We always had so much to say

[dyermaker]

Her concern:

But I was just wondering, why we don't talk how we used to.

We always had so much to say

 

Is there any way to fix that?

 

How do I go about handling that?

 

I had to leave, we couldn't finish. What should I say when we talk about it again?

[Anais]

Originally posted by dyermaker

What should I say when we talk about it again?

 

The truth. What do you think why are things changed?

[dyermaker]

I've got no idea.

 

We've got less to say because there's less to learn. We've got less time too. How does one fix this?

[Anais]

Ask her if she got the answer as you have no idea. Sometimes people ask for being asked back.

 

Being honest and trying to find time is a way to fixing it.

[bluetuesday]

hey dyer

 

there are ways to fix this. sure you don't talk in the same way as you used to because she knows all your stories and you know all her stories, but this is a good opportunity to make stuff interesting and much more emotionally resonant.

 

months down the line it can seem like you've said all there is to say but the nature of how you talk, the quality of what you say, given your depth of understanding about each other's characters, should generally improve.

 

i talk less and say more now. sure i kinda miss all those staying up til 3am yacking about 'what my 3rd grade teacher (actually i never had a third grade teacher but you may not understand the brit equivalent) did to me' but exchanging information with someone is only a small part of communicating. understanding, common experience, a shared outlook is much more important and ultimately fulfilling.

 

the good stuff is in not always having to explain your history and your references and going deeper into, i dunno, your philosophies, your unique view of the world, what's most important to you.

 

on the surface the solution could be to get a whole bunch of new hobbies so you have lots to speak about that she won't have heard before but my guess is that you're not a guy with little to say for himself so the 'problem' is more likely to be that she's just getting comfortable and pining for those heady early days when everything she said would have you hooked.

 

it doesn't mean she's bored or unhappy, all relationships go this way. just be honest with her. tell her she's still fascinating to you, i guarantee she'll want to hear that and will put her mind at rest - which may be what she's been after all along.

[dyermaker]

Thanks a ton for your reply.

 

That's been my strategy.

 

I've been telling her that just hearing how her day went is thrilling. It's getting to the point where I don't even think she believes me anymore.

 

After she said the above, I asked her; "Is it worse?"

 

Her: : i'm having trouble figuring out what it *is*

me: the lack of newness?

Her: not so much as the what are we doingness

me: I'm sorry, if I could stay I would. we'll talk about this later i promise.

Her: I Love you.

me: me too.

[bluetuesday]

i take it from the category you put this thread in dyer and the way you described your conversation that you're talking to this girl long distance and online? sorry, that's probably old ground and maybe others here know more of your backstory than i do.

 

but being misconstrued online is a nightmare. and being non-specifically criticized, which is what i think you're feeling, is the worst kind of criticism.

 

"you're really pissing me off". i get that said to me by one guy in particular. come on, throw me a bone. tell me specifically what i'm doing that annoys you and we'll work it through. being told 'it's just not the same' is unfair to you, it gives you nothing to work with.

 

i suspect that either she's feeling she has nothing new to tell you and is getting in first by bringing it up or she feels that the excitement isn't what it used to be. both of these are perfectly understandable and don't mean it's all going wrong between you.

 

ok, so if you think she doesn't believe you anymore when you say the little things are still thrilling to you, show her that it's true. remember something insignificant that she nonetheless thought was important enough to tell you and refer back to it weeks later. she'll pick up on that and it'll reassure her as no amount of pleading can that you mean what you say.

 

i think the 'what are we doingness' comment means, in girlspeak 'where is this relationship going?'. maybe she thinks you've stalled as a couple and have got into the routine of doing the same things and talking about the same things and, to her credit, she's worrying and trying to address it. she is giving you the opportunity to do something about it because she wants it to work out. and she says she loves you which is as good a start as you're going to get.

 

but, without knowing your practical circumstances, it may not in fact be possible to 'progress' this relationship on anything other than an emotional level for the time being. relationships thrive when we cherish the other person, sure, but very few people want their partnership to be boringly predictable. an element of excitement and unpredictability is vital to keep it going. and that's pretty hard to pull off long distance.

 

but you can send her surprise flowers for no reason, make plans for your next meeting and tell her about them, seek out peculiar stuff she's into on ebay and get it sent to her, email her digi pics of you in women's clothes (or whatever), get her favourite song requested on the radio station she listens to. anything it takes to show her she's in your mind and in your heart and that you're worth clinging onto.

 

and dyer, if she lets a guy like you go after all that, she never deserved anyone so special.

[immoralist]

Some relationships, when on the decline, run out of conversation.The words exchanged are fewer and those uttered feel different. Passionate conversation is one hallmark of a growing passionate relationship.

 

When the conversation runs dry that often means the relationship is approaching its end stage and has simply run out of gas.

 

That might be happening in your case, dyer.

[Nosmas]

Whenever this concern about communication arises it should be met with the phrase:

 

"Bring me another beer, woman...and do not tarry!"

 

I've found this greatly diminishes the need for females to question me about their lack of opportunity to communicate.

[moimeme]

It's true that once you've told each other your stories, and once you've discussed a lot about what you think about life, you start running out of new material about each other. However life presents plenty of new opportunities for discussion. You can share your perspectives on everything from the day's events at school or the events in the news. You can talk about things you've read or want to read or movies you've seen or want to see.

 

You can't expect the thrill of new discovery to go on forever and if you absolutely always have to have the thrill of novelty, look for it in other ways. You ought not put that burden on the person you claim to love. It's to you to find life interesting, not to your partner to make life interesting for you. But I don't exactly know how a person could say that to their SO.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, dyer

 

I maybe wrong here, but this "no news" thing may have to do with how you've started out. You seem to me like a quite out of the ordinary guy. So there was this energy created, this enthusiasm of her discovering you and you getting to know her, the excitement of each beginning. Of course she must have liked that, most people do, but this state cannot go on forever.

 

I mean in the end, you are human, you go to sleep every night, go to school every day, you do normal things also. It's not only the emotion and the thrill of discovering your passions and pov on life, it's about her liking you, as a normal person, with a normal life, with annoying customs and bad sense of humour in the morning, etc

 

It's so easy to expect the other person to keep amazing you, keep thrilling you, but in real life, it simply doesn't go this way. She must like the usual days too, when you don't have so many news, when she does not see that many sparks and hearts.

 

 

 

It is a turning point, I know that. But you do not have to worry. It's her test and she must go through with it. You can support her and be near her, but in the end, dyer, love ain't so much about talking and giving and receiving, but about silence and sharing. It is the point when she is accepting you, as you are. With your good days and bad days. Sometimes there aren't that many things to say. I have no idea how things work in a LDR, but spending time together does wonders. And try to prefer telephone calls to msn or IM. I think I was no the verge of breaking up with my bf like twice in 2 months, when I went home. Lots of misunderstandings.

 

Don't worry, it's not a crisis, it is normal.

[dyermaker]

What points should be discussed in our impending conversational breakdown of this issue?

 

I want to come prepared.

[CurlyIam]

I think this in not an issue, but a stage of your relationship. LDR are difficult, you nee time, patience and lots of understanding to make it work.

 

Ask her what she feels it's not there. Don't cut her off and let her speak. Make her speak. Girls are emotional, they feel things a whole lot more and a in a different way. Be understanding and empathic. Try not to rationalise everything.

 

Let her talk. I think that she needs to realise some things about the 2 of you and that's the only way to do it. Ask her what she feels is missing. What her expectations are of you and of this relationship. MAke her open up. And do this over the phone!

[bluetuesday]

i agree with curly.

 

she's going to be feeling the situation is weird rather than knowing rationally exactly why. too much digging and trying to pin her down and going through a list of questions when she genuinely probably doesn't know the answers will cause her to feel like she's being interrogated. i don't mean to imply you won't be sensitive, i'm sure you will be dyer, but it's space and thinking time she needs i'd guess.

 

just tell her you understand, that you want to work through it, that you're there for her and she doesn't need to give you an answer right away. tell her to think about it and come back to you when she's ready.

 

next time you talk try and encourage her to open up by being the first one to say something you wish was different or is missing about the situation - as long as you don't make it accusatory you'll be fine.

 

but you must tell her what you want and need too. and it would appear that if this isn't just a case of her being nervous YOU'RE the one getting bored, the situation is not working for her as well as it could and you saying everything is fine and you want to carry on just as you are is not going to help her.

 

and definitely DON'T have the conversation online.

 

we're with you man.

[meanon]

But I was just wondering, why we don't talk how we used to.

We always had so much to say

Her: : i'm having trouble figuring out what it *is*

not so much (lack of newness) as the what are we doingness

It's hard to guess someone else's state of mind and she is unsure herself. I think it sounds like she is concerned about where the relationship is going, what may happen or not happen next. It may be that she's worried unnecessarily about what the changes in the relationship signify or it may be that there are things in the here and now that give her cause for concern about the direction it's taking.

 

Whilst I agree you should avoid an interrogation, I think you should continue to try and help her establish what her concerns are. It was her that raised them after all, she wouldn't have done that if she didn't want to talk about it. I'd ask her: What does she think you are both doing? How does it make her feel? What does she think may happen or not happen? How does she feel about your future together? You'll get to what the problem is by talking about her feelings a little more. I'd be wary about jumping too soon to a conclusion before you've done this.

[dyermaker]

Thanks much; we'll be okay.

[ladyangel]

Do you see this person IRL or just an online relationship?

[bluetuesday]

on this one yet dyer?

 

you've spoken to her right? how did we do?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by ladyangel

Do you see this person IRL or just an online relationship?

It's the same person.

 

Sorry for my nonspecifics, I'm just not as comfortable getting advice publically as I am giving it. I guess that's normal.

 

The solution to the problem wasn't neccesarily a renewal of giddy conversation, as much as a celebration of knowing silence. If that makes any sense.

[faux]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Is there any way to fix that?

 

How do I go about handling that?

 

I had to leave, we couldn't finish. What should I say when we talk about it again?

 

I am in a similar situation, only I am the one asking why my girlfriend and I do not talk as we used to. I feel that I am the one who always comes up with things to say, or questions to ask. Seeing that she lives in Philadelphia while she is attending school, most of our dialogue occurs over the telephone, which makes things a bit difficult at times.

 

I honestly would wing it when you talk to this girl again. I am certain you will think of proper questions to ask, and be able to have a discussion with her over what you two think would be best to do. I have faith that you will be able to handle the situation when you dive into it. I always wing it, and things with my girlfriend are still going quite well.

[neworleansflava]

As a person in this situation, I know that I have the problem of saying things without really saying them because I am afraid that the person I am involved with doesn't feel the same way I do and I don't want to feel like a fool for revealing my true feelings.

 

In my case, I think I'm ready for our relationship to go to the next level. I don't think that he is and nothing that he says/doesn't say assures me that he and I are on the same page. I'm scared to get confrimation that he isn't feeling "the same" as I do. Not that any two people could ever feel EXACTLY the same at precisely the same time, but a girl could hope.

 

When our conversation started to die, I tried conversation starters. We talk about whatever the topic de jour is and then it dies. We have, however, been successful at watching a 30 minute television program together while wasting cellphone minutes. Then we have that to discuss.

 

I agree with the suggestions of new hobbies and think that I will try that myself b/c I know that since he moved away I've been at a loss for what I was supposed to do with all this time. I know that I have advised others to get a life of their own to maintain their happiness so that what made the other person fall in love with you won't fail.

 

Sorry for introducing my crap, but what I really wanted to say is that you should explore what it is that she's really trying to say with all of her ambiguiuty. There may be something she's feeling that she isn't comfortable saying for some reason. Good luck.

[moimeme]

as much as a celebration of knowing silence