Lost, Wanting Knowledge, Unsure of Where I am..

[Broly3k8]

Good evening/morning/day everyone! This is my first post here so try to be friendly! By the way my name is Shawn Collins, I am a 23yr old male, and currently deployed in Afghanistan. On to why I am writing:

 

So as I have just stated I am currently deployed to this 'wonderful' place called Afghanistan. I have been here for 9 months and we leave very shortly. Before we left the states for this deployment I told myself one thing: I will not have any sexual or romantic relatioinships while I was here. I did this because even though this is my first deployment, I knew the potential stuff like that has to really make a bad day worse, and make very bad decisions seem like good decisions. While I have been here I have kept to my promise.

 

Doing this has taught me alot about my inner feelings, who I am and what I want. When I arrived here I was in a relationship with a woman I had met in Germany some years ago, and we had planned to get married. That ended because I quickly came to realize that is not what I wanted.

 

That for me was my biggest and first lesson here: Listen to your heart.

 

Sounds gay, but had I been doing that to begin with, I wouldn't have ruined this womans last 3 years, spent wasting her time, on a person like me who just couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't happy.

 

Shortly there after I got into a bit of trouble at work and realized I had been in some sort of weird downward spiral. I started really thinking on it and the changes in my life over the past few years, and started to conclude I was probably in a minor depression, and had been for sometime. I just wasn't happy with anything I had been doing at the time, where I was going, people I tlaked too, my work performance. It all just added up. Eventually I got some professional help and after sometime they too agreed with my minor depression and put me on some meds called Effexor (Yay!/?), and I am not sure, but I think they work.

 

Ok ALL of that being said, the end of this deployment is finally upon us. We have less then 3 weeks left in country and yes I am pretty excited to be getting home. A lot has changed for me because in an attempt to find something spiritually to believe in I came across hinduism, which unlike other religions, immediatly seemed right too me. Sure I have questions but I am not skeptical, or critical like I am with Christianity and Cathlocism, etc etc. I have also realized there is soo much more about me I want too know, at the same time, I still want to companionship of someone else, to find that perfect someone. I know with the search for knowledge I will probably continue too change and want someone or something new. On top of all of this Ihave finally embraced my emotional and affectionate side. For most of my life I have been the odd man out due to me being very emotionally consious, and aware. Often leaving me friendless, and the onlyone standing alone at the party or club. Other times I can be the life of it all. With this embrace I have come to realize that my single greatest joy is bringing joy into other peoples lives. The greatest feeling comes from bringing women too climax. After that comes the feeling of seeing 100's of people on the dance floor dancing to your beat, all of them happy to be there, all of them made just a little better. Now that I will have all of this free time when I get back to the states, I feel like I am becoming lost already because I have no idea where to begin. Do I take massage classes? Join cuddle groups? Learn about this new thing called OM? I just have no clue, and am kind of shocked by it all.. I am not sure all of this comes together well, but hopefully I can be understood. I just want to hear other's opinions I think.

[TaraMaiden]

Woah....!

 

You've put on your running shoes before you've even learnt to walk - metaphorically speaking!

 

Mind you, I know how you feel - I felt that way when I switched paths from Catholicism to Buddhism.

 

I wanted to learn a huge amount, learn it all at once, get it all at once and do it all Now.

It happens a lot, when all the jigsaw pieces seem to fit, and you know what you want the final picture to look like...

 

Chill.

Breathe.

 

Learn or apply yourself to meditation.

 

Don't shove it down anyone's throat, but just take it all in, bit by bit, little by little step by step.

 

Whatever resonates, take it, examine it, scrutinise and research it, and if it's 'all good' - implement it and live by it.

 

There is no race, no urgency, and no 'final exam'.

 

There's just you, and what clicks.

 

patience.

 

That's what does it.

 

Patience.

 

Time enough to find your way, when you get back home, in a calm and chilled-out manner.

Until then, relax, meditate and be mindful.