just hoping she will leave.

 

I'm thinking holy ****e.....so I said, do you think I should come on down or you think I should go on home. (I was still at least an hour away at this point). He said, well you can come on, maybe she will give up and leave. So I called back in a little while and said, is she still there? Again, in a really quite scared voice, he said.......yes she is still here. I said, what do you want me to do? He said, well call me back when you get almost here. I said ok....... So I call back again, he said, I think she's gone, but you better NOT come to the apt. I said ummm ok. He said.........maybe you could pick me up down the road a little bit. He said I don't want to take my truck because if she comes back she will know that I was here and I left.

 

So I halfway agree to this hair brained scheme, because I've been believing what he has been telling me about how nuts she is and the gun keeps entering my head to. Anyway......the best I can remember he calls me back and says you should just go home, she is back out here in front of the apt. So.......I start driving back home, worried sick about him, but I'm thinking I can't risk putting myself in danger also. He promises to call me again. He gives me about enough time to get home, and he calls me and says, she finally left. So we both breathe a sigh of relief.

 

NOW for what the real story was.......LOL His wife came to the apt and they had went out to eat and she said everything seemed fine. (by this time, they really were separated) Then on the way back to the apt, she noticed he was getting nervous. (He knew I was on my way down and would be there soon). I guess he was getting really nervous uh. lol His wife and the woman who thought she was just the gf about to meet, so I guess he felt like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

 

She said...........all the sudden he just got out of the car and ran......ran into the woods, she called his name several times and he wouldn't answer. She was freaked out, wondering what in the world was wrong with him and she was worried about him. I mean.........who does that? So she waited and waited......worried sick about him. Finally about midnight, she said she went home. She kept trying to call him, ( on the phone I knew nothing about) and finally he answered and he told her, he didn't know what happened to him, he must be having a nervous breakdown, but he was doing better now and he was going to bed.

 

So..........her and I deduced that while he was talking to me pretending to be in his apt, and telling me that she was outside knocking on the door and sitting in the parking lot..........the real story was he was laying in the woods somewhere near his apt, telling me the crazy story about her. LOL :lmao: To bad......it wasn't one of those real cold nights uh! And yes............it really happened and this is just one of several stunts that he pulled that when she and I put our heads together, we figured out what the real story was.

 

That was hilarious! Of course, it's a tragedy and not really a comedy. But definitely it would be a great scene in a movie.

 

I don't berate the BS. I don't know her, I'm sure she's a very nice woman. MM doesn't say one bad thing about her. Except the lack of sex, which may or may not be true, as we all know. But there is no reason to bash her for my wrongdoing. And if she ever called me I would tell her everything. I've no reason to lie.

 

Two sides of the scorned lover triangle react in a myriad of ways - both BS and OW - and we can tend to react based upon our own personal experiences. But the bashing? That's not progressive and becoming better people. Hate the actions of another and not the person? I dunno.

 

You guys made me laugh! (in a good - healthy PC LS kinda way - not at someone's misfortune)

[cocorico]

I have always said I don't like her. I've not tried to pretend otherwise. Part of it is simply that it bugs me that I love him and he's married to her. Duh. Jealous. Whether I like being jealous or not. Other parts of it are that she's NOT a very nice person, she doesn't take care of the things she needs to and she doesn't take care of him the way *I* think she should.

I don't think that's the case with all BS's, but sometimes it IS. Sometimes they aren't nice people, sometimes they do have major issues. It doesn't make it right, but it is sometimes factual.

My MM's wife at one time was a good mom. She was great when they were little from everything I understand When she does the things she needs to, she's probably not a bad wife either, but she disconnects from life and makes the choice to do so.

I see that as weak and I can't understand it. Add in the selfish, jealous part of me and things get said that probably shouldn't and I'm sure I'm seen as mean. But it's an internet forum. It doesn't hurt her for me to say it here. It doesn't hurt HIM for me to say it here. He and I don't have a lot of issues between us, but that is an issue for me, so this is the obvious and appropriate place for me to talk about it. It's frustrating to watch someone you love be unhappy and feel like their hands are tied with things. Yeah, some of that is excuses but it's also the reasons. I would never paint all BS's with the same brush, but by that same token, you can't assume that they're all awesome people either.

 

I have absolutely no issue with BS in general. I don't know who is or is not a BS, may be or have been one myself, and see nothing about the position itself that makes someone deserving of disrespect. But in the particular case of my H's xW, I feel in part like LFH. I have grown to dislike her for who and what she is and does, because she really is not a nice person.

 

The fact that he once felt something for her, whatever that might have been, is not in and of itself sufficient reason for me to set aside everything I have observed about her and how she treats others. I rank my own observations above hearsay and so knowing that she may once have been attractive / nice / sane / untoxic enough for someone I love to have taken her in doesn't outweigh the ever-increasing body of evidence that anything that may once have been attractive / nice / sane / untoxic about her has long since vanished.

 

I would not like her even if we had not had a man in common. Why should I like her simply because we did?

[waterwoman]

I find it sad. IME the vast majority of people might have weaknesses and idiosyncracies but aren't downright nasty. They don't deserve animosity from a complete stranger who really doesn't have the full picture.

 

After all it's the WS who is doing the 'nasty' deed - but the OP dislikes the BS. Logic turned on it's head.

 

Regarding the opposite situation - BS disliking OP. Not much better of course but at least logical - OP has done something to hurt the BS, assuming they knew their lover was married - so it's not unreasonable to resent the person who has done that.

[WakingUp]

This is interesting.

 

I have tried very hard not to say unkind things about the BS.

 

And when MM has, I try to divert the conversation, but before I do I usually think "actually this is not a major crime, what are you complaining about" because it really doesn't sound like a big deal!

 

I met her before the affair ever began. When it wasn't even on the cards.

 

She is not a person that makes friends easily. Her whole persona and superior attitude alienates people.

 

But hey, that's not my problem. And he chooses to be with her, so she cant be all that bad.

 

She (they) have done a fantastic job raising their children, and that to me earns major credits. She is a good mother and she has many great things to be proud of!

 

Good grief, she has the moral high ground here. So how dare I, as on OW, be nasty towards her? I don't like her, but I don't think she is a bad person.

[AliciaFlorrick]

 

She is not a person that makes friends easily. Her whole persona and superior attitude alienates people.

 

 

T/J I come across the same way. The reason is...I was sexually abused from a very young age and almost kidnapped at age 8 which has made me very introverted and shy and untrusting of people in general. I adopted the above attitude to keep me safe. There could have been some traumatic event in her life for her to be like that...just saying end T/J

[WakingUp]

Alicia, I am sorry to hear that.

 

However this is not the situation here. This BW has had a rather charmed life, as have her siblings. Therefore the sense of being better than the rest.

 

I am from the school of hard knocks myself. But that has been because of my own bad decisions, and I own them.

 

Best wishes to you.

[AliciaFlorrick]

Thanks WakingUp. I also had a charmed life. 2 loving parents whom death did part. I wanted for nothing and was born with a silver spoon in the mouth...but my 3 step brothers from my mom's previous domestically violent marriages were the ones who abused me. The story is too long to go into. Even the most charmed life hides a demon or 2. My parents never knew about the abuse, I never told them and because it started when I was very young they just assumed shy and introverted was my developing personality type.

 

As you say though there are those that just have that snooty attitude because they grew up entitled

 

End t/j

Edited June 10, 2013 by AliciaFlorrick
Added words

[findingnemo]

Funny thread, this is. LG, that story had me in stitches.

 

At the beginning of my A, I positively hated the BW. Truly I did. I felt like she had taken advantage of xMM's sorrow when he lost his mother and forced him (or at least encouraged him) into a rush-rush wedding. In our culture, weddings take six months to prepare for. You can't get a decent church to wed you quickly. Maybe in three months, you'd find an out of the way church. This couple did a civil thing - it takes 3 weeks exactly from application to receiving a marriage certificate. They had a celebratory dinner the very day they got the certificate. Arghhh, I really really really hated her!!

 

As time went by, xMM seemed to have plenty of nice things to say about her. She was a great cook, an attentive mother, an organized housekeeper, etc. I admit that it irritated me at first. Why couldn't he say bad things about her? So I asked him if she was such an angel (his word for it), why the hell was he with me? His answer, he loved me. For years I heard only good things about BW. One day, maybe 4 years post-A, I asked how she was and he said he didn't know. She'd left him. When he explained what she had done wrong, it was obvious to me that he was being stupid. I told him as much and told him to go get her back. He did.

 

The fact is that the BW is her own person. I came to realize that even when some people call her arrogant and stand-offish, they are not the best judges of her character. I slowly began to really like her. Yeah, I'm an extremist. She has loved the man I love and made him happy. Yes, he's a cheater, he's selfish and feels entitled but she has stuck by him through thick and thin. For that I give her maximum respect.

[woinlove]

As has been suggested, unless you know a person intimately, you don't know what is behind their mannerisms. Some OW do seem quick to focus on the negative wrt the BW, without compassion, and that says something about where those OW are at. Even in cases where the OW and BW were friends before the A, I have seen very negative things written about the BW. Maybe it is connected to jealousy or guilt or other feelings within the OW. Some may develop more compassion for the BW sometime in the future if their feelings about MM and/or their own role in the A change.

[Goodbye]

Why? It's so that they don't have to blame themselves for how they are participating.

 

And they are usually delusional about what the truth is in these situations - most believe the cheaters lies.

 

 

Uhm, so wouldn't that make the Cheater the delusional one? A delusion is believing something completely unfounded. Believing a masterful liar is far from delusional. It may be gullible, but such things happen when being romanced.

[Summer Breeze]

As a BS the OW meant nothing to me. The A was on my xHs shoulders and that was the top and bottom of it. As an OW I felt the same. I didn't like the OW my xH had the A with but that was from knowing her at work. I didn't hate her for the A because she it was his choice that affected me.

 

dMM never said anything bad about his W and I never felt anything negative about her.

 

I think someone nailed it perfectly. The OW is normally fed crap about the BS and when a dday hits the BS is fed crap about the OW. Both women believe the man they love and he sets them up against each other. He aligns himself with each them against the other in order to cover his sorry a$$. Why wouldn't women in this situation feel resentment and hurt towards each other?

 

I didn't stay with xH long enough for him to really allow time to throw his OW under the bus and dMM never had a bad word to say about his W. Maybe that's why I don't get the resentments either way.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Some here might disagree with me here, but I didn't have animosity towards my xomm's wife - I loved her - I really did. He didn't talk smack about her either. Other than lack of sex (which he claimed was because he wasn't interested) and her proclivity to spend money (I like to also) and some idiosyncracies he didn't talke badly about her. I didn't really about my husband either other than his controlling nature, which probably came out because he intuitively knew what was happening.

 

I crossed the line for sure and so did my xom but we did love each other - boundaries were crossed and we didn't think about the disastrous outcome ahead. I am sure that he thinks about how he wishes he could revserse everything (and so do I).

 

My only issue with his wife is that she loves to play victim and she does it very well - even to this day - and she has done a few things that actually harmed my children and my husband while trying to hurt me. This backfired because most of the people in the community saw it and recognized it for what it was and she is now seen as pitiful. Her children were too young to know what happened - mine were not. My husband even got to the point where he told me he was going to warn her that if she didn't want to start receiving "anniversary" cards every year from him she needed to stop.

 

I don't really have animosity against my husbands xow because I know what it's like to be her. I don't believe everything he has said about her either. Although I didn't know her well, she was an employee and I did know her. I think in some ways she took advantage of my husbands pain, but she was a hurting person too.

 

You know - this is all about pain - that's the reason why these things happen. This is why it is so important to get to the reason WHY. I know that my xom and I mirrored each others insecurities and pain. I know that he could not reveal to anyone else what happened to him as a child and during our affair it came out - in waves of emotion - and I know it's true (as was my abuse). My hope is that even though it was not the most appropriate way for it to come to the surface, that through therapy he began to deal with that little boy that was so damaged. That's my prayer anyway.

[TheOW]

I knew her and always said hi (we dont know each other personally as she is alot older than I) but none-the-less I knew her. As time went by within my A I really started to resent her, become majorly jealous and even at times I hated her guts with a passion .. but as already mentioned it was because she had what I wanted was not her fault at all. I used to get really mad and upset when MM had to canx our arrangements because the wife demanded he do something else. Holidays and weekends away were the killer I wouldnt eat/sleep or talk to anyone until he was home and even then I felt sick to my stomach. The lows are much worse and more frequent than the highs - maybe its because reallity steps in grabs your head and bangs it repeatedly against a brick wall.

 

Their M was good she was/is a good wife he never said a bad word about her, they had just lost the physical side between them and for them it wasnt a problem they have been together for more than 30 years.

Edited June 10, 2013 by TheOW

[Summer Breeze]

Initially, I felt much the same as Summer Breeze described. I didn't care for OW before the A from what I knew of her at work. When we decided to reconcile, she was not really on my radar.

 

I grew to really dislike her based on things she said and did to me after the A.

 

She on the other hand had a lot of negative things to say about me while the A was ongoing. A lot of things she pulled out of thin air.....I had a drinking problem, a boyfriend, was a lesbian.... Since none of this was true, I can only assume it was an attempt to turn my H against me.

 

Funny thing is some of the things she criticizes about me are qualities my H loves about me.

 

I agree with you. Once a dday hits I think the OW should get some closure from the MM and then that's that. If he chooses to stay leave them to it. I also think the same about a BS. Talk to the OW if you want and then leave her alone. Neither have carte blanche to harass the other for any reason.

 

B1 was maybe some of what she said fed to her by your WS? Did she pull the things out of thin air or was the suggestion there by him? I have no idea and I'm not sticking up for her but I wondered. Like I said dMM said nothing about his W and I had no feelings of resentment so I don't understand the dynamic of someone pulling things out of thin air, or for that matter being told something and skewing at around. Far different to me for sure!

[cocorico]

I find it sad. IME the vast majority of people might have weaknesses and idiosyncracies but aren't downright nasty. They don't deserve animosity from a complete stranger who really doesn't have the full picture.

 

After all it's the WS who is doing the 'nasty' deed - but the OP dislikes the BS. Logic turned on it's head.

 

Regarding the opposite situation - BS disliking OP. Not much better of course but at least logical - OP has done something to hurt the BS, assuming they knew their lover was married - so it's not unreasonable to resent the person who has done that.

 

So, it's not unreasonable to resent someone who has made it their life's mission to exact maximum pain and suffering on your life (whether or not they succeed)? Great, thanks for the permission!

[waterwoman]

So, it's not unreasonable to resent someone who has made it their life's mission to exact maximum pain and suffering on your life (whether or not they succeed)? Great, thanks for the permission!

 

No problem. Knock yourself out ..... Personally I prefer not to waste my time resenting anyone with or without permission.

[SweetiePie12]

why the hate and disrespect?

 

Speaking for myself alone, this does not apply. I am neutral, I don't care, and why should I? May as well be a random person in Timbuktu for all I care. Irrelevant to my life.

[SweetiePie12]

Sweetie, I'm not trying to call you out on this, but do you REALLY feel that way?

 

Well, I'm not here to pursue my career as a writer of fiction

 

I actually felt better once I admitted to myself that i coudln't stand her, and why.

 

I truly care as much as I would for a random person I've never met from Timbuktu or Alaska or Mars for that matter.

[SweetiePie12]

Really? So all those multiple threads about how ugly, fat, and old this woman is means what exactly?

 

She is not cute. That's a fact. Not in my opinion, as well as that of another. To each their own.

 

On the heavy side? I don't know. But she does have a very large face/head, not in propotion with her body, LOL.

 

And, yes, she's up there in years.

[SweetiePie12]

I was more curious as to how you to go that place if you really do feel that way. It has to be easier.

 

Probably because I'm not a serial OW. It truly is about him for me. I just happen to be fond of him, and the feeling is mutual.

[snowflakes88]

SweetiePie, please. You devote 85% of your posts to "that woman," "those people," and "that house." What she looks like. How she governs his time. How she limits his time with you. How she is too demanding of him. When/how/if she will find out. How she will react when/if she does. What physical symptoms she may be experiencing as a result of her suspicions, if any. Did she touch your plant? What did she think of what you did on facebook yesterday or last week? Come on.