IS IT Better late Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 MT Biker, So the advice my friends give me is this "stop thinking about her". Great advice guys. Howwww???? If it was just that easy I would've done it already. I've gone periods of NC and LC. But the hope hasn't died. You sound like you miss your girl as much as I miss mine. Even though she's jerked me around and disrespected me. I still don't hate her. I still think about the good and how much I'd like to see her again. I just can't believe it, I pine for the day when I can wake up and she doesn't enter my mind. I've started to date other girls but nothing seems to overcome my thoughts of her. Don't check Facebook until you can laugh if off and say look at that loser! I actually asked my friend last night that maybe if I saw my ex with another dude that would help me move on. And he said nope, that would just make you want to kill them both lol. He's right! And until we're in place where you can be ok with that, you really don't want to peek into her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 We'll never really know that though, huh?? TFY You can use that logic with just about any hypothetical scenario pertaining to pretty much any subject. Link to post Share on other sites
CorridorE Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Gladly, no. I have never had a FB account. Makes it easy not to FB stalk Good for you! Facebook stirs up so much unnecessary drama it's unbelievable. I wish I made never made one, but now that I've had it for over four years everyone would think I fell off the earth /: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CorridorE Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I strongly suggest not checking fb. I foresee only two scenarios happening: 1. You see nothing of importance. Your hope doesn't die because you think, oh she isn't seeing anybody. You've now overcome the initial fear of checking fb and will get the urge to continue keeping tabs on her (because why not feed that hope?), which prevents you from moving on. Until scenario 2. 2. You see that she is seeing someone else. Yes, it will kill hope, but seeing names, statuses, pictures will surely set you back and haunt you as you're still in the midst of grieving. You will gain MORE questions: why him? Why has she moved on already? How could she write that? Etc etc. Facing the truth may propel you to move forward, but looking at fb is just self-torture. (I am speaking from experience.) Maintain NC and let hope die naturally. To share my own personal case, when I saw that he was in a new relationship through facebook as in situation two, my hope actually grew. This isn't what would happen for most people, but for me it was true because I knew about his new girl from friends who had met her in the past and had heard some absolute horror stories about how awful this girl was. For the first few weeks when he started seeing her my false hope grew because I thought after being with her for a while, he might miss how good I was to him and realize his mistake. Didn't happen, but everyone's thought process is different. And so I unfriended him after that and never looked back at his page... but the images and statuses still haunt me, and even though most of the hope has died away I wish I had never seen those things. It's a huge regret of mine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 You can use that logic with just about any hypothetical scenario pertaining to pretty much any subject. Agreed... But then does that mean one should NEVER entertain any other opinion/result? TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 It won't kill hope, it will ruin you. Only and I mean ONLY stalk FB profiles if you're 110% completely and utterly over your ex. I'm actually a fan of checking FB FAR down the line just to check in with yourself to see if you're truly over an ex. For example, with me... I knew I was moving past my ex. I knew I felt nothing for him. I don't like who he is as a person, but there's no real emotion on my end behind all that. This past weekend I pretty much FB stalked everyone. His profile, his new gf, his brother, some mutual friends/family members. You know what I felt? Absolutely nada. It was actually really refreshing. I actually said to myself, "I'm so far disconnected from my ex that I don't even feel like we were ever a couple." And we dated for three years! Weeeeeird. I have a few exs on Facebook. Im blocked on a few and a few I can see. I havent checked an ex on Facebook in quite some time now. I am over all my exs also Katzee but to be honest im not even curious to check anymore. I just think its liberating to say to yourself "I couldnt give a monkeys nutsack what is going on in your life..I wish you well but that is about it" I think acceptance is an awesome thing. I assume and accept they found someone better then me for them. I assume in some cases these guys will have to deal with some of the crazy bull***** I had to deal with. I accept I have grown as a person and learnt harsh lessons. I accept Im going to find someone better for me. I think if u deal with a breakup in a hwalthy way acceptance becomes easier. I hold no anger towards my exs. I worked towards forgiveness, I didnt wait for indifference. Some exs (in general, ive been quite lucky being blocked) on Facebook will play games. They will post albums of them having the time of their lives. Many times this is just a facade to show the world how happy they are. Any photos I post now are just for friends. I dont feel the need to post photos hoping an ex might stop by so that she can see how happy I am or how good I look nowadays. Real liberation from your ex (imo) is never checking..Doesnt matter how wrong or right u are as long as you feel good about yourself. OP this is what u need to strive for Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 OP- curious, have you dated at all since the break up? If not, why? I've been and off a couple OLD sites, and chatted with a few girls, but no, haven't been out. Still too soon I think. Just not ready yet. Like I said, it's only been 3 months of NC. And, very hard to meet quality women in the town I am currently living in. I will hopefully be moving back to a larger city soon and will probably just wait until then... Even though the ex probably is dating, I don't feel like it's a race, so I don't feel like have to hurry up and date. And, as I mentioned on this thread and others, I am in the process of identifying and addressing some major issues within my own life. Need to get a grip on that first, so I don't just repeat the same crap over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 This is the last comment Ill make on this... I went from pining, yearning, hoping....blah,blah...To total indifference in less than 24 hours.. One thing anyone can say is that ataying NC will NEVER do that.. Kinda like would you rather have one big roundhouse to the teeth or get pummeled for days on end.. Excuse me while I look for my teeth:D TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) Agreed... But then does that mean one should NEVER entertain any other opinion/result? TFY They can entertain whatever they want to entertain. But for most, it's not that simple. I really don't get why you don't understand this and why you are being so militant about it. I mean, I get drowsy when I drink caffeine. But that doesn't mean I'm going to tell people to drink a bunch of soda or coffee if they are having problems falling asleep just because it works for me, because I realize my reaction is an unusual one. I'm glad it worked for you. But for most posters on this site, I don't think it would have nearly the same effect. I haven't once criticized you for doing it -- I just don't get why you are getting bent out of shape about this. You gave your suggestion. It's on the record. Not sure why you are continuing to belabor the point. Edited June 10, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 I think acceptance is an awesome thing. I assume and accept they found someone better then me for them. I assume in some cases these guys will have to deal with some of the crazy bull***** I had to deal with. I accept I have grown as a person and learnt harsh lessons. I accept Im going to find someone better for me. I think if u deal with a breakup in a hwalthy way acceptance becomes easier. I hold no anger towards my exs. I worked towards forgiveness, I didnt wait for indifference. Yes, I think forgiveness is an important step, but I still have quite a bit of anger right now... Some exs (in general, ive been quite lucky being blocked) on Facebook will play games. They will post albums of them having the time of their lives. Many times this is just a facade to show the world how happy they are. Any photos I post now are just for friends. I dont feel the need to post photos hoping an ex might stop by so that she can see how happy I am or how good I look nowadays. Either my ex is respecting my request for NC or just doesn't give a crap. Either way, I'm OK with that... And, no FB stalking as I don't have an account Real liberation from your ex (imo) is never checking..Doesnt matter how wrong or right u are as long as you feel good about yourself. OP this is what u need to strive for Working on it... Found out I have some issues I wasn't aware of, but has become crystal clear that I do... Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Many of you know my feelings on FB and checking up on the ex. I think it is a terrible idea and self-inflicted torture. Not in my case. My ex's pages rarely change. Link to post Share on other sites
J_L_C Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I am definitely not the person to ask about this as I have been hung up on my ex for over 10 months now, but here's what happened with me. 8 months total contact, breadcrumbs combine with abuse. Finally went NC for 2 months then thought it was safe to reach out. Asked him to grab a coffee and catch up. He tells me he'll think about it but he's on his way to Venezuela to see a girl he met on vacation ONCE and is now in love with. I was doing "ok" until THAT happened. Now I'm f u kk ed. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 I am definitely not the person to ask about this as I have been hung up on my ex for over 10 months now Oh, we've been separated physically for 15 months, so... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 So the advice my friends give me is this "stop thinking about her". Great advice guys. Howwww???? If it was just that easy I would've done it already. I know, right? It's like 'Why didn't I think of that?' Durrr!! I've gone periods of NC and LC. But the hope hasn't died. You sound like you miss your girl as much as I miss mine. I don't know what I feel anymore. I miss the good times. I miss how we were in the beginning. But there is also a lot I don't miss. I am bag of emotions!! Even though she's jerked me around and disrespected me. I still don't hate her. I still think about the good and how much I'd like to see her again. I cycle through hate to not hate, and everything in-between. Again, I don't know what the hell I feel anymore. And whatever I do feel, will surely change quick enough… I just can't believe it, I pine for the day when I can wake up and she doesn't enter my mind. Yes, indifference would be a nice change of pace. I feel I'll get there. Eventually… I've started to date other girls but nothing seems to overcome my thoughts of her. I'm not ready yet. For this ^^ and many other reasons. Maybe soon, but not yet… Don't check Facebook until you can laugh if off and say look at that loser! Agreed… I actually asked my friend last night that maybe if I saw my ex with another dude that would help me move on. And he said nope, that would just make you want to kill them both lol. He's right! And until we're in place where you can be ok with that, you really don't want to peek into her life. Again, decided this is absolutely not a good idea right now… Just not strong enough yet Link to post Share on other sites
HopelessRomantick Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Don't do it! 10 months later and I am still struggling although it has gotten better until last week. My situation adds a huge financial debt to the picture of which I was trying to pay back on my own but it will take me 5 years so I finally decided last week to call her and ask her to help me. After all it was money to support her while she was in school and then school tuition and related expenses.... She agreed and will get back to me. We'll see... Anyway, After hearing her voice last Monday night I spent the next 4-5 days in devastated heartache hell.... again. Feeling a little better now but in the process I had my friend go on my facebook which I haven't used since the breakup and delete her finally. Over the past months I would only login to FB to check my messages from my other friends. Each time I did it I made sure to resize my browser so I couldn't see any status updates, feeds, etc. All I allowed myself to see was the mail pending icon at top left. So DON'T do it! You will regret it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
headsashed Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Checking an ex's facebook to kill off hope? hmm. I actually once thought that and checked her facebook, only to have my heart torn even more, it didn't give me hope nor did it kill off any hope,nothing changed apart from it felt like id just **** out an hedgehog. I always thought that if I saw any evidence that would kill off hope then id move one quicker/easier, but it doesn't, seeing your ex happy will not change your hope, it will only hurt you. For example, say you checked you ex's fb and saw she had a new bf and was happy, you would think that is the hope killer you needed and you would feel better,but I bet you mind set doesn't change at all. As chitown said, im kind of a success story now, im indifferent and that only happened because I went total NC,no checkin fb or anything,for the 2nd or 3rd time may I add, cos I was a stubbord sob. So my advice to you is DONT check her facebook, carry on with NC and soon enough you will be indifferent too. Oh and chitown, I hope you didn't save my pictures I posted, i don't want you getting too excited This is my 2 'pennys' worth anyway, hope it helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 I always thought that if I saw any evidence that would kill off hope then id move one quicker/easier, but it doesn't, seeing your ex happy will not change your hope, it will only hurt you. So my advice to you is DONT check her facebook, carry on with NC and soon enough you will be indifferent too. As I gathered... Just wanted some more input as I am all over the board and I don't trust my own thoughts too much at this point... Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 Ya know, sometimes ya gotta do what you've been dwelling about doing. End of story. Sounds like you've been thinking of looking for awhile. Consider best case, worst case, and make your decision prepared for either extreme or anything in between. Just be sure you have a bottle of vodka ready for the following 24 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 Ya know, sometimes ya gotta do what you've been dwelling about doing. End of story. Sounds like you've been thinking of looking for awhile. Consider best case, worst case, and make your decision prepared for either extreme or anything in between. Just be sure you have a bottle of vodka ready for the following 24 hours. Actually, not been thinking about it too long at all. Just came across some others threads that mentioned it and THEN started thinking about it. But have always thought it wouldn't be a good idea. Just thought it might be a necessary part of the process, but now I do not... Not going to do it, because I know it would do nothing but whack me in the gut, with no positives... Stay the course. On to day 87 NC And I keep telling you. No vodka... Makers (went through a bottle last weekend ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) Sometimes I really need to listen to my own advice hahahaha. So this thread got me thinking, I wonder how my exs are doing so I decided to sniff around and basically ignore my own advice. They all doing great! Girl I was with for 8 years is recently married with a kid. A kid! Still blocked with one ex. Unblocked by another ex which was a surprise. Two other exs look really happy. One married again with a baby boy, the other looking very impressive. Two things ive learnt. Man I have a lot of exs and secondly they all seem to flourish after dating me. Coincidence? Haha... I guess sometimes we are curious about how our exs are doing as katzee said. But for sure checking Facebook when emotional is a nono. I think mbt it would be very empowering for you if you can resist the urge to check. To me it was fine. No emotions, just want them to be happy, although I think I will block the two that for various reasons, I don't particulary like :-). Edited June 10, 2013 by Mack05 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Many of you know my feelings on FB and checking up on the ex. I think it is a terrible idea and self-inflicted torture. But, is there any benefit to looking at the ex's FB once just to kill hope? I noticed many people talking about being able to move on only when there is no hope. I really do NOT want to do this and pray continued NC will work instead. I'm currently at 88 days and still hurting. Still up and down. Not able to move on yet. Do I need to see that pic? That status update? Is this really necessary with where I am at in my recovery? I really do not want to do this. I really don't... Just feel like it would set me back, stir up emotions and generally make me feel like total schyte. Does this mean I still have hope? I am pretty sure she is with someone else, or will be soon enough. I don't think I am holding on to hope. Not only do I don't think she would ever come back, I really don't want her to. But who knows what's really going on deep in the old noggin? no. you're never ever ever ever going to see anything on your ex's facebook that is going to help you in any productive way. i repeat, never ever ever going to see anything productive to help you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 Its unanimous... Don't check FB!!! Which, is what I was already thinking and hoping I would hear back from all of you... Yeah, I don't see any good in it, but lot's of bad, bad, bad... Again, thanks LS community. Continued NC for me 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EmptyWalls Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I'm not going to tell you what to do because only you know if your strong enough to do it. I haven't seen my ex in 3 months and have had LC (nothing personal). I was at a point where I was starting to feel pretty good. I knew she was seeing the guy she broke our 7rs off for. I logged into facebook one day to see she unblocked me.... why now? I clicked on her page knowing what I was going to find and found worse. She met him online and recently drove states away to meet this guy. This is the first time they have met and she posted picture of them together and one of them brushing their teeth together side by side. Seemed to no even phase me I said "oh good for her". I was coming home from work later that day and BOOM. It just popped in there I mean for real? you just met the guy!?!? we went together a year before becoming intimate. I haven't been able to get it out of my mind dude. My hope is still there its not even weaker than what it was. Still love her, still miss her, still hoping she will come back. UGH!!! I shouldn't of done it, freaking knew it....... oh well my account is closed now anyways . Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Well....After all these replies, I am starting to feel like the drunk guy at the AA meeting. I guess all I wanted to do is share the fact that seeing her happy and with someone else killed all hope and allowed me to close the book on that chapter in my life. It honestly saved me from a time that I will never forget and never want to experience again.. Thought perhaps someone else might benefit from the same type of closure..Im sorry.. Hope all get over their ex's soon and start to live a true and fulfilling life. Its too short as it is to be wallowing in the crap. If NC is the only way, then stick to it and get healed ASAP. TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mtnbiker3000 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 EW - All I can say is OUCH!!! I don't want none of that action... No thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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