amazing kind of fate ... or not?

[woinlove]

Oh well...I didn't mean to lead everyone down a winding path to no where and just ramble on and on about my life "woes" and how wonderful I think this OW is.....

 

that's why I had thought about calling a professional. I was actually looking at listings this morning. I don't know what do....I don't feel as if my issues are "easily fixed" maybe I am wrong there.

 

How do I fix my feeling that I feel taken advantage of? I know it sounds stupid and childish (i.e. referring to my comments about clothes/dishes). But I feel like I have provided this lifestyle for my family, that is pretty limitless for all practical purposes, and then I feel taken advantage of. Its even extends to her parents.

 

So I am finding appreciation in this OW....that's bad. I know.

 

Sorry if I am frustrating people. I appreciate the replies

 

I've been married for over 25 years and for me the greater pleasure comes from giving, giving to my spouse and our children. It's all within yourself and what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the person with the scorecard, who feels sorry for himself and feels he should be getting more from others? Do you want to be the kind of person who makes his wife believe they still have an exclusive relationship, while he secretly plans rendezvous with his AP? Or do you want to the person who takes pleasure from giving to his family, bringing more joy into their lives, and who knows his family can trust him? It is all up to you and within your control. Decide what kind of person you want to be, then align your actions to become more like that kind of person.

[Owl]

That's what i was wondering....i hate the idea that because of just peeking into Pandora's box here...i have destroyed the ability to have any kind of relationship with this woman. friend or not...i am not sure i can accept that right now.

 

Accept it or not...that's the outcome you're facing.

 

hahahah - now that is funny, made me laugh. I really am a man, i not pulling peoples legs here. I am very much a type-A person, run my own business for last 15 years, and am a licensed race car driver (not professional racing). you cracked me up with that

 

Go back and re-read your posts on this thread (and others) keeping that thought of a "type-A personality" in mind.

 

Seriously...it does not show up at all in your posts. I don't see it AT ALL.

 

There's nothing but passiveness. Whineyness. Lots of "oh me, oh my".

 

No decision making. No ownership. No responsibility. No taking action.

 

Not one shred of "type A personality" traits throughout any of this.

 

Perhaps you need to consider what kind of person you're becoming as a result of these choices?

 

A race car driver is required to be capable of making split-second, life critical decisions.

 

You've hemmed and hawwed on this for months with no change.

 

Non-sequiter

[srf9]

Hmmmm...well...i was trying to get opinions. I didn't say I was rash and impulsive....trying to get others inputs.

 

If I look at this objectively, i should end this now with the OW and probably take a break from my marriage for a little bit.

 

She isnt' going to leave her family (yet). I am not leaving mine (yet - maybe never?). She is ~15 years older than me which is no problem right now...but when she is 80 and i am 65? that seems dicey.....

 

And then the consensus here is that we are going to get caught, we have ruined any chance of actual friendship, and that any continued contact is just going to destroy her life and mine.

 

i don't like any of these answers.....totally sucks!

but...just because i don't like the answers...doesn't mean that they are wrong answers....

 

 

Accept it or not...that's the outcome you're facing.

 

 

 

Go back and re-read your posts on this thread (and others) keeping that thought of a "type-A personality" in mind.

 

Seriously...it does not show up at all in your posts. I don't see it AT ALL.

 

There's nothing but passiveness. Whineyness. Lots of "oh me, oh my".

 

No decision making. No ownership. No responsibility. No taking action.

 

Not one shred of "type A personality" traits throughout any of this.

 

Perhaps you need to consider what kind of person you're becoming as a result of these choices?

 

A race car driver is required to be capable of making split-second, life critical decisions.

 

You've hemmed and hawwed on this for months with no change.

 

Non-sequiter

[ladydesigner]

clearly i am no peach. if nothing else...this thread proves that i obviously have several serious short comings as person which may have only started to come to the surface over the last few years.....

 

 

At least you've got the above right. A WS that cheats most certainly has serious short comings if not personality disordered. That is IMO of course.

[ladydesigner]

that being said....one of the biggest changes i have found in myself over the last 5-8 years is wanting that feeling that someone else had adoration for me. i haven't gotten that from my wife in a long time...many things feel routine with her.

 

Then let your wife know!!! Have you heard of The Five Love Languages? You can take a test online to find out which acts of service you are. You are probably a words of affirmation type of guy, so is my WH. My WH had his A because he was not being adored that way HE needed. It's not an excuse to have an A though. The validation for yourself comes from within yourself not from someone else.

 

The Five Love Languages is a great book. My WH and I both have been utilizing our love languages and it seems to be helping our M.

[srf9]

Then let your wife know!!! Have you heard of The Five Love Languages? You can take a test online to find out which acts of service you are. You are probably a words of affirmation type of guy, so is my WH. My WH had his A because he was not being adored that way HE needed. It's not an excuse to have an A though. The validation for yourself comes from within yourself not from someone else.

 

The Five Love Languages is a great book. My WH and I both have been utilizing our love languages and it seems to be helping our M.

 

 

thanks...yes...read the book about 8 months ago.

[Owl]

Hmmmm...well...i was trying to get opinions. I didn't say I was rash and impulsive....trying to get others inputs.

 

If I look at this objectively, i should end this now with the OW and probably take a break from my marriage for a little bit.

 

You have options here. You can work to build/repair either relationship...but...you need to recognize that building/investing in either relationship means letting go of the other completely, forever.

 

So from that viewpoint, you can either choose your wife, your 'friend', or neither. But not both.

 

 

She isnt' going to leave her family (yet). I am not leaving mine (yet - maybe never?). She is ~15 years older than me which is no problem right now...but when she is 80 and i am 65? that seems dicey.....

 

And then the consensus here is that we are going to get caught, we have ruined any chance of actual friendship, and that any continued contact is just going to destroy her life and mine.

 

i don't like any of these answers.....totally sucks!

but...just because i don't like the answers...doesn't mean that they are wrong answers....

 

The one other thing I'd recommend for you is to stop minimizing your actions to this point. You've been meeting up with and kissing this other woman.

 

That's not "glimpsing in Pandora's box". If you truly think that's all it is...then try explaining that to your wife. Think she'd share your viewpoint on that? Odds are low, IMHO.

 

So...you need to choose your goal. Marriage, relationship with OW, or neither.

 

Then you need to figure out what you need to do to reach that goal. Develop a plan of action around that goal...and then implement your plan.

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage...you need to figure out what's wrong with it, and take active measures to make changes to fix it. And...you need to end your relationship with the OW.

 

If you want to be with your OW...then you need to end your marriage and take action to focus on your relationship with her.

 

If you want to spend time on your own...you need to let both women know of your choice, and make that happen.

 

So what's it going to be?

[srf9]

Why don't you look up the article called, Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse.

 

Read the entire article and then decide if that is something you would like your wife to go through. Do you have children? Look up some articles on how affairs affect children and see if that is what you would wish for them to experience.

 

 

 

 

good grief...no...i do not want to hurt my kids.

i don't want to hurt my wife either.....regardless of whatever i feel or do not feel towards her. i don't think i could walk through that entire 'support' role with her though as they outline in section 2.

[srf9]

before this OW came into the picture.....i had been exploring divorce. not for immediate action. i don't want my kids growing up in a split home....i did start to write down a few months ago...an exit strategy. what would need to occur...talked to friend of mine who is a lawyer (under the ruse of asking questions for another friend).

 

bottom line...i think i have been falling out of love with my wife. that has opened the door to exploring others. things are too routine, i feel she should appreciate things more, and i'm tired of putting in what i consider effort in various aspects of our life. so looks like i am stuck for a while due to kids.

 

the OW's birthday is tomorrow. was going to message her. was planning to see her this Friday. My wife and kids are leaving town for wed-sun....for a horse show.

 

i should find someplace to go racing and be away from everyone

 

 

You have options here. You can work to build/repair either relationship...but...you need to recognize that building/investing in either relationship means letting go of the other completely, forever.

 

So from that viewpoint, you can either choose your wife, your 'friend', or neither. But not both.

 

 

 

 

The one other thing I'd recommend for you is to stop minimizing your actions to this point. You've been meeting up with and kissing this other woman.

 

That's not "glimpsing in Pandora's box". If you truly think that's all it is...then try explaining that to your wife. Think she'd share your viewpoint on that? Odds are low, IMHO.

 

So...you need to choose your goal. Marriage, relationship with OW, or neither.

 

Then you need to figure out what you need to do to reach that goal. Develop a plan of action around that goal...and then implement your plan.

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage...you need to figure out what's wrong with it, and take active measures to make changes to fix it. And...you need to end your relationship with the OW.

 

If you want to be with your OW...then you need to end your marriage and take action to focus on your relationship with her.

 

If you want to spend time on your own...you need to let both women know of your choice, and make that happen.

 

So what's it going to be?

[Owl]

Something to consider...the more you invest in your ow emotionally...the more emotionally distant you're going to feel from your wife.

 

Stop investing in the OW, start putting some effort into the marriage, and it's POSSIBLE that you'll find yourself more emotionally attached to your wife.

 

It's a pretty common event when it comes to affairs/infidelity.

 

Growing up in a 'split' home can be less troubling to kids than growing up in a loveless one.

 

I'd say that you teach your kids how to have relationships. If you and your wife are just 'going through the motions'...that's what you're teaching your kids to do.

 

Either fix that dynamic, or end the relationship. Show your kids THAT dynamic, so that they use those tools in their own relationships later.

 

I'm curious...have you put any effort into fixing things between you and your wife yet? Tried marriage counseling? Discussed how "mundane' things have become, and have you made it clear to her that things are bad enough that you're considering divorce?

 

IF you have any interest in remaining married for any reason, I'd suggest that route first. If you can't/won't do that...then divorce and seperate. Staying if you're not happy is the worst thing you can do, IMHO.

[srf9]

I talked to my wife about 3 months ago. I really do not want any conflict in my house. I grew up in a highly volatile home, don't want that in my house. I feel like I'd be more apt to just leave one day....that's not fair to her though....no chance to make changes?

 

So I did talk to her....and things have gotten a little better. I did not say i was considering a divorce from any viewpoint...i am looking forward to being away from her though this week. They have several away horse shows...I have actually encouraged them to do more (the kids love it!) and gets them all out of the house.....expensive way for me to get free time!!

 

Something to consider...the more you invest in your ow emotionally...the more emotionally distant you're going to feel from your wife.

 

Stop investing in the OW, start putting some effort into the marriage, and it's POSSIBLE that you'll find yourself more emotionally attached to your wife.

 

It's a pretty common event when it comes to affairs/infidelity.

 

Growing up in a 'split' home can be less troubling to kids than growing up in a loveless one.

 

I'd say that you teach your kids how to have relationships. If you and your wife are just 'going through the motions'...that's what you're teaching your kids to do.

 

Either fix that dynamic, or end the relationship. Show your kids THAT dynamic, so that they use those tools in their own relationships later.

 

I'm curious...have you put any effort into fixing things between you and your wife yet? Tried marriage counseling? Discussed how "mundane' things have become, and have you made it clear to her that things are bad enough that you're considering divorce?

 

IF you have any interest in remaining married for any reason, I'd suggest that route first. If you can't/won't do that...then divorce and seperate. Staying if you're not happy is the worst thing you can do, IMHO.

[srf9]

so....thanks for all the replies here. i appreciate it.

[Owl]

I talked to my wife about 3 months ago. I really do not want any conflict in my house. I grew up in a highly volatile home, don't want that in my house. I feel like I'd be more apt to just leave one day....that's not fair to her though....no chance to make changes?

 

So I did talk to her....and things have gotten a little better. I did not say i was considering a divorce from any viewpoint...i am looking forward to being away from her though this week. They have several away horse shows...I have actually encouraged them to do more (the kids love it!) and gets them all out of the house.....expensive way for me to get free time!!

 

Nothing wrong with it...unless you're using that free-time to do things with OW that you know your wife and family would be devestated to learn about.

 

And there's no need for 'conflict' in order to improve your marriage. Point blank sit down and think about what needs to improve...make a list. Tell your wife that you're unhappy and want to work on things together...and either ask her to make a list of things she'd like to have improved from your side, and work together to implement both lists. If you don't think that'll work...then INSIST on marriage counseling as a method to implement those changes.

 

But there's no excuse for silently sitting there in an unhappy situation if you've taken no major steps to rectify or improve it. And that CERTAINLY does not justify your actions with the OW.

 

At this point...I'm hearing you want your marriage.

 

So...you need to END any inapproprate contact...of any kind...with the OW. Point blank, clearly and concisely.

 

If you can't do that...then frankly your marriage IS doomed to end in conflict.

[ComingInHot]

I'm sure your daughter will be SO proud of her Daddy when she learns the truthof you "sharing" yourself w/her mother and some OW for "years" because you "loved" her enough to live a lie your whole life...

I'm out of this thread. It's causing anger...

[William]

Thread closed for member and topic review by moderation. Should be back in a day or so if everything checks out OK.