dealing with "Doormat" Syndrome/Being agreeable

[GI_Joy]

I've always been an accommodating person, it seems as it's in my nature to put others before myself. However I'm always teetering on a line of fulfillment and resentment from this trait of mine. A lot of times I realize I bring on my own resentment and fear that others are taking advantage of me. I admit, I have trouble speaking up a lot, when it comes to my own wants and needs. Whenever someone asks or suggests something I usually go with whatever they want. Call it being a "Yes" man, call it being a "doormat". Honestly this is one of these core traits that I do not want to change about myself, but what I DO want to do is be more confident and assertive about it so as to remove the feeling of resentment when I do things for people, or when I'm being agreeable. Where do I even begin? I can't just become assertive overnight. Any reformed "doormats" around here?

[Maleficent]

I was just like you. There is a fine line between being a 'yes' person and being a doormat.

 

I was in a situation where, when I met someone I liked, I was being a 'yes' woman and going out of my way so they would like me back.. The more disinterested they were, the more I went out of my way to please them. And this is when people start taking advantage and not 'returning favours'

 

The first thing I did was realize this and figure out where it came from. It may be a pattern you've developed in your childhood/teen years.

 

The next step is to stop. As simple as that. Figure out the people who 'take' but 'give back' and who 'takes' and 'keeps taking'

 

By all means - do not change who you are. Just be careful who you are being a 'yes' man to.

[hppr]

I'm kinda like that.

 

Old neighborhood I was always the helpful neighbor, the one you could call if you needed something worked on, fixed, moved...problem is the people who'd ask for help didn't appreciate it. If I needed a hand they'd disappear.

 

In your dating life these sorts of traits mean that you can get pushed into relationships with people you aren't really interested in but you're too nice to say 'no'.

 

You just gotta put yourself first, you are your priority not the neighbor's garbage disposal or that lady at work who thinks that she can bully you into dating her. Putting your foot down can be painful, you may get really angry reactions from people, maybe call you an ******* whatever, but you need to do it eventually, and your life will improve the more assertive you are.

[freestyle]

*raises hand*

 

Reformed People Pleaser, at your service...

 

Actually, no, I'm really NOT at your service.

 

(see what I did there?) ^^^^

 

But I'll choose to take a few moments to share my experience, and help you with some resources......

 

People Pleasing is a learned behavior, instilled in childhood.

having emotionally volatile, or negligent parents teaches us to always jump through hoops on command, and never question the status quo, for fear of being abandoned/rejected/punished.

 

It can easily continue into adulthood, if we're never taught about healthy boundaries.

 

But it is possible to UNlearn, what we've learned.

 

You have to put the oxygen mask on your self first, before you can assist anyone else.

 

Knowing that, on a gut level (rather than just intellectually) can be the first step in breaking free from the People Pleasing mode.

 

Personal Boundaries are Essential to the Real You :: Guess What Normal Is

Edited June 11, 2013 by freestyle

[GI_Joy]

thank you for your input. Growing up, I was always yelled at for speaking up, so I guess I've internalized that. I still struggle with it and I find myself getting very frustrated inside when I don't speak up, it's very tough for me. I noticed it last week when my boyfriend wanted to hang out with me before I went to class that evening, I only had about 1.5 hours to spend with him, he wanted to get dinner or something with me. Instead of doing what we had planned, he was a bit late because he had an unexpected prior commitment, and he asked if we could walk down to the square to get some DVDs/coffee. Naturally I had agreed when inside I was annoyed because I thought we were just gonna have dinner at his place. He'd noticed I was not happy with him because by the time we got back to his place I had to leave for class. He thought I just wanted to see him and didn't realize that dinner was part of the equation. This could have all been avoided if I spoke up from the get go but instead I put myself into an angry mood because I just agreed to everything.

[thatone]

And that passive/aggressive behavior is the most common unattractive behavior by far.

 

Be honest, say everything you think. That's a good exercise to start with.

[GI_Joy]

And that passive/aggressive behavior is the most common unattractive behavior by far.

 

I am aware of that. I want to get rid of it--I guess it's like exercising a muscle where you start off small and eventually I'll be used to it.

[thatone]

I am aware of that. I want to get rid of it--I guess it's like exercising a muscle where you start off small and eventually I'll be used to it.

 

Yep, just a matter of getting in the habit of a new behavior.

 

It has added benefits, too, that you probably haven't considered. When you're honest, you're never the bad person. No one has any grounds to accuse you of anything...you told them the truth, they just didn't listen!

 

As such, it makes defining boundaries and choosing which people are worth your time and which ones are not, both among friends and dates, vastly easier.