5 Months Ago I Met This Beautiful Woman Who Happened To Be Married.

[gross1016]

I know he drives a truck for a living, I use to work with truck drivers, so I know them very well. but most drivers that I have know are mostly two weeks or three then home for 2 weeks or more so they can have home life. He seems go out more then to stay away from home, and when he's here I told by MW he doesn't do much at all. So that's what I have be told. Doesn't sounds like what's to be home much to me, and not that much of a father or husband. Sorry if that's a little harsh but just saying what I have been told by MW.

[gross1016]

I know some of you think I am crazy in the way I think or do things, that's fine. But understand this I am going to do what I think is right for now. If that's waiting so be it. MW means that much to me. Yes AussieLady there are kids involved, and yes they all know me, all three of them. This to me is not a fantasy at all, I really believe this is going to be ok. So again I am going to wait.

[gross1016]

ThatJustHappend thats OK you have your opinion and you entitled to it. But I guess now I won't have to listen to you anymore. By the way its not all my fault. I am going to do what I want to do, its my decision to make I have already made it. If it blows up in my face so be it. I will pick my fat butt up and move on. I will do this my way and my way alone if I have too. if you don't agree with me thats not my problem its yours.

[Owl]

Good luck. Let us know how it all works out.

[gross1016]

Owl thank you, but I will be here still because there are some of you that still will give me support and encouragement and some that like the last person who thinks that I am just a crazy person to believe I have a chance of getting back with MW. But I good with that. I am going to do what feels right to me whether some here thinks it wrong. I am still going to post and respond to who ever responds to me.

[Owl]

Good. Continue posting. This place is a fount of useful information.

 

After re-reading this thread, I'm going to give you my "opinion", with which you can do what you will.

 

The MW told you very point blank what she wanted from you. No more contact...because she's working on her marriage.

 

She's made a choice. You appear unwilling to accept her decision, and instead are wanting to pursue your own desires/agenda, and not what she asked of you.

 

Your results may indeed vary, but per my experiences and that of many others here on the forum, your course isn't likely to end up the way you're hoping it will.

 

Which is why all I can do is offer you the best advice I can, and wait to see what happens in your situation from here.

[gross1016]

Owl I am very great full for the support from everyone and yourself. But not all of you here have same opinions. Some say one thing, some say another. But Owl it really comes down to how I feel about my situation. It is clear to me that when MW said I am not supposed to see you I need to fix my marriage. It leaves a door open. I willing to wait for that to happen even though it could be the wrong thing out do. But again reading what she said over again there is nothing to me that said I don't or can't see you anymore. So i am going to do what i think is best for me and wait. Owl I have a timeline and if it gets there I will know when my time is up.

[Owl]

Owl I am very great full for the support from everyone and yourself. But not all of you here have same opinions. Some say one thing, some say another. But Owl it really comes down to how I feel about my situation. It is clear to me that when MW said I am not supposed to see you I need to fix my marriage. It leaves a door open. I willing to wait for that to happen even though it could be the wrong thing out do. But again reading what she said over again there is nothing to me that said I don't or can't see you anymore. So i am going to do what i think is best for me and wait. Owl I have a timeline and if it gets there I will know when my time is up.

 

This is the key difference.

 

Most folks see this as a door closed. I do.

 

You don't see it that way because you don't want to. I can't change that...frankly the only two people who can are you (by changing how you see it) and her (by spelling it out even more clearly to you)...and she's not going to do so directly because that would be a direct violation of what she said...that she's can't be in contact with you.

 

I personally believe she expects you to see this as a door closed, and get on with your life.

 

If you reach out to her in any fashion for clarification, you're very likely to create more turmoil and distress in her life.

 

So from that stance, I can see why you can view sitting there waiting for her to contact you as a valid option...but I don't believe you're going to get the answer you're hoping for out of that.

 

What do you plan on doing to fill your time and energy that you spent on the affair with her while you're waiting?

[gross1016]

Owl I can see your point, but as you said most not all. I read a post yesterday that echoed the same thing as I did, this person also said that not supposed to see you is a little koy and vague and it leaves the door open. it does not say I don't or can't. Look up the word suppose and you will find what the word means, you wont see don't or can't there. So thank you for supporting me I am great full for that. If I didn't have this here it would harder for sure. It is good to see that there places like this to help people and myself that are going through something like this. I am just sitting around all day. It would help if I working more but I am not. I did start volunteering at animal shelter, I also doing things around the house to stay busy.

Edited June 12, 2013 by gross1016

[TaraMaiden]

Do <the children> know <of the relationship>- and if they did, do you honestly think they'd be so friendly and approving/accepting?

 

You see, the moral consequences go beyond you merely having an affair with someone you "rose-tintedly" refer to as your soul mate....

Edited June 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[gross1016]

The kids already have or should say had an idea that I was seeing their more then just for a dinner or pizza and games. We would go to the park together, so I am sure they some clue that I just wasn't a friend. The only thing I didn't do with her and the kids was go over to MW house when all the kids are together, it was more with just littlest one at her house then the two oldest.

Edited June 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

How old are they?

[gross1016]

TaraMaiden they all know me for who i am. MW did not say in some many who I really am. In front of the kids I would give MW a hug and kiss told MW, she hugged and kissed me back, I told MW I loved her and went on my way

[gross1016]

Three children under ten years old

Edited June 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personally identifiable information

[TaraMaiden]

(sorry, we must have posted at the same time....)

 

In that case, they have no idea.

The concept of 'mummy is being naughty with another man' would never figure in their minds, it's not a concept children of that age would be able to logically assimilate and process. All they know is that mummy had a man friend.

 

The stinger would be if they talked to daddy about mommy's male friend.

 

That's probably what exposed this.

he probably dug deep and asked questions....and it's highly likely he asked the kids about it too..?

 

The problem you have, is that she didn't admit this to her H voluntarily.

This was a chance discovery due to carelessness.

 

So she was remorseful, contrite and regretful because she got found out. Not because she confessed to the affair up front.

 

The fact is, she was faced with the choice of being discovered and exposed, and consequently being remorseful or of being defiant and standing her ground and carrying on with you.

She chose the former, and frankly easier option.

 

She had a choice she could have made.

She could have - given the depth,intensity and passionate depth of her feelings, told him precisely what you discussed, as you detailed in your first post. And she could have taken the bull by the horns, and told him: "I'm leaving you. I have found someone else, and he will stand by me through everything."

 

During our last night together before he found she asked me some questions. She asked me if I needed her, did I love her, would I stand by here. I replied yes to all, and then I asked her the same thing, and she I need you, I am falling in love with you and she also asked me again if I would stand by her, and i said without a doubt I would.

 

She wanted to know how loyal you would be if the crap hit the fan.

 

You assured her of that.

She, however, does not seem to have been as forthcoming.

 

She had every opportunity to be with you.

And she chose to stay.

She chose to stay and try to mend her marriage.

 

Take note of this.

This is extremely telling.

bear it in mind.

[carhill]

 

She wanted to know how loyal you would be if the crap hit the fan.

 

You assured her of that.

She, however, does not seem to have been as forthcoming.

 

She had every opportunity to be with you.

And she chose to stay.

She chose to stay and try to mend her marriage.

 

Take note of this.

This is extremely telling.

bear it in mind.

 

As a fOM and fMM, I'll echo TaraMaiden's analysis of this aspect.

 

Based on life experience, my bet is that she has a hard time being alone and this isn't her first rodeo. The words you've heard from her sound very familiar and common across experiences with various MW's.

 

Waiting is a perfectly valid choice, amongst many choices. BTDT, for years. Good luck.

[gross1016]

LFH i know that and I am ok with being the OM. you were so far the only person who I can relate to right now.

[gross1016]

TaraMaiden I do understand where you are coming from, the only reason I am where I am is one single piece of paper from a mothers day flower arrangement that wasn't thrown away or it would be the same right now as was before the Dday.

[gross1016]

carhill i know what you are talking about, and helps that you are supporting me or helping me. I just cant walk away yet. I know MW is doing what she needs to do for her marriage to work i get that, but I know deep down, and I know you are going say I am just fooling myself but I am going to say it anyway. but I deep down that I will be seeing MW again.

[pest947]

I signed up for this site after reading a few posts and replies that have helped me with my residual issues. I can relate to you and what you are feeling, I really do. I’ll try to describe my situation in a nutshell as to not hijack your thread and maybe post my own longer one. I was in a bad marriage, I’d felt empty for a long time and my ex fits the classic description of the controlling, gas lighting narcissist I've read about in many of these posts. I met a woman also married and also in a bad marriage, over time we became close and decided we wanted to be together. I began and followed through with my process and she was feed some false information by a mutual friend and backed out, wanting to work on her marriage. Needless to say I was crushed, I know how you feel brother those were probably the worst 2 or 3 months of my life…..but I took the highroad. While NC wasn’t exactly possible because of the situation, I did fall back to communication with her as we did before this all started, as friends. I can tell you despite all of this and while I am not exactly proud of how it happened. With a year plus of distance I made the right decision and am happy I got divorced. Simply If I loved my ex-wife I wouldn't have did what I did and let someone else into my heart. I didn’t do it for the “thrill” I am simply not programmed that way. My ex still displays all these traits when I try to be civil when we have to work together with the kids, it reminds me everyday though that at this point I’m not with OW it was still right for me.

 

Getting back to your thread, I stepped back big time and proceeded with my Divorce despite this. There was no discovery day for her, her ex still doesn't know. I had a chance to let that come out when things broke apart the first time as that person that leaked false info called my ex, however at that point my divorce was already well in progress and it didn't matter. I could have let that person also call the OW husband, but I didn't, I chose to call and warn her so she could block the number.

 

We remained friendly but not in an A for 6 to 10 months while she worked on it. Through this time I would see at moments she still had very strong feelings for me, she would cry and talk about them, but I knew she was still working on it, so I laid back. I began to date a little and OW was "okay" with this for awhile thinking it was “cute.” This was until she thought things would get serious for me with someone else. She was so distraught and in tears, she was on the verge of going full blown NC with me because she did not want to think of me being with someone else and happy. We got all the way to where I was going to walk her to her car one last time and then she decided she did not want too. I honestly wasn't ready to date at the time and while I liked that person I didn't see a long term future so I broke it off, it wasn't just because of OW feelings.

 

Shortly after the "close NC incident" her feelings for me again came out full blown and we ended up back in an A with even stronger feelings. We are still there currently. However, now I am fully free and divorced. The catch for me, though she has often said it is not for lack of wanting to be with me on her part she doesn't want to hurt her husband and is trying to sort it all in her head. It can be extremely frustrating at time but I should add that I am not putting my life on hold either. I had no social life due to the controlling ways of my ex, I am finally rebuilding that and have made a lot of friends and enjoy new activities. There are some single women I know that could be possibilities and I am open to it, but I’m not going to be with someone just to be with someone. Will OW make up her mind in time? I don’t know. If she backs out a second time though, I don’t know how I could respect her. That would mean she not only lied to her husband twice but would have done the same to me. So in the meantime I still give her space to work as she needs it, I do enjoy her company but at this point if someone else comes along I am at a point where I can give that person a chance if things become serious and it would be too bad for OW. Though there is no way in hell I would become involved with a married woman now, this is the exception as we started in the same spot.

 

The point is, I know exactly how you are feeling. There is a lot of solid advice in this thread from someone whom has just lived it over the last year and a half. They way you describe your OW is the way that I did/do too. Specifically good remarks are:

 

1.)Do you love the way she made you feel or do you love her? I thought and still think I love her, but on the other hand she has also displayed some behavior I overlooked before because I was so “in love” but then there are other traits still there I fell in love with in the first place. So honestly for me it was a little bit of both.

 

2.) Someone else said do you want a selfish, lying cheat? This is true, as I said for my part I’m not proud of what I did, but there was a real reason for it and I followed through. For my OW I can see the first time and trying to work on it, but the second if she doesn't truly feel how she said makes her a double lie and cheat to both me and her hubby.

 

I can’t tell you what to do, but from my experience her true feelings for you will surface one way or the other. Even if her feelings surface you could have a situation like I do where you’re still the “A”. Will it change for me or you if this happens? I don’t know. But you do have to keep yourself open to all possibilities and let her work it out on her own. Forcing things will do nothing but send her in the opposite direction, even if she does have feelings for you. This will make you a stronger better person regardless of the outcome, it is what it did for me. It’s tough man, I know firsthand how you are feeling. Hang in there and keep us posted.

[gross1016]

pest947 thank you, you just made my day. I love her very much just like you do with your OW. I know that it's not the best position to be in. I always have said to MW that I love you, MW has said it also. So just like you I wait, and I feel in a short time MW will CT me one way or another. I have been giving MW all the space she needs, I have NC at all with her, what makes it harder is works right down the street where I live. I thank you for giving more to think about, but more hope now then ever.

[pest947]

I'm glad I could help, If she truly loves you it will come out. But I also want you to know there are no guarantees and if you end up back in an A it can be very frustrating. I have no doubt she loves me after all this, but I still don't know if shell work it out and will end up together.

 

The biggest thing I can try to convey to you is feel free to love her, but live your life and be open to other possibilities. If you don't you will absolutely go nuts and forcing things never helps. I'm back where you want to be with OW and it can be very frustrating. Try to keep it all in perspective..speaking from experience that can be very hard to do at times.

[gross1016]

pest947 i thank you. I know she loves me and yes I know there are no guarantees, but I my age I willing to be in an A with MW if it means I get to see her. I have not try to force anything yet although I was thinking of emailing MW next week, Do you think that's a good idea?

[TaraMaiden]

I think it would be an excellent idea.

If only to establish precisely - finally, where you stand.

 

make sure that you ask her to reply, at least, to give you an indication of what's what.

 

Really.

You deserve to know one way or the other.

 

If you feel her last words to you were at all ambiguous and somewhat undecided, I think you'd have a right to get a clean answer.

[gross1016]

pest947 To me what you have said here to me is the best thing anyone has said to me since the last CT I had with her by email. Made my day thanks.