Good News, Bad News & the winner of the bet

[HokeyReligions]

Sheesh! I've been off the board for four days and when I logged on I saw 2366 NEW posts!

 

I had another out-patient procedure last Thursday. They removed two more lumps (one ruptured which is what prompted the procedure). Good News is that neither were malignant and it appears that there is no more cancer at the moment. I still am taking medications but I won't have to undergo chemo. We are keeping an eye on some other suspicious "lumpettes" as the doc called them! Too small to worry about right now -- hopefully the meds will take care of those.

 

Bad News: My husbands father passed away at 3:00am today. He didn't know anyone and was in so much pain that they had him doped practically unconscious. He had as pleasant a day as he could yesterday, watching the grandkids playing and listening to windchimes and smiling. He died in his sleep.

 

I missed Thurs & Fri at work and I absolutely HAVE to be there tomorrow -- at least in the morning, but I'm leaving early and will have to miss Tuesday for the funeral. It hasn't really hit hubby yet. My mom's condition remains unchanged. She goes back to her doctor on Wednesday.

[bluechocolate]

That is indeed good news re: non-malignancy. You must be very relieved. (there should be a smiley that goes "phew")

 

No consolation I know - but I guess you won the bet. How is your husband coping?

[moimeme]

Sorry to hear the bad news, Hoke, but yay on the no malignancies! I hope that continues for you. I worry when I don't see you around for a few days.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Hokeyo

 

More than the surgery and the recent death in your family, I am worried that you seem to be taking it all on yourself. Of course hubby goes through a taugh time, but Hokey, YOU ARE IMPORTANT ALSO!

 

When I hear you: "I have to be at work tomorrow", I just want to die. My friend, if you don't make life easier for you, no one else will. Do whatever you have to do now, pay your respects, take care of your mom, go to work and pay the bills.

 

Hokey, take care of yourself. Days off, days in bed, chocolate, milk, whatever does the trick for you. Simply take lots and lots of care of you. Demand your hubby to be near you. Ask for help when you're getting tired. There is no shame in doing so. Remember that you are intittled to and that this is what friends and family is for. Just... make life easier on you. Nicer.

 

Love,

 

Curly

[HokeyReligions]

Thank you guys!

 

I am at work -- it's the best place for me. I have a ton of invoices sitting on my desk and the vendors don't care why they don't get paid -- they just want their money! Working helps me to cope with all this stuff (& gets me AWAY from my family which is what I want right now!) I've been at work since a quarter to six this morning and am taking a short break right now.

 

We are going tonight to the funeral home for 'family viewing' (sheesh! these darn traditions of funerals) Hubby doesn't think he wants to see his dad in his casket and I told him he did not have to. His dad weighed less than 90 pounds when he died. He doesn't even have to go to the funeral if he doesn't want to, but he feels that he should.

 

When my sister-in-law died she was cremated and we had a party. Same with my kids. When my mom goes, she will be cremated and we will have a party. Same when my husband goes and same with me. None of these dark and somber funerals with a body laying out for people to view. We put up photographs of the deceased in happy times and we all celebrate the life that was. Sure there are some tears because we grieve for the finality of death and that there is no hope for any more happy times, but we don't go through all the rigamarole that hubby's family want to go through.

 

I'm trying to prepare a eulogy to give tomorrow and I am NOT going to make it some preachy- put-him-on-a-pedestal -saintly-sermonistic type of speech. That's not my style and he wasn't that kind of man. He only had one son and that makes me his only daughter-in-law. Hubby doesn't know if he can actually get up in front of people and say anything, so I'm going to do it. I already have my mothers eulogy and her obit written, and I have an outline for mine and my husbands too.

 

Look Out Hubby's step-family! Respect is made up of more than solemnity. And I'm wearing red.

[Matilda]

Hokey, you are an interesting person!

 

I am glad your cancer treatment is going well. Sorry to hear about your father-in-law's passing, but understand the sense of relief you feel too. I hope your husband is holding up.

 

I share Curly's concern for your well-being during this stressful time. But, I do understand wanting to be at work, at least you have the stress relief of accomplishing what you need to do at work. One less thing hanging over your head.

 

Take care.

[Papillon]

Hoke, you carry on kicking ass, girl!

 

I wonder how Rowan is doing

[bluechocolate]

(sheesh! these darn traditions of funerals)

 

I know !! I hate open caskets. My cousin died in a car accident. Massive injuries to the head & internal organs. Of course they shaved her head. She was always proud of her long blonde hair & they went & had an open casket with her in a wig. Stupid.

 

When my mom goes, she will be cremated and we will have a party. Same when my husband goes and same with me.

 

In this country you can be buried on private wood-land. It's really cheap, they bury you vertically in a shroud & then you can plant a tree on top. I love the idea of an English wood-land tree growing out of the top of my head. That's how we're going.

 

There have been a lot of deaths in my family recently but I'm not living it day to day like you are. Your strength inspires me.

 

Cheers

[Fayebelle]

and

 

 

My congratulations and condolences Hokey.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by bluechocolate

In this country you can be buried on private wood-land. It's really cheap, they bury you vertically in a shroud & then you can plant a tree on top. [color=blue]I love the idea of an English wood-land tree growing out of the top of my head.[/color] That's how we're going.

 

sorry, gotta laugh

 

BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

I will never be able to drive down a wooded lane in the country now without wondering what (or who) *might* be buried beneath the trees! I do think that it's a lovely idea though.

 

With my luck, they would forget which end was up and I'd be buried head down for all eternity! LOLOL!

 

There are some places in the USA that allow vertical plots and still some private land zoned for cemeteries -- although they are few and far between. I would LOVE to have an ancestral home with said ancestral cemetery attached.

 

When I was three my parents bought a house that was a parsonage. We also got the garage large enough that it would hold two busses. There was also a cemetery behind the place. The church was empty and was eventually torn down, and then they moved the cemetery and we also lost the house to a wonderful invention: Urban Renewal. But for a year I lived next to a cemetery. I don't remember that much about it really, except that I loved to be in it and think about the people who lay under the cool ground. Mom used to read the stones to me and I had a couple of favorites. Too bad we couldn't have stayed there.

[quankanne]

Respect is made up of more than solemnity. And I'm wearing red

 

sounds like my MiL's send-off, which was way different than my mom's: with mom, it was a traditional Catholic burial (I missed the rosary the night before, but got to take one last look before the funeral, and I'm glad I did, because she looked like the mama I remembered best, and not the sad person from her nursing home days). Sybil, on the other hand, wanted to be cremated, with a graveside service, no fuss or anything. And of the two, I think it was a nicer send off, like being at a family gathering. Yeah, people were sad, but I think in a sense, it was a celebration of her life, things going as usual -- Gail going shoeless, people in attendence sharing stories about MiL and the family, people casually dressed. I wish Catholic send-offs, as beautiful as they are, could be a bit less rigid!

 

I love the idea of being able to bury your loved one in a wooded area, and not one of those memorial gardens that are stripped of everything (even unusual tombstones) and looking like a damned cookie-cutter village of deceased. Heck, I'd be happy with wildflowers being allowed to grow over my grave! (at my home parish, near the mausoleum where my mother's burried is a site where the bluebonnets thickly carpet the ground, and it's just gorgeous ...)

 

I babble on, though: Hokey, I'm relieved that the lumpies turned out to be non-threatening, I can't imagine LoveShack without you ...

 

My condolences on your husband's dad passing away: I am glad for him that his last waking moments were peaceful. Your husband will especially be in my prayers as he deals with all this heavy stuff, I hope he somehow finds the peace he needs to carry on ....

 

now, go give yourself a big hug from me, and imagine us doing a happy dance at the sound of your good news

[moimeme]

None of these dark and somber funerals with a body laying out for people to view.

 

I couldn't agree more. I think those sorts of funerals are barbaric. There's some blather that people 'need' to see the dead person for 'closure'. Bullfeathers! I bet your eulogy will be awesome, Hoke.

[amerikajin]

Hokey,

 

You're one tough bird. Keep flyin'.

[HokeyReligions]

What a friggin' nightmare the last week has been!!!!!!

 

Monday night we went to the funeral home for the 'viewing of the body' (love Moimeme's word for it: barbaric)

 

Hubby didn't know what to expect -- he was so afraid that his dad would look horrible and pale and like he had just died. He did not want to hear about what they do to prepare the body.

 

We get to the funeral home. We see one person from my husband's side of the family. We hug and stand and talk in the front entrance for a while. She was very close to Kenneth (hubby's dad) as they were cousins and grew up together.

 

We walk into the 'parlor' and see his dad in the casket. He looks good. They did a very good job. Patsy (hubby's step-mother) told us that she didn't want any flowers and preferred people make donations to the Hospice. Okay, we did that. We walk in and there are flowers and plants all over the place! We are the only ones who did NOT send any! (we had asked previously what we needed to do to help with arrangements and were told that it was all being handled)

 

We didn't recognize most of the people there because they were all Patsy's family and friends. By the time Hubby's dad married Patsy, Hubby was out on his own so he never lived with Patsy and her brood. Actually, her kids were all grown and out by the time she married Kenneth (dated/engaged for 14 years prior to getting married, in fact, they had only been married a few years more than us)

 

Hubby and I knew the kids somewhat from visiting on and off, but never close. They all lived near Kenneth & Patsy and were around all the time. Their kids called Kenneth Poppa. Hubby and I didn't visit as much. Hubby did not have a lot in common with his dad and always felt like he was a huge disappointment to his father. He made the remark several times that his dad got the family he wanted when he married Patsy.

 

So, we are looking at the body and hubby reaches out and touches him. He knew that he would be cold, but not that cold and hard. Patsy has a photograph of HER great grand-child in the casket. We asked if we could put one of Kenneth's ONLY SON in there too and she did finally acquiesce - but it didn't happen because --well, that's will make this story waaaay too long.

 

We visit with a few more people and we leave. Patsy's kids totally TOTALLY shunned us. They did not speak one word to hubby or to me and would turn their backs and walk away if we headed in their direction. Only a couple of people even knew who he was because they were all Patsy's family and only two people even had the decency to say "I'm sorry for your loss" to hubby.

 

Tuesday we show up for the funeral. We tell the funeral director that yes indeed we are immediate family and they allow us to park in line for the procession---at the end. We should have been in the same car with Patsy or at least directly behind her.

 

We go into the chapel and he's laid out in front. Patsy is not there yet. We go up and say good-bye again.

We wander around and talk a few minutes with Patsy's mother and a couple of other people, then we sit by ourselves in the first row (reserved for immediate family) and a couple of people did come over and shake hubby's hand and say how sorry they were. These were people that Kenneth had worked with and/or knew him BEFORE Patsy.

 

It's close to time for the ceremony and Patsy sits next to hubby in the front row. We left space because we figured that one of her kids would sit with her. Finally one showed up front and sat with her. There were only the four of us in the front row.

 

They played canned music - a woman singing something about walking through the garden alone (sorry, I can't think of the hymn) and it's not the best version. Some sniffling ensues.

 

(back up a sec. When we asked about arrangements we were told that there would be no preacher because they didn't have one and they didn't want some stranger talking about Kenneth. We were good with that and knew that is what Kenneth would want. However, when Patsy was making the arrangements (without our input) they talked her into having a preacher. Patsy and her brood sat down with the preacher and she told him about HER family and what she wanted the preacher to say about THEM in the service. NO MENTION OF KENNETH's ONLY SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

 

Okay. The first song ends & the preacher stands up and recites a prayer and then begins talking about Patsy and her kids. Patsy and her kids. Patsy and HER kids.

 

He talked about Kenneth being in the brick layers union for 51 years and was somewhat specific about his job and that one of Patsy's KIDS had followed him into construction, but not the same trade. Um, EXCUSE ME! Kenneth's SON did follow his father into the exact same profession and they worked together for many years!!!! Steam is issuing from my ears at this point.

 

The preacher kept looking and motioning directly to Patsy and HER kids and never once even looked at hubby. If we had been told the TRUTH we would have had opportunity to meet with the preacher before hand and made sure that hubby was included in his service.

 

It was a nice service, all in all, except that Kenneth's ONLY SON was snubbed. The preacher finished, the canned music played amazing grace and we all were guided, row by row, to view him and pay our "final respects"

 

I was not asked to speak. I was told I would say something but they changed everything on us, and didn't tell us. (I wore purple because my red jacket wasn't back yet)

 

Ironically, I was the last person to go by his casket. Patsy was still standing there talking to the preacher and hubby and I went up and hubby looked again, caressed his dad’s forehead and cried a bit, then turned away. I reached in and touches his hand and said "G-bye, you old fart" and walked away. We had to file past the preacher who didn't stop talking to Patsy but did reach around her to try to shake hubby's hand. Didn't make it, hubby was pissed by now and we stormed out to the "family" room to wait for a few minutes while they closed the casket and got it ready for the hearse.

 

No one said anything to hubby or me. NO ONE.

 

We stepped out of the waiting room and under the portico and waited for them to bring the casket out and put it in the hearse.

 

We followed the procession (end of the line for immediate family) others followed us, into the cemetery for the grave-side service. (what the fu? Wasn’t one enough?)

 

We get there. I barge ahead with hubby to make damned sure we get a seat in front. We do. Hubby is on the end, then me, then one of Patsy’s kids, then Patsy, then another kid. (mind you, her kids are all in their 30’s and 40’s now with kids of their own) and behind us sit other members of HER family.

 

The preacher says another prayer, looking only at Patsy and her kids. Totally ignored us on the end. They bring Patsy the flag (his dad was in the Naval reserves) and then everyone crowds around Patsy and NO ONE says one thing to us or reaches out to Kenneth’s ONLY SON!!!!! It’s like they formed a very tight circle around Patsy and made damned sure that we were on the outside of it.

 

Hubby says “I’m not going over to Patsy’s after this. Lets just go. I’m not part of the family and nobody gives a damn about my feelings except you” and he is royally pissed! He storms away to our van. NO ONE says anything to him. I lean over to Patsy (they will allow me in if I’m there to comfort her) and tell her that I’m sorry, and that we are leaving and she asks if we are coming over and I said “No. Hubby has not been included in anything and he feels like a total outsider and not wanted. No one cares that he is grieving for his father – it’s like he’s a distant relative.” And I was looking at Patsy’s oldest daughter (the worst of the bunch) at when I said some of that and at some of Patsy’s grandkids. I know that might not have been politically correct, I know that Patsy is grieving, but damn it, hubby should have received some respect and sympathy too.

 

We sat in the van, totally blocked in (you know how narrow cemeteries are) because the procession was parked on both sides of the narrow road. The only way out was to drive across the actual graves---which hubby was getting ready to do until I reached over and slammed the van back into park and made him wait. He was LIVID with pain and anger.

 

Finally people started walking back to their cars. Patsy came over to the van and told us that we were certainly welcome but declined. One other woman – I think she was their neighbor – asked if we would like some bottled water, she brought a cooler full with her in the trunk of her car. Hubby said yes, thank you and was very appreciative of the fact that SOMEONE noticed him!

 

As soon as some of the vehicles were out of the way, we zoomed out of there and came home. It was about an hours drive home. Hubby did calm down a bit, but it took some time and some talking.

 

The only thing that acknowledged him was the program – hubby was listed FIRST (the step-children were not listed as step – Patsy wanted no distinguishing) and she had a casket cover of roses made up. Sixteen red roses for the grandchildren, Five white roses for the children (hubby and her four) and one bit yellow rose for the great-grandchild. I did get one white rose from the casket cover and have that at home with the program.

 

It is just now beginning to hit hubby that his father is gone. He is still angry and I don’t blame him.