I'm lost....

[Hngr9]

Hello all. Ill start out by saying I'm a 47yo man who's been married for 24 years and I'm lost to say the least.

 

About 5 years ago, I realized that I've never experienced love. I don't know what it's like nor do I think I've ever felt it. My wife of 24 years has been non effectionate to say the least. I've always felt I was the less dominant one in the relationship. I've always considered my marraige to be normal. Until I started realizing that what I have isn't a marraige. I'm a caregiver. I've always been the one to work. She never has. I've always paid the bills and asked her to work, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. At times, I've worked 2 jobs to stay ahead. She's put me in bankruptcy twice.

 

The mental abuse has been all I've known. She's always belittled me to the point that I'm so unsure of myself I won't take promotions at my job and I can't tell her how I feel to say the least. I don't know why I'm so scared of her. Even my own daughter tells me she doesn't know how I've lasted this long. She thought I would leave when she turned 18. I just can't find it on myself to hurt anyone. For some reason in my heart I don't think she wil be okay. I can't look at her the same anymore. I can't bring myself to touch her sexually or anything like that. She thinks I'm cheating. I'm not.

 

I've even gone as far as going to marraige counseling with her. All I do is break down everytime we go because I want to let go so bad but I can't.

 

I know I sound like I'm less of a man. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I just wish I had the guts to go through with it. What's wrong with me?!?!

[swimswithjeans]

Hngr9...

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through and want to be the one person to thank you for being such a loyal and caring husband. From what I have read... You are a GOOD PERSON and really deserve happiness.

 

In my opinion... Despite how sad your situation is, you have one thing going through you... You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

I truly believe that for you. You may be 47 but it isn't too late. Really. I want you to have love... And it doesn't seem like you are going to find it with this woman. You deserve to be CHERISHED and, man, 24 years is a long time to not feel loved.

 

Should you leave- your wife will be as strong as she can; you have done PLENTY for her. Really.

 

If you really feel scared, counseling is a safe place where you can let go... I think, if nothing else, you owe it to YOURSELF to say how you've been feeling.

 

I'm so sorry. I truly believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you. How could there not be?

[Hngr9]

Thank you swimswithjeans... You have kind words. I have had other people tell me the same thing. Although you are only hearing one side of the story from me, it is and had been very hard. I just don't k ow how to leave. I am scared of guilt and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that happiness is just right there dangling on my face. But I don't k ow how to grab it.

[imtooconfused]

Hngr9, I am so proud of you for coming forward. You may not get all your questions answered here (and some of the answers may be very bad), but having the courage to stand up for yourself and seek that help is a phenomenal first step.

 

The mental abuse has been all I've known. She's always belittled me to the point that I'm so unsure of myself I won't take promotions at my job and I can't tell her how I feel to say the least.

 

Women who are physically abused will get a lot of attention in society and on this site. There are (justifiably) lots of resources for them to turn to. But men who are emotionally abused can be bruised just as deeply, yet there are almost no resources for them, because we know "men should be strong." An emotionally abusive woman will batter that strength out of the any man.

 

Yes, we are only hearing one side of the story. Knowing what you are going through, I have a good feeling what I would hear from your spouse if we were to ask her. How supportive of a wife she has been, how all of these problems are just in your head. I have heard all that BS myself and it's really easy to see through it, once you recognize it for what it is.

 

I know I sound like I'm less of a man. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I just wish I had the guts to go through with it. What's wrong with me?!?!

 

There are many clues in your story that lead me to believe that you are being honest when you say your spouse is being abusive to you. You have a right to get out of this situation. You probably feel like being away from her or being alone is more scary than accepting the treatment from your spouse. It will take courage and strength to break out of the chains that are binding you. But only by doing so will you have any chance of finding out who the real Hngr9 is. And I can only imagine how confident and secure that man is.

 

At times, I've worked 2 jobs to stay ahead. She's put me in bankruptcy twice.

 

You sound like a great companion. Being a caretaker is a very valuable quality, only it should not be wasted on someone who has no appreciation for that value.

 

You seem to be concerned about how she will take care of herself if you leave. You should be warned, instead of the frail defenseless woman you think she is, her self defense mechanism will kick in and she will do everything to make her life better and yours as bad as possible.

 

Lastly, if you are considering a transition based on the fact that happiness is just around the corner, you might be disappointed. While you might find happiness on the other side of the fence, the grass may not be really as green as you think. What I can assure you of, though, is that the pain and suffering that you are feeling will eventually be relieved and you will have a better chance of knowing what makes Hngr9 happy.

[Hngr9]

Hngr9, I am so proud of you for coming forward. You may not get all your questions answered here (and some of the answers may be very bad), but having the courage to stand up for yourself and seek that help is a phenomenal first step.

 

 

 

Women who are physically abused will get a lot of attention in society and on this site. There are (justifiably) lots of resources for them to turn to. But men who are emotionally abused can be bruised just as deeply, yet there are almost no resources for them, because we know "men should be strong." An emotionally abusive woman will batter that strength out of the any man.

 

Yes, we are only hearing one side of the story. Knowing what you are going through, I have a good feeling what I would hear from your spouse if we were to ask her. How supportive of a wife she has been, how all of these problems are just in your head. I have heard all that BS myself and it's really easy to see through it, once you recognize it for what it is.

 

 

 

There are many clues in your story that lead me to believe that you are being honest when you say your spouse is being abusive to you. You have a right to get out of this situation. You probably feel like being away from her or being alone is more scary than accepting the treatment from your spouse. It will take courage and strength to break out of the chains that are binding you. But only by doing so will you have any chance of finding out who the real Hngr9 is. And I can only imagine how confident and secure that man is.

 

 

 

You sound like a great companion. Being a caretaker is a very valuable quality, only it should not be wasted on someone who has no appreciation for that value.

 

You seem to be concerned about how she will take care of herself if you leave. You should be warned, instead of the frail defenseless woman you think she is, her self defense mechanism will kick in and she will do everything to make her life better and yours as bad as possible.

 

Lastly, if you are considering a transition based on the fact that happiness is just around the corner, you might be disappointed. While you might find happiness on the other side of the fence, the grass may not be really as green as you think. What I can assure you of, though, is that the pain and suffering that you are feeling will eventually be relieved and you will have a better chance of knowing what makes Hngr9 happy.

 

You've hit the nail on the head when it comes to what she says about her actions ...

In the past few months, ive withdrawn from her. I don't want to be around her sometimes. I know that sounds bad. But I've learned from her. From the start of our relationship, she has never touched, held, snuggled or any of that stuff. All conversations have been strict and to the point and never any pet names or any of that stuff. The sex has been hurry hurry up and get done. And nothing other than straight intercourse allowed.

 

While trying to decsribe to her what has turned me off, I tell her that the all the above is what I've yearned for but never recieved. She blamed it all on taking care of her dying mother for years and now thi is it all should be okay. Well, it's not. I've dreamed in my head for literally years of what it would be like to have someone that thinks as much if me as I do them. I've seen it. I know it can be true.

 

My problem is that I can't be tough or cold. I've always been a pushover. For some reason I can't tell her EXACTLY how I feel and what I want to do. I want to be free.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Hngr9

[Hngr9]

So are all of these emotions I'm feeling normal?? Sad, scared, indecisive, GUILTY??

[swimswithjeans]

Absolutely.

 

Absolutely.

 

You haven't taken care of yourself for a long, long time the way that I see it. You haven't done a lot for yourself.

 

The LEAST, in my opinion, that you can allow yourself to do... Is feel EXACTLY how you are feeling. That is the least you can do for yourself and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of in doing that.

[Hngr9]

Is there an antidote? Lol. My friend told me I have to go through this. She says it will hit me one day and ill know. For some reason that is unbelievable. But, this is all Greek to me....

[swimswithjeans]

I think the only thing that will heal you is love... Like, real love. From your friends- if you have any family around... And, eventually, I think there will be a special someone. A real one... Who loves you.

 

I really don't believe it's too late for you to find real love.

[Hngr9]

Thanks so much for the kind words and advice.

[Gunny376]

It would seem to me that the crux of your problems is two-fold, in that your by nature a giver-caretaker, and not one to use and take advantage of others who is engaged in a relationship with your polar oppossite. That is one that is a taker and a consumer.

 

There are such people to coin a phrase that are emotional vampires that will suck the very life out of you if you let them?

 

The second part of your problem, it would seem to me is that your more afraid of the "un-known" than you are continuing your life as you thus far to date know it? Better the devil you know than the one that you don't know?

 

Sure it may be frighting and scary to get off of a sinking **** in the dead of night in a raging storm? But if the ship is going down? What other choice do you have but to take the leap ~ and a lot of things in life require just that?

 

A leap of faith into the un-known?

 

And yes, you're completely so-called normal for feeling the way that you are.

 

For in the end what is normal for you is pertaintent to your thus far to date life experiences, and it is you and only you that can define what is normal for you.

 

It is this standard and this standard alone by which should be the measure of yourself and your life!

[Hngr9]

It would seem to me that the crux of your problems is two-fold, in that your by nature a giver-caretaker, and not one to use and take advantage of others who is engaged in a relationship with your polar oppossite. That is one that is a taker and a consumer.

 

There are such people to coin a phrase that are emotional vampires that will suck the very life out of you if you let them?

 

The second part of your problem, it would seem to me is that your more afraid of the "un-known" than you are continuing your life as you thus far to date know it? Better the devil you know than the one that you don't know?

 

Sure it may be frighting and scary to get off of a sinking **** in the dead of night in a raging storm? But if the ship is going down? What other choice do you have but to take the leap ~ and a lot of things in life require just that?

 

A leap of faith into the un-known?

 

And yes, you're completely so-called normal for feeling the way that you are.

 

For in the end what is normal for you is pertaintent to your thus far to date life experiences, and it is you and only you that can define what is normal for you.

 

It is this standard and this standard alone by which should be the measure of yourself and your life!

 

I agree with almost all of your assessment except for one thing... It is the unknown I CRAVE. The only thing that concerns me is her reaction. I don't know what to expect. I can only imagine the worst...

[imtooconfused]

The only thing that concerns me is her reaction. I don't know what to expect. I can only imagine the worst...

 

Have you seen The Exorcist?

[Hngr9]

Have you seen The Exorcist?

 

Lol... Yes. It sounds like you are predicting and confirming my fears..

[imtooconfused]

Lol... Yes. It sounds like you are predicting and confirming my fears..

 

You will be able to handle it if you prepare yourself for it.

 

I found a book that might be helpful to you. Knowing the author, I am sure it's written from the perspective of the abused woman, but it may be helpful to you as a husband as well:

 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond: Patricia Evans: 9781440504631: Amazon.com: Books

 

EDIT: Reading some on line reviews, this book is targeting abused women exclusively so take it for what it's worth.

Edited June 14, 2013 by imtooconfused

[GorillaTheater]

Is there an antidote?

 

I might be able to help with that, and at least give you a place to start.

 

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books

 

From the way you talk, I think this will be just up your alley.

 

Here's another one I think will help you out:

 

Amazon.com: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (9781572246904): Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger: Books

 

No arm-chair diagnosis from me, but your wife sounds like she has issues this book addresses.

 

For the time-being, don't tell your wife you're reading either of these books; I don't think it'll be helpful to what you're trying to accomplish.

 

I think you know what you need to do; you just need some tools to develop a different mindset in order to get you where you want to go.

[notbroken]

Being in a loveless marriage can and will 'suck the life right out of you'. I believe being in a relationship like you are is both mentally and physically damaging. It will damage your self esteem and can lead to depression.

 

My advice, is to:

 

a) 'man up' and tell your wife exactly how you feel. Tell her you want to feel love and just can't live in a relationship where she doesn't show it. Promise to show her love and ask her to show it to. Her response will tell you a lot. If she won't 'play along' you know things won't change and you know what you have to do. Honestly, after that many years it may not be realistic to expect miracles, but you owe it to yourself and her to at least try IMO.

b) Give to get. Show your wife respect, love, and affection if you can. Show her how to treat you. If you are unable to do this, your relationship with her is likely already finished.

c) start improving yourself. Go to the gym. Ride bicycles. Jog, etc.

d) make a plan for the rest of your career. You are in your 40's, not 60's. You can still be successful both personally and professionally.

e) do something for yourself at least once a week. Be nice to yourself. When life is beating you up, don't add to it by beating yourself up.

 

Good luck. You are NOT doomed. Find a way to make it work out one way or another.

[Hngr9]

It's getting worse. I just about can't function. It's on my mind constantly. I finally have an appt to a counselor next week maybe they can shed some light and give some direction.

[swimswithjeans]

Hngr9...

 

Thinking of you. I am so sorry.... I don't know where you are in the world but I am sending you love and good thoughts.

 

There is a light- I believe that for you. I believe this will not be forever. Hang in there.

[hayewils]

Your story sounds alot like mine. I have been married to my wife only four years though. She was the same towards me although she has a good job and was the bread winner. She told me i love you only 3 times on her own. Never was affectionate and i also had to hurry up with sex. It was humiliating. Ive recently put myself on anti depressants and they have helped me see things clearer. I know now my wife was not in love with me and it hurts to know that. I couldnt do or say anything right without being criticized. She complained about me to her friends and to my mother but never talked to the guy who shouldve known.

Its hurts to lose her but, i would rather be single than to continue being treated that way any longer. I cant imagine the length of time youve dealt with it. I too do not know how it feels to be truly loved by someone. Maybe one day.

Good luck to you, keep your head up.

 

Scott

[Hngr9]

Told her this morning I don't see a future for our marriage. She's hysterical. Blaming me for ruining her life. I can't imagine making someone feel that way. It's killing me inside. .

[imtooconfused]

Told her this morning I don't see a future for our marriage. She's hysterical. Blaming me for ruining her life. I can't imagine making someone feel that way. It's killing me inside. .

 

You have to understand that this is her most powerful tool to use against you. To guilt you into behaving the way that she wants. You have to recognize this for what it is. Then the most important part will take longer to accept, but you have to understand that the emotional pain that you feel right now is not because of your actions or anything that you did, but rather it's because of her manipulation of your feelings. She is turning your feelings against you. Don't allow her to have that control over your mind. You can be strong and fight her manipulation.

[Hngr9]

I'm still there. My weakness is guilt. After her telling me things about her childhood that in 24 years I've never known. Abuse growing up both physical and mental. She claims that I'm the only thing that has ever loved her.

 

It makes me crazy that I'm this way. I feel so trapped. Now she's being nicer than she ever has. She says she's sorry. I tell her that I've lived my life providing for other people that have never shown me love or compassion. Now she wants to start!!!!!! If it takes this drama to make someone realize they are wrong, to me it's too little to late. I feel so freakin trapped but I know it's by my own doing.

 

I know dang good and well I'm not the only person who's experienced this. How do you move ahead? I need a gut check.

[imtooconfused]

I'm still there. My weakness is guilt. After her telling me things about her childhood that in 24 years I've never known. Abuse growing up both physical and mental. She claims that I'm the only thing that has ever loved her.

 

It makes me crazy that I'm this way. I feel so trapped. Now she's being nicer than she ever has. She says she's sorry. I tell her that I've lived my life providing for other people that have never shown me love or compassion. Now she wants to start!!!!!! If it takes this drama to make someone realize they are wrong, to me it's too little to late. I feel so freakin trapped but I know it's by my own doing.

 

I know dang good and well I'm not the only person who's experienced this. How do you move ahead? I need a gut check.

 

This is very powerful stuff that she shared with you, and I have no doubt that it's genuine. And I can see why she feels like you are abandoning her. But there is a real possibility that you can turn this thing around. If she has been abused, she does need your help, caring and love. But you can't give her what she needs from a position of weakness. Up until this point, she has been taking your love from you, literally sucking the emotion out of you. You need to make her stop doing that. It sure sounds like you love her, but you need to willingly give her that love on your terms, not hers. And your terms should certainly be in a balanced way, the sharing, the giving and the taking of love. You should show her the love that she needs, if and only when she stops her abusive, controlling behavior. You have the ability within you to take control of this situation. I know that you do.

[Hngr9]

I understand what you are saying and it makes sense. But I want to be out. Why does it make sense that she can do this for 24 freakin years and all of a sudden when I put it on the line she wants to change??? To me that's a slap in the face. I want to experience love that is not have to be made to appear, but comes naturally.