Animosity towards betrayed spouses

[eleanorrigby]

I think here is some truth in this.

 

Any woman can become a W. it's he easiest thing in the world - all she has to do is stop saying no to every man that begs her to M him. Becoming a W is easy, any woman can fill that role.

 

I disagree, many are called, but few are chosen. The few, the proud, the wives.

[MissBee]

It's possible, sure, but from reading here one gets the strong impression that it is exceptionally rare.

 

And when you are not reading here, since the world is wider than LS and I imagine you have a life outside of this, what is your impression?

[MissBee]

I disagree, many are called, but few are chosen. The few, the proud, the wives.

 

 

In response to Coco's notion: yes, anyone can be a wife, anyone can be a husband, anyone can be an OW, lover and life-partner so long as there is someone willing to have them. And there are ALL kinds...so guaranteed whoever you are, there is someone willing to marry, sleep with, or have an affair with you.

 

I will say though that since marriage is legally binding and, as LS OW will attest, makes MM feel obligated and like they can't leave, most people tend to consider it an investment and put some forethought into it and try to choose someone with whom they don't mind their life being joined (even if time changes that it doesn't negate that the 3, 5 or 25 years earlier, they thought it a good investment). Yes many don't put forethought into it as well (and if not, well that is on them and their poor planning and I am not certain they'd be able to fare any better in choosing life partners and other committed scenarios); However, more people have had many many boyfriends/gfs and probably affairs than they have racked up wives/husbands, as it is too much of a hassle to be racking up spouses, which you then have to divorce than it is to rack up OW/bfs/gfs which you can simply leave, throw under the bus or go into NC with.

 

I am willing to wager that more forethought goes into the MM choosing his wife than into him choosing his mistress....as "it just happened" seems to oft be the cry of the APs.

Edited June 12, 2013 by MissBee

[HopingAgain]

I think here is some truth in this.

 

Any woman can become a W. it's he easiest thing in the world - all she has to do is stop saying no to every man that begs her to M him. Becoming a W is easy, any woman can fill that role.

 

Being a lover or a life-partner s different. The man has to prove himself, work hard to win her and keep her, because she's under no obligation (legal or otherwise) to continue to put up with him of she no longer wants to. She can simply walk - and because he knows that, he will turn himself inside out earning the privilege to be at her side.

 

Get real. Most OW would knock down a mountain if they possibly could to get MM to marry them! Why wouldnt they rather just be a "life partner" instead if that's really the ideal choice? Let's just be honest, its the preferred choice of most women in love to become a WIFE to that man, and in that comes the definition of life partner, especially to men. This is why most men take their sweet time marrying and choosing who to marry.

[veryhappy]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I may repeat what others have said.

 

There's animosity on both sides, OW towards the BS and oh yes BS towards the OW if she finds out about her existance. Why? Because we're human, because we like things and people to feel like they fall under "mine". We're possesive, greedy, jealous, needy. We want stuff. Sometimes we want people. We don't react well when losing what's supposed to be "ours".

 

What I wanted to say is that there's no winners in this fight between the two. The only person having an amazing time is the MM in the triangle, who I personally believe has some sort of high induced by the conflict. He'll try to feed it, fire it and keep it alive because it makes him feel that his penis is 10 inches longer. Any man loves a cat fight. Once the discussion is limited to him, and not the other woman, be it OW or BW, things change. For anyone who's actively in an A, try that. Make everything about him, and not his W. Don't listen, don't soothe, don't be his therapist. He'll bring it up somehow to try to antagonize you again.

[Silly_Girl]

What's with the Mommy thing? Whose acts as their husbands Mommy? Is that just a put down towards wives?

 

That was very much, on a superficial level, the dynamic for my MM. In fact it was often said that the no-sex-therefore-no-kids scenario didn't matter because she had her very own child, in him.

 

Things don't start out like that, I know, it's a rut that comes on slowly and is hard to identify/reverse. Not healthy though

[Silly_Girl]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I may repeat what others have said.

 

There's animosity on both sides, OW towards the BS and oh yes BS towards the OW if she finds out about her existance. Why? Because we're human, because we like things and people to feel like they fall under "mine". We're possesive, greedy, jealous, needy. We want stuff. Sometimes we want people. We don't react well when losing what's supposed to be "ours".

 

What I wanted to say is that there's no winners in this fight between the two.

 

Agree with all the above!!

 

The only person having an amazing time is the MM in the triangle, who I personally believe has some sort of high induced by the conflict. He'll try to feed it, fire it and keep it alive because it makes him feel that his penis is 10 inches longer. Any man loves a cat fight.

 

The opposite of my personal experience.

 

[Silly_Girl]

 

In response to Coco's notion: yes, anyone can be a wife, anyone can be a husband, anyone can be an OW, lover and life-partner so long as there is someone willing to have them. And there are ALL kinds...so guaranteed whoever you are, there is someone willing to marry, sleep with, or have an affair with you.

 

I will say though that since marriage is legally binding and, as LS OW will attest, makes MM feel obligated and like they can't leave, most people tend to consider it an investment and put some forethought into it and try to choose someone with whom they don't mind their life being joined (even if time changes that it doesn't negate that the 3, 5 or 25 years earlier, they thought it a good investment). Yes many don't put forethought into it as well (and if not, well that is on them and their poor planning and I am not certain they'd be able to fare any better in choosing life partners and other committed scenarios); However, more people have had many many boyfriends/gfs and probably affairs than they have racked up wives/husbands, as it is too much of a hassle to be racking up spouses, which you then have to divorce than it is to rack up OW/bfs/gfs which you can simply leave, throw under the bus or go into NC with.

 

I am willing to wager that more forethought goes into the MM choosing his wife than into him choosing his mistress....as "it just happened" seems to oft be the cry of the APs.

 

Playing devil's advocate here, since your post is too tempting Miss Bee.... Perhaps in some circumstances the spouse decides they want to get married, and begins browsing, and eventually chooses the person who is the best fit. But with the affair, perhaps the AP is the one person the spouse just can't live without. Yes, it 'just happened' but when it did it was life-changing.

[SweetiePie12]

What's with the Mommy thing? Whose acts as their husbands Mommy? Is that just a put down towards wives?

 

Yes, I think so. AKA being a door mat.

[Silly_Girl]

Silly girl, is your mm divorced?

 

I honestly don't know. We haven't spoken for a year and a half.

[snowflakes88]

Actually it would imply the exact opposite. That the MM is unable to make decisions on his own and therefore his wife, or 'mommy', decides everything for him.

 

I was about to say -- that's precisely the opposite. References to W being a "mommy" or a "warden" come when the OW is annoyed by her interference... limiting the time MM can spend away from the house, making demands on his time that cripple his communication/time spent with OW, etc. In such cases, the W is calling the shots and it's the MM who is behaving as a the proverbial doormat (and the OW, IMO, for tolerating a situation where another woman indirectly determines the scope and extent of her relationship by rightly placing demands and limitations on MM -- as all couples do).

[Lillyfree]

Why was this moved to General Discussions? O.o

 

i too had that reaction :/

 

oh well.

[SidLyon]

I honestly don't know. We haven't spoken for a year and a half.

 

Sorry Silly Girl (and for the thread jack too...), but I must have been asleep for the last year or so, as I thought you and your former MM were together.

 

Is there another thread where you said what happened (ie why you are no longer speaking), so I don't t/j this one any further?

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry Silly Girl (and for the thread jack too...), but I must have been asleep for the last year or so, as I thought you and your former MM were together.

 

Is there another thread where you said what happened (ie why you are no longer speaking), so I don't t/j this one any further?

 

I have posted updates all over, lol. He worked in a specialist industry. Couldn't get a job in my area. Nothing. His firm offered him overseas or redundancy. I was prepared to go LDR again for a time, but not indefinitely. I felt I'd 'earned' that new relationship and didn't want to go backwards after waiting so long, if you see what I mean. He felt he had no choice but to take the job. I didn't want him to, but had to acknowledge that in his shoes, I'd have done the same. I refused to move my son out of the UK and we split up. I was upset at the time, and there were other problems elsewhere in life so it was tough, but I'm really happy with the path my life has taken.

*Apols for t/j OP.*

[Lillyfree]

I have posted updates all over, lol. He worked in a specialist industry. Couldn't get a job in my area. Nothing. His firm offered him overseas or redundancy. I was prepared to go LDR again for a time, but not indefinitely. I felt I'd 'earned' that new relationship and didn't want to go backwards after waiting so long, if you see what I mean. He felt he had no choice but to take the job. I didn't want him to, but had to acknowledge that in his shoes, I'd have done the same. I refused to move my son out of the UK and we split up. I was upset at the time, and there were other problems elsewhere in life so it was tough, but I'm really happy with the path my life has taken.

*Apols for t/j OP.*

 

i don't really believe in t/j, threads tend to either develop in different directions or die out. all good.

 

sorry things didn't work out for you, glad you're happy

[ComingInHot]

I didn't realize BS = General relationship. I thought BS = Betrayed Spouse, or... Infidelity??

[SidLyon]

I have posted updates all over, lol. He worked in a specialist industry. Couldn't get a job in my area. Nothing. His firm offered him overseas or redundancy. I was prepared to go LDR again for a time, but not indefinitely. I felt I'd 'earned' that new relationship and didn't want to go backwards after waiting so long, if you see what I mean. He felt he had no choice but to take the job. I didn't want him to, but had to acknowledge that in his shoes, I'd have done the same. I refused to move my son out of the UK and we split up. I was upset at the time, and there were other problems elsewhere in life so it was tough, but I'm really happy with the path my life has taken.

*Apols for t/j OP.*

 

Thanks for answering. I found another post by you later that explained it and that you're soon to be married. I knew that, but for some reason thought it was the xMM, so I must have missed a critical post or two.

 

Good luck with everything.

 

I also echo being puzzled about the reason this thread was moved.

[SweetiePie12]

I feel a fondness, actually. He was "allowed" to stay out all the way until 10:30 the other night

[seren]

I didn't realize BS = General relationship. I thought BS = Betrayed Spouse, or... Infidelity??

 

I agree CIH, when threads like these are moved to General, I feel less likely to post regarding my own experience as I feel safer on the Infidelity board as most who post there have more understanding of the specific issues relating to A's.