I promise you it does get better - 1 year on

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi guys,

 

I haven't been on this forum in about a year now but I wanted to attempt to give something back as this site was incredibly supportive during the darkest hours of my breakup from hell. I'm writing in large part because I remember how desperate I was for someone, anyone to give me some words of comfort and to let me know that even though I refused to believe, things would somehow get better.

 

It's hard for me to quite articulate just how debilitating my breakup with my fiancee was, only a year ago now. I found out the man I loved and thought the world of was sleeping with someone else 2 weeks after dumping me and then when I thought I couldn't sink deeper, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I had nowhere to turn, was attempting to prop up my sick parent (I'm quite young myself, in my mid 20s) and was dealing with the most uncontrollable and all consuming sense of grief I could bear. I honestly didn't think it was possible to feel worse - the panic attacks, constant anxiety, lump in my stomach, insomnia (and conversely desperation to sink in to sleep so as not to experience the hurt for a few hours a day). I struggled with basic tasks, couldn't make it through an hour without sobbing, and would talk to anyone who would listen, desperate for the perfect combination of words to make the hurt and loss and sense of complete vulnerability abate, if only for a few brief minutes. Even writing this now, it hurts to think just how devastated I was. How the cliched "time will heal this" seemed like a mantra for other people - people who didn't have the profound type of relationship I had, who didn't feel the extent of emotions I did. In short, if you can't tell, I was an utter mess - not eating or sleeping, alienating myself, and crying all the time.

 

I thought I was above that. I consider myself a keen observer, am usually pretty pragmatic, and usually give my friends support when they go through their own life dramas. But the problem is, no matter how cocky you are about your own emotional resolve, when it happens to you your entire world is shattered.

 

I imagine some of you visiting this site can identify with the emotions I described. And like me, you visited this site, did countless google searches, and wrote countless letters to yourself in the anxiety fuelled search for consolation and answers.

 

Look, I will be 100% with you. This hurts like hell and might for a while longer. And you'll mistrust people, hide away, pine and associate everything with your ex, whether it's a tv commercial or a food or a part of the city in which you live, there is no escaping them. But after awhile the stinging pain turns to a dull ache and after that to numbness. It's not going to be miraciously cured over night but I'm sure that for a lot of you, you've been emotionally tested before. Believe me, you have made it this far, have come this far in life, and this is something you have every capability to get through. No one could be less believing of this a year ago. But I somehow find myself a year later with a mom who's better and a wonderful and supportive relationship of 4 months that makes me realize that I was allowing myself to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

Here's the thing, if it's the right relationship - the person who you can lead a long and happy life with and grow old with, this type of turbulence doesn't happen. It just doesn't. You will of course have arguments, disagreements, etc with the right partner. The difference is both of you (not just ONE of you) will always come together to fight for it. If you don't then its flawed from the beginning. I couldn't be convinced of this initially. But could I really have married someone who could behave like he did? Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who (either mercilessly or kindly) broke your heart?

 

I'm not going to tell you to "find new hobbies, meet new people, etc". That's something you can't even conceive of if you felt anything close to what I felt. But what you can do is hold on to the hope, however small, that 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from now, it doesn't matter, you will turn around and see your emotions without actually feeling them. You'll be proud that no matter how low you sunk, you came out the other end. You might be jaded or paranoid. That's ok. I promise you that the right person will eventually break down those barriers. And I promise at that point you'll recognize this heartbreak as the necessary step you had to go through in order to actually protect yourself and chose a life that will be stable and happy. It's the least you deserve and have a right to demand.

 

I'm happy to be here to offer my support in the same way others have done for me. I really want to thank the loveshack community for getting me through this. I know this has got to be tough but please know, whether you believe it or not right now, you will eventually be standing on the other side of this heart break and be happy again. xxxxx