Fiancé is still friends with his ex's family

[Gal0101]

My fiancé of a year is still friends with his ex's family. He moved from England to Scotland for his ex, lived with her and her family for three years and they've been broken up for about three years now. He also works for her step dad at his company. He still lives here in Scotland because he's made a life here regardless of her. I consider myself a very understanding person as I dated my ex for three/four years and became very close to his family and I also worked for his mother so I completely know how it's like to have a relationship with them regardless of the person. Even after my ex and I broke up, his mom still treated me like a daughter and didnt want me to leave my job in which like I said, she was the boss at. BUT and here's the big but, his ex's mom is driving me CRAZY!

 

I moved from the states to be with him here and on top of everything, him still being friends with them, working for her step dad, he also rents a house from them! And the ex's mom, we'll call her Sheila, thinks its okay to come over to our house unannounced whenever she feels like it! It would be a lot different if she was friendly and wanted to get to know me as a person, but she doesn't. Just recently we had a BBQ to celebrate our engagement and she of course was there and not once did she congratulate me! Granted she does do a lot to help him which helps me since I'm with him but she is just a self centred person who only cares about herself. She has never asked me anything about myself in the 8 months I've been here. It just makes me wonder what my fiancé sees in her as a person and why he would want to stay friends with such a fake, insincere person? Is he not over his ex or his past? Does he wish things were like how they used to be? I understand that she was like a mother to him when he came to Scotland and she took care of him but still. Does he not see that she makes no effort to respect the fact that I'm with him now and not her daughter? And it makes me question why everyone especially the ex is so okay with this situation. The ex girlfriend lives with her new boyfriend so obviously she's moved on but I wonder how she would feel if her boyfriends ex's mom was doing what her mom is doing to me? Or how she feels about my fiance still being so close to her family to the point where they lend him their car to pick me up from the airport. My fiancé and her do not speak or see each other but her brother works with my fiancé and they are still pretty close too. If I were her I would feel betrayed by my family but that's just me.

 

The whole thing just annoys me that he can't see how this would bother any normal person in my situation. It's like he's completely blind to anything being wrong with it. AND he has the nerve to be a hypocrite and make comments about how I shouldn't talk or take any job offers from my ex's mom when I go back home. So it's okay for him to feel that way about my ex's mom but I can't feel the way I do about this situation? With Sheila coming into our house uninvited whenever she pleases?

 

Just one more thing, one day we were sitting in the back yard relaxing and enjoying the sun when all of a sudden she comes waltzing in because she wanted to look at the swing chair (she bought it) because theirs wasn't working. Earlier I was pulling out weeds from the garden and apparently missed quite a few as she so politely pointed out and I jokingly made a comment "I don't know what weeds are" because I don't garden and really, I don't know which are weeds and which aren't because I didn't plant the garden. So the next day she has the nerve to come into our backyard and spray paint all of the weeds so I knew which ones to pull out. What kind of psycho does that? She's just way out of line and has no boundaries.

 

How would you feel in my situation and what would you say to your partner who doesn't really think there's anything wrong with it?

[Zapbasket]

Gosh, that's a tough situation and I feel for you. I don't really know what advice to give, except to say that sometimes people come to love a romantic partner's family as their own, and even after the relationship ends, the familial-like connection continues. And that has nothing to do with the ex, or lingering feelings for the ex or nostalgia for what once was, etc.

 

It sounds, though, like you'd not have a problem with it if the ex's mom weren't so indifferent to you, and intrusive. Am I right? If so, then perhaps you can talk with your fiance about your feelings and he can gently establish some new boundaries with the ex's mom, worded in such a way that it won't sound as though you put him up to it. SHE sounds like the one with the lingering nostalgia, and I'm sure deep down she wouldn't want to come between you and your fiance, especially since she'd have nothing to gain by doing so as her daughter has moved on.

 

Hang in there; discuss your feelings and possible solutions, gently and calmly. It sounds like everyone's heart is in the right place, so no ties need be broken. Nor do you need to suffer in silence. Good luck :-)

[Gal0101]

Yes! Thank you! Exactly. If she wasn't the way she was I wouldn't have such a problem with it as I said, I am very understanding. But she is unbearable and like you said, just so indifferent to me. I've tried, admittedly not very calmly at times, to express to him how I feel about it and no matter how I try to get him to see from my point of view and he just doesn't get it.

 

Tonight I brought it up again and made a comment about how she never said anything to me at the BBQ and he immediately got defensive about it. It frustrates and hurts me how he can't see how this makes me uncomfortable. If she was just a tiny bit considerate and decent towards me this whole thing would not be an issue but he refuses to see her in any other light but good. He makes excuses for her saying "well that's just how she is with everyone" so if that's the case, why would you even want to be around someone who takes no interest in other people's lives other than her own? I just don't know how I can make him see.

 

To him, there is no solution because there is no problem. I'm afraid I'm going to become resentful of him for dismissing my feelings all the time. If the roles were reversed even if I saw nothing wrong with the situation, I would be understanding of how it might make him feel that I'm still in close contact with an ex's family and I wouldn't let his mom come into our house whenever she wanted even if she did technically own it. It's hard enough moving so far away from home and then to have to deal with this and we get married I'm August!

 

I can't even see him say to her to not do what she does because like I said, he sees nothing wrong with it!

[2sure]

She is his boss's wife and his landlord. He is in a tough spot unless he changes jobs and moves.

[Gal0101]

She is his boss's wife and his landlord. He is in a tough spot unless he changes jobs and moves.

 

I understand that and have no issues with that but it's the fact that he just isn't considerate of my feelings. I don't want him to cut off contact with them because I would have never done that to my ex's mom who really became a good friend of mine and did so much for me. I just want some consideration that I don't have a relationship with them like he does so how awkward is it for someone you don't know to walk into your house AND ignore you and make ZERO effort to connect with me and being his ex's mom just puts the cherry on top.

[2sure]

Oh gosh, I definitely know what you mean.

 

You recognize this is his job, you recognize that because of the job and the previous relationship , he has some obligation to make allowances for this woman.

 

But your experience here with this woman is different, and he should recognize that . Even if he does nothing, changes nothing, he can validate your feelings and the reality of whats happening.

 

If he did that, you could both laugh about her rediculous behavior.

[Zapbasket]

Tonight I brought it up again and made a comment about how she never said anything to me at the BBQ and he immediately got defensive about it.

 

This is tough territory, because you don't want him to be misled into thinking you're jealous because she is his ex's mother. You need to help him understand that of course that fact plays into your discomfort, but only because her attitude of disregard toward you, coupled with this other garnish of fact, makes you feel displaced from your position as your fiance's life partner. It's even harder because you're all alone in a new place.

 

Is there a different way you can broach this that won't make him defensive? Maybe the way you brought it up before made him feel you were implicitly asking him to choose sides, or confront her directly.

 

I can't even see him say to her to not do what she does because like I said, he sees nothing wrong with it!

 

What if you changed tactics instead of holding out for him to take care of it? It sucks when someone shows absolutely no interest in you, never asks a thing about you, etc. Most times it has nothing to do with you, people are just rude or standoffish to newcomers to town, or new people. This could be the case with his ex's mom; it could have nothing to do with the fact that your fiance once dated her daughter. I find that with standoffish people, sometimes you can disarm them by taking an interest in them, asking about them, and eventually they'll feel comfortable around you and start to reciprocate a bit. (Often it's not a full reciprocation, but it's enough for you to not feel deliberately isolated in social situations with the person.)

[Gal0101]

Even if he does nothing, changes nothing, he can validate your feelings and the reality of whats happening.

 

If he did that, you could both laugh about her rediculous behavior.

 

That's all I really want. And we do laugh about the weed incident and make jokes about it so I know he knows it was completely not normal of her to do that so that's something at least.

[Gal0101]

This is tough territory, because you don't want him to be misled into thinking you're jealous because she is his ex's mother. You need to help him understand that of course that fact plays into your discomfort, but only because her attitude of disregard toward you, coupled with this other garnish of fact, makes you feel displaced from your position as your fiance's life partner. It's even harder because you're all alone in a new place.

 

I think that's exactly what he thinks every time I bring her up. That I'm jealous that it's an ex's mom but like you said, it's her attitude towards me that is the main problem. I told him last night that I am a big part of his life now and I feel like she doesn't see that let alone give me the respect I deserve as his fiancé whether or not they've been in his life longer really doesn't matter. We are very serious now and mean a lot to each other.

 

And it's especially hard being in a new place. It does make you feel incredibly alone not being understood.

 

Is there a different way you can broach this that won't make him defensive? Maybe the way you brought it up before made him feel you were implicitly asking him to choose sides, or confront her directly.

 

I'll admit the way I've brought things up hasn't been the best because I get frustrated that my point isn't getting across so that definitely could be a factor into why he gets defensive and feels like I'm making him choose sides. I think today I'll text him (I'm not fond of texting but he's at work and I feel like sometimes when you have a chance to sit down and write things out, your thoughts are a lot clearer) and tell him what is really going on so he understands better.

 

What if you changed tactics instead of holding out for him to take care of it? It sucks when someone shows absolutely no interest in you, never asks a thing about you, etc. Most times it has nothing to do with you, people are just rude or standoffish to newcomers to town, or new people. This could be the case with his ex's mom; it could have nothing to do with the fact that your fiance once dated her daughter. I find that with standoffish people, sometimes you can disarm them by taking an interest in them, asking about them, and eventually they'll feel comfortable around you and start to reciprocate a bit. (Often it's not a full reciprocation, but it's enough for you to not feel deliberately isolated in social situations with the person.)

 

I did make conversation with her at the BBQ and she was not as standoffish. She actually had a decent conversation with me and didn't give me one word answers or anything so that was good. But then for my birthday back in February she offered to drive my fiancé and I to a restaurant so we could have a drink and on the ride there did not say one word to me. Didn't even say "Happy Birthday"! She's really confusing to me. But I think you're right, it's just the way some people are here to new comers in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Very standoffish. My fiancé's best friend and our roommate hardly spoke to me the first few months I was here but that's a whole different issue!

 

Ah, well thank you for the advice and taking the time to reply to my post! It's really helped!

[Nyla]

This would be way too much involvement with an ex's family for me.

[SuperGeek]

As a man I don't understand why he would stay in contact with his ex's family, even for a job. It's not worth it and life is too short to be tied up with an ex if there are no children involved. I'd seriously question if he was over his ex, because no amount of money or _job_ would be worth it for me to be in contact with my ex or her family. If I had to live homeless and pan handle to survive in order to be away from the ex and her relatives I would do it.

 

This is a red flag in my view.

 

This is the kind of stuff you typically find out _in the beginning_ while dating, so it sounds like you didn't research him enough. If you let it go for a few years, it's going to be hard for you to change it now and it's unfair of you to ask him to do it at this point.

Edited June 11, 2013 by SuperGeek

[Gal0101]

So lets be clear on this.

 

You knew from the start or way before getting engaged and moved to his place

that ex family is evolve.

And you shore have seen them interact some how.

 

So why do you wait till today to start complaining about those stuff that you do not like?

Next time dont wait 4 years.

Address them right away so you can get out sooner if its not worth it.

 

I knew about this before I came over and was fine with it until I realized just how involved they are in each others lives and when the ex's mom starting showing up announced.

 

 

So if this is a issue you need to address it in a mature way to him and

next step is to get out of that house and get your own that have noting to do with exes.

And he need to get another job that have noting to do with them.

 

If he dont want to do any of this any time soon and fight to stay in the house etc.

i think you should leave him.

Because it is telling you that he finds his ex family more important then his future wife.

We've had an argument before about living in this house a couple of times and he doesn't want to move because for the price, size and location it is a really good house (plus he has his stupid fish pond here that he adores) and I really can't deny that. After each argument though he does say "Okay, if you want to move, we'll move" but he clearly doesn't want to.

 

But after I get back from the states and can get a job, we are saving up money to buy our own house so we don't have to rent off of anyone anymore. I can't really ask him to find another job because he just became a full licensed plumber a year ago and just like in the states, finding jobs here is difficult during this time. I'm okay with him working for her step dad it's just the mom I need some boundaries with.

 

And its like he lean to much on stuff he got from his ex family. that is messy.

 

I completely agree. It's like this whole house and everything in it is from them. The furniture, dishes, everything. But at the same time, I get it because they were his family here in a new country regardless of the ex, you form friendships with people.

 

And i think you can easily tell that woman that you dont want her to keep coming around. Because you like your peace and rest.

Because she is noting yours.

I'm just not that kind of person. And I know it would upset him.

 

This dude is bringing some kind of drama with him.

And its like he finds it all okay.

It would not surprise me that he stills banging his ex at work or anywhere

near his ex family.

He is to cool with the situation.

Okay, this is just stupid. I want to make it clear that he is an AMAZING guy. He's been supporting me for 8 months since I can't work here. He's thoughtful, genuine and caring. I know he would never cheat on me especially with her. He's just a dumb guy who doesn't see anything wrong with things and (sorry) but men sometimes tend to be very one sided and won't see from other people's points of view especially if they feel like there's nothing wrong.

[Gal0101]

As a man I don't understand why he would stay in contact with his ex's family, even for a job. It's not worth it and life is too short to be tied up with an ex if there are no children involved. I'd seriously question if he was over his ex, because no amount of money or _job_ would be worth it for me to be in contact with my ex or her family. If I had to live homeless and pan handle to survive in order to be away from the ex and her relatives I would do it.

 

This is a red flag in my view.

 

This is the kind of stuff you typically find out _in the beginning_ while dating, so it sounds like you didn't research him enough. If you let it go for a few years, it's going to be hard for you to change it now and it's unfair of you to ask him to do it at this point.

 

Okay, that's a bit extreme. Lol. They were his family when he came here from a new country and did a lot for him. He formed bonds and relationships that had nothing to do with the ex. I know this and understand it because I did the same thing with my ex's family. His mom took me and his older sister to Florida without him, just us three and she also took me and the family to Hawaii without him. She really treated me like a daughter and when my ex and I broke up, I couldn't just shun her because she was my ex's mom.

 

I also worked for her and nothing in our relationship changed. She still adored me, and I her. It would have been unfair of me to not want to stay friends with her because of him because she did so much for me and was like a mom to me. So I understand where he's coming from with them. At the end of the day, we are all individuals. Even though his relationship with her ended, the one with her family didn't and that's okay. It's just the fact that they (well just the mom) don't want a relationship with me who is in a relationship with him! Ha! I honestly don't want one with them but she shows NO effort in it which makes it worse.

 

BUT I did question whether or not he was over his ex until I came to realize that he is but I still wonder if he's caught up in the past. I know he doesn't still want to be with her but I just wonder if he is kind of living in the past. Does that make sense? Like he doesn't want to move forward. I've told him before that even though I've made friends here, I don't want to live in Scotland my whole life and he agrees. I've made a huge sacrifice for him and uprooted my life for him so I expect him to do the same for me when the time comes to starting a new life somewhere different.

 

I don't think it's unfair of me to ask him to tell her to back off if she doesn't want to be nice because we are getting married now. Maybe when we were just dating it would have been but now that we are making this huge commitment to each other, I feel like we really need this sorted out.

 

Ugh, all I know is that this whole thing is slowly eating away at our relationship because on top of all these struggles we have to face, me being from the other side of the world, it's this too. But I don't want to give up because like I said, he's amazing and everything I've ever wanted in a man and we love spending time together and get along so well. Plus we are really in love with each other. I feel like we're still in our honey moon, mushy gaga love, phase.