5 Months Ago I Met This Beautiful Woman Who Happened To Be Married.

June 13, 2013

I would just have ceased contact altogether.

Like I said -

Actions speak louder than words.

She asked you all manner of questions about your loyalty - and yet here you are - strung out in limbo, without a damn clue as to what is going on.

Apparently.

Well, sadly we can see it a mile off.

She was all words - but her actions betrayed her cowardice.

Rather than do what was most difficult, she chose the 'easy' option of staying with her H and kids.,

Now, I grant you, it may not be the happiest of solutions for either of you - but she made her choice.

What goes on within their 4 walls, and in her head, you cannot say.

But one thing is abundantly clear:

You began this thread 3 days ago.

She's with him.

She's not 'supposed ' to talk to you if she is trying to fix her marriage.

She hasn't talked to you.

From that, you can therefore deduce that - she's trying to fix her marriage.

QED.

June 13, 2013

I'm done. You don't want advice/support...you want agreemant with your decisions. You want us to tell you that you're doing the right thing, when we're all convinced that you're not.

Keep posting and I'm sure you'll find one voice of agreemant to cling to somewhere...that won't make this any more 'right'. But it will make you feel better I guess.

I know what 'supposed' means. I also recognize straw grasping when I read it.

June 13, 2013

TaraMaiden your words ring true, and I understand, but I just can't walk away, If being the OM feels alright to me, and she wants that again, I can live with that. I will be back later ladies.

June 13, 2013

Supposed - 1. Presumed to be true or real without conclusive evidence

This sums up your situation perfectly, because all the evidence you have suggests she is fixing her marriage and moving on from you. But all this evidence sadly isn't conclusive enough for you, because you're clinging soo tightly to hope.

I think instead of waiting for conclusive evidence that she really is fixing her marriage, and really won't ever be coming back (as such conclusive evidence may never come), you should try your best to move on and make the most of your life without her.

I know it'll be very hard. Very, very hard. As heartbreak can be brutal.

But given time you will recover and the sooner you start the sooner you'll bounce back. And the good news is that you never know who you might bump into next.

The right woman for you (one who isn't married), could be just round the corner. But first, you have to move on from this tragic ending, so when she turns up you'll notice her, and be able to give her that chance to become your next sole-mate.

June 13, 2013

That's what else bothers me.

The title of this thread.

I met this wonderful woman who 'happened to be married'.

Not 'who unfortunately is married'.

Not 'who 'is actually married'.

Not 'who, sadly, is married.'

Not even 'who is currently married'.

'happens to be'.

Bit like 'supposed to be'.

when you think about it.

June 13, 2013

TaraMaiden yes I am because it doesn't make sense to me. Let me ask you, if you didn't want to see or talk to your MW or MM wouldn't you have said I don't want to see you or talk to you again leave me alone. Wouldn't you say that?

To let you down easy, so that she would not have to deal with your pain at that moment.

She doesn't want to feel responsible for your pain, so she spins it in a way that shifts the blame to her husband. It's cowardly & self serving.

She is a grown woman and she does not have to follow her husband's orders. She is choosing to, in order to save her marriage.

She loved you in the affair bubble. The bubble has burst.

You are hanging onto the assumption that she wants to see you, but just can't. Even if true, it does not change your situation. She is not with you. You are not together. You may be wishing on the same star, basking in the same sun...but you are living separate lives. Is there some magical invisible wire that is connecting your brains across the miles so that you can share & feel each others love? In my opinion, love without action is perception at best, and delusion at worst.

Can you be truly happy in a relationship that is only feelings? All "in your head" emotions...with no real contact or connection? Love takes action...caring, loving, talking, laughing, connecting, giving, sharing, spending time together, nurturing. Your perception is that she would be giving you all of these things... but that is not your reality.

The reality is that she is in her home, with her husband and kids, being a wife & mother. She is caring, loving, talking, laughing, connecting, giving, sharing, spending time with them, nurturing...her husband and her family. She is probably trying her hardest to save her marriage. Letting him know how she needs to be loved, so that their marriage can survive. Showing him that she does love him, despite her choices. Her actions are focused on saving her marriage.

Now lets assume that you are correct- that she does love you. What does that even mean? Since she is married & committed elsewhere, it means that while she is caring, loving, talking, laughing, connecting, giving, sharing, spending time with, nurturing HER FAMILY, she is also thinking about & missing YOU.

If it were me, I would be like BIG WHOOP! You can think about me and miss me all day, but WTF is that doing for me? My aunt in Florida may be thinking or missing me right now. I know she loves me, but I can't feel it up here in Baltimore. When I visit her, and we hug, and have a beer together on her porch, when she cooks me a meal, when I take her to her dr appts, when we play spades, when we laugh together....THEN I can feel the love. See the difference? If we never saw each other...we would still say we love each other. I would still go to her funeral...but it would be just "words love". Action love is what is meaningful & brings joy to our lives.

And there you are...patiently waiting. Alone. Sacrificing your chances for a real realtionship with real caring, loving, talking, connecting, giving, sharing, time together, nurturing.

You are feeling so special & validated about being a thought in a woman's mind. Knowing that she is thinking of you and missing you is ENOUGH to make up for all that tangible love that you need and deserve?

Don't you think that is just a little bit of a problem?

June 13, 2013

That's what else bothers me.

The title of this thread.

Not 'who unfortunately is married'.
Not 'who 'is actually married'.
Not 'who, sadly, is married.'
Not even 'who is currently married'.

'happens to be'.

Bit like 'supposed to be'.

when you think about it.

I so agree. The title's been niggling at me all week. She doesn't 'happen' to be married, she chose to get married, she made that decision. Or does marriage just 'happen' in the same way infidelity just 'happens' (according to some on LS ) by accident, through divine intervention?

June 13, 2013

OK everyone here, I talked my friends at school, that's where I went this morning, and I am here to tell all you ladies and men, "YOU WERE ALL RIGHT". My friends said to me today just leave it be, no email no nothing. just let it be, do your own thing, so I am going to do that. I am sure you are going to tell that's what we have been saying all along, but I am to stubborn for my own good didn't want to hear it. So what I going to is still come here vent but not in the same manner I have been doing and if MW contacts me I will deal with it at that time. Is that good with all of you here?

June 13, 2013

I'm curious...how old are you? And how old is she? And how did you meet?

As far as the rest of your plan...probably the best thing you can do at this point.

June 13, 2013

We met online, I am twice as old is she is and she is 26, yes Owl that's what I am going to do.

June 13, 2013

We met online, I am twice as old is she is and she is 26, yes Owl that's what I am going to do.

Well, as a man in your 50s you must have much more....life experience...than I would have thought from your posts.

Have you been married before? Serious relationships before? How did you deal with those?

Since (I'm guessing) most of your friends from school are most likely MUCH younger than you are (of an age with MW or younger, seems likely), I'm curious what your friends in your own age bracket have said about the situation?

Given your age, I'd suspect that you've seen how these situations play out time and again...since you and I are of an age. It surprises me that you find the viewpoint you saw here so hard to accept, given that.

June 13, 2013

My friends are around the same age as I am. I was married for 8 years living together for 10 years. I have not had a serious relationship in a while and I was not looking for one when MW came into my life. When my ex and I split up it was a little different then this. I think at that time we were already done, so I moved out there was a time I thought we would get back together but didn't happen. I have several relationships since but nothing serious at all until now.

June 13, 2013

Sorry.

I don't believe you're in your 50's.

You write in far less mature way, and you behaviour is one of a besotted young man even 5 years her junior.....

You have very little credibility.

And with all the advice you've received here - one talk with your friends at school (fellow pupils no doubt!) you've suddenly decided to give up??

Something smells fishy.

June 13, 2013

Well its not like I didn't listen to anyone here. I have been talking to my brother for the last two weeks about this and yes I did talk to my friends who work at the college I went and worked at for that time too. It Just took time for it to sink in I guess and I woke up today with a mindset to email her, but I had a long talk with my brother last night and then my friends and I came to the conclusion on my way back that I was wrong and I should listen, not only to people here but my brother also. So I made that decision that I did and that's it. Like I said if she emails, calls me or text me I will deal with it then. Yes I am 55 Owl. Owl not giving up, just not dealing with it the way I have been. By the way I have talking to these people from the beginning not just today.

Edited June 13, 2013 by gross1016

June 13, 2013

Well its not like I didn't listen to anyone here. I have been talking to my brother for the last two weeks about this and yes I did talk to my friends who work at the college I went and worked at for that time too. It Just took time for it to sink in I guess and I woke up today with a mindset to email her, but I had a long talk with my brother last night and then my friends and I came to the conclusion on my way back that I was wrong and I should listen, not only to people here but my brother also. So I made that decision that I did and that's it. Like I said if she emails, calls me or text me I will deal with it then. Yes I am 55 Owl. Owl not giving up, just not dealing with it the way I have been. By the way I have talking to these people from the beginning not just today.

And getting the exact same advice that you resented and rebelled against here all at the same time?

Not sure why you were so angry with the words you got here if they were mirrored by those made by folks who knew you well.

Personally, I don't view ending this situation as "giving up".

You're simply "giving her what she asked for".

And if she comes to you later to resume the affair...that's a different situation, really. Then SHE resumed contact, and you're STILL 'giving her what she wants'.

But any attempt at contact being initiated on your side before that happens is NOT what she asked from you. Wiser to remain NC...and if she resumes, make your own decision then.

June 13, 2013

Owl, yes I am not giving up, just doing something different for the time. and if it happens I am good with that.

June 13, 2013

wisernow thank you for your comments. I am not giving up, just moving forward. I will make it through this, and I will be a better person for it. I will be here to post some more, and tell you and other how I am doing.

June 14, 2013

I want to thank everyone here for helping supporting me even though I didn't see your advise for myself earlier in this process. I believe now that can go forward like I was before MW., but not giving up on it. Just need to be me and do what I need to do. If j get a text, email or phone from MW I will deal with it then and only then.

June 21, 2013

wisernow didn't respond at first to your post, but now I am. Your say some good things but the rest is just BS. I have worked with and been around truck drivers most of all the jobs I have had out here and I can tell from experience they are only concerned about doing their jobs. When they come home they don't do anything for days. they dont help with their kids, they dont help around the house and I have been told by several MW of truck drivers that their marriages are on the rocks getting to leave. If you think that I was fooling around in front MW kids your so wrong. The only time the older ones saw me was at some where to eat or at a park that's all. I believe in soul-mates and I not waiting for months or even years, but since it's only been a couple weeks I am doing whats best for me, doing my own thing and when or if MW contacts me I will deal with it then. By the MW never said we are done or its over, saying I am not supposed to see is not we are done or I don't or I can't see you.

June 21, 2013

wisernow didn't respond at first to your post, but now I am. Your say some good things but the rest is just BS. I have worked with and been around truck drivers most of all the jobs I have had out here and I can tell from experience they are only concerned about doing their jobs. When they come home they don't do anything for days. they dont help with their kids, they dont help around the house and I have been told by several MW of truck drivers that their marriages are on the rocks getting to leave.

Stereotype much?

If you think that I was fooling around in front MW kids your so wrong. The only time the older ones saw me was at some where to eat or at a park that's all. I believe in soul-mates and I not waiting for months or even years, but since it's only been a couple weeks I am doing whats best for me, doing my own thing and when or if MW contacts me I will deal with it then. By the MW never said we are done or its over, saying I am not supposed to see is not we are done or I don't or I can't see you.

Actually, that's exactly what it means. That's what everyone has tried to tell you. You don't WANT it to mean that, so you deliberately chose to misinterpret the message to read the way you want it to.

But...hold your breath and wait for her if you like.

Just don't reach out to her yourself, directly. Because that is unequivocally what she told you not to do.

Perhaps someday, after many days/weeks/months/years of NC, you'll get the message that was really in what she said.

June 22, 2013

Owl I understand that its your opinion, but I have been seeing a family friend who happens to be a family and marriage counselor. I have known him most of my life and saw him when my marriage wasn't doing that well either.I have been seeing him for about a week now, we have talked and he has seen the email in question. His opinion matters most to me right now. He offered his take on it and he said that it wasn't defined enough, he said just because it says I am not supposed to see, it has a number of different meanings to it. It could mean we are done, finished and over or in his opinion it could mean I am not able to see you now, but I could see you at a later time. So Owl everyone has an opinion and I respect that but my uncle is a professional and I am going with what he said.

June 22, 2013

Owl I understand that its your opinion, but I have been seeing a family friend who happens to be a family and marriage counselor. I have known him most of my life and saw him when my marriage wasn't doing that well either.I have been seeing him for about a week now, we have talked and he has seen the email in question. His opinion matters most to me right now. He offered his take on it and he said that it wasn't defined enough, he said just because it says I am not supposed to see, it has a number of different meanings to it. It could mean we are done, finished and over or in his opinion it could mean I am not able to see you now, but I could see you at a later time. So Owl everyone has an opinion and I respect that but my uncle is a professional and I am going with what he said.

I don't believe a word of this.

If this is the case, why are you still here talking to us?

Why have you only mentioned him now?

And if he has been so helpful, why have you continued posting here?

Sign off and live by this man's words, if that is your wish.

I think this is just you continuing to protest your interpretation, and obstinately refusing the good counsel you have persistently sought here.

You don't want us to be right - so you have introduced this 'imaginary Counsellor-friend' (who then goes from 'family friend' to 'uncle'! ) who suddenly, is saying everything to you, that you WANT to hear. Curiously, this 'Friend/Uncle counsellor's' opinion coincides completely with what you have been insisting.

Well, if you are going to listen to him, I would presume that we are no longer required, and that you won't be seeking feedback any longer?

Would I be correct?

June 22, 2013

I never mentioned it because I did not see him until this week. I was depending on people like you and my friends I see in person to chat with. Yes its kind of confusing, but he is my uncle and does do family/marriage counseling. I did not say he agreed with me I said that he thought this whole thing is really vague and kind of undecided. He said to me that she is really trying to find what she wants for herself and what's best for her. I agreed with that and I told him that I would not give up but just move forward. He says that I should do what's best for me and do things that I like to do and dont do anything to contact her and if she contact me, he said deal with it then.. So I am doing that now and still seeing my uncle for help along with my friends outside of here.

June 23, 2013

Good bye to all here. I will not be back here again. The decision has been made that there is no more dwelling, no more waiting around. I put MW on the back burner where my ex- wife is and moving forward for me. I am not forgetting MW at all just pushing her to the back burner for now and if she contacts me I will deal with it then and only then.

Good luck to you all here.

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