I'm lost....

[Hngr9]

I finally took the leap June 1st, 2016. I have been out on my own and by myself. I have been through serious outpatient therapy for depression and ADD. But im doing well!!

 

 

Of course its financially tapping me dry, but time will make all that better. Ive met a wonderful woman and we have a lot in common and we share some of the same past. Just taking it slow and enjoying each others company.

 

 

Freedom is wonderful

[Just a Guy]

Hi Hngr9, good for you. I did not realize that your thread was from 2013 but this last post of course enlightened me. I was about to post and say that you needed a good dose of self esteem but I guess you found it along the way. Are you divorced or in the process of divorcing from your wife? I would advise you to go slow on any new relationship. First learn to enjoy your new found freedom and secondly, with the 20/20 vision of hindsight choose your new partner carefully. Carry out your due diligence as you do not want to be trapped in another unsavoury relationship. I would suggest you get the book 'Psycho Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. It will help you turn yourself around and make a new person of you. In the mean time I wish you the very best. Cheers.

[notbroken]

Your wife has emasculated you for so long that you believe her. You ARE a man. A beaten down one, but a man just the same. Quit believing you can't - you can!

 

You don't owe your wife any thing further. You've paid everything but the ultimate price - your death after years of unhappiness. You certainly don't owe her that.

 

She is going to raise hell if you leave. She will go nuclear. That's clear. So what? Go completely no contact unless you absolutely must talk to her and you will find that in most cases you don't really have to. Don't listen to her complaints. Don't answer the phone. You know the truth. You gave and gave and it still wasn't enough. Couldn't ever be.

 

You can change 100% and be the most alpha male on the planet. Your wife wouldn't believe the change and will keep treating you the same crappy way. She is used to being able to do that. It is likely impossible to change your dynamics with her regardless of how much counselling.

 

Whatever the cost, and I mean whatever - bankruptcy, etc, it will be worth it to move on. You will never be happy in your current circumstances. Life is short. We only get one chance. Don't waste another day with her.

 

A previous poster was right. You won't be happy immediately after divorce. In fact you may be even more miserable for a while. However, that is a cheap price to pay for what you would ultimately find - freedom. The chance to be happy vs no chance whatsoever.

 

For once in your life, think of yourself first. Sometimes that is required. You are NOT being selfish. You are in self preservation mode. Your very health and existence depends on it. You know what you must do. Now do it.

[GorillaTheater]

I finally took the leap June 1st, 2016. I have been out on my own and by myself. I have been through serious outpatient therapy for depression and ADD. But im doing well!!

 

 

Of course its financially tapping me dry, but time will make all that better. Ive met a wonderful woman and we have a lot in common and we share some of the same past. Just taking it slow and enjoying each others company.

 

 

Freedom is wonderful

 

 

This was good to read. It sounds like you've come a long ways.

 

 

I'm glad you came back to let us know what's going on.

[Jersey born raised]

Yes, thank you for coming back. 3 years of silence, then boom. How did you find the strength to grow and let go? I understood your point about wanting the real thing, not something that after 24 years was thrown out as " OK if your going to be a whinny jerk about it".

 

Please share your journey.

[Jersey born raised]

Also could you discuss your wife's journey. FOO and CSA are crippling and at times just cannot be modified to the sightless degree. It (the issues) own them and will never let go. It sounds like was unable to grow which is a shame. Remember the story of Plato's "the cave"?

[Hngr9]

Also could you discuss your wife's journey. FOO and CSA are crippling and at times just cannot be modified to the sightless degree. It (the issues) own them and will never let go. It sounds like was unable to grow which is a shame. Remember the story of Plato's "the cave"?

 

Thank you all for the support. To answer you question it was a slow grow. The my father died and one thing led to another and I set a date in my head. I told her of my plans of course she freaked. Begged, pleaded, etc. I shut most of the pain out and left.

 

SShortly after I had a sort of a "breakdown". I was ever so lonely. I went to outpatient therapy for 3 months 3 days a week to tame the demons. I learned while there I have OCD and ADD which contributed to my demise all these years. It stemmed from childhood and the things I felt with growing up. And for those that don't believe, mental abuse can make u sick. Basically my doctor's have told me I picked a life partner who met the criteria of what I had been used to. I was only comfortable making others happy... Putting my self worth in others. Blaming myself for others sadness and trying to improve and impress. While in therapy, I learned how to Deal with these emotions and try to get past the way my brain has been trained to work. You can never be rid of the thoughts, you learn how to control your actions and everyday it is a struggle but I have seen the difference.

 

My daughter whom supported me all these years has made a total flip on me. She hates me for what I've done. But I've learned I can't control the way she thinks and try not to let it bother me but it's tough. I'm basic alone. My father passed, my Mother and sister are estranged, and my brother is addicted to cocaine. But I'm making it.

 

I've recently met a woman who is a great person. We share a past that is similar. We share the same desires and needs. The need of someone who is not controlling or abusive. We have been intimate. We talk daily. See each other every couple of days. Have a lot of fun together. She wants to take things slowly and really know each other before going all the way, which I am fortunate we do. I admit, I get in a hurry at times.... It's something I've never had. True compassion and freedom without all the other crap. If it's worth having, it's worth waiting for.

[Miss Clavel]

Thank you swimswithjeans... You have kind words. I have had other people tell me the same thing. Although you are only hearing one side of the story from me, it is and had been very hard. I just don't k ow how to leave. I am scared of guilt and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that happiness is just right there dangling on my face. But I don't k ow how to grab it.

well, if you want to leave, you've come to the right person. this is how you do it:

 

start with the finances, get them separated. stop putting your money in the joint account. start having your paycheck go into an account with only your name on that account. i do not believe that you can remove more then half of the money in any "joint" accounts, so don't. also, if the balance goes down on the monthly statement, it might alert her.

 

next, check the deed to the house and make sure there are no "clouds" on the deed, no lines of credit or liens.

 

don't try anything with the deed, the house is half hers, face it, accept it.

 

now, do the same thing with the credit cards, open a new one in your name only, pay that one only and right on time, in the full amount every month.

 

close out all the other credit cards since they are actually in your name even if they have her name on them, she is just on there as a courtesy, not as the "named card holder".

 

sign up to receive "alerts" about any activity regarding the opening of any other lines of credit, be it credit cards or her trying to open lines of credit using the house as collateral, which is her right since it's a big asset and half hers, however, she hasn't got a job and won't qualify for credit unless she's using you and or the house as "co-signer, collateral. which means you will not be able to sell the house and give her half of the profits, at the closing, without paying off her hidden debts, either by using your paycheck or by having the checks cut to her debtors, again, at the closing.

 

i say the "closing" because you might have to sell the house, you might want to sell the house but it will depend on how old the kids are that are living in the house. usually one of you would "buy out" the other, but since your wife doesn't have any money to buy you out with and if the kids are all over 18 there is no legal requirement for you to support it, then you can sell the house and give her half. this is a division of the largest "asset" and it will really speed things up if the assets are already divided/sold before the divorce.

 

that takes care of money.

 

next, alimony. if you have been married more than 10 years and she is over 50, face up to the fact that you might have to support her after the divorce. however, it is usually, nowadays, only for about 12 to 18 months. the court realizes that she will need to learn some way to support herself and they will give her the time and money to get some kind of marketable skill while you pay her day to day.

 

child support. again, if they are over 18 there will not be any, or not much. however, you might be required to pay for everyone's health insurance. make sure it's in the "separation agreement" that this has an end date. and try to slip it in there that you get to claim the children on your income tax. they will have to be either living with you and or still in school, but it's a tidy sum, so try to get them as your "dependents". if she catches on, offer to take turns every other year.

 

visitation not much to this if they are old enough to drive they are old enough to decide for themselves where they want to live. since it wont be in the house that was sold, they can move in with you or their mother wherever you land, but, if they stay with you, they are your "dependents" on your income tax and you are now, "head of the household".

separate your assets. i did this by going around behinds his back and taking things i wanted and hiding them. grandma's silver service, all the christmas stockings, jewelry handed down, and most of the pictures. do it now or you might not have another chance without having to see her and beg or worse find out she's destroyed things that mean something to you.

 

make sure that everyone has their own car, in their own name and everyone has their own car insurance and pays it out of their own bank accounts. my coworker forgot about this and her husband hit a woman on the freeway and killed her and since the truck was in her name and he was a broke loser, the family sued her. get this done.

 

take all the important papers, deeds, shot records, birth certificates, marriage license, tax returns and photocopy them. put back the photocopies, in the same exact place. strip the files of anything you do not want used against you. financially or emotionally.

 

decide how you will share the children, again if they are old enough to drive, none of this will matter, but, express your desire to have them exclusively on, say, thanksgiving and christmas day, or fourth of july and christmas eve.

 

after you have all that done, quietly, you need to change your therapist. get one for yourself only and go regularly, it will be good for you for two reasons, its good for you and it looks good on paper.

 

paper there is going to be a paper called a "separations agreement" and this is the time that the **** hits the fan and she realizes that she's getting divorced, whether she wants one or not and the fighting starts.

 

if you are smart, you two will fight it out, together (becauses it's free) and not involve the lawyers. you don't need two lawyers, you need only one that uses the "family divorce". that' where, for a flat fee, if you have worked out all the areas(the ones i've spelled out, assets, visitation, support and alimony) beforehand, they will simply type up the "agreement'', "file" it and set the date for the "hearing".

 

when you get called to court for the final decree, they are going to ask you if you want a divorce, and you had better be able to answer, yes, in a firm tone and not cry. if you cry, or hesitate, they will order you two to counseling. and if they do, you can say, "we've been, this marriage is irretrievably broken".

 

make sure your lawyer files the final decree and ask for/pay for two copies. she will need a certified copy when she files for her social security retirement, which will be based on a portion of your earnings since she was married to you for more than 40 quarters and your earnings were higher.

 

get.it.done.

 

there is still time for you to have a life and you are not doing her any favors letting her sit around in denial, using you and demeaning you.

 

for you to get back into what's left of your life you are going to have to force her to take on her own. and someday, both of you might be glad of it.

 

good luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Miss Clavel, you are giving good advice but it's based on dated information. The OP has been free of his wife since June this year and has also had treatment for his issues. You were probably basing your advice on his posts made in 2013 whereas he has recently updated his thread with this new information about himself.

 

Hunger, do read the book I suggested as it could really make a difference in your life. Wish you the best going forward. Cheers!

[Miss Clavel]

Hi Miss Clavel, you are giving good advice but it's based on dated information. The OP has been free of his wife since June this year and has also had treatment for his issues. You were probably basing your advice on his posts made in 2013 whereas he has recently updated his thread with this new information about himself.

 

Hunger, do read the book I suggested as it could really make a difference in your life. Wish you the best going forward. Cheers!

 

anyone is free to use this info. this way i've got it and i can c/p it.