swalsh19 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I'm not ready to goto my family and or friends for this just yet as I think this maybe will give me an unbiased opinion which doing some looking online is a good thing. Here's the back story. I've been dating this girl for a year and a month ago we got engaged. All seemed like happy times. I did notice prior and now I'm kicking myself abit for not listening to my gut that she was abit secretive when it came to her phone. Her friends don't live anywhere close by so she is constantly texting them, and calling with them. I saw a text a few months back from a person I did not know and asked her then and she told me it was a friend from BC. The # checked out as being someone from BC so I didn't act upon it anymore. Something just didn't seem right and this weekend I saw a text from that same person and there were sexual remarks around it. Something a friend wouldn't be saying. Something just didn't seem right and when I asked her about it she changed the tune as to who it was and she said it was her ex. She has told me that she will stop talking to him effective immediately. Now what I have found out in the meantime however is more disturbing. I remembered I have her iphone backed up and I contemplated going to this place or not and to look into the backup as it was a huge trust issue I'm overstepping. I went with my gut and retrieved messages from the backup and what I have found is that she has been talking for at least 3mths to a WOMAN not a man and in the conversation she is saying she is not heterosexual and such. I mean I'm in absolute shock and disarray. I love this girl with all my heart. I saw that she has been planning a rendezvous with this mystery woman in 2wks in Montreal. She has told me she is seeing a friend for the trip but it appears this has been being planned for a month. Unfortunately I don't have a backup from before May 1, so I don't know whats gone on since then but I do know I saw a couple items on the weekend and it was disturbing to say the least. I really love this girl so I'm wondering if I should just present the facts I have to her and ask her to choose this girl or me? I'm thinking of asking her to choose me or the Montreal trip as that will be the tell tale. If she does choose me which I'm not sure she will, I know I have to set some ground rules to repair the trust. I never thought I'd be in this place, being cheated on is one thing to find out that your fiancee maybe really is not into you at all is totally devastating. Link to post Share on other sites
InsaneTrombone Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 I think if you mention you invaded her privacy, nothing good is going to come from that, so if you plan on taking that course of action, be fully prepared for her to leave. If you're just looking for closure, go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author swalsh19 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 I want to try and make this work but I don't see any other way other then what I have. I have to act fast as I don't want her to go on this trip to Montral in 2wks to see this mystery woman. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 why would you want to try and make this work with someone who lies, cheats and does not know if they are hetro? no reason to put all your cards on the table about how you know. she was not open with you, no reason to be open with her. just tell her you know about it and end the relationship for your own good. this woman is not ready for a committed relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author swalsh19 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Share Posted June 11, 2013 That sounds easy enough but I love this girl, and I want to try and give her a chance. I'm willing to forgive if she is honest with me. I'm going to confront her about the hetero comments I saw and just it on the table. Its this other girl or me. Its her choice, and then go from there. She's told me she has stopped talking to her but I don't know for sure yet. I'm concerned now about the hetero comment and need that answered as that's a deal breaker for sure. I know she loves me and so does her family so I'm just stunned by all this. I'm not sure if its her actually or just looking for attention. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 sounds like she needs space to find out who she is, but that is not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
chucksagent Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 You should NEVER invade your SI's privacy!!! Only the government has the right to do that!!! Liberals....lol...I will never get them! Listen to me...you had a gut instinct, you trusted it, you snooped (everyone has done it, don't listen to these self righteous people on here), and YOU WERE RIGHT. Sorry man, I know how bad this must hurt. I would walk away. Easier said than done, but it's the correct advice. Sorry again bro, and you didn't do anything wrong - I just couldn't resist the government/liberal joke. Lol. Good luck no matter what you decide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 That sounds easy enough but I love this girl, and I want to try and give her a chance. I'm willing to forgive if she is honest with me. I'm going to confront her about the hetero comments I saw and just it on the table. Its this other girl or me. Its her choice, and then go from there. She's told me she has stopped talking to her but I don't know for sure yet. I'm concerned now about the hetero comment and need that answered as that's a deal breaker for sure. I know she loves me and so does her family so I'm just stunned by all this. I'm not sure if its her actually or just looking for attention. Yeah, we all know it's hard to do the right thing in this situation. But you came here for advice from people who have been there so do yourself a favor and at least consider what people are saying. And if she really is "just looking for attention" - how are you going to keep her amused and interested for the rest of your life? She has a female ex and she kept it from you. She's planning to cheat with this girl and you caught her. Break it off with her ASAP and get on with your life! Why put yourself through all of this drama and pain when you aren't married? You would give this same advice to your best friend if he was in this same situation so follow what would be your own advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyInsomniac Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 The fact that she's planning to go to Montreal, explicitly, to have sex with this woman behind your back, says a lot about how much she respects this relationship. It's... sinister. There's no other word that seems to fit the calculated treachery that's taking place here. I'm sorry she's putting you through this. You seem like someone who has their head on straight and heart in the right place - and right now, she's exploiting that. However this goes, I hope it works out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 swalsh19, the first thing you need to confirm is, who are you engaged to? Will she be someone that's going to sneak off to have affairs with woman throughout your marriage? You need to know what to expect from her before you take the plunge. You may want to consider a postnuptial agreement with terms that cover infidelity if you decide to stay with her. The other thing you need to understand is she already has secrets from you and she's already cheating(at least an emotional affair). Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your past. I think your going to be sharing her with others, I don't think she see's marriage the same way as you. If your OK with that, continue, otherwise make the necessary changes. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 11, 2013 Share Posted June 11, 2013 Can we just get this hetero thing out of the way? The gender attraction is completely immaterial. Cheating, is cheating, is cheating. Lying, is lying, is lying. She could be having an affair with a man or a woman - the fact is - it's still cheating. The gender issue has a habit of clouding the issue. We have had threads before from women/men asking whether, because they're bisexual (or their partner is) if there is a liaison with the same-gender partner, if it can actually be called cheating... surely, it's just them needing to nurture the other side of their sexuality? Nope. It's cheating. Don't let the fact that it's a woman make this any more complicated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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