'Third base' by the second date - is that too soon?

[Estate]

I met a fine gentleman from an online dating site.

 

We talked for about a week and so we decided to meet in-person for brunch.

 

On our first meeting (or date), we ate brunch. We had an instant chemistry and it was mutual that we didn't want our meeting to end so we ended up watching a movie. The theatre was close to his condo and, to avoid paying for parking, he told me to park at his downstairs visitor's parking area. So I did. After the movie, he invited me into his condo where we sat on the couch where he has put his arm around me and watched a movie that was on tv. He asked if he could kiss me, I told him that it's too soon. So he didn't... But by the end of our meeting - 7 hours later - we were holding hands as he delivered me to my car and I drove away.

 

During the week, we communicated through text, phone calls and made plans for a second date - I come over to his place for take out dinner, watch documentaries and go out dancing.

 

Our second meeting (6 hours) turned into eating take out dinner at his home, watching two documentaries and slow dancing in his living room. We ended up kissing and, in the heat of our passion, one thing led to another... we ended up going all the way to third base.

 

My problem: While it felt really good, I am regretting my actions because:

1) it was too soon?

2) I want this relationship to last

3) due to 1) and 2), I now have to figure out a way to suggest that we need to slow down without stomping out our existent chemistry

4) maybe.. I'm over-thinking? Over-analyzing?

 

Men, women, boys and girls of the Internet. Advice, comments, suggestions, anything is appreciated. What do I do?

 

Nah, a baseball game sounds like a good date early on.

[ff8princess]

Hi everyone,

 

I promised in my previous post I'd keep you posted on what has happened and how my third date go. Let's just say that, my dear readers and lovely dating advisers that you were bang on correct of this guy and his intentions. As I write this post, I want to provide closure for you - as well as myself - and for other people that are in similar situations... that you can learn from my mistake and how I've dealt with it.

 

I met up with him yesterday after changing our meeting from his condo to a movie theatre. The entire time, he's placed his hand on my leg and gently stroking my inner thigh. The movie turned out to be a REALLY bad one - he whispers to me that we should leave and go back to his place. I told him no, we should at least stay and give this movie 'a chance'. So I made him stay for the entire thing and, afterwards, tells me to go back to his condo.

 

Okay, here's the mistake that I made... please don't yell at me I decided to go to his condo anyways. I thought to myself, well - if he's really has no intentions to stay long-term with me and is providing me with such a pleasurable experience - why don't I just take advantage of it one even if it could be the last time. We sat on his couch to watch tv, he puts his arm around me, starts kissing me, we make out and I caved in - going to third base again...

 

TODAY... we had a confrontation through text

 

HIM: Hey, I think we're moving too fast. What are your thoughts?

 

ME: I think so too but felt that if I said something or declined you advances, that you wouldn't like me or disassociated yourself from me... I'm sorry if you feel this way but I felt it too by our 2nd date and I really want to get to know more about you. I think outings to public places are more appropriate.

 

ME: That's why I asked you out to the movie instead of the condo. What are your thoughts? If you think we're moving too fast and want to slow down, I'm up for that. If this is any indication that we should go our separate ways, I'm fine with that too. I don't want to stand in your way of finding love.

 

HIM: I don't know, I'm still reflecting about 'us' as a match.

 

ME: What I'm reading is: my romantic gestures were meaningless. Thank you for the wonderful sexual service but I've had my fun and no longer interested so have a good life.

 

HIM: No, that's not how it is, though I understand why it appears like that. My gestures weren't false or meaningless though I did irresponsibly let my physical desires get ahead of where we currently were.

 

HIM: I didn't have any plans to 'have my fun and get out'

 

HIM: However I did move too fast physically when I should have waited for us to reach a deeper level relationally first.

 

ME: I then too thank YOU for your company and service these past few days. I think too we are incompatible, moving too fast (mind you... you made the advances so if anyone has the right to complain that it's moving too fast... It should be me. Not you.) And shouldn't see each other again as I will disassociate myself with people of questionable morals. Thank you for your time. I wish you a wonderful life.

 

HIM: I'm sorry for all this. I'm no expert in relationships yet and I've never rushed so quickly before. I'm sorry I've hurt you.

 

HIM: I wasn't complaining that you moved too fast. I know it was me who initiated and it's my fault. I sort of realized the problem after the fact. I'm sorry for all this. You have every right to be angry.

 

ME: No need for any pathetic apology. You should understand that though I may be naive to believe you liked me, I'm not stupid. Definitely not a stupid girl who can be tricked by nice words. If you didn't think we were a good match and acted the way you did, I see no valid reason to be convinced you were simply 'carried away'. That and reality is... You used me. That's the only reason.

 

HIM: I should have done more reflection between dates and not moved too quickly physically, outpacing the actual relationship. However, I was foolish and irresponsible and was thinking with my libido. I'm sorry I've hurt you, I feel like **** right now.

 

I've officially tossed him outta my life. I've never felt happier or the same satisfaction from ripping him into shreds. Alright, my dating advisers, what else should I say to him? Or should I just leave it?

Edited June 12, 2013 by ff8princess

[RedRobin]

I think it is disingenuous of you to blame him for much of anything at this point.

 

We warned you about the risks of going back to his place. You chose just as much as he did to let things get where they are.

 

I'd say it is already done. I'd also say you didn't display much class or tact.... did he tell you he was looking for a serious relationship? With you or anyone else?

 

Next time, don't go to a man's home or vice-versa if you can't trust yourself, have concerns about someone's intentions, or aren't willing to take your share of the risks.

 

If anything, you owe him an apology. Say that you are sorry that you let things get out of hand without seeking more clarity about the intentions... that your relationship styles don't match... then wish him well.

Edited June 12, 2013 by RedRobin

[Nyla]

My husband and I got to third base and did not have sex several times.

 

I wanted to wait until I was sure he wanted a relationship before we went to bed. I think it was a smart choice. We got to know what each other liked in the bedroom before we made love.

[Nyla]

I met a fine gentleman from an online dating site.

 

We talked for about a week and so we decided to meet in-person for brunch.

 

On our first meeting (or date), we ate brunch. We had an instant chemistry and it was mutual that we didn't want our meeting to end so we ended up watching a movie. The theatre was close to his condo and, to avoid paying for parking, he told me to park at his downstairs visitor's parking area. So I did. After the movie, he invited me into his condo where we sat on the couch where he has put his arm around me and watched a movie that was on tv. He asked if he could kiss me, I told him that it's too soon. So he didn't... But by the end of our meeting - 7 hours later - we were holding hands as he delivered me to my car and I drove away.

 

During the week, we communicated through text, phone calls and made plans for a second date - I come over to his place for take out dinner, watch documentaries and go out dancing.

 

Our second meeting (6 hours) turned into eating take out dinner at his home, watching two documentaries and slow dancing in his living room. We ended up kissing and, in the heat of our passion, one thing led to another... we ended up going all the way to third base.

 

My problem: While it felt really good, I am regretting my actions because:

1) it was too soon?

2) I want this relationship to last

3) due to 1) and 2), I now have to figure out a way to suggest that we need to slow down without stomping out our existent chemistry

4) maybe.. I'm over-thinking? Over-analyzing?

 

Men, women, boys and girls of the Internet. Advice, comments, suggestions, anything is appreciated. What do I do?

 

I have learned the hard way that going to a man's house is an invitation for sex. I have been raped because of this and had another man attempt to rape me.

 

After those experiences, I refused to go to a man's home unless I wanted to have sex with him. Men do not invite women to their places to have milk and cookies. I once knew a man who was pressuring me to come sleep at his house after only one date. I turned him down, but he kept on asking and asking. I realized that he just wanted sex and when this fool knew that I was on to him, he lost interest. He thought I was stupid and naive.

 

You do not have any "relationship" after only two dates. That kind of thinking can be viewed as desperate.

 

If you want to slow down, do not go back to his place unless you want to get physical again.

[KungFuJoe]

My husband and I got to third base and did not have sex several times.

 

I wanted to wait until I was sure he wanted a relationship before we went to bed. I think it was a smart choice. We got to know what each other liked in the bedroom before we made love.

 

I'm just saying once you get to oral it's pretty much having sex. It's like saying you don't smoke weed cuz you don't inhale.

[Nyla]

Oral is sex, but it is not intercourse. There is a difference between oral and intercourse in my eyes. If I let a man go down on me and things don't work out...at least I came in his mouth.

 

I gave my husband a blow job when we messed around, but I still wouldn't let him put his dick inside me until I was sure about him and the relationship. I was coming out of two different bad relationships, with a liar and a selfish pig. I was very wary and cautious after those experiences.

[KungFuJoe]

Oral is sex, but it is not intercourse. There is a difference between oral and intercourse in my eyes. If I let a man go down on me and things don't work out...at least I came in his mouth.

 

That statement was all kinds of awesome!!!

[RedRobin]

that said... will also say that I have agreed to go to a man's home as a test.... especially after telling him my expectations about going slow and he agrees.

 

If he pushes for sex, then I know he's full of shyte and doesn't respect me.

 

Men I date need to demonstrate they can control their own selves. That d*ck is attached to their body... not mine.

[SoulJazzBlues]

No need to respond.

 

That texting conversation just seems so awkward and unnecessary. The second he texted "if you want to call it quits, that's fine too". You should have ignored him and deleted his texts. You were a willing partipamt in going to his house, be a big girl and move on.

 

Next time with a new man if you don't think you're capable of controlling your urges, don't go to he house!

[somedude81]

No need to respond.

 

That texting conversation just seems so awkward and unnecessary. The second he texted "if you want to call it quits, that's fine too". You should have ignored him and deleted his texts. You were a willing partipamt in going to his house, be a big girl and move on.

Next time with a new man if you don't think you're capable of controlling your urges, don't go to he house!

That really is a good point.

 

Unless you are ready to have sex with a guy, don't go to his place, especially at night.

[tbf]

This is really...text book.

[TheGuard13]

I don't think this guy did anything all that wrong. He spent a lot of time with you before doing anything physical. I'm not even sure you realize what he actually said to you in his last text conversation...you seem to have just interpreted it as what you wanted to hear...that he was using you. I don't see that from him at all.

 

What you said to him in your last text message was absolutely heartless and really rather uncalled for.

[SJC2008]

Wow it looks like OLD has sped up from the 3rd date pump and dump to the 2nd date pump and dump.

 

The ONLY person that is going to look after your interests it YOU! It doesn't matter what you tell them, it matters what they do when you tell them and whether you enforce your boundaries. In another thread I told a woman on our 3rd date that I didn't want to be a rebound but guess what? I wound up being a rebound. I should of walked after I realized we had different goals but I didn't, I hung around. Yes I could say she was "wrong" for not ending things with me becasue she too knew we were looking for different things but she feigned interest to milk the attention. TBS I blame myself for not looking after myself and if I wasn't why should I expect her or anyone else to?

[orchids]

HIM: No, that's not how it is, though I understand why it appears like that. My gestures weren't false or meaningless though I did irresponsibly let my physical desires get ahead of where we currently were.

 

HIM: I didn't have any plans to 'have my fun and get out'

 

HIM: However I did move too fast physically when I should have waited for us to reach a deeper level relationally first.

 

ME: I then too thank YOU for your company and service these past few days. I think too we are incompatible, moving too fast (mind you... you made the advances so if anyone has the right to complain that it's moving too fast... It should be me. Not you.) And shouldn't see each other again as I will disassociate myself with people of questionable morals. Thank you for your time. I wish you a wonderful life.

 

HIM: I'm sorry for all this. I'm no expert in relationships yet and I've never rushed so quickly before. I'm sorry I've hurt you.

 

HIM: I wasn't complaining that you moved too fast. I know it was me who initiated and it's my fault. I sort of realized the problem after the fact. I'm sorry for all this. You have every right to be angry.

 

ME: No need for any pathetic apology. You should understand that though I may be naive to believe you liked me, I'm not stupid. Definitely not a stupid girl who can be tricked by nice words. If you didn't think we were a good match and acted the way you did, I see no valid reason to be convinced you were simply 'carried away'. That and reality is... You used me. That's the only reason.

 

HIM: I should have done more reflection between dates and not moved too quickly physically, outpacing the actual relationship. However, I was foolish and irresponsible and was thinking with my libido. I'm sorry I've hurt you, I feel like **** right now.

I think you overreacted. Were you even reading his texts?

 

Your texts don't sound like responses, they sound like a speech you had ready ...

[SoulJazzBlues]

I don't think this guy did anything all that wrong. He spent a lot of time with you before doing anything physical. I'm not even sure you realize what he actually said to you in his last text conversation...you seem to have just interpreted it as what you wanted to hear...that he was using you. I don't see that from him at all.

 

What you said to him in your last text message was absolutely heartless and really rather uncalled for.

 

I don't think it was heartless, tactless? Yes. Unnecessary? Yes.

 

OP: you were a willing participant, you said you wanted pleasure, we advised you not to go home with him and you ignored the advice. How did he use you? You weren't forced. You FELL for some cheap tricks, the heat of the moment and compliments. That's on you.

 

But he clearly had no interest in anything besides sex AFTER your three "meetings". Maybe it came too easy, maybe he didn't feel a connection. Who knows. But he sure didn't use you

[SJC2008]

I think you overreacted. Were you even reading his texts?

 

Your texts don't sound like responses, they sound like a speech you had ready ...

 

I don't think she overreacted per se. I think she prempted the inevitable BUT he knew she would and she took the bait.

[orchids]

I don't think she overreacted per se. I think she prempted the inevitable BUT he knew she would and she took the bait.

I find the name-calling an overreaction, considering both were willing parties... you can't really call yourself "used" if you knew what you were consenting to.

 

I thought to myself, well - if he's really has no intentions to stay long-term with me and is providing me with such a pleasurable experience - why don't I just take advantage of it one even if it could be the last time.

I mean, she did think this. To go on about "people of questionable morals" and how "you used me" seems a little overboard.

[SJC2008]

I find the name-calling an overreaction, considering both were willing parties... you can't really call yourself "used" if you knew what you were consenting to.

 

It taked two to tango. While you're statement is technically correct, his actions don't speak well about his character. Look at my example. She knew I was looking for an R but she warned me so she was covered. Instead of breaking things off she milked the fact I was looking and used me for attention so what does that say about her character? Like I said thoug, we need to look out for ourselves.

[orchids]

Instead of breaking things off she milked the fact I was looking and used me for attention so what does that say about her character? Like I said thoug, we need to look out for ourselves.

Fact.

 

I think it's safe to agree that he doesn't have a character but OP sure wasn't "used"

[TheGuard13]

I think you overreacted. Were you even reading his texts?

 

Your texts don't sound like responses, they sound like a speech you had ready ...

Exactly.

 

I don't see how anyone was used here.